Head In The Clouds

The Holidays

2011-11-25T02:14:00.000-08:00

Aren't they so much fun? Spending money, rushing to get things done, seeing family you are glad you only see once a year, cooking way more than you'd like; really, they are a joy.

Actually, I enjoy them for the most part. I love Christmas decorations, I love Christmas movies, I love snow- for about five minutes, until I'm cold or have to drive in it. This will be my second Christmas back in Michigan, and also with Trav. This year, however, will be the first Christmas we're both expected to participate in each other's families Christmas get togethers. This is proving to be a problem for both of us.

You see, I took on a third shift job at a hotel this summer. It was supposed to be a two night a week gig, and therefore, no real problem for us. Well, unfortunately fate took a turn for the full-time night auditor, and she left me with a full-time job that is costing me a lot, even though the big paychecks have been nice. For one, I lost my insurance. I make too much now, but since I'm not considered a full-time employee (I'm considered temporary for the company) I can't get insurance through work. I like how companies can do that, don't you? So the state took away my benefits, and didn't offer me any options to pay, like they claim they have available. My health is suffering considerably because of this.

Second, I never get to spend time with my boyfriend. We live together, so you would think it wouldn't be THAT HARD to get time together. Oh no. You see, boyfriend plays in a band, and has his son two nights a week now. He also works at 7 AM, which is when I get OFF work, and we share a vehicle. He takes me to work at night- a pain for him since I start at 11 PM and he has to get up at 5:30 AM- and then I take the bus home in the morning. I try to get to sleep as soon as I can, which is around 10 AM most times, since I have to wind down and do stuff around the house, so I end up sleeping until he gets home. It seems like that would give us time together. Not so much. He has band practice, so one night a week he leaves as soon as he gets home, doesn't get home until 10. On Tuesdays his son stays the night- I have to request this as one of my nights off, since I don't have a ride in. No alone time. Also, his son takes over the house- literally- and gets to choose what movie we have on, has all of his toys spread out, ten art projects going on, and demands the attention of my boyfriend every time we start a conversation. There goes one of my nights off. The other nights we have together, he passes out by 7 (to get a nap in before he takes me to work), and I have to tip toe around him. My other random night off is either A) a week night such as this, where he passes out early and I'm left up by myself, or B) a night he plays a show. You can imagine how much "quality time" we get together on those nights: Zip.

The holidays are here. We already had to miss Thanksgiving. Technically, he could have gone to his family's, but he didn't want to leave me at home alone. I had to work, you see, so I slept til two in the afternoon. Dinner was at one. I kept telling him to go, but he wouldn't. Thanksgiving isn't a huge deal for me, but I know his mother makes a big event out of all holidays. Love the woman to death, but she smothers us sometimes.

We had lasagna hamburger helper for dinner, made spiked egg nog, and watched football.

I'm dreading Christmas. I keep telling my boss that I don't mind working, but I can't keep working this full-time position without benefits for a prolonged period. He is very laidback, and it's nice in some ways, but in this situation, it's hindering EVERYONE at work. Day shifters are being forced to cover my nights, and that is hard on them. I have to request any Saturdays my boyfriend plays off, so of course they hold it against me that I get a lot of Saturdays off (which was a part of the deal to begin with, since my boss was aware of my ride situation and why I took the Sunday/Monday night shifts). The full-time auditor has been off work for over a month because of a medical situation and is getting medical leave pay, so she hasn't said when she'll be back, but she won't be coming back to work. I know this because she friended me on Facebook, and she's blatantly stated she will miss her job, but her problems (cancerous growths all over her liver) will take months and months to shrink and there's no telling how she will feel during treatment. My boss needs to take action and lay her off, find another night auditor, and fix our scheduling problems. He won't, though- he doesn't like confrontation.

Therefore, this holiday is going to be a wreck. I have about ten Christmases to attend and ZERO time. I am only allowed Christmas Eve or Christmas Day off. Both of our families have things going on both days. He has to take his son to his parents, but I'd like to see my family. It's very confusing and crazy, and I am almost sorry I even have a job. I know- ungrateful. There are so many people that would love a full-time job and here I am, complaining; but it's making me unhappy, and it's making my boyfriend unhappy, and I'm not sure I'm willing to sacrifice both of our happiness to keep a job. After Christmas, I'm asking to have three days off a week. I know it's inconvenient to the rest of my coworkers, but they're getting paid way more and get benefits. I don't. I wasn't even given holiday pay for Labor Day or Thanksgiving, and wasn't asked if I wanted them off. I'm the new girl so I haven't complained much. I expected some bull crap. This is just a bit much.

I just want this season to be over.

Random Ness

2011-08-23T09:48:00.000-07:00

I've got several subjects to cover while I'm here, including unprofessional business owners, child support, and spoiled rabbits. I haven't been able to really blog since last summer, due to the lack of a computer (my screen has been broken for about a year), lack of employment (I was fired last Tuesday- you'll hear that story in a minute), and general lack of the appropriate means to do so.

I started working at a hotel in July, under the assumption that I would be moved to front desk from laundry, as I was told when they hired me. They had recently opened another hotel across the street, and were lacking employees in housekeeping and needed help in laundry. I figured it was short-term, so I agreed to do it. I probably shouldn't have. Have you ever tried getting two weeks of laundry done in a day with just one washer and dryer? It's tough. Now, try getting two weeks of TWO HOTEL'S laundry (80+ rooms, 8 towels, 2 sheet sets and 8 pillow cases per room). This is what I was up against. I was thrown into it, never having done this much laundry in my life, and I was expected to keep up with it. I had two washers and two dryers at my disposal. For one load, it took about an hour and a half. It was impossible. However, the head of housekeeping told me, "Just do what you can, they can't complain if you're doing what you can." So I did. I worked my ass off. I was getting overtime and STILL not getting it all done. Because, you see, hotels have constant laundry coming in. The only way it'll get done is if you either stop having guests, or you have someone working on it 24/7. Which wasn't going to happen.

The owners were on site most of the time. I wasn't a fan. The main owner (I'll call her B), in her early 40's and pretending to be late 20's, is stuck up. From what I gather, she is a trust fund baby, and Daddy left her several million dollars. She now thinks she's Queen of Everything and above everyone. She would come in the laundry room and immediately start complaining. No hi, hello, good morning. Just, "Why isn't this done? What is all this stained stuff? Why aren't you working longer hours?" She didn't like when anyone got overtime, though. At one point I had 6 hours overtime and she told the general manager (read: Owner's Little Bitch, OLB) that I can't get over 5 per week. Yet, she expected me to work longer hours? I was working 9 hour days, no lunch break, and only ten minutes to sit down. But apparently it wasn't good enough.

The other part-owner is her boyfriend, T. He's not rich. He is a sub-contractor in construction (read: Construction Bitch). He was put in charge of employees because she has no personal skills whatsoever. Neither does he. It became very obvious that he is a fan of 18 year old girls that wear short shorts, low cut tops, and flirt with him. I'm not that girl. In fact, I'm a woman. I was completely professional. When he asked me, on several occasions, if I wanted to get lunch, I turned him down and said I brought my lunch. It wasn't what he wanted to hear, so I went onto his shit list.

Now, onto how I got fired. I had requested a Sunday off when I first started, because it was my younger brother's graduation open house, and also my family reunion. I was told, "No problem." Three days before this day, B tells the head of housekeeping I can't have it off because B will not be there to cover for me. As far as I knew, she didn't cover me at anytime. When I went to discuss this (since I was told I could have it off when I started), she happened to be standing there with OLB. I told him I'd like to talk about why I can't have the day off, and immediately she started whining. WHINING. Like a 16 year old. "I'm not going to be here to cover you, Nicolette." I hated the way she said my name. I said, "I understand that, but head of housekeeping told me when I first started that you gave the OK for me to have that day off, and it's been planned out since spring." She put her nose in the hair, shook her hair, and said, "I've had my trip to Colorado planned since last September." Like she was competing with me. She stalked away. OLB told me that he'd work it out so I'd have it off. I got it off. Two days later I was fired. In just TWO days, I got most of the laundry done, and actually took a break since there was nothing to do. First, T came in, stuck his finger in my face, and said, "You're here to work, not fucking sit on your ass. If you want to do that I'll throw you out." No joke. Five minutes later, B (for Bitch) comes in and asks why there's stained stuff and I told her I planned on working on it that day. She started ranting, so I held up my hand and said, "Honestly B, I'm one person doing two hotels' laundry with two washers and two dryers. I'm doing the best I can." I said it in a completely respectful tone. She nodded, and said, "Okay, I understand." I thought, FINALLY! Nope...she turned around, pointed her finger in my face (boy was I tired of this), and said, "But if you yell at me again, I'll fire you."

I'd had enough. I hadn't yelled. I grabbed my things and went into the bathroom to cool down. I was so mad. I could have yelled. I could have said, FUCK YOU. But I restrained myself and decided to leave for the day. I told OLB that I needed the day off to cool down, and it wasn't worth 8 dollars an hour to be treated like that. He said okay. They then fired me. Technically, I quit before they fired me, but they wanted the last word. Oh well. Now I'm on the job hunt again. Stressed, yes. However, it's better than being treated like dog shit.

That was a really long rant, I apologize. I'll try to keep the next one short and to the point.

Does anyone on here know anything about child support and how it works? Because I'm lost. I've been with my boyfriend for over ten months now, and we've been living with each other for almost 6 of those months (I know, crazy-fast move). His stress is now becoming mine, since we live together. All of the bills are the same with me there, minus my shampoo and tampons. He doesn't pay anything extra (I even signed up for food stamps- yes, I'm that poor), yet he's broke. Then I learned why- he's always been broke because half of his paychecks go to taxes, and child support.

He doesn't make that much. It's more than a lot, but it's not much. It would be enough to cover rent, bills, his car payment, insurance, and necessities around his house for him and his son. However, for some reason, although she only makes two dollars less an hour than he does, he has to pay her $600 a month. I'm not sure how this is calculated, but after doing my math, if they are doing their calculations right for his monthly expenses, this is WAY OFF. He won't argue with it, though. He's afraid they'll take more.

Come to find out, this is the amount she wanted, and instead of fighting it, he agreed so he wouldn't have to argue with her. Well, I'm not going to let him roll over and die because she's a selfish bitch. I hate to talk bad about mothers, but I've had enough of her. At first I tried to just stay out of it, but in the last couple of months, she's been awful. They have a custody agreement that makes NO sense: she has full custody, and he gets to see the kid for several hours on Tuesdays and has him overnight for ONE night on the weekend. That's it. I asked what was up with that. He said, "She's controlling and couldn't handle being away from him for more than one night at a time." Where is this his problem?

It occurred to me that this woman has problems. Their son is turning 8 in less than a month. As of January of this year, he was still sleeping in the same bed with his mom, even though he had his own room and bed. When I first started staying the night with my boyfriend, I could only stay when his son wasn't there. Why? Because his son would get out of bed and sleep with him. I can see a 5 year old doing this occasionally. But a 7 year old?

While I wasn't there, my boyfriend asked his son if it would be okay if I stayed the night. His son said that's okay. He likes me, so it worked out. However, when it came to be the night of, he asked his dad, "So, Nicolette is sleeping on the couch, and I'm sleeping in your bed, right?" I didn't know what to say. My boyfriend handled it well, though. "No, you're sleeping in YOUR bed tonight."

What happened: At midnight, I'm woken up by his son crawling into his bed, which is only full-size, and I'm shoved to the edge by him. My boyfriend woke up and took him back to his bedroom, where he cried because "Mom always let's me sleep in her bed."

Yes. Your mom may let you do that, but this is NOT your mom's house. This kid is obviously babied by his mother to the point where he doesn't like coming to his dad's house because his dad can't buy him everything he asks for. He has his own TV, a Wii, PS2, Nintendo DS, and a hundred games and movies at his mom's house. They have cable, with all the movie channels, a flat screen television, and they go out to dinner. My boyfriend has explained that he doesn't have the money to buy that kind of stuff. His son whined and said, "Why don't you ever have money, Dad?" My boyfriend almost lost it. He told him, "Because I pay your mom a lot of money to take care of you, so you can have nice things over there." Way to put it...a 7 year old won't understand that.

My problem with all of this is only: Why doesn't he have his son more often? He lives close to his daycare and his school. There's no reason he can't have him overnight more often, except that he doesn't want to fight with the ex wife. I only started bringing this up to him when she started "forgetting" to bring his son over, or wouldn't call to tell him what time to pick him up, and took away his ONE night a week with him. I've had it up to my forehead.

The kid drives me nuts, but only because he's so absolutely spoiled by his mother that he thinks no one loves him unless they buy him stuff. He actually said that. "If you loved me Dad, you would buy me more stuff." His other favorite thing to say to his dad: "Dad, I love you more than you love me."

I basically told him, "Stop bitching about all your bills and how broke you are and how you can't do anything with your son if you're not going to do anything about it." I convinced him to agree to write a letter to the Friend of the Court (that's who deals with custody here in Michigan) to have his custody agreement reviewed. In my opinion, there's no reason my boyfriend can't have him half the time. We are always home, I can babysit during the days if I'm not working, and it's perfectly manageable. Boyfriend keeps saying he's going to write the letter, but hasn't yet. It's been a few months. It's getting worse by the week. His ex was supposed to pick up their son this past Saturday by 6 PM and didn't show up until a quarter to 9 because she was getting her hair done- apparently she spent $250 on this cut. She then texted him and asked if he'd just meet her outside with all of his things. She didn't want to get out of the car. She asked if it was okay if my boyfriend took him Wednesday night instead of Tuesday because their son has a dentist appointment at 4 and it would take a while. THEN, yesterday, she asks if he can watch his son for a while Tuesday night while she gets her hair fixed. It's disorganized and insensible. If she has something planned, she will bitch and throw a fit with my boyfriend if it's his day to have their son and she wants him. But if my boyfriend has something planned, she doesn't give two shits and will screw him over.

Anyway, I think it would be best if he just got his son for a week at a time, every other week, so he could spend more time with his son, and maybe start to fix his bad habits a little. I think half the problem is his son doesn't spend enough time at his father's house, so he doesn't feel like it's his home, and that's not right. When you know you're leaving with your mom in a few hours, you never get settled in. If he knew he'd be there for a week, maybe he'd chill out a little. Plus, my boyfriend wouldn't pay so much in child support, so maybe we could actually take him to do things once in a while.

End of that rant. Last thing- I now have three house rabbits running around. They're spoiled. We have a baby rabbit that is ridiculous. She'll eat anything we do. No joke. Chili dogs, pizza, nachos, beer, oatmeal, you name it. It's gotten to the point that we cannot eat anywhere in the living room because she will run and jump onto your plate- like she did my steak two weeks ago. She's hard to refuse, though.

There's my little bundle of joy. Baby Fat Pants, we call her. Now you see why we can't say no.

Our New Additions

2011-03-09T12:51:00.001-08:00

Travis and I decided to go look at bunnies last week. I didn't ask if we could get any, but apparently he decided I didn't need to. As a few of you may remember, I had two bunnies when I lived in Phoenix- Cooper and Beauty. Unfortunately, my deadbeat ex decided to give them back to Humane Society instead of shipping them to me here after I asked him to. I was reassured by a friend that they were brought there, so they are safe. I miss them so much. No one can replace them. But these new bundles of joy are just as cute, and full of personality. I adopted them as a pair. A lady in my area took in the adult female because she was treated poorly, and she ended up having 4 babies. So I took her and a female baby to give a good home to. So far they've been great, and seem happy. If you ever want a quiet animal companion, I suggest adopting a bunny.

The Stepson

2011-02-17T08:34:00.001-08:00

I've finally been placed in a situation I'm not comfortable with and can't exactly get out of- my boyfriend has a 7 year old son. He seems to really like me and listens to me and is polite to me. The only problem is, I think he's spoiled and baby'ed. He lives with his mom, whom has let him sleep in her bed up until the last couple months, and he's got more toys than any kid I know. The main situation is, he is so used to being spoiled by his mom and her parents he gets bored when he's with us and wants to leave. My boyfriend has no extra money after child support is paid, so he can't do anything outside the house with his own son. In the end, we're left to entertain him and fail because it's just not enough. We obviously can't control what happens outside our home, so how do we get him to like coming over? Because of this, I almost dread him coming over and feel like a bad person. I finally know what both my step parents felt like with me and my brother.

When Curiosity Kills The Cat

2011-02-16T19:47:00.001-08:00

Okay, so I'm not dead. But I definitely got kicked. I moved in with my boyfriend last week. Recently I've been having problems with my phone, and he offered me his old phone to use if I need to. Today was the day for rearranging the bedroom to fit my things in better and I happened to find the box with the phone. Not even thinking about what I could find, I decided to turn the phone on to check it out. Big mistake. I ended up in the text inbox and read a couple texts I didn't need to read. I've never been big on snooping, so I was immediately ashamed but what I read disturbed me. I had to tell him. I'm sure now, that what happened was unintentional, but it made me feel insignificant. He called his last girlfriend the same nicknames he calls me, and also lied about an important piece of information. If I hadn't have been curious about a phone, the ensuing awkward day wouldn't have taken place. Things are fine now- but I'm definitely making sure to ask before I snoop next time.

Day of Love

2011-02-15T09:59:00.001-08:00

Every year I become more and more annoyed by Valentine's Day. My friends will talk about what they want or how they wonder what their significant others will get them, or bitch about being single. This was the first year since I was 17 that I actually looked forward to it. My boyfriend and I are pretty tight on cash at the moment, so we decided on a spaghetti dinner together and a movie. I wanted to do something special, but not spend too much money, if any. I ended up creating a table setting from construction paper, including a menu, paper flowers in a beer bottle wrapped vase, and a paper candle. He loved it. We exchanged homemade cards, then sat down to eat while very cheesy love songs, picked by me, played in the background. Finally, a Valentine's Day I actually enjoyed, spent the way it's meant to be: with the one I love.

Life Changes

2011-02-14T07:15:00.001-08:00

As I said in my last post, my life has been crazy since I moved back to Michigan. It's so much different from living in Phoenix. It didn't take me long to get in the swing of things, though. The weather is obviously a huge change. It's my first winter with snow since early 2007. I've been freezing my butt off, but I guess I prefer adding layers rather than not having enough to take off in extreme heat. Winter is also a good season for kids- I've got my niece and nephew Makya and Mitchell in the picture above. I've loved spending every moment I can with them, including playing in the snow. I never thought I could love kids so much. I've never been much for children, but I love these two more than I've loved anything. They are probably the best thing about moving back to Michigan, and they love their Aunt Juj, as well. I'll have to write more on them later- I'm now preparing meatballs for Valentine's dinner with the new love of my life. He's another great chapter. Happy Monday everyone.

My New Life

2011-02-13T09:39:00.001-08:00

It's been a while since I posted anything on here. I'm hoping that's about to change. My life has been chaotic the last six months and is finally settling down. I'll tell you more about it when I have access to an actually computer. I hope everyone is doing well, and that eventually I'll catch up with all of my followers. Happy Valentine's Day.

After All

2010-08-17T11:06:00.000-07:00

I've spent that last few hours reading and commenting on my blog subscriptions. All of you guys are so busy, and so productive, I feel like I've accomplished nothing. Although, that is sort of a lie because after all- I moved across the country and am starting all over again.

It's overwhelming. It's weird sleeping in my "high school" bedroom, surrounded by walls I painted at the end of a disastrous relationship to cover up memories, hanging out with people the remind me of everything that made me leave Michigan in the first place. Sometimes I feel like the only thing that has changed is- well, me.

My mom and I have never been best friends, which is sad to me. All of my high school friends' parents loved me and I always called them Mom. Maybe it's disrespectful to my own mother, but it is how it is. My mom has not changed at all, despite how everyone tried convincing me otherwise. She is still an alcoholic, she still resents me, she still picks on every detail she can't stand about me, or (as I've recently discovered) is jealous of. She is constantly bringing up the size of my chest in front of people to embarrass me or make me feel bad. My aunt was one of the people there, and she just whispered in my ear, "Your mom is just jealous because she has no boobs." And it hit me- it's true. My own mother is jealous of me because I have curves and she never has. I still don't get it, though. She will be 46 years old this year- isn't it time to get over these things? Apparently not. Old habits die hard- or rather don't die at all.

My oldest younger brother (he turned 24 in July) also has resentment towards me for some reason. I do not get it. He was the most popular guy in high school. No one knew who I was, but he was homecoming prince, and prom king. He was student body president. He broke the record for our school for most strikeouts thrown in one season (baseball). He is tall, and handsome, and everyone likes him. Yet, he still feels it necessary to make me feel like crap every time we hang out. We had our yearly family reunion this past weekend, and there is always a big party. We had a fire, and we invited some of our own friends, and our Canadian family was there, and it was supposed to be fun. I had fun until suddenly my brother verbally attacked me in front of everyone, yelling at me and saying the most awful things ("you're worthless," "you're a drama queen," "you're fucking crazy," bringing attention to the scars on my arms and legs, etc). Finally a few of his friends actually had to tell him to shut up, but ten minutes later he had me by the arm and was trying to wrestle me to the ground.

I'm 25 years old. I don't play these games anymore. Maybe it was cute when we were little kids to wrestle and beat each other up, but it's not anymore. I took it that way, too. We were both pretty inebriated, but I fought him off, and I actually ended up pinning him to the ground and he had to tell me to get off. I don't know how, since I'm 5'1 and about 20 pounds lighter since moving back here, and he is 6' and 185, but I did. Everyone was laughing at him and telling him he shouldn't mess with me because that's what he gets.

Later on though, I ended up walking home, sitting on my bedroom floor, and crying my eyes out. My mom came out and got into it with us, and she stood on his side, telling me I'm a cry baby and drama queen as well. It's just so much to take on. I cut myself for the first time since February. I regret it now, because I thought I was beyond all this, but I suppose the issues are much deeper than I realized. A few years away and some therapy haven't cure the feelings of insignificance and worthlessness I have when it comes to my mom and my brother.

It's sad that my youngest brother (17) is the person that understands me most and is now the one closest to me, even though there is a big age gap and I missed most of his teenage years. I just can't figure out how to fix the messes around me. In Phoenix it was with my ex and my step mom. Here it's my mom and my brother. It doesn't help that I really do need emotional support. I'm beginning to think that I should apply for social security temporarily, because the unstableness makes it hard for me to even get out of bed some days.

I'm happier than I have been, but it's still not happy enough to enjoy everyday things, or just accomplish the smallest tasks. I suppose I'm going to work on getting into therapy here, and hopefully, I'll be able to at least mend the pieces and stop anymore from breaking off.

For A Good Cause

2010-08-17T00:09:00.000-07:00

I'm only posting this link because I know this person well and feel awful I cannot help her out. We grew up in the same neighborhood when we were younger and we just recently met up again, and she is having some hard luck. After going through everything I just went through this last year, I told her to set up a donation site. A lot of good people helped me get home, and I am safe and sound here now, and I'm just really hoping it works for her. So, go here and read what she had to say, and then spread the word around if you can. I'm going to try to keep tabs if I can.

I know that blogger is a supportive community for those of us having hard times. Please pass this on for me.

Times Change

2010-08-01T10:03:00.000-07:00

It's been a minute since I posted on here. As soon as I can, I'm going to get that laptop fixed and get some Internet!

Nothing new, nothing exciting going on. Sometimes things are good, sometimes they are bad. I'm just kinda hanging in the shadows up here in northern Michigan. A lot has happened but I'll wait until I can really write about it to say.

Sorry I am not around much to post comments, I promise as soon as I get my computer up and running I will be all over your blogs!

What A Conundrum

2010-06-24T14:53:00.000-07:00

I've been in Michigan a little more than a month now. Things are alright, so far. I have been spending a lot of time with my nieces and nephew, my brothers, and my sister-law-law. I am staying with my mom and stepdad, for now, and hopefully I'll land a job soon. I'm not quite sure what I wanna do yet, but I hope to be on my feet by fall. Early winter, at latest. I'm not enjoying depending on other people for rides and the like right now. However, it is better being here, surrounded by my family and friends than in Phoenix, miserable and alone 99% of the time.

I guess I miss Chris a little more than I expected to. Although I've kept busy and rarely have a spare moment to myself, at night I find myself thinking about him and it is hard. The morning I left Phoenix he sounded as if he really was sad, and that he wanted to stay in touch, and he even told me he would try to visit this winter. Now he is completely mean. He told me not to text him anymore, and that he will send me my stuff as soon as he can, and that he wants me out of his life. I have no idea where this harshness came from. I thought we were ending everything on good terms. It just wasn't meant to be. However, I still wanted to remain friends, even if it is only once in a while, via text or whatever. I don't get why he suddenly had a change of heart. It makes me sad because he was a part of my life, and I do love him. I didn't think we would just suddenly never talk or see each other again. The worst part is that he still has my bunnies, so I have to deal with his attitude until I can have them sent out here.

On a slightly better note, I have a slight thing for someone. Thing meaning, I'm not sure what it can be because I don't know how I feel about anything. However, when I was still in Phoenix, I had been corresponding with an old classmate since December. He was stationed in Kuwait at the time, but we both flew into the same airport in Michigan on the same day, only three hours apart. We decided we would get together while he was here for a couple weeks. At the time we were talking, he was into this girl that lived here, but she apparently blew him off when he arrived, and he was not so happy. I felt terrible because he did nothing but talk about her on Facebook and he told me they were so much alike, it just seemed right. She is very, very young, though. He didn't really go into a lot of detail about the situation, but the night we decided to get together he basically told me she had decided to move in with her ex and failed to mention it to him.

He doesn't follow my usual trend in taste for guys. I always vowed to never date a man in the military (my reasons are valid). I have nothing against the men, personally- I just have never wanted to live the military lifestyle. This guy, though- I'll call him S- is a bit different. I'm not even sure sometimes I really like it; I just know that we sort of understand each other, and we both led rough lives as kids. We have the same beliefs, we like the same things. He has a very serious demeanor, though, whereas I'm bubbly and goofy and laugh nonstop most of the time. He has a good sense of humor, just doesn't laugh out loud a lot or smile. I get it, though. I brought it up to him once that sometimes I don't know if he thinks I'm hilarious or a dumb ass. He told me pointe blank, I think you are hilarious, even if it is dumb ass humor you have. It was actually a compliment! He calls me "Doll" and "Love" a lot. Which could just be something he calls all girls/women that he adores, for all I know. However, I still find it sweet.

We got together about a week after we both got back to Michigan. We ended up going to his parents house for the night, to have drinks, watch movies, listen to music, and talk. It was fun. We talked about everything. I was a little nervous, a little ditzy, and drank a little too much. He did too, though, and nothing terrible happened. I did not go crazy (well, in a bad way, anyway), although I was loud. I'm always loud. I don't know how to train myself to be quiet. How is it done? His parents live down the road from my sister-in-law (that is a story for another time, I'll say), so I told him he could just drop me off there. She invited him to stay a while, and so he did. My nieces and nephew were there, and he was SO good with them. My youngest niece adored him. She usually cries around new people, especially men, being as she's only 8 months old. But she didn't cry at all. He held her and played with her and it was so endearing. I have never had the ambition to have kids someday, but it was still sweet watching him with them, and knowing he would probably be a good dad. (Isn't that one of the things a woman is supposed to look for in a man?)

He stuck around for the night, and we had a few drinks and a fire and some music. My sister-in-law liked him, which is good, because usually she can usually tell if someone is an asshole or not. He ended up leaving around midnight, and I walked him to his truck. He gave me a hug, and he kissed my forehead. That was when I was thrown for a loop. A kiss on the forehead is usually a sign of affection, correct? I told Pam, and she thought it was sweet and probably meant he liked me, and thought of me as more than just you know...a piece of ass or whatever. And that made me feel like a million dollars. Chris never kissed my forehead. Not once in almost two years.

He was only here to pack up the rest of his things, because he has duty in Washington for a year. So we saw each other once more, and then he was busy the rest of the time. We have talked on the phone, and have texted almost everyday. I try to give it a rest, since I don't want to seem desperate, needy, or clingy. I'm not any of those things. I do enjoy talking to him. We always have something to talk about. He never seems annoyed, even if I do drunk text him nonsense (I have a thing for lyrics from 80's butt rock songs). He always says, "Sweet dreams [doll/love]." I do not want a relationship currently. I have too much to do and think about to have to worry about giving someone else enough attention. Plus, he is in Washington for a year. In a way, it is sort of good. There isn't so much pressure on either side.

One of the best parts- he's a musician. He plays guitar and writes songs. I've always had a weakness for musicians. I've only dated two or three non-musicians. I just find it so sexy. So even though he doesn't fit my usual canvas for a guy, he still has traits I totally fall for. Which makes it that much harder. Sigh. Maybe it isn't what I should be thinking about right now, but is it so wrong for me to want it? I'm 25. I know to some it doesn't seem so old. But when I look around and see all of my friends settling down, getting married, having kids, it makes me feel as if I'm still living my high school years. I know that it isn't rational. Everyone goes at their own pace. I'm not ready to settle down and I'm not ready for marriage nor kids. In fact, I've never wanted kids. At one time I wanted to be married, but since the first time it failed, I've been slightly wary of the whole thing. Now I look at myself, and wonder if I'm really going to end up alone for the next 20 years because I've been so anti-marriage and kids. I do not want to be alone, but I know that I need someone who can deal with my mood swings, my crazy lifestyle, and wants the same things as I do. And that doesn't come easily.

I suppose I shall end this here. My niece is getting into cookies and my nephew just woke up. Time to be an aunt and a good babysitter.

2010-06-05T22:00:00.001-07:00

I really need to get mobile internet but I can't afford it right now. I took a picture of heart shaped cheese then realized I couldn't send it. This saddens me.

Sweet Home Michigan, yeah!

2010-06-03T14:33:00.000-07:00

I do not have much time to post, as I am actually using a friend's computer. But I will tell you this-

I finally made it home to Michigan. YES! I did. However, I'm mighty sad it was sans bunnies. :( I still have to find a way to get them here soon. Hopefully I'll land a job, and be able to have them with me by the end of July. I didn't realize how expensive bunnies are to fly or ship. Chris has them in his new apartment safe and sound so.

I just wanted to say that. Hope everyone is doing great!

Still In Desperate Times

2010-03-31T11:01:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to post my most desperate blog yet. Don't judge me.

My cable got shut off. So this means-

1) I have no TV
2) I have no Internet
3) I have no phone

Once again I am like a hermit. Therefore, I won't be able to keep posting links for people to help me out. Seriously, it's getting bad. The ex I live with is refusing to help pay for any of my living expenses, and I can't even call my mom to let her know what is going on without spending five dollars at a pay phone- I don't even HAVE five dollars. Not to mention, my one good bra broke the other day, and seriously, this one incident sent me into a downward spiral to depression. Why? Well, how would you feel if you only own one bra that was two sizes too small and cut off circulation, therefore leaving you panting all day and sore when you finally take it off?

I hate being a beggar, but at this point in time, I don't even care. I am at a friend's house using her computer, so hopefully people will see this, and help me out. Even donating five bucks will help. Donate Here to help me out. Please, I'm on my knees, begging you, as pitiful as it sounds.

Desperately Panicked-
Nicolette

Juj-Style Stuffed French Toast

2010-03-27T15:27:00.000-07:00

A friend wanted the recipe for the French toast I made the other day, and because I sort of guessed at everything, I don't have exact measurements or instructions. But- if you know even a hair about baking you should be fine with the following recipe. As always with baking, you don't need exact measurements because it isn't an exact science. So you your best judgements.

So, depending how many people you are going to be feeding, you have to adjust all of my guestimates. I made four pieces and one piece is two pieces of bread, plus the filling. One is enough for one person.

You will need:
Thick or heavy bread (Italian or raisin bread works)
Eggs (3+, depending on faces you are serving)
Milk
Cream cheese
Powdered sugar
Vanilla/nutmeg/cinnamon/almond extract (pick one or two, vanilla is needed for filling)
Any fruit or jam you might want for the top or filling

Pre heat oven to 350.

Start with three eggs, and probably little less than a cup of milk. Beat the eggs and milk like you would for regular French toast, add some vanilla extract (a tablespoon, more or less for taste).

The bread needs to be thick, or sort of stiff. I used homemade raisin bread because it's really heavy and won't fall apart in the egg mixture. Soak four pieces in the eggs mixture, and put them in a nonstick pan (be sure to use baking grease on your pan- I learned the hard way nonstick does not really mean nonstick). They need to be REALLY soaked.

So, while those are sitting in the pan, go over to your bar of cream cheese. You need to beat the shit out of this if you don't have a mixer, and you may have enormous muscles when you're done. Add half a cup of milk to it. Depending on how thick you want the stuffing to be, you can add more. Once it's semi-beat to death, add a quarter cup of powdered sugar, and two tbs of vanilla extra, or you can use whatever you'd like- nutmeg, cinnamon, almond extract. Make sure this is good and mixed. If you want, you can also add some jam to flavor it, or even a mashed banana or two.

Once you have this done, spread out the filling on top of the bread in the pan. You can put as much as you want or as little. I put a few scoops per slice. Next, soak your next pieces of bread for the top. Slap them on them on there. You may or may not have a lot of egg mixture left, but pour the remaining over top of the bread. Doesn't matter if there is some in the bottom because the bread will soak it up, or the eggs will just bake.

Stick it in the oven. Depending if you LIKE butter on it or not, you can pull it out at 20 mins to dollop some butter on it, and some cinnamon or powdered sugar. Stick in the oven for another 10-15 minutes. You will know it is done when the top is browned. I stick a knife in the center to see how mushy the bottom pieces of bread are, as well. It's hard to tell when they are done, but you will know.

And, it's ready to serve! Make sure you separate them and take them out of the pan ASAP because otherwise they will dry to the pan. Of course you can put fruit, syrup, etc on top. They are VERY filling though, so don't make any heavy sides. Maybe some turkey bacon or something. Plus, if you're on a diet- unless you use lowfat everything, it's going to be a bit on the high cal side.

That is my recipe! Tell me if you end up making it. :)

Finding It Hard To Feel

2010-03-25T22:59:00.000-07:00

I've never been one for affection. I was never hugged and kissed as a child; I never had parents that praised me or made it known that I was in fact loved. It may hurt them to know I realize this now, as an adult, because I find it had to show affection to anyone I love. Of course, I still say 'Love ya,' to my friends, closest family, et cetera; but real affection? Unheard of. I do not know what it feels like to want to express that part of myself.

This is all hitting me very hard because there are certain people in my life I wish I could say and do affectionate things towards. I am feeling lately like they may take it as rejection when I don't return their gestures. It's not that I don't want to, or that I don't feel it. It is that, well...I don't know how to and still feel comfortable with myself.

I've always been closed-hearted despite how very big-hearted I am. I let people in all the time- if I like you, you find a place in my heart. At the same time, it's rare to find me opening that part of myself up to just anyone.

Why is this? I think if I could solve this problem about myself, I could solve my problems in life, period. Maybe if I could feel and let in a little bit more love...affection...I may be a bit happier with myself and my life.

The Art of Dissection

2010-03-23T02:16:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I believe that this journey we all go through called Life is nothing more than a sick joke created by Man himself to amuse his days and nights. Other days I realize this couldn't possibly be true, because despite the fact that some scenes here on Earth are hilarious, and sometimes heart warming, others are completely wretched and heart breaking. No sane entity would enjoy watching the suffering of others. Yet there is so much of it today.

Without tragedy, we'd have no way to judge our happiness. It seems like a contradiction in itself. Why couldn't we all live in complete oblivion of what happiness or sadness was? Why is it that we have been bestowed upon with these these flutterings and flappings of feelings? Feelings, feelings...

The very essence of them both drags and lifts me in a hundred different directions while still managing to hold me down in the very spot I wish to be far away from. If I could fly, I would do so in a heartbeat, but I know that at the same time, I'd long for Earth once I was in the sky. Isn't that the way it is, though? You hate the very place you're in only because you are there- if you were somewhere else you would want to be back where you were before. Sort of like how I long for Michigan but dreaded it while I was there.

The only way to fix this knotted rope of crazy feelings is to accept them as they are and move on in life. I cannot keep holding myself down because I don't understand something. I could ponder and wonder and disassemble and reunite every piece of emotion that I feel and it would accomplish nothing. I'd still be a bundle of confusion. I think this goes for everyone. Others are just more accepting of the fact, and instead of trying to figure everything out they go on about life. I always thought one of my greatest talents is being able to say exactly how I feel. Maybe it is one of my greatest faults as well, for if I wasn't so great at doing so, maybe I would spend more time living life instead of dissecting it.

So far, it's done nothing good for me. I love to dwell. I could probably put it as one of my favorite past times. I'm good at it. In parting ways with Arizona, I want to teach myself to forget dissecting and instead enjoy everything as a whole, not as pieces of something larger than myself. Though parts of life have seemed cruel jokes, life altogether is not. It is sad, and crazy, and lame, and sometimes disastrous, but it is great. I think I will toss away my knife for now and forget taking things apart. Maybe it will make more sense to me then.

Still Getting There

2010-03-14T20:25:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm about a month and a half away from moving day and couldn't be more thrilled. Everyone seems so happy I'm coming back. I've already got offers for places to stay back in Michigan, and my cousin even offered to take my rabbits on her farm if I needed a bit to figure stuff out. I am feeling more positive about life than I have in a while.

I started this donation thing because of my friend. She wanted to help me out but knew that if I had all my friends pitch in five bucks I'd EASILY have enough to send my stuff back and fly home. My biggest fear is leaving all of my stuff behind. I do not want to leave my book collection behind. We're talking 15 years worth of collecting, and a lot of them I like to reread. I've already donated about half my paperbacks, when I first moved here.

So anyway, in case you didn't read my last post, I set up a donation site and just need a little more help to get back to Michigan. Once the lease is up on this apartment on May 31st I will officially be homeless here. I'd rather not wait til the last minute to get things done. If you want to help, refer to my last post here and it's much appreciated if you can. I've only gotta little ways to go. My mom and some of my family are paying for my flight- I just need help shipping some stuff. I've got about 6 or 7 boxes left, so, it's about a hundred bucks.

That's really all that's up. Been trying to stay sane and keep my head on straight until I actually get going. I suppose now that's all I have left to do- wait!

Help A Friend

2010-03-11T16:58:00.000-08:00

Alright, here goes-

My good friend Beth told me to do this. It's for a good cause.

On May 31st my lease is up on my apartment. I am trying to move back to Michigan and have limited funds to do so. My plan was to have someone fly out, help me pack, and then we would drive back in a truck. I don't have a driver's license, so it's sorta hard for me to do that. I found out to rent a U-Haul for a three day drive is close to 2 grand. There is no way I'll come up with that much in two months.

So, here is my plan instead: I need enough money to at least send my belongings back home. This is going to cost me about $500-$600, depending. I'll be flying back to Michigan with my rabbits.

This is all very sudden, because my boyfriend and I broke up and I basically have nowhere to go out here right now. I've been job hunting with no luck and there's no way I can afford to live on my own in Phoenix. If you want to help, just use the donate button below. Anything is appreciated, really. I know everyone is having a hard time right now, so don't feel bad if you can't.

Thank you all, for being supportive and helping me through the hard times.

~Nicolette

**EDIT: I would just like to update this by saying, so far I have gotten $100 from people donating. Thank you so much. I'm that much closer to getting home, and also, I am already starting to ship out my things this week. I need about $200 more, so please, if you're just reading this, help me out! :) I would just love to be back in northern Michigan with my family and friends!

Places You Have Come To Fear The Most

2010-03-05T12:56:00.000-08:00

My title comes from a song by Dashboard Confessional, of the same name. You should check it out sometime.

I haven't been back here in a while. Why? you ask. Because- I feared reading what I had written about the 'incident' and what other people had to say about it. I suppose I shouldn't fear such things- there are far worse obstacles to get through.

I really have nothing in particular that I would like to blog about today, but I would like to bring up several topics that have been on my mind. Rather, questions really, not topics, although they could make entire blogs themselves. First up to bat- dating and age.

When is it okay for an older woman to actually hit on a younger man? I'm not talking 40 year old cougar hitting on 25 year old law student. Think younger than that, on both counts. I know someone who is my age, talking to an 18 year old. That is a 6 year difference, in age and probably moreso in maturity. Does an 18 year old guy even know what he's doing in life, let alone with an older woman? I'm not so sure. I have mixed feelings. The guy can be incredibly insightful, yet at times I feel there is something lacking- like, several years. I suppose it's in the eye of the beholder.

I don't want to delve too far into that because I would rather not dissect it. It will make me critical of the people involved and that's something I'm not willing to do at this point.

The second issue would be- what to do when you've fallen out of love, but can't bring yourself to admit it.

The time has come. After months and months of being frustrated and devastated and torn, I've finally hit my brick wall- I am no longer in love. Whether it is because of the numerous break ups, the things he has done to me, or the names he has called me, I no longer care. I don't want to be with him anymore. It is quite obvious he is only with me out of convenience, so what is so hard about this?

How can you explain to someone you just need time to figure out where you're going to go and what you're going to do before you move out? I have no idea. That's the truth. I have nowhere to go. Last time this happened I moved to Colorado, and that didn't turn out so well. I was back here a month later. But now it is me doing the breaking up. What do I say? "I don't love you anymore, but I need to stay here until I figure out my life?" I'm sure that'll go over real well.

How confusing and difficult. I thought the worst was behind me in high school. These are definitely more substantial and crazy times for me. I'll be 25 in 3 months, yet I feel years older. I look it, too. The stress and sadness has definitely taken it's toll on me.

While I'm here, I'd like to thank the people who haven given me awards that I haven't mentioned. I do recognize them, though, and will try to get around to posting them. I appreciate your support and attention, though.

With that, I sign off. Happy March, everyone. The first day of spring is just around the corner.

The Drunk Ways

2010-02-06T02:39:00.000-08:00

I wrote my last blog in the heat of the moment. I have told no one my true thoughts and emotions on the catastrophe, yet it was the least commented of all of my blogs.

It is because it was too long.

There is no certain length of words which to describe something so spectacular (whether truly wonderful or absolutely terrible) . I feel absolutely lost in the words I wrote because those are what I still feel.

I don't feel words are necessary for that. My drunk driving is enough to say- I was a loser.

I don't want to blame anyone for my ways. But I will always blame you, in my heart, because you have destroyed everything I've built in the last ten years all by drinking three beers, and your luck was passed on to me.

Sincerely,
Me

A Night Not Worth It

2010-01-30T06:21:00.000-08:00

I lay in bed reading tonight (this morning) because I've found it hard to sleep until I'm totally exhausted. Not exactly the best thing for anyone, but not new to me. After putting down my book for the night, turning off my light, and rolling over, the thoughts and memories of my past came back to me, and I felt ashamed and embarrassed once again. I do not reveal this to many people I am not close with, but for some reason, I just have to get it off of my chest.

In summer of 2006, one of my oldest friends was pulled over and arrested for drinking and driving. I remember we were both at another friends, watching movies and drinking that night, and I had planned to stay the night. She, on the other hand, did not. My friend has had a lot of serious issues in the past, and her drinking is one of them. She didn't have that many while we were together. She was also not a lightweight and it took quite a few to get her drunk, but I told her not to leave. She got a text from a guy though, and decided to meet up with him. It wasn't then she was pulled over, but on her way home from a bonfire. I remember waiting up for her text that she got home, but I never got it. I tried calling several times but she never answered. Finally, at four AM, I fell alseep, and not but an hour later I got a call from her. She was in jail, and she was laughing about it.

I admit I laughed. I couldn't believe she had done it, for one, and two, she had always been a good kid growing up. Both of us were sort of the goody-goodies in our school, and didn't start drinking until several years after high school. However, this was also the summer several accidents happened that involved people from our own school. She was lucky she wasn't one of them. One girl I was on the cheerleading squad was killed. Another guy was left paralyzed after the driver of his vehicle flipped it, going 80 miles an hour down a curved road. It was a sad summer for everyone.

This was also the same summer my ex and I officially cut off contact between each other. We were both seeing new people, but it was still hard on both of us. I moved back in with my mother, whom I had never had a good relationship with (until the recent year). I was depressed and confused by everything going on. My friends were constantly fighting amongst each other, and it seemed I was always in the middle of it. Not to mention, but my best friend moved to Germany a few months before, so I felt completely lost. Come late 2006, I was pretty much a wreck. I fell for someone that had liked me a lot at one point, but after being shut down by me, decided I was just a good friend. It broke my heart. My mom and step dad were at my throat for everything. To say the least, 2006 was the worst year of my life.

I met up again with a guy I had hung out with for a short period in 2004. Our relationships seemed to be falling apart, and we connected on a level I knew was strictly situational, but I couldn't help but like him. We split ways, and it was by chance I ran into him in fall of 2006, at a bar I rarely went to on a night I did. Even though it was a bit awkward, seeing each other as we did, we exchanged phone numbers. It was something I will forever regret, and wonder if I hadn't done it, if things would be different.

We hung out several times in December before I left to visit my dad in Phoenix. I hadn't moved out here yet, and wanted to test the waters. Michigan obviously wasn't working out for me, and a change of scenery seemed to be what I needed. It was a great trip, but I still wasn't sure I wanted to stay. The friend I had fallen for picked me up from the airport in Grand Rapids on my return, and drive me home, three hours away. There is a back story to him as well, but I'll save it. To say the least, he was the least likely person I would ever fall for but the best person to choose at the time, for a few reasons. I learned he was seeing someone I pretty much despised and of course, like a typical sensitive girl, I fell apart again.

I began drinking a lot. I was able to cut myself off, and I never drove drunk, but I could still see I was on a downward spiral. I decided to get help from the mental health department in my town, and scheduled an evaluation to be done in January. I had an hour long appointment with a man I didn't feel quite comfortable with, and we decided I needed to start weekly therapy because my emotional and mental health were very obviously spiraling.

During all of this I began dating the guy I had run into at the bar. He was basically no good. He had basically turned into the Bad Boy From Hell. He drank, he smoked, he got into fights, he got arrested. He paid me a lot of attention, though, albeit it wasn't the sort I needed. Several times I drove to pick him up from the bar after refusing to go with him. I was trying to get help, and even though I saw that he wasn't helping the situation, I didn't want to be alone. I picked him up from a bar one night, and ended up also driving his best friend and girlfriend. We decided to take back roads, because he wasn't supposed to be drinking- he was on probation. In the state of Michigan, if you are on probation, you are not allowed to consume alcohol. That is a fact. I know a lot of states have hard punishments, but I believe Michigan's is one of the hardest. I didn't even bother trying to enforce it with him. Even though I was still considered a good girl at the time, I wanted to be a bad girl.

I learned how nasty his temper was the same night. He punched my windshield, and it was hard enough to spider-web the entire passenger side. I was in shock. The worst part was, it was over something that had happened several years before, and it still had that effect on him. I yelled at him, and told him he was going to pay for it, but he said he would just have his brother replace it since he worked for a car repair shop. I should have known, right then and there, but I didn't.

I remember to this moment the very date things changed for me. January 18th, 2007. Nothing significant to be back then. It was Dollar Pint Night at most of the bars in downtown Traverse City. All of my friends were going, except for me. I had chosen to not go, and was fine with it. I hung out with my best friend and her boyfriend, and looked at wedding dresses with her. I was content to stay in and stay sober. At a little bit before midnight, I got a call from the crazy guy, asking me to come down to his favorite bar. So I did. He proceeded to act like an ass to me, and I wasn't having it. After half an hour of enduring his cockiness and smart ass remarks, I told him I was leaving. He followed me out to my car, where he demanded I wait to drive him home.

I said no. I told him to go to hell, and went to open my door, but despite his drunkeness, he was too fast. He hit me in the face, and called me a cunt. I didn't slow down though; I got in my car and drove back to my friend's apartment, where I didn't tell her or her boyfriend anything. I merely said, "I need a really strong drink."

After that, the night is a blur. I ended up going downtown with my friends after all, where everyone bought me drinks and was so happy to see me. I tried my best to forget what had happened, but I know I was feeling it. Deep down, I wasn't happy; I wasn't laughing or smiling with my friends. I was reliving that moment, over and over again. Someone ended up dropping me back off at my car, and with every intent to not drive that night, I still did. I got in my car, and I drove. I was going to drive straight to that jerk-off's house and give him a piece of my mind.

I didn't get very far. About five miles down the road I went to make a left hand turn, and I slid into the snow bank on the opposite side. Michigan winter's aren't something you mess with, especially when you've been drinking. The funny part about this is, my cousin actually saw my car, stopped, and said when we talked I seemed fine; sober as could be. She offered to wait with me, and I said nah, I'm just gonna ask someone to help push me out. The guy that offered to help though, wound up calling the police on me, and I was arrested for drunk driving.

This has been on my mind for three years. Three long years I have thought about what could have happened. And not to me, mind you- but to someone else. What if I had killed someone? What if I had died- what would my family and friends do? How could my decision have affected thousands of others? I haven't had a car nor a license in three years. Despite pleading guilty, and showing proof to the judge I had already personally begun seeking help before this, he gave me the max penalty in the state of Michigan for DUI. Nine months probation, 30 days of twice daily PBTs (breathalyzers), 60 days of once daily PBTs, then 90 days of randoms; 60 hours of community service; and then 30 days suspended license, 60 days of restricted license, then $1000 a year for two years to reinstate my license. I had to pay the courts over $2000 in fees, $3 per PBT. I was placed in classes for addicts, which cost me $7 dollars per meeting, twice a week for 9 weeks. I had to pay the county I lived in for damage to a fire hydrant (which I don't think was right, because my car was nowhere near a fire hydrant, nor was I going fast enough to plow through a snowbank in a tiny Cavalier), which was $600. Then, I also had to pay an incarceration fee for the six hours I stayed in jail. I'm not doing the math, but add all those fees up, and you have a lot of money. Subtract $1000 because I haven't been able to pay the last fee to get my license reinstated for the second year.

I know this has already gotten long enough, but I am almost finished. The attorney they gave me did NOTHING to help my case. I had to pay him, as well, even though it was made mandatory by the judge because of the crime. I plead guilty, straight up, and when the judge asked me what happened, I told him. I told him the truth. I didn't cry or beg or plead with him, I just told him- I had a bad night, and even before it, I had saught out help. I was a volunteer cheer coach at my old high school, which I thought should have proven I am not a typical offender. I was enrolled to join school a week later- which I ended up dropping, because I no longer had a license and had a schedule to follow. I know he was trying to do a service to the community, but giving a 21 year old female with no priors that volunteers to help her community is extreme. He explained that he would make an example of me and what could happen, no matter how great of a person you are, if you made this mistake.

I lost my spot as coach, because I couldn't get rides. A job I was supposed to start was no longer there for me, because of my schedule. My PBTs had to be done before 10 AM every morning and between 5 and 7 PM every night. My meetings were twice a week. There was no way a job was going to work around my schedule. Yet, they expected me to pay for everything, within 9 months time. If I had been depressed before, I was ten feet under by that point. I know I brought it on myself, but for some reason, I couldn't get a break, no matter how hard I tried at the time. I made a mistake, and I paid. And I'm still paying.

This is one of the reasons I am unable to sleep sometimes. If I hadn't made that decision, I would still have a license, I would still have a car. I wouldn't be stuck using the bus system. Maybe I wouldn't have even moved out here, and become more miserable. This is proof that one night can change your whole life; one mistake can cost you everything. And the judge did what he wanted- he made an example out of me. So far, it's costed me three years of my life. Yet, it could have costed so much more.

Home Base

2010-01-26T06:01:00.000-08:00

It's the end of junior year, and I have a cheerleading awards assembly to go to. It is also around my birthday, so my mom takes me and my bestie Amber to the mall to go shopping, and to eat at my favorite restaurant, Don's Drive-In (if you're ever in Traverse City, MI- OMG must eat there). She buys me a cute new outfit, consisting of a blue shirt that laces up to the neck, a pair of blue jean capris, and some white mules with some crazy design on them. White shoes and I don't go together, and especially half-shoes, due in large part to the fact that I am constantly tripping over things, including my own feet. I just had to have them, though. I have no idea that my first time going to home base in this outfit will not be in the way I expect it.

The day of my awards ceremony, The Drummer tells me he can't go, but will wish me luck before I leave. My stepsister happens to visit at the same time, so we're waiting on the porch for him to show up. I'm dressed in my new outfit, when The Drummer arrives in my driveway. I am so giddy (this is within the first month we were together) that I gleefully skip down the steps and down our dirt driveway to greet him. Only, I don't make it all the way there. At least, not on my feet.

It took all of two seconds to realize what was happening, and that I wouldn't be able to stop it. One- I tripped over said new white shoes. Two- I was going to fall, as I was skipping way too fast and would be unable to catch myself. Three- All of this would happen in front of my stepsister, my mother, and my new boyfriend. Two seconds later, my arms were out in front of me as if I was going to slide head first into home base, my face was planted in the dirt, and I was soon gliding right into The Drummer's work boots.

For about a minute nobody moved. I kept my face down, wondering how I would pull off some smooth exit of this hellishly mortifying moment. But before I could think about it, I began laughing hysterically, and when I do so, I do so silently. My body merely bounced up and down as I cracked up at my own expense. Finally, Drummer Boy reached down to help me up. I took his hand and met his face, and I could see that I had dirt on my nose. And apparently, my forehead, as he wiped it off with the sleeve of his shirt.

My mom and stepsister were laughing hysteically from the porch, but The Drummer didn't know what to do, because we had just begun dating and he wasn't sure it was appropriate to laugh. Later on he told me that he had stood there covering his mouth, looking at me, wondering if I was crying or laughing. I could only picture this but it made me laugh harder at myself.

I didn't have time to change before the ceremony, so I wound up going to it with my new white shoes covered in dirt. The entire time I sat on stage, I had to concentrate on not laughing becaue I could not believe what I had done. My teammates asked me afterwards why I was covered in dirt, and I couldn't tell them without busting up.

The worst part is, that isn't even the most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to me.

I Laugh When You Get Hurt

2010-01-25T15:32:00.000-08:00

My ex and I had a lot of fun together for three years. It was a good time, most of the time, despite the fact that I would really like to wring his neck these days. We went to concerts all the time, never failed to have the best parties at our house, and we found creative things to do when we were broke. Some days I wonder why it all fell apart- but that's for a different day.

I was 19 years old, he was 20, and we had just moved into our first place together. We had his brother visiting for the weekend, and he was an avid skateboarder. He wasn't awesome or anything, but he brought his skateboard everywhere and was one of those kids you always see in parking lots, trying to pull off tricks. He brought his skateboard with him when we went grocery shopping, and on the way back, had a brilliant plan. He wanted me to pull him behind my car.

I laughed and said no way. I didn't want him to get hurt under my watch. His mom would kill me, for one, and not my ex. I didn't need the drama. So my ex said he would drive while his brother skated behind us. I was practically chewing my fingernails off in nervousness because I didn't want to spend the night in the hospital because his brother had bashed open his head while pulling some stupid stunt.

Thankfully, he was a good enough skater that he didn't fall. It doesn't seem very fast to most of us, but being pulled five miles an hour behind a car on a skateboard is pretty damn fast. And he did it. He said it was a lot harder than movies make it look (um, duh?). My ex, who was over 6 feet tall and had no coordination whatsoever, said he wanted to try it. In my mind I was thinking, "Yeah, okay, I know this won't work." But I just shook my head and said, "Fine, but I'm driving." The deal was, he would hit the car if he wanted to go faster, and scream if he wanted us to stop (the windows were rolled down). Have you ever seen that movie with John Candy and Dan Akroyd, when they take their families camping, and John Candy wants to teach his son to water ski, but it fails when he's the one getting pulled suddenly behind the boat? It was similar to this.

I started off going slow, and watched the rearview mirror to make sure he wasn't falling or anything. We we the only house on this backstreet, so I wasn't worried about cars coming, but I was worried about his gangly ass breaking his neck. He tapped the trunk of the car, so I went a little faster. Almost five miles an hour. He then hit the trunk again, and I checked to make sure he was serious. He was. He gave me a thumbs up, with his big goofy smile on his face. I sped up. Seven to eight miles an hour, and he was still holding on. I was laughing by this time, because seriously- who would have thought he'd last?

I checked in the rearview mirror, and suddenly, he was gone. The sideview mirror revealed the most horrifying hilarious image ever- my ex was bouncing down the side of the road. I could see him trying to stop himself, but it wasn't working. His limbs were this way and that, and he looked like a ragdoll. The skateboard flew underneath my car and out the front, and I stopped quickly and jumped out. He was lying in the gravel, moaning and groaning. "I hit a rock," he mumbled.

I made sure he was okay, and he was. He managed to tuck and roll without hitting his head. By this time, I was hysterical with laughter. The image of him bouncing down the road was too much. He got in the car and we drove home to survey the damage. He was really lucky, but still had some nasty injuries. His entire left side had road rash, along with his elbows and shoulders. Because there was gravel imbedded in the wounds, I told him he'd have to clean them out before I bandaged them up. He did not, under any circumstances, want me to pour peroxide on them. I managed to trick him, and he nearly cried- but I laughed. For some reason, when people get hurt, it's hilarious to me if they are not seriously injured. I can't help but giggle when I see someone fall. And, I do laugh when I fall, as well. Just so you know.

Does anyone else have this problem?

Name Of Girl [Here]

2010-01-24T15:14:00.000-08:00

I try to frequent my subscription blogs, but sometimes I get a little too busy and start neglecting them. Lately that's been the case, but I took the time to read one of them today. Tales From A Rejection Queen reminds me SO much of what happened to me when I was 21. She talks about her rejection letters mostly, as she continues to try to be accepted by an agent and eventually, like some of my readers and subscriptions, be published. I started reading her blog for the sole purpose of keeping my own hope alive, but her personal life is what really brings me to my blog today. We both have a love for musicians and it seems to be heartbreaking for both of us.

I dated my first musician in high school. He was a drummer, and the bad boy of our school. I didn't date him until after he had graduated, but everyone still knew who he was because he was in the hometown hero band. I was only a junior when we started dating, and we went on and off until fall of my senior year, when he began neglecting me for side projects I wasn't exactly into (read: sex, drugs, craziness). He cheated on me several times with girls he would meet at the bar during his gigs, and because I was naive, I let myself believe he wasn't. But I was no fool.

I reconnected with my old best guy friend from high school while on hiatus from that relationship. The best guy friend was, also, a musician. He played bass and had been in several bands throughout the years. He had just left his girlfriend of two years, and had always had a crush on me. However, I was pretty sure he was just looking for someone to help him get over the ex, and figured it would come and go fast. It lasted three years, then another year, on and off, until he also cheated on me. It wasn't a band groupie, but it may as well have been. Several months after the first time, he cheated on me again, and that was when I broke it off.

I don't know why this is, but there is something so charming and sexy about musicians, even when I know (we all should know) they are heartbreakers. They write songs about it, so they should know how it feels- but usually they are the ones doing most of the heartbreaking. After the ex-fiance and I finally split it off for good in 2006, I started back onto the dating scene (around the same time as Weird Underwear guy). The first person I manage to lay my hands in is, OF COURSE, a musician.

His name was Ben, and he was adorable. He was formally in a band with my past ex The Drummer, but was completely different. He married a girl he met in high school and just a year after separated from her. He moved four hours south (Ann Arbor), and began a new life. I happened to run into him on Memorial Day weekend, when everyone in our town seems to party. I hadn't seen him in years, and happened to be buying a case of beer at a local party store. Once the guy in front of me had finished paying I threw the case up on the counter. The guy stopped at the door, and turned around. I started walking past him, but he put his finger in the air and said, "I know you."

Indeed, he did know me. It was Ben. And he looked good (I would like to post pictures of these guys, to prove they are good-looking, but I feel that would be wrong lol).

"Oh, hey Ben! It's been a while! What are you doing up here?" Of course I"m smooth as butter around the musicians.

"Just up here visiting. I can't remember..."

"Nicolette. Or Juj, like everyone calls me." I knew my ex never called me Juj, but Ben's ex-wife did (did I mention we used to all hang out when I was dating the ex-fiance?).

"Yeah I knew it was something crazy," he said and smiled. My friends were watching from the car, and waited very impatiently for me to hurry it along. Ben and I wound up exchanging phone numbers, and once I got in the car, I got to hear it.

"Was that Ben?" my cousin yelled.

"He looks HOT!" Alison added.

I could just laugh. Oh yeah, it was Ben all right.

The weekend was busy for both of us, but come Monday we wound up getting together at a BBQ. We just sat around and talked, but it was fun. We had a good time, and decided to keep in touch. I would continually text him for the next couple months, and then finally actually drive to visit him.

Ben had a way with words. Like most musicians. I would wake up some mornings, and there would be some sweet, lyrical-like text from him waiting for me. "Nothing looks as beautiful as you do while you sleep." Of course, they only time he'd actually seen me sleep was when I stayed at his house with his ex and my ex, but- still, very very sweet and I got sucked in.

He convinced me, during a very terrible period for me, to drive down and visit him for a weekend, because he wanted to see me. He offered to pay for everything, and my friends told me I should do it. So I did. And it was really, really great. He took me out to eat everyday, brought me to a comedy club, introduced me to his friends, we watched the Michigan vs. Michigan State game (he's Michigan, I'm a State girl), we went to the bar, we shot pool, we watched movies. There wasn't a moment to spare. We got along so well, it was crazy. I knew it would end in disaster.

It didn't. I drove home, we still texted. However, he was seriously looking into recording with his band downstate, and of course, this left him hardly any spare time for a serious girlfriend. I wasns't heartbroken, but I was pretty let down. I let it go, and we eventually drifted apart. He would come up north to visit his family and always invited me along, because I was the "girl his mom loved". We went to the movies and baseball games, but it never became anything serious because, I thought that was what he wanted.

Turns out, he was waiting for me to say something. On Valentine's Day, of all days, I received two text messages- one from him, and the other from my ex (after nearly three months of not speaking). It was confusing. Ben had driven up north that weekend to visit, but had blown me off completely the entire time. He left me waiting for him to call, didn't return my voicemail, and then the text I got was from him, saying his phone had died earlier that day and he left his charger at home. Likely excuse.

We ended up getting into it over the phone, and I said he was rude not to call and let me know, because I sat around the entire weekend because he had told me he wanted to chill with me, but never called. He then told me, "I feel like you're not even interested in me so I didn't want to waste my time."

...I wasn't interested in him? When he was the one that blatantly said, "I don't want a girlfriend because I'm very busy being a musician"? Hold the phone! (Ha ha, 80's reference)

I told him I was interested him, but was giving him space because he said he didn't want a girlfriend. He told me he said that because he didn't want me to be clingy. WTF? In the end, that was it. Ben was great when he was around, but apparently double-talked and just wanted to see if he could get a girl to fall for him even if he was stand-offish and said he didn't want anything. It failed. I didn't "fall" for him, but I was pretty hurt. However, it made me ready for my next phase in life, and it turns out I would never want to date him, anyway. He is still a broody guitarist, writes poetry and lyrics and chain smokes. He still has the same ice blue eyes and the thick dark hair that makes any girl want to run their fingers through it.

But to me, he is just another guy. It wasn't the fact that he was a musician. It was the fact that he knew how to play the cards right. There are many, many men out there like this that have no talent to play a musical instrument whatsoever- but they can play the game, and that's all that matters to them, and to us in the end.

The good thing is- I don't think I'll ever want to date a musician again. That is, of course, unless he wants to take me on tour with him. I'll gladly meet all the other hot musicians he'll be on the road with.

Weird Underwear

2010-01-24T04:13:00.001-08:00

I went to bed about 3 hours ago. I turned on the TV per usual to wind down, then went on to paint my nails. I finished them, watched all of Catch Me If You Can, and proceeded to toss and turn. My head hurts and my stomach is killing me. The smell of BBQ chicken is still filling the apartment from dinner and it's making it worse. Why do I tell you all this when my topic is weird underwear?  I start to remember things when I can't sleep, and this story happens to be one of them.

In high school I hung out with a few close friends. One of them, Amber, happened to have another friend, Amy, that didn't quite like me (not sure why to this day, as we get along great now), but was with Amber and I a lot. We would often just drive around when we were bored, and on one occasion, we happened to go to Amy's sister's apartment. She lived with her boyfriend of the moment, and when we arrived, she was folding clothes.

We basically stood around in the living room and watched her very young son get into things he wasn't supposed to while she did laundry. Amber happened to mention how very not fond she was of the boyfriend, and so did Amy. The sister just rolled her eyes and continued to fold laundry, which was when the underwear came up.

"What are those?" Amber asked, point to a pair of blue leopard bikini briefs.

"Underwear," the sister said laughing. "Why?"

"I really hope they're yours," Amber replied.

"No, they're actually [boyfriend]'s," sister corrected.

I hadn't met the boyfriend then, but I almost died laughing. So did Amy and Amber. Blue leopard print bikini briefs for a supposedly straight guy? Excuse me if I insert the term LOL right here. It was only right we made sure a few (hundred) times that he really indeed was straight. I'd never met the dude but I was already second guessing, based on his underwear.

Several months later, I happened to meet the boyfriend. He was a paramedic and was driving the ambulance in the Fourth of July parade, and might I add that he was gorgeous. Of course, I was 16 at the time, so anything with bleach blonde tips in his hair and hazel eyes would catch my eye, but really, the boyfriend was very cute. As soon as I admitted it to Amber and Amy though, they were disgusted. They didn't think so because they didn't like him (I'm going to assume this is because they both basically grew up around him, and you know how siblings can hate on each other's flings, especially with an age difference involved). I still thought boyfriend was gorgeous.

Fast-foward several (6) years later. I'm at the bar, and I happen to be avoiding a stalker that I met a few nights before at a club. It was a very, very mean joke played on me by a sort of crush I had at the time, but somehow I ended up getting stalker at my apartment instead of my crush, and anyhow, stalker was now showing up everywhere I went, it seemed, and this night was no different. I was trying to hide behind friends, dodge between tables, run to the bathroom, anything, just to make sure he didn't see me. I failed at one point, at was nowhere near anyone to hide me.

I happened to be standing next to a crowd of people that seemed to know all my other friends, though, and one of them heard me when I said, "Oh, Christ, hide me." The guy turned around, and lo and behold, it was sister's boyfriend of past. He laughed and said, "From who?" And immediately put his arm around me.

This, I thought, was just soooo...weird. Several months before this had happened, he added me on MySpace, thinking I was someone he used to work with (the ironic part is, I was mistaken for her several times after high school, and not only that but- she was another good friend of mine for years). So when he recognized me finally at the bar, after stalker had disappeared, he made a comment about it. "Not Alison, but...Nicolette." Yes, I thought.  He remembered my name! He was still gorgeous as hell in my eyes, and six years of maturing for me had not changed it. Although he was obviously older, I didn't mind one bit. We spent the rest of the night talking with each other, and I wound up giving him my number.

At this moment in time, I wasn't thinking about his underwear. All of that totally slipped my mind as I gave this fine specimen my digits and crossed my fingers he called. I didn't have long to wait, because if my memory serves me correctly (and it usually does), he called that very night, and wanted to chill. We were both sober so I invited him back to my apartment at the time, which I shared with Amber (ironic, seeing as she never could stand him).

First thing that came out of her mouth when he came in was, "Fuck me." And she left the room. He laughed. I guess they didn't like each other. However, I didn't give a crap. He was here. To see me. And hang out. How incredibly cool.

The first few nights we hung out we did nothing. We watched TV, listened to music, drank a few beers. That was about it. I even remember him staying the night the first time and me saying, "I'm not sleeping with you." And he said, "I didn't plan on it." So innocent. Of course that all changed eventually, which brings me to the point of this late night/early morning blog.

The first night we actually, eh hem, got down to business, I laughed. I laughed.  He stripped off his pants, and there they were- the weird underwear from yonder years. They were still blue, except this time, they were silk. I'm sorry, but there is nothing sexy about a man wearing blue silk bikini briefs that could be mine (unless they really are mine).

Later after we had finished our fling, Amber and I had a girls' night in where we discussed this event. I had failed (purposely) to mention the underwear during the fling because I didn't want to get shit for it. Eventually it had to come out though.

"So, you know [boyfriend] right? Remember when we were hanging out?"

"Yeah. Terrible time for me. I didn't leave my room for a month." (Pretty much true, too.)

"Well, he still wears girl's underwear."

Amber wasn't surprised. However, she was shocked I still got into bed with him. The thing is-

It's not the weird underwear that matters. It's how we use what's under them that matters.

The New Year

2010-01-15T00:01:00.000-08:00

So far, I'm by far WAY happier than I have been in a while. I'm pretty sure this is due to the fact that I am no longer stressed about the holidays on top of regular life situations. We are still strapped for cash, but doing much better. I was able to actually get my laptop fixed, and I now have my own wireless router, which is great. I'm no longer stealing from someone else. :)

Still no job. I'm not stressing about this, either, because tax season is upon us- and I will get way more in return this year than I've ever gotten, because I had the max amount taken out for ten months last year. This means that we will have a home phone soon, and that will result in- phone calls from future employers! YAY! Let's all clap for this.

It's been a while since I've posted, but I've been busy- and by busy I mean addicted to another internet game. I have found that it has made me a much happier person, though. The game is called Fiesta, and it's an RPG (role-playing game) and you interact with other players. It has been great for me because I'm not so lonely in my down time anymore. I have met a lot of really nice people, and we play the game together, and it makes me feel better when I'm low. I am sort of thankful I found it.

SOOOO- for Christmas, I would like to tell you what I got. My mom sent Chris and I money, which was great because we paid the electric bill, bought a steak dinner, and that is how I also fixed my laptop. She also sent a box of goodies (candy, cookies, and raisins- don't ask, she's my mom). The box of goodies is gone already and my behind and hips are showing it, but that's okay. My dad and stepmom had a huge box wrapped up for us, and made us unwrap it together. It was super heavy, and I laughed hysterically when I opened it-

It was filled with mac-n-cheese, canned soups, packages of spaghetti, and other non-perishable. My stepmom also took time to get the bunnies something, and I was grateful for that because I wasn't able to get them anything. So they got a big bale of hay, bag of food, some salt licks, and chew toys. Hopefully that'll keep them from chewing on wires again (Beauty is the one that destroyed my wireless router before).

New Year's wasn't exciting. We visited a friend and then came home to chill out. I played my game and Chris played his. He's been sick on and off now with a cold, and really grumpy. I had to hit him with a frying pan earlier because he was so moody (just a joke, really- or not). He actually attempted to cook dinner, which was nice, but I had to fix his mistakes. Hehe. And now I am paying for it because I took a bite of the chicken before I checked it and he didn't cook it well enough. So...my stomach is killing me and I'm pretty sure I have food poisoning. The bathroom is now my domain until further notice, which is why I am posting this so late.

Anyway, I hope everyone had a great holiday season and enjoyed it. However, I'm thankful it is OVER and now I can look forward to my birthday in May (18, anyone? lol jk...OMG 25). Chris's is in June, and we're planning to go to Vegas if we move into a different apartment complex. He'll be the big 2-1. Woot woot. Finally legal. Hope everyone's day is marvelous, and I'll try my best to update and comment more often. No promises though, because seriously- Fiesta has come to consume my life.

100th Post + 1

2009-12-24T14:11:00.000-08:00

My 100th post was a sad one, so this one will be a happy one. It is Christmas Eve, and though I am sure this Christmas will not compare to any great ones in the past, I am thankful I will at least be spending it with my family and and wonderful boyfriend and will not be alone.

I forget to check my mail a lot because I get bills online and rarely get mail. So when I opened my mailbox today I was surprised to see two things: first, a note saying I had a package waiting in the office, and second, a big envelope.

The one waiting in the office was from my mom and family back in Michigan. She sent me cookies, candy, and some peanuts (she's funny). There was even a New Moon chocolate heart candy. It's weird how when we lived together she couldn't even tell anyone my favorite band but now, 2,000 miles away she knows what I enjoy. Especially since it's been a month since I've talked to her. Anyhow, she sent me a Snoopy stuffed animal (her usual theme, Peanuts characters), and a card with spare five's and a check. It will go towards paying electricity and also, a treat to myself (a new stick of RAM for my laptop). I'm thankful for the fact she sent me anything, because she is also going through a hard time, because my brother and his wife have three kids and neither has a job, so she is helping them out. I was unable to send anyone gifts, due to my financial struggles currently (also some news with that!), but I sent cards out filled with my love.

Now, the second thing was a large orange envelope. My boyfriend says, "Oh, what is this?" And pulls it out. At first, I thought it was from another college or my grandma. Then I turned it over and saw that it was neither, but a stranger I have just met. I nearly burst into tears. Chris asked, "Are you going to cry?" And I laughed and said probably.

This envelope was filled with candy and a card, and some AWESOME smelling lotion (how'd you know that's my favorite??). I read the card and started crying because of the thoughtfulness that went into. Even right now I am trying not to cry. I showed Chris and he was like, "Wow." He couldn't believe it, either. What started as a promise to exchange homemade Christmas cards (neither ended up being- I was lacking the supplies because I can't afford my usual assortment :( ), turned into something much, much more. And to think, it's all because of this blog.

Her name is Dawn, and I met her on here. She has been nothing but supportive (along with MANY of you), and is quite a sweetheart. She offered to help me a little bit, which I graciously declined because...well, I have a hard time accepting things from strangers and also because I'm sort of embarrassed. However, she sent a gift anyway, and it meant the world to me. Chris was more in shock than I was, it was sort of funny. He opened up the lotion bottle and said, "That smells good." It was hilarious.

Anyhow, thank you SOOOOO much, Dawn- you alone made my Christmas bright.

This shows that the kindness of strangers alone can sometimes be enough to make your outlook change, even if it is just a card and some taffy.

The Holidays and the Economy

2009-12-16T22:41:00.000-08:00

I read an article a few months back about how the rate of vandalism, shoplifting, and breaking and entering have gone up drastically because of the economy. I don't know the exact statistics, but I can say that it was an enormous jump in percentage from early 2008. I was in shock, and glad to be able to say I hadn't had anything stolen, nor has my apartment been broken into. I could only imagine being in the situation where my most expensive possessions were stolen.

This past week I've been talking to my dad a lot (as I told my readers in previous blogs, he and my stepmom filed for bankruptcy and are now broke). He was in the hospital for a week again for heart complications. He had open heart surgery in spring and has been recovering from it, and was out of work for a while. He just started his new job, and both of them have been struggling to keep bills at bay, just as a lot of us have. I have had one thing after another happen to me lately (my laptop needs a new stick of RAM and hard drive now), and I'm still in a financial funk. I care about and love my dad dearly, but he hasn't been the most supportive parent in my life. We aren't all the close, although I do get along with him better than my mom. I think it comes from the fact that I don't tell him anything about my life.

But yesterday he messaged me on Facebook, to tell me that their house was broken into and most of their valuable things were stolen, including the 64" flatscreen they just bought in October for my step mom's birthday and early Christmas present for themselves. The stole my step mom's antique china set that was passed down to her from her grandmother, both of their hand guns, all of her jewelry (over $2000 worth) and some of my dad's music equipment. From what my dad said, his digital video recorder bag was left open on the kitchen table, with his guitars and a laptop. What saved these items? Their umbrella cockatoo Kirby, who has a bad habit of being very, very loud. They think he started screaming, and they bolted out of there when he wouldn't shut up. The reason they think this is because a bunch of shredded napkins were found in the bottom of his cage. They suspect the intruders attempted to shut the bird up by giving him something to chew on. Unfortunately for them, Kirby probably tried to attack them through the cage and continued to squawk very loudly (they've had complaints from past neighbors- worse than yipping dogs).

I just cannot believe this happened. When I was in high school my mother's van was stolen out of her driveway. My grandma had her safe stolen a few years ago. And now this. Why around Christmas? Why do people do this? I understand being desperate, believe me. But seriously, taking innocent people's possessions because you are selfish and don't know how to work for it? Ugh. I'm disgusted.

This is one more reason the economy needs to be fixed before anything. I feel for all of those that have had things stolen from them.

Deck The Halls

2009-12-09T00:17:00.000-08:00

The great debate- colored or white Christmas lights? Or do you prefer the blue ones? I'm torn as well. So I would choose the Charlie Brown Christmas tree. Solves my problem.

And what about your house? I haven't owned a house I could decorate yet, but I know that my mom doesn't do the outside, just the inside. I love lights on houses, but personally, I just wouldn't have the time or patience to staple up THAT many lights. I'd probably just do a few bushes out front.

This isn't the exact copy of what I have. I don't own the "Little Drummer Boy", nor "Frosty the Snowman", but either way, you can bet my DVD player is decked with these classics from Thanksgiving until New Year's. And sometimes inbetween, if I'm feeling a little weird. Which I do a lot of the time.

I was going to insert a picture of a male stripper dressed in Santa attire, but none of the pictures I found seemed appropriate. So instead, I'm moving onto my Greatest Wish List.

The Samsung Memoir. Doesn't it look BEAUTIFUL??? I think this is my greatest wish, because it takes care of the digital camera AND phone part of my needs. Score!

A scrapbooking kit of some sort. I had to leave most of my supplies in Michigan back in '07, and still haven't built up my collection like I had back there. All of my tools and papers and neat stickers were left behind. I don't want to spend money on a whole new set, but at the same time- I MISS SCRAPBOOKING!

I don't know if this is going to happen anytime soon, but I thought it would be cute to post. :) Cooper and Beauty have been asking for a little brother or sister...

Don't laugh. You may think this is funny, but it isn't. I'm serious. I want some NICE silverware. I have cheap stuff right now and I hate how it feels in my mouth. Ugh. I don't know why, it just does. Some new dishes would be great to go along with it.

There are about a million other things I could put on my Greatest Wish List right now, as well. I'm sure everyone feels the same way. But what I really, really want, more than ANYTHING-

Is to have a good holiday season with no fighting, great food, and have it end up being relatively stress-free. Oh, and of course- a Christmas tree. :)

Nanny Diaries

2009-12-08T13:09:00.000-08:00

Back in the day (I was 13, I believe), I thought I was so cool because I was able to watch kids and make money. Kids like me, for some reason I don't understand. I've never wanted to have kids of my own, and most of the time, I am highly annoyed by crying and whining. When I was younger though, I found it fabulous that my weekends were spent babysitting.

And then it all changed. The town I lived in was having a severe economic crisis to the point where bussing had actually been taken out of the picture. No longer were we riding buses to school. Families were moving away from town just so the kids would have a ride to school. This didn't apply to me, because my mom didn't work and was able to drive us. The rest of the town, however, was in a sticky situation. Parents were having to take on weekend jobs, but didn't have the money to pay for babysitters. That is when with a friend and her mother, the Baby-Sitters Club was formed. (This isn't a joke, so don't laugh.)

The 4-H Committee of our county granted us the opportunity to present them with our idea. We had to create poster boards and outlines and speeches to portray how we would help the community by being babysitters and nannies- for free. All we asked is that they help us go to camp every summer we completed more than so many hours of service. 4-H Camp was the coolest thing back then, because we got to go to a college campus four hours away (Michigan State University) and hang out with new people and flirt with all the guys on campus. Forget that we were 13 and most guys were not interested in girls then. So, we formed our plan, and it was approved. We were given enough funds to create several Fun Totes (filled with dolls, blocks, paper, crayons, markers, etc.), and told that at the end of the school year, if we had accumulated so many hours, they would help send us to camp. And it began.

Every weekend, we met up at the 4-H offices and used their phone to call parents in desperate need of help. Sometimes we had to even work after school, walking in several feet of snow in below 0 weather to get to the houses (that is not an exaggeration like your parents might tell, this is TRUE). We watched angels and devils alike. I remember one kid in particular that was obsessed with Tele Tubbies. He was crazy, I swear. His parents claimed he was potty-trained and that he only wore Pull-Ups to bed. Lies. We watched him for 6 hours during on a snow day, and that kid did not use the bathroom once. Instead, he chose to go in his pants, and then hide them somewhere. I found several pairs of filled underwear in pants that day.

Another little girl cried if you tried to talk to her. Her parents said she was a little shy, but it seemed like every time my friend or I tried to ask her a question she'd bust out in tears and cry for mommy and daddy. We were at a loss for words, and ended up calling the parents several times during a three hour night. They were having dinner at a friend's house, and I know they were upset. However, there was nothing we could do. The poor girl could not stop crying. It was to the point where she was actually choking. Mind you, my friend and I are only 13 years old and only have so much experience with kids. My youngest brother was only three at the time, so I had some experience, but I had no idea what to do in that crisis.

Unlike in the movie The Nanny Diaries, most of the parents were glad just to have someone to watch the kids. They didn't care what we did, as long as their kids were alive when they got home. I will admit that during naptimes, I was bound to be on the phone with my friends. What else was I supposed to do? This was back in the times when hardly anyone had cable and satellite was a real luxury for most. I could only watch Toy Story and Pocahontas so many times because I was pulling my hair out. This was also when Barney was still around, for the most part, so I learned a lot from him (when you hug blue and red it makes purple...go figure).

I haven't babysat much since those days. We finished out our first year of duty, went to our first summer at camp, and it was terrible. It was the year of tornadoes in Michigan, and go figure, three dropped down right in the middle of campus while we were there. We were forced to spend hours outside in the sun, which isn't all that pleasant in Michigan, believe me. One girl actually died from heat stroke, which scared us all. The last three days were spent in different buildings around campus. To say the least, babysitting was the most fun of the two experiences.

Because of my current situation, though, I've decided to try to take it up again. I've posted a couple of ads for nanny/housekeeping jobs, and I got my first reply this morning in an email. I feel terrible that I don't have a phone for people to call, but I don't have a choice right now. So, a lady emailed me and asked me to call her for details, so I'm forced to gather change to run down the street to use a payphone. How fun! She is actually on maternity leave right now, and isn't due until February. She needs help around the house, though, and with running errands, so it'll actually be a good thing. At least I'll have time to adjust to her before I actually have to help with a baby. Some people are weird about strangers handling their newborns and infants. I'm a little nervous, but, I figure if I could do it when I was 13, I can do it now.

Let's all cross our fingers that she's not as nuts as the mom in The Nanny Diaries, though.

**EDIT**

I just received an email from the lady I had the interview with, and she lives in Surprise, which is way too far for me to travel. Plus the bus doesn't go out there. So, back to square one. See what I get for having my hopes up? Sigh.

Oh, My Life Is So Tragic!

2009-12-07T23:08:00.000-08:00

I have a friend. (Boy, a lot of my posts start out like that, huh?) My friend S is 27, and she thinks her life is awful. I know I'm not very far into this blog, but already I feel like I have to insert something bad that happened today.

I was watching Gossip Girl (Lord, forgive me), and I heard this consistent drip, drip, drip for about five minutes, and couldn't figure out where it was coming from. Then it dawned on me: it's raining outside, and we have a leak. Found the leak- right over top of a couple computer monitors we have acquired (Chris is an electronic hoarder, I swear). I was so mad. I couldn't believe it. We live on the bottom floor of our building, so where a leak is coming from, Lord only knows, but yes, we have a leak. Go figure maintenance can only fix it once it's dry, and for the first time since before summer, Phoenix has a week of rain ahead of us. NICE!

So, I have this friend, and she constantly says how crappy her life is. This all started because her boyfriend of ten years broke up with her earlier this year in April, and they have agreed it is over for good this time. He is addicted to meth and heroin, and she made the decision that he is not worth the pain and suffering he caused her for five of the years they were together.

This is a terrible thing to happen to someone. I can't imagine being with someone that long, only to have to leave him because he has a drug problem, and not because I don't love him anymore. It has to be hard on her. In fact, I know it is hard on her, because she never fails to let me know that every time we hang out, which has sadly not been often for a while now, because I just don't have the patience to sit through another two hour conversation about how shitty her life is. I feel like I'm being a bad friend when I discuss these things, but tonight was a revelation of sorts, and I no longer feel bad.

S's best friend is D. They have been best friends since they were in middle school. That's a pretty long stretch to be friends for, especially for women. They have shared a lot of memories, good and bad. D has hung out with us a few times, this past weekend being the most recent. Chris and I joined S and D for drinks at our friend Scott's house, and usually we have a lot of fun. I was just not up for it. You see, S was in a wedding on Saturday, so she had a lot to say. I basically kept my mouth shut the entire time, just because I knew there would be no point in trying to speak.

She constantly interrupts everyone. For every bad thing that has happened to someone, she has two even more terrible stories that happened to her. Even though I have no food in the fridge and am basically living like a hermit because I am so poor and refuse to get out of PJs unless I have to, only to save on laundry detergent, her life is way worse. S lives with her parents. She doesn't pay rent, and never has. She pays for her car and that is it. She spends money like it's growing on trees. Usually when she comes over she has a bag of leftovers from whatever restaurant she ate at. She is rarely home. When Scott and S started dating, her mom became worried because S seemed to be getting overly attached quickly.

S, her mom, and Scott all work together in the same office. Her mom got a little too involved out of worry and told Scott he better not break her heart. We all knew that S was becoming attached and falling for him, but he made it clear that he is moving to Seattle in spring, and he is going alone. He is a really nice guy, but he knows S is in no state to be getting in a relationship. I guess he finally had had enough with her mom badgering him at work, and he called off their casual dating completely. S was devastated. She came over to hang out (after nearly two months of seing her twice), and immediately started crying. Not over Scott- but over the ex-boyfriend.

Her other complaint has been about her friend Courtney getting married, and involving a girl that had cheated with her ex, or something, like six years ago. I guess S hates this girl, and Courtney knows this, yet still invited her to her wedding. Courtney is still friends with her, but S can't understand why she would want to be friends with someone that hurt her so badly. She doesn't get it. I've had this happen to me before, so I understand where she is coming from. But it was six years ago, and eventually, you have to move on. It seemed unreasonable for her to try to make her friend's wedding all about herself. She is constantly repeating herself about how good of a friend she is to everyone, but everyone treats her like shit and takes advantage of her. ...Notice how I mentioned above she always interrupts people and disappears off the radar for months at a time.

Other than her heartbreak, she seems to have a pretty good life. She makes good money at work, she drives a nice car, she has a supportive and loving family (I used to spend every Saturday with them all because Chris playing softball on a league with them), and she has really great friends, D being one of them. Except, D doesn't feel that way anymore, even after 15 years of friendship. She opened up to me tonight via Facebook. She asked what I was up to, and I told her, "Nada, just at home alone. Chris went with S over to Scott's house." I guess it was the wrong thing to say. S apparently told D that she didn't feel like doing anything so she was just going home- then picked Chris up from work and then went to Scott's. D was pissed. I didn't know I wasn't supposed to say anything, so of course I didn't feel bad. But then I got to hear D's side of how S has been acting, and I just felt like calling up S and giving her a piece of my mind right then and there. D is really hurt, and told me how she feels like she is only friends with S when it is convenient for S. And that is exactly how it is. S started hanging out with Scott again right after I got back from Colorado, and she has been over once. She hasn't been in our new apartment at all, and actually used the excuse that she didn't know where it was- it is, honestly, right across from our old apartment, in the same complex, no joke. So, I know exactly what D means, and I feel terrible for her.

How can a person rant and rave repeatedly about how shitty their life is, how crappy their friends are, yet, feel no grief about lying to a friend? S is a nice person. She is very giving when she wants to be. She isn't a good listener at all, though. I know her whole life story. I could tell it right now. But I bet she doesn't even remember my last name, no joke. She was actually complaining about how she didn't want to spend Thanksgiving in Snowflake (which is up north, I guess) because her mom was going there. I wanted to strangle her, because I would kill to spend Thanksgiving with my mom, even though she is nuts. Probably moreso than hers. How can she constantly complain about how awful she has it, yet act so ungrateful for what she does have? At 27, I figure it's normal nowadays to have a fall back and crash with the parents. I figure everyone has it hard, once in a while, and needs a little help. But apparently, this has been an ongoing thing her whole life, and she expects thing to be handed to her, or at least come easily. It sort of makes me nauseous.

'Tis the season. I may end all of my posts like that until after New Year's. I must say, though- I have enjoyed my Christmas classics movies, my Christmas music, and the Christmas lights and decorations on the houses down the street. The few simple things I love about the holidays are mine, at least. Now if only I could teach a lesson to the ungrateful people I know.

Give Me The Strength

2009-12-04T20:46:00.000-08:00

I get the blues badly around this time of year. This week has only been the start, but today was especially hard. I'm still searching for a job- but that is hard to do when you have no phone to be reached on. Yes, my phone got shut off. Next is the cable. After that, I'm not sure- but I know we were short on rent about fifty bucks and have 12 dollars in the bank until next Friday- when we have to pay the electric bill and somehow buy food as well. I may sound ungrateful for a moment here, but I am merely venting.

I've rarely asked my parents for help. Literally. I moved out basically when I was a senior and since then, have struggled on my own. The things I can say my parents have helped me with I can count on one hand. My dad bought me my first car, as a graduation gift, but after that, I was on my own. A couple weeks ago, I broke down and called my mom in Michigan, to tell her everything. She has consistently helped my brother out of tight spots since he was 16, and has never held it against him. That has continued after the many things he has put her through- failing out of college, losing a scholarship, putting my mom in thousands of dollars of debt because he just wanted to party, getting into legal trouble- the list is never-ending. Now that he is 23, married, with three kids, I would think he'd have his shit together. His newest addition is merely two months old. But my mom continues to help him out constantly. I understand, because there are kids involved. I would never hold that against them.

However- she offered to help me out. We are struggling badly now, and it's getting worse. Chris's place of work decided to tell him they can't pay him for vacation until after New Year's- which he has been asking for since October. Not only that but their sale pay scale has changed dramatically, and he is getting screwed royally. After all the moving and bus riding and everything I did when we were going through hard times, I have zero money. Nothing. That is why my phone got shut off. My mom said it wouldn't be much but she would send 40 bucks or so. That is more than enough because, really, we just need food. We are down to a tub of butter, three eggs, a frozen turkey, one corn dog, and a bunch of condiments. That isn't a joke. That is seriously what we have in the fridge. I have one bag of spaghetti noodles left, no canned foods, nothing. That is how bad the last month has been.

I think I've mentioned before (and not exactly proudly) that I'm on food assistance. They cut my amount down to $100 a month, and even with all my food budgeting and planning, I cannot make it last longer than two weeks. So the last two weeks of the cycle we are always starving. My sister-in-law messaged me and told me my mom had sent out the package on Monday, so today was the day I figured I'd get it. And I did. This is where my slightly ungrateful attitude comes in.

She sent a box to me, full of stuff. It cost her her a little more than 13 bucks to send it, and the things she sent were pretty helpful- shampoo, toothpaste, deodorant (I joked about how my last stick was about gone and I might smell bad for a while). That was awesome because we know that stuff can get expensive. However, we have all of that right now. What we really needed is a little bit of money to get food. She instead sent two bags of flavored rice, two Ziploc baggies full of cookies, a packet of guacamole mix, and cake mix and frosting. I'm not sure what she was thinking. I appreciate the thought, I REALLY, REALLY do (forgive me Jesus for sounding like a selfish brat), but with the 13 bucks she spent on the shipping, plus the cost of the bathroom items and food she sent...I could have planned a few dishes that would have lasted us longer than one night. I was also really hurt that she didn't even send a letter with it. It seemed as if she sent it, thinking, "Here, this is me helping," only to get me to stop complaining.

So, because we don't have phones, and making a long distance call from a payphone is not an option (12 bucks for the week, remember, but that is all bus money for Chris to get to work), I can't even get a hold of her and see if there is something wrong. It worries me.

Then my sister-in-law tells me, "Your mom has been helping us a lot lately with diapers and baby stuff because we are still unemployed." All I can think is, they have cars. They have phones. They have cable. But they can't afford diapers? Maybe I am thinking too harshly because I don't have kids. I know they are expensive. I KNOW. But they have their ENTIRE FAMILIES THERE TO HELP. They don't pay for daycare (my mom watches my brothers two kids and her mom watches her first daughter from a previous relationship), they don't pay rent (they only pay utilities), and they still beg my mom for money. Yet she can't help me out for the first time since I was 17.

I know, I am an adult, and I shouldn't even be talking like this. It could be worse. I could be homeless. I could be living in a shopping cart. I'm already stealing (internet, that is). We are eating one meal a day, or just snacking on something small (I had a corn dog earlier), we stay in a lot, wear the same jeans at least three times before washing them (to save on water and detergent), and it's just- HARD!

Not to mention, I visited my dad for Thanksgiving and they are in a bad situation, too. They had to file for bankruptcy after he lost his business. So I don't even have him for moral support because he tells me, "Suck it up, you're an adult and we all have hardships right now." This is after he brags about the 52" flatscreen he just bought for his living room, and new furniture (when their old furniture wasn't even five years old, and he didn't offer to let us have it). I'm very, very stressed and pissed off and depressed at the moment. I didn't even get dressed or shower today. Ugh.

Anyhow, if you read this, I'm sorry I brought you down. Just venting, I suppose. I'm crossing my fingers that this next week is better, and that I at least get some form of Christmas decorations, because I'm out of construction paper and only made a wreath and a few bells.

What a wonderful season.

Holiday Breather

2009-12-03T11:26:00.000-08:00

I've been doing a "Worst Blind Date" theme this week, just for kicks. I should have just made it worst date, because I've had a number of plain terrible dates that weren't so "blind" as well. Today I'm taking a break, though, because I have developed a cold and my brain is a little fuzzy. So instead, I'm making out my Christmas list. Feel free to comment with what you want for Christmas!

Things I Want For Christmas

1. Rent paid for on time. :)
2. My driver's license back! Wouldn't that be so nice?
3. In the event I got my driver's license back, a job to go along with it would be great.
4. A little inside doggy pen for my rabbits, so they wouldn't be in a small cage at night.
5. Several pairs of new underwear. I know I'm long overdue on this.
6. Just a tiny bit of snow in Phoenix? :D lol.
7. Another rabbit. Just for shits and giggles.
8. A new weight loss plan that WORKS. Ugh.
9. New cell phone- preferably the Samsung Memoir.
10. If I can't have any of the above, I will take a nice big dinner with my family with food that is so delicious I can't stop eating it (and also doesn't add to my weight any).

Happy Holidays! I'm going to spend the day watching yet another marathon of Christmas movies, and making my own Christmas decorations since I can't afford any this year.

Maybe If I Were A Ditz

2009-12-02T15:59:00.000-08:00

What's worse than a blind date you have absolutely nothing in common with and is not exactly what you would call...hot? A blind date that you have absolutely nothing in common with but IS hot- but then goes after your cousin while still on a date with you.

Last spring, I met a guy on MySpace. I know, I know- silly me! But he messaged me, and said he thought my profile was funny and that I had a cute pic (it was me, jumping on a trampoline in pjs). I thought it was nice that a guy actually read my profile for once and didn't just message me because he saw my "sexy" profile pictures. We ended up having an all night message-fest, and at the end of the night, he told me he didn't usually give out his number to strangers online (yeah, right) but if I wanted to give him a call sometime, I wouldn't mind.

The next few days we just messaged each other, and I told him that I wasn't sure I would call him (I'm sort of shy on the phone), but gave him my number in case he wanted to call. One day after work, he did call, and we had a GREAT conversation. We talked about a lot of things we did have in common, and laughed a lot. I think one of our phones died, and he ended up texting me saying it was probably a good thing it did die because otherwise he would have stayed on the phone all night. He told me it was the best conversation he'd had with a girl in a long time, and I was sort of flattered. Let me mention- in his pictures, he was REALLY cute.

So, after another few days of talking, he finally asked if I would like to have dinner sometime. I said I'd love to, and we made plans to meet at Applebee's. I was really nervous but excited, and by the time I got there I was nervous as hell. I arrived first- I consider it a good thing because I really needed a drink to calm myself. I ordered a beer and waited patiently. He called and said he was running a little behind but he was still coming. Then, he arrived. I swear when he walked through the restaurant, every woman in the place turned to watch him walk by. Yes, he was gorgeous. I couldn't believe my luck- FINALLY, a great looking guy that has a good personality and is interested in me for more than just my looks! Score!

We had a great time at dinner. He insisted on paying for everything (always a plus in my book), and after we were finished eating, he asked if I wanted to go see a movie. I made a quick trip to the bathroom, and texted my cousin Leah in Michigan to tell her. She said it was a good thing, because he wanted to prolong the date. Duh. So we went to the movies. There was crap playing, but we watched The Bucket List and basically talked the entire time.

At the end of the night, he gave me a kiss goodnight- it wasn't slobbery or weird- and it was very innocent. I was very, very happy with how it went, to say the least. He was a complete gentleman, and said he would call me soon. I wasn't sure what it meant, but figured, hey, I got one good night, and I was happy with that. I mean, come on- after several terrible blind dates before that, I had to call it successful, even if it was just one night.

Then, he asked to hang out again. At his place. And I wanted to. So I did. We watched a Phoenix Suns game and had a few beers, and that is when my second cousin comes into play. I knew what she was like, and I shouldn't have brought her in at all, but I did. And it all came crashing down after that. Turns out, they knew each other. The guy recognized my cousin from somewhere, and then she realized where she knew him from. Rehab. Perfect, right? Yes, they were both in rehab together. He used to be addicted to heroin, something I'm sure would have come up eventually, but hadn't yet. I was completely in shock at that point.

At some point, he decided to look for my cousin's picture on MySpace, and found her in my pictures. My cousin is really pretty, and skinny, and she's a ditz- something that guys are weak for, I suppose. They started talking on MySpace and eventually, she got involved with it all. She told him I was bipolar and had a lot of emotional issues (correct- I am bipolar, but it is UNDER CONTROL AND HAS BEEN), and scared him off. He then said he just wanted to be my friend. He invited me out to go putt-putt golfing, and my conniving cousin asked to join us, if it was just a friend thing. I let her. It was the worst night I had had in Phoenix. He flirted with her the entire time, and she acted like such a moron I found myself rolling my eyes and laughing at her most of the time. He didn't seem to care. He showed her how to hold a club- we all know that drill- and I was sick most of the night. I told him to drop me off first, and that was basically the end of it.

I learned that night that guys are mostly idiots and don't really think with their brains. The worst part was, I wasn't even the one persuing him- he pursued me. Ugh. Can you top that crappy date?

"...But I Saw His High School Picture!"

2009-12-01T13:58:00.000-08:00

Early 2006. I'm 20 years old, just moved back from Ohio from a brief 3-month fling with a guy that had commitment problems (only to tell me AFTER I moved my life down there). I was, again, on the rebound. It was also about the time I decided to take a hiatus from commitment myself, and to just have fun. Meaning, get drunk a lot and forget that in the last six months I had been engaged, cheated on, moved 700 miles to another state, dumped again, and back to jumping from couch to couch for a while.

My cousin Leah met a guy through some friends of ours. A bunch of us went to a house party and our friends Jenna and Ashley said, "Hey, you should meet up with Jay, he's really cool." I thought it was a terrible idea. They told her he was punk rock just like her (I laugh hysterically when I read that because if anything, my cousin is the complete opposite of punk rock- she just liked to be a poser back then). In reality, he was exactly like me. That's another story, though. We planned out where to meet Jay so we could all hang out. We should have known better as soon as he said "Meet me at the gas station."

Once we were all back at the house party, we all chilled and drank a lot of beer and it was a good time. I found Jay to be a complete narcissist, and an asshole, to be honest. He had absolutely nothing in common with my cousin. I hate to say he was anything like me either, at that point, but we had a lot of the same interests, which was sad. He blew off my cousin, who was directing her undivided attention at him, mainly because he was good-looking. He was funny at times, but that was it. I sat on a couch drinking my beer alone for most of the night, and Jay took the opportunity to sit next to me. He was flirting with me, but because I had no interest, it became a game to him. I spent the rest of the time trying to avoid him or push him to my cousin.

I told my cousin the next day I didn't find him to be all that great and said she could do better, but she didn't care. She decided to try to go for it with him. And he went with it. That was when the blind date came in. Jay had a friend, Corey, who hadn't a relationship (with a girl) in quite a while, and he thought we would hit it off. In the best interest of my cousin, I should have said "No." She was so excited that he asked her to go hang out that I couldn't let her down, though. So I gave in. Corey called me, and like I guessed- we had nothing in common. He was into politics. Liked science. LISTENED TO COUNTRY! That should say it all.

Leah told me, "I saw his high school picture, and he looks really cute. Maybe he's just a geek at heart." Right. Her idea of cute and my idea of cute are on completely different spectrums altogether, but I went. We were supposed to meet them at the Pizza Hut a town over from us. Pizza Hut? Are you kidding? Are we in high school? I didn't complain. At least I wasn't paying. We arrived. And had to wait for the guys. And wait. And wait. We waited for almost an hour. They were late. Finally, they arrived. And guess what? Corey. Was. Not. Cute.

We ordered. I was less than thrilled. Leah hardly spoke at all, and neither did Corey. Jay and I were the ones keeping the conversation going. Corey wanted to talk about some show he watched on TV (The Colbert Report, to be correct- sorry if you're a fan, but I am not). Jay and I talked about music. Leah kept her mouth shut. At some point we all left, and Corey said we could all hang out at his house because his parents were gone. You live with your parents? I guess I shouldn't have been surprised. But yes, he lived with his parents, in their basement, of all places. Oh boy.

We went back to his house, and after a few beers were in me, I was able to completely forget I was supposed to be on a date with this dud. I know I intimidated him. I have a personality that sometimes overwhelms people, especially shy beings. He had no interest after that to talk much at all. Jay brought out his guitar and played us some songs, then taught me a song. "Photograph" by Nickelback. He was so surprised I could play the guitar he wanted to keep teaching me new songs, totally leaving my cousin in the cold, and Corey, too.

So the end of the night comes, and we are too drunk to drive, so they tell us we can stay there. There are two couches in the basement, and then Corey's bed on the other side of a wall. Leah actually had the NERVE to suggest I go sleep with Corey, and she and Jay could sleep on the pull-out couch. I didn't do it. I didn't want to put a damper on her night (even though I'm pretty sure Jay had absolutely no interest at that point), but I wasn't going to sleep next to some dude I didn't know nor even really like just so she could be heartbroken the next day when Jay told her he didn't see her like that, AFTER fooling around. I promptly fell asleep on the couch across from them.

Corey and I didn't speak again. He told Jay that he didn't find me that interesting. Jay said I was a riot. ...It was the last time we all hung out. Leah wound up heartbroken when Jay told her a couple weeks later, "You just aren't my type." And that was the second blind date I went on. At least that one didn't end with a slobbery kiss.

The "Not Quite Honest" Blind Date

2009-11-30T18:29:00.000-08:00

It was my junior year of high school. I was single and enjoying it, because I'd spent almost three years in a relationship with guys that treated me terribly. My two best friends at the time agreed I should try to meet new people. So I did. I don't remember how, but I know it was through a friend of a friend of a future boyfriend's bandmate's girlfriend. Is that confusing enough for you?

His name was Kenny. Kenny and his friend Rod were both 19, lived in the city 30 minutes from me, and asked if I wanted to go out to dinner and watch a movie with them. I agreed, as long as my best girl friend at the time, Sami, could go. You know, for safety's sake (or just because if he was ugly, she could block the goodnight kiss scene). I saw one picture on Kenny, and as far as I could tell, he wasn't bad looking at all, and he seemed pretty sweet. ...Believe me, it was far from the truth.

Sami and I had him pick us up from her mom's house. I was afraid of my own mother's reaction and Sami's mom was always like a second mom to me, except cooler. She wouldn't embarrass me like my own mother would. I stayed in the upstairs bathroom, getting ready and trying not to throw up, until the doorbell rang. I made Sami answer it. She came upstairs to get me, and the look on her face told me everything.

Kenny didn't look anything like the picture I saw. He was about four feet tall and had a shaved head, something I couldn't stand at the time. He wore big glasses and was the billboard picture of nerdy. I couldn't believe it. How did I get talked into this?!

I didn't want to go, but couldn't be rude, so I went anyway. We met up with his friend Rod at the mall. Guess what? The picture I had been sent was of him. And he was completely gorgeous. It was totally unfair. I didn't want to have to spend one minute sitting next to poor Kenny (who wasn't a bad guy, I was just shallow) by myself, whether in a theater or at his house, so we hung around the mall. At one point, Sami and I were in the FYE store, and a few of our friends from another school were there, making us laugh so hard I almost wet myself. I had to run to the bathroom, where she followed me. The terrible thing was, the reason we were laughing so hard was because they were making fun of my date. I know, stupid high school girls.

At the end of the night, I made a comment about the picture before we left the mall, and Rod laughed. It had been him the whole time that I was talking to, and he was just a complete asshole. He didn't plan for us to actually go through with the date. My friend Mindy, who lived next door to him and was the one to set us up, apologized later for it.

It started getting nasty out because of a snow storm, and Sami begged to be dropped off first. I was so, so mad at her for it, because I didn't want to be alone with him at all, let alone when we had to go half the speed limit because of the storm. The whole ride back to my house Kenny kept trying to hold my hand. I couldn't help being weirded out. Then- the worst happened.

Once we were in my driveway, he offered to walk me to the door, and I turned him down, saying my parents were probably in bed and I didn't want them to wake up. He insisted, and followed me. Across the yard. To the stairs. Up the stairs. To my door. And it was there, that I had the worst kiss of my life.

At this point, I'd kissed a handful of guys. None had compared to the nastiness of this one. It was slobbery, and wet, and seriously, the term 'tonsil hockey' was exactly appropriate for what he was doing. I swear he really wanted to shove his tongue down my throat. I almost cried when I finally ran inside, slamming the door on him. ...It doesn't end there.

He was so sure our date went great that he called me all the next day. About a hundred times. I told him it was my little brother's birthday (never mind that my brother's birthday is in April and it is now February) and we were going bowling. He had the nerve to ask to join us. I said no. Then promptly told everyone in my house that if "Kenny" called, they were not to tell him I was home. I forgot to mention Rod, and soon enough, Rod was calling, laughing hysterically. I just kept hanging up.

I should have learned from my first experience, but I didn't. I went on several blind dates after that, and let me warn you, none of them were good. From that point forward, I was jinxed. Hope you're ready to read more this week!

Thoughts of the Day

2009-11-30T13:16:00.000-08:00

I was having flashbacks the other day about my blind date experiences when I first moved here. I don't know what brought them on, but on in particular came to mind. I went to a concert and the guy was supposed to meet up with me at the show, but never showed up. So I wound up watching The Used alone, which didn't bother me too much, because a few other guys bought me drinks. However afterwards, I almost got stranded because I had no ride home. The guy showed up though, and I was stupid enough to take a ride home. He dropped me off and apologized profusely about his meetings running late (slightly believable because he was in a suit), but I just shrugged. I told him I had to work early so I couldn't stay out any later, but said we could hang out some other time. He texted me a couple days later, and asked if he could just pick me up and we could go to the park or something to chill. Then it progressed to hinting at getting it on because it had been so long. ...Um, no, sorry. After I said I didn't think so, he decided to be a complete immature moron and say that he didn't like "thick" girls, anyway, and that I was fugly. OKAY! LMAO. ...Anyhow. Onto better things.

We moved this past weekend into our new, smaller apartment. It was interesting. I prefer the smaller one because the kitchen is HUGE- but I don't have the spare bedroom to put all of my crap in, so I have no idea what I'm going to do with all of my books. Chris told me to go to a resale shop, but I told him, "NO!" My books are like my babies. I did give away about half of my paperbacks last fall, and I thought that was enough. However, Chris was pissed yesterday because when he moved one of the boxes, the bottom completely fell out and most of my paperbacks came flooding out. ...Oops.

But- I HAVE MY WIRELESS BACK!! :) I'm so excited. It's so much better using my own computer to write blogs, from the comfort of my couch, or bed, or kitchen counter. :-P

This was just a quickie update, as I'm going to be starting a new theme this week. I'm doing a new topic every week, and my topic this week will be- Blind Dating. Oooh, exciting, right? I know. I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving, and Cooper says thanks for all the great comments. :) He recommends getting at least two bunnies to keep the blues away.

Cooper Under Cover

2009-11-26T17:55:00.001-08:00

Cooper decided to investigate the spare bedroom. Unfortunately, he isn't very sneaky.

Giving Thanks

2009-11-25T16:15:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, as we all know, and it's that time of year we actually look forward to spending time with our families. Or not. Whatever the case may be, most of us are asked what we are thankful for, and this year, I've decided to make my thankful list a day early. Mainly because I will be moving all of tomorrow night after eating a huge turkey dinner and probably will not be able to move even my fingers to type it out.

I am thankful I am back in Arizona, even as lonely as it can be without my closest family around. Colorado would have been a worse place to be, and I'm glad I'm here.

I'm thankful for Chris, and how great he has been to me and our relationship. I'm grateful he has decided to choose this as his time to grow up and start his real life.

I'm thankful for my good friends, most of them in Michigan, for always being supportive and leaving me pictures of rabbits and hilarious comment on my Facebook, when I desperately need to be cheered up.

I'm thankful for my mom, despite being insane. She has done her best to help me and I can't ask for more.

I'm thankful my dad finally decided to talk to me again, and I'm happy I will be spending Thanksgiving with him and my stepmom, even if it means being around two of her bratty second cousins.

I'm thankful for Cooper and Beauty, who make me laugh and smile everyday. I love my kids.

I'm extremely thankful for all of the readers and friends I've found here. Without your advice and support, I might have lost my marbles the last few months. Thankfully most of them are still rolling around in my head and despite being a bit loose at times, I'm able to make the right decisions for myself.

And, last but not least, I'm thankful for the the case of beer I'm purchasing tonight, so Chris and I can start our move across the apartment complex to our new place. Without you, Bud Light, I don't know how we would be able to accomplish this in a short amount of time, with just the two of us. Thank you.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! Have a great day and enjoy the food! I'm looking forward to the sweet potatoes the most!

The Addiction

2009-11-23T17:38:00.000-08:00

Although this is slightly irrelevant from most of the topics I've discussed here, I've decided to talk about it, anyway. My life has been consumed by it lately, because despite my efforts in job hunting and trying to find a life again, neither has happened quite yet. Plus I'm completely enthralled in reading The Twilight Saga again (I'm in the middle of Eclipse, currently) and also trying to go see New Moon again this week. However- onto the subject.

I am on Facebook. I keep in contact mainly with people I know in person and my family through this networking site. When I first joined I had no interest, really. Most of my college friends told me to join, and I did. Now though, I find myself logging on everyday, several times, and often spending more than an hour at a time on it. And not just for networking. I'm addicted to Farmville.

Yes, you read that right. Farmville. It is an application on Facebook that allows you to create your own farm, grow crops, and raise animals. I never thought in a million years I would join such a game, but it has come to this. I'm obsessed (may be too strong of a word but it seems suitable currently) with getting to a higher level, more neighbors, and the nicest farm of them all! Not only that, but I've gotten Chris addicted, too, which has us fighting for time on the computer since we still haven't bought another wireless router for my laptop. It is quite pathetic.

Today I found myself accepting friend requests based solely on the purpose of getting more neighbors. Shirley and Ron are fellow addicts, and don't care that I live in Arizona, while they reside in New Jersey. None of us cares that we've never spoken or met, which was my restriction for adding friends on Facebook- I need to know you. That has gone out the window.

I may have to start my own FAA- Farmville Addicts Anonymous- just so I can get help once it has completely taken over my life. For now, I must end this blog because I have to go harvest my Ghost Chilies before they wither.

Coming Home

2009-11-17T13:29:00.000-08:00

...I'm back in Phoenix. I arrived here Sunday night, after a weekend that was way too long and dramatic for my own taste. I expect a little confrontation once in a while- that is life. However, Friday night was ridiculous, and it ended my experience in Colorado swiftly.

Alisha decided she wanted to go out Friday night, because we had been stuck in her apartment all week. Her brother offered to be our DD so we could go out and have some fun, and she figured M would probably want to stay home, like he did usually. Wrong. He convinced her to pick him up first, from work, then he would go with us. Right off the bat, he got in the car and started saying how he was too tired and he would take us Saturday night. Alisha told him that if he was too tired he should just drive home and her brother would use his car. He said no, and proceeded to come with us, but was a complete jerk the entire time. He made snide comments to both of us (we had a few drinks before leaving, to save us some money at the bar) and kept repeating how he couldn't believe we were drinking already- it was after ten.

Once at the bar, he stayed out of our hair for a little while. Alisha and I had fun talking and laughing, and we took silly pictures and it was good. Then we left and decided to go to a dance club down the way. I haven't been dancing in forever and was all in. That was when all of the drama started.

We were all sitting at the bar, waiting for our drinks (I limited myself to six drinks that night- and it was quite enough), when M turned to me and said, "You should just go kill yourself." Out of nowhere. I hadn't said anything to him all night, barely even looked at him, and he said this. I rolled my eyes at him, got my drink, and dragged Alisha out onto the floor. She was completely hammered, so there was no point in telling her anything. She wasn't going to remember.

After that it was all downhill. He repeatedly tried to start fights on the dance floor with guys that were dancing around us, even though I made sure they left her alone. If he would have just danced with her it wouldn't have been a problem, but hello- two cute girls on the floor alone? Of course guys are going to try to dance with us! He made it into a big deal, and a bouncer eventually had to drag M off of the floor. The night was already ruined, though.

At two, the club shut down and we left, and I stayed next to Alisha's brother B the whole time, behind her and M so I wouldn't have to listen to him. I tried to stay in a good mood, and just talked to B, but once we started towards the car, it was very apparent that M had it out for me. He started calling me a slut, and saying that I was just a fat bitch, and a bunch of other things I couldn't believe he had the nerve to say in public, with a bunch of people around. Alisha started walking really fast to get away from him, and I ran to catch up with her, but M grabbed my arm and flung me backwards onto the sidewalk.

Yep, he had the nerve to do that. He then grabbed Alisha and dragged her across the road, on her knees, because she had fallen off the sidewalk when he jerked her arm. He was out of line and out of control. I ended up calling the police, and because poor B didn't want to be in the middle, he actually drove off with them in the car, instead of waiting for the police. Therefore, I was left in downtown Denver in the freezing cold for almost two hours, while the police tried to track them down to arrest M for assault, and I had Chris texting and calling me, freaking out. For some reason, unknown to me, the police couldn't find the car, even though B stayed in Denver, because he wasn't going to leave me. So they didn't get to talk to any of us while we were there.

Chris was pissed and called the police on his own. He gave them their address, and when we arrived at the apartment an hour later (4 AM), they were waiting. I jumped out of the car and met them as they were walking down the stairs from the apartment. I told them everything that happened, and the other three stayed in the car.

Alisha denied that he did anything to either of us. B told them he didn't want to be involved and that M was very drunk and didn't know what he was doing. I didn't care. Eventually, because no one other than myself would say anything, the police left, after giving M a warning. Like that was going to do anything. Five minutes after they left, I was in my room, door locked, and guess what? He was banging away on it, threatening to kill me and calling me every name in the book. I hadn't done a thing to him all night. I didn't say one word. I ended up calling the police, again, and it turns out they didn't believe anyone else so they had stayed in the vicinity. They showed up five minutes later, while M was still yelling at screaming, and the operator heard everything as well, because she told me to stay on the phone with her until they got there. Because the police couldn't see any marks on me (um, hello, it takes longer than an hour for bruises to appear), they couldn't arrest him, but they told him to leave the premises for the night.

Chris bought my bus ticket home, and the next day Alisha drove me back to Denver to leave. She didn't say anything about the night before, and I know she was upset and confused about everything, but she acted so distant from me, like it was my fault for what happened, that I couldn't help but be mad at her. I didn't have anything to say. My arm hurt, my tailbone hurt, and I was tired and stressed out, and couldn't wait to leave. Before we left the apartment, M came back and started the yelling and name calling all over again, for no reason, and this time there wasn't the excuse of "he's just drunk".

I got home Sunday night at about 8, and Chris has been...wonderful. Literally. He has been nothing but sweet and funny, and I know it is still too early to tell, but things seem different. We are moving into a different apartment in two weeks, and have started packing the small stuff up so we can do so quickly. He got a promotion at work, and a raise, so he doesn't seem so stressed out. I don't know- maybe the 11 days I was gone wasn't enough to change him, but I think it was enough to make him realize a few things.

Alisha's mom called me Sunday night to ask me what the deal with. I've always liked her- she was a second mom to me when we all lived in Michigan. She knew there was bullshit in the stories everyone else was telling, and wanted me to tell her everything. And I did. I feel bad because Alisha didn't want her mom to know everything, because she doesn't feel like it's her mom's business, but- IT IS. She is her MOTHER, and she has every right to know what M is doing to her. I guess her mom knows the problem, though, because something happened on a camping trip last summer and M ended up dragging Alisha out of their camper by her hair, and her mom stepped up and threatened to kill him. Since then, M and Alisha don't visit her parents, which is sad, because they are nothing but supportive.

Anyhow, she asked me to take pictures of the bruises (which now cover almost my entire right upper arm and lower back) and she wants me to send them to her. I could press charges, and it would be enough for M to be sent away for a bit. I didn't want to do it at first- Alisha is so adamnent about not wanting to get him in trouble. But if this is the only way for him to get help, I will do it. I can't even begin to describe how it made me feel that whole time, either. She is so blind she cannot see what it is doing to her family, and now her friends. When it starts to have an effect on other people, it becomes a bigger problem than just a little fighting at home.

I don't know what I'm going to do, yet. Right now I'm trying to catch up on sleep and get over the emotional wear and tear the 10 days there did to me. I'm just hoping that I'll just know what to do when the right thing hits me.

Reasoning

2009-11-10T21:45:00.000-08:00

After an exhausting day of walking, talking, and cheering at a hockey game, I am finally home, and ready to sleep. Alisha had the day off from work, so we decided to go to her brother's hockey game tonight, and it was quite exciting. I haven't been to a hockey game in a long time, and forgot how fun they are. But, onto the second part of my previous post.

As I told you yesterday, there are difficulties within the marriage of my friend Alisha and her husband, M. They have been married almost four years, and the last two years have been a struggle because he as terrible PTSD from being in the war in Iraq. He has refused therapy, and also started drinking heavily. It is not only sad, but extremely frightening for her. Unfortunately, I didn't learn the entire situation until I was already here, and far from a home I could go to.

After their fight last night, M passed out and Alisha slept on the couch. We had discussed what she wanted to do, but was afraid she wouldn't have the guts to leave him. I knew even before we had the talk that I would not be staying any longer than I would have to, because I will not put myself in the middle of a dangerous situation. However, during our talk, I offered her to come with me. I'm going to steer away from this topic for a moment to tie in the second part.

Chris and I haven't spoken a whole lot since I left. We've texted a little, but most of it has been unimportant and nothing to do with us. A few nights ago, though, he told me that I could believe it or not, but he did miss me, and love me. Of course, I already knew he loved me. That was never the problem. The problem was how immature he was acting and hurting our relationship by neglecting me and my feelings. It was a struggle for a over a month before he decided to end it because I was too much to deal with when all he wanted to do was have fun and be with so-called friends instead of being respectful to me. I took it as it was, even if it was hard, and came out here. It has been rough for me. I miss him terribly, and it's been hard not to tell him that everyday, and dwell on it myself.

After he told me that he missed me and loved me, he said the same thing he has been saying: "I just need time to myself to gather my thoughts." Instead of just telling me he needed a little space, he ended it, and let me move a thousand miles away. Apparently this isn't what he wanted, but he didn't want to tell me he didn't want me to move, because it was my decision and he didn't know how long it would take him to get his shit together. We started talking about what we wanted through text, and suddenly, he tells me that he loves me and he just wants to start over with me, and rebuild what we had. And I asked, "What has suddenly changed?" He answers, "Not really anything. As I said it's not you, it's me. I just need to get over the fact that life needs to move on." Meaning, from what he is doing right now. He then tells me that he wants to stay in Phoenix, but he doesn't want to live in an apartment (which has been one of my big arguments with him about why I don't want to live there) forever, and that he wants a life. He says if once the lease is up on our apartment, and I still want to leave, that we can leave together. He added something else to the whole speech but it's a little too out there to say here, but it started with, "I know I want to be with you," then something about until certain body parts of mine are no longer where they are supposed to be. Ha ha.

...It is a lot for me to take it. After all, it wasn't long ago he was telling me he just didn't feel the same anymore and all this other crap. Apparently he didn't know what he wanted and now he misses me and realizes that I wasn't so out of line to ask certain things from him. I made a comment about how he is still young and needs to get it out of his system but he retaliated with, "I know I'm young but it doesn't mean I don't love you and realize what I want." Which, is probably half true. I know what everyone is thinking- DON'T DO IT! ...I thought it, too. Don't fall for it. Don't go back so easily. Don't let him manipulate you.

I know, I know, I know. The thing is- although I am defensive about it and want to disprove anyone who says he just doesn't want to be alone now, I know Chris well enough to know when he is being sincere or just being selfish. He told me he didn't want me to come home if I didn't want to, or if I didn't think it would work. He said he wasn't going to ask me to move back, just to think about it. And he was okay when I told him that maybe after the holidays, we could talk about it.

Then, came this whole thing with Alisha and M. Since Chris is really the only person I have had close to me in a long time, I told him about the situation and he immediately said, "Then bring her down here with you. She can stay here." He doesn't want me living in this situation, and he thinks that it would be a good idea to get her out of here. I really couldn't believe he was saying anything of the sort since we both agreed we would not have another roommate again, after his brother. He was sincere about it, though.

Alisha has decided not to leave. She told me today she thought about it all night and also most of the day, but she feels she cannot abandon M when he needs her most, even though it puts her in dangerous situations. It both irritates and frustrates me to no end, but I see her side of it. This is a man she promised to love forever, through thick and thin, through good and bad times. I suppose she thinks she owes it to him to take care of him and help him as much as she can. After the very dramatic night last night, he called her every five minutes today, though, and was very clingy. I know these signs- he knows he screwed up and wants to make sure she isn't going to leave him. We were with her mom at the hockey game, and she even said that he can't do anything without her and she has to be home every minute with him or else he flips out. All in all, it is a very unhealthy relationship in my eyes. It is not my place to tell her what to do, though, and if she wants to stay, that is her choice.

We both have a lot on our plates right now, and it's been emotionally tiring. I feel like a million pounds of bricks were dropped on me in the last 24 hours and it is only going to get worse before it gets better. Should I go back to Chris? Will she leave M? Are we going to put number one first?

All questions that will have to be answered, and better sooner than later.

Being The Savior, Not The Saved

2009-11-09T23:06:00.000-08:00

As many of you know, I have recently made the trip to Colorado to get away from Phoenix and start again. This was a good idea when it first came up, since my situation there was terrible. My ex Chris decided to leave me with no notice because he decided he wanted to hang out with bad influences and party to his life's content, instead of answering to a worried girlfriend at home. This broke my heart completely but a friend decided to try to help me out the best she could, because she knows how bad it is to be in a situation such as the one I was in.

I made the 22 hour journey to Denver, CO, where I was met with cold weather and clouds in the sky, neither of which is very frequent in Phoenix. She dropped me and my stuff off, I promptly took a long ass nap (it is very hard to sleep on those terrible buses!), and then, set out to look for jobs. My first night here was good. I got to hang out with her for the first time in four years, I met her husband, and she showed me around town a bit. Not much to it, honestly. Greeley is pretty small, easy to navigate, and the people are pretty friendly. I was sure it would be a great place for me to be.

Unfortunately, the problem isn't the town. The problem lies within the walls of the apartment I have moved into. My friend, Alisha, had mentioned to me several times how she was alone a lot and her husband is kind of whacky and they're having some problems within their marriage. He told her it would be nice for her to have a friend down here and he didn't mind me staying here. I took that as, he's a nice guy and cares for his wife. I've met the guy once. We'll call him, M. The first time I met M was when I was working in a convenience store and they happened to be visiting Michigan. This was back in 2007. He was very quiet, didn't shake my hand, and just nodded at me, even though I was acting ecstatic to finally meet my best friend's husband. Even after just one meeting, I knew I didn't like him. Call me judgemental, but I didn't. So when I arrived here, I already had my first impression in my head, and you know how hard it is to change that once it's there. M didn't even say hi to me when we picked him up from his job. He was completely quiet and said hardly three words to me. The rest of the weekend was much the same- except I got to experience him while he is, in one word, wasted.

I used to think that when I got drunk I could get out of hand at times, and definitely step out of line. Compared to him, though, I am a saint. As soon as Friday night hit, it was nonstop fighting. About nothing. Then, I got to see why Alisha is having such a hard time with him. M is violent. Not necessarily towards her, but towards the apartment, their dog, his things. I'm not exaggerating when I tell you this: he is nuts. I tried to tell myself that he was just drunk, but now, I know better.

M is a retired Marine. He has PTD (post-traumatic disorder) and has nightmares and rages he cannot control. He is also a person that refuses to get help. For the past two years Alisha has dealt with his anger and bouts of depression. He wakes up in the middle of the night thrashing around, then wakes up sobbing because he can't save one of his friends. It is quite sad when you think about it. He risked his life to fight in a war that he doesn't believe in, and now he is suffering for it. However, instead of trying to get help, he is making his wife suffer as well.

He runs into doors on purpose. The door to my bedroom has two holes in it. There is a poster on my wall that covers a giant hole. The bathroom door doesn't shut properly because he rammed his head into it. There are giant white plaster marks all over the living room from where he has thrown various objects and himself into the walls. The closet doors in their room and the pantry are completely ruined because he has decided to run into them. Their dog, a 130 pound bull mastif, is completely terrified of him because M has thrown him around and also choked him. Alisha finally admitted the reason she is wearing a foot immobilizer is because he threw her across the living room and bones in her foot with dislocated. She may need surgery to correct it if this shoe she is wearing now doesn't fix it.

She has lied to her doctor and her family about the situation. She lied to me, and has brought me into the situation. I cannot pretend to even like this guy because I know what is going on. He got in my face tonight and started questioning me. Thankfully, I am able to look people right in the eye when I talk to them and not show fear. He asked some questions and I had quick smart ass answers, and he said he liked that, but then later he stated, "You don't like me, I know it." What was I supposed to say? I replied with, "I don't even know you well enough yet to know whether I do or not." And just shrugged.

I guess this is not my business. But I will not live here, in the midst of all of this and just keep my mouth shut. When he gets physical, I will not hide in my room until it stops. I will be calling the police, something she refuses to do because he will get in deep trouble, due to the fact that he is a Marine. I guess he would actually go to prison for it because, as she put it, he is a "trained and dangerous weapon of the military." I suppose that would cause a problem.

I do not know how to save this girl. It is not even my responsibility, but I sat her down tonight and told her, "I won't live here while this happens. I cannot watch this and not do anything. It is your choice to stay, but I will be leaving as soon as I can." I wasn't trying to be ungrateful by any means, and she understood that. I'm guessing she didn't realize how bad it is because she started crying and confessed she didn't even think this was a bad night for him. I couldn't believe that. This was after the dog came into my room, scared, and laid beside me on the bed for a while. I knew they were fighting, but I didn't realize it was because he had done something to the dog. M walked by the room and saw the dog in here, and then grabbed the door handle, and repeatedly slammed the door several times very hard, scaring the dog even more. I couldn't believe it. He did it in front of me, in the room that I am staying in! That's when I told her how I felt.

She said she doesn't see it like everyone else because she lives inside the box. Everyone else can see better because they are outside. I don't know if that's how I would explain it. I would probably say, she has her head in the sand and is afraid to pull it out and face the truth. This guy is abusive and could possibly severely hurt her- or worse, kill her.

After a very long talk and cry (her, not me), she decided that she wants to leave. There's a whole other part to the story, but I'll save it for later. I'm just wondering what other people would do in this situation. Stick by their friend through it, or pull out and leave it to them? I can't see myself abandoning her, but I don't want to be in the middle of this, where I could put myself in danger. I know a lot of people that have kept their nose out of bad situations because they didn't want to be involved, but later learned had they said something, the turn out would have been different.

And I thought life in Phoenix was tough...

Conversion

2009-11-08T13:25:00.000-08:00

The last few days have been rough on me. It is sad to sleep alone in a big bed, it brings me down to watch my friend and her husband together, I am sad to have no one to kiss. This has hit me a lot harder than I thought it would. I figured that I would be a little bit sad, but so distracted by my new surroundings that I wouldn't have much time to think about how badly my heart hurts. It turns out I was wrong.

Every time I log onto Facebook, one of my friends is engaged, planning a wedding, or having kids- maybe all three in a week. This makes it worse, as I feel like I'm the last of the single ones. I know that a lot of women my age prefer to be single, and at times when I was with Chris I sort of wished I was, but I definitely don't prefer it. I dislike not having anyone to wind down with at the end of the day, I miss making dinner for someone I love, and I definitely am not fond of sleeping alone. I realize that although I was not in a good position back in Phoenix with Chris, at least I had a partner.

On Friday night we texted most of the night. I was drinking with Alisha and her husband and brother, and Chris told me that if I feel like I'm not going to make it here that I should come back because he loves me and doesn't want me to feel like I'm not loved. He just needs time to himself. I'm not saying that I am going back, I'm just pointing out that he does love me and doesn't like to see me hurt. I know this much. He's never been a fan of fighting and the last month and a half has been the worst in our relationship. Every time before this that we argued, it ended with us making up and him telling me that just because we fight it doesn't mean he doesn't want to be with me, or that he loves me any less.

I told him that I'm not going back to a city where I don't have friends. Where every person we hang out with isn't interested in friendship, but just getting drunk or high. Mind you, I don't do drugs. But, he is known to smoke a little bit, and so do all his friends. That's the only thing most of them have in common. I told him that I don't think any of his friends are true friends, because if he stopped smoking, none of them would come around anymore. And if he needed help doing something, they would have some excuse as to why they can't help. He doesn't believe that, and it is sad. He thinks these people that come over just to get "messed up" are his real friends and that he can depend on them. What about the months that they disappeared off the radar because they had better things to do and found new friends to go and hang out with?

It makes me sick and sad. I told him last night that I see where his loyalty is, and it is not with me, and that I will not be texting nor calling him anymore. I will leave it up to him. I don't wish to speak to him when he is constantly distracted or doing something more exciting than talking to me. He told me that he wants to talk to me and that he likes talking to me, but I suppose if that were true, he would make more of an effort to make the first contact. He texted me yesterday morning to say good morning, but that was it. The rest of the time I had to initiate the conversation or else I didn't hear from him.

I don't know how long this is going to take for me to get over. The more I think about how much I want to just forget about him the more I realize that I did love him more than I thought. I never realized how much I cared about him, or how much he meant to me until I no longer had him. And it isn't even as if I ever abandoned him or didn't give him enough attention. I guess I just never took time to appreciate him fully when he was there for me.

Tomorrow I am job hunting again. I am not sure how that will go, as the more I see of Greeley the more I realize there is really nothing here. It would be a different story if I had a vehicle, but depending on someone to get me to work and pick me up isn't what I wanted to do. Alisha thought the bus system here ran everywhere, but it doesn't even come close to her apartment, so I'd have to walk about a mile and a half to get to the first stop. And let's face it- I'm not walking that far once winter really hits. It is already 40 degrees at night and I can barely handle it. I'm ashamed to admit it but I have officially been converted to a Phoenician and I dislike the cold more than I ever have, and have a low tolerance for it. I guess we'll see what happens.

In The Rockies

2009-11-05T21:11:00.000-08:00

Well, not technically...in the valley of the Rockies, is more like it.

I will never, ever, EVER again in my life take a Greyhound bus. I'm telling you what, the 22 hours I spent on two different buses was enough to tell me that even if I don't like flying that much, it is the way better option. Totally. It was loud, people were rude, it smelled funny, and at night, it was impossible to sleep. That could have been just because the second bus was the oldest Greyhound I'd ever seen. It still doesn't explain why they felt the need to keep a bus that vibrates so badly that when you lay your head back, your teeth chatter.

I arrived this morning at 6 AM, after an exhausting night of hardly any sleep and also, no sleep the night before. I caught a few hours of sleep from Phoenix to Albuquerque but not much, due to the cramped space. I am a person who likes to spread out, and it wasn't possible because I had a seat mate, and he was holding a 6 month old for quite a bit of that time. He was really nice, though, and so was his wife. She was reading Twilight, which was odd because I was reading New Moon. :) I made friends, yay! But, we never exchanged names. I know, 7 hours on a bus with two people and we never told our names. Oh well.

First thing I did when I stepped off the bus in Denver was sneeze my brains out. I'm not sure why this is, but it was like insta-flu. Then I remembered that my friend here, Alisha, also has a cat. Cats and I don't get along. They practically kill me. She said that her cat is mostly an outdoor cat, but their dander gets on everything no matter how much they're inside. Right now I'm not sure if it's because I'm over tired and stressed that I'm sick, or if it's the cat. I suppose I'll find out tomorrow morning when I wake up. If I have snot running down my face I'll know it's the cat; if I don't, it was just because my immune system was slacking.

So anywho, I will be job hunting tomorrow and also going through an online orientation for college. Yep, I'm enrolling in school again. I'm going into psychology for an Associate's Degree. I think it will help with my writing career, and plus, I'll be able to get a decent job (not great paying or anything) being a counselor or what not once I finish it. I've always been interested in the way minds work, anyway, so I think it will be fun no matter what. It'll be way better than the business management degree I was studying for. Hardly any math! WOO HOO!

Now that I have access to my laptop and my computer, though, I'll have oh-so-much more time to read everyone's blogs again! YAY! I'm actually excited because I've missed laying in bed at night catching up with everyone. :) I'm not starting tonight though, as I'm so completely drained of energy I just drooled on the keyboard.

I'm officially a resident of Colorado.

2009-11-04T09:08:00.001-08:00

A palm tree. Something I won't see once I leave the desert behind. Instead, I'll be up to my neck in snow. Hello, soggy socks!

Dag Nabbit

2009-11-02T17:20:00.000-08:00

Okay, okay, I'm STILL NOT IN COLORADO! >:( GRRR! But it seems like things keep holding me back here for reason, because I got a lot accomplished in the weeks that I've been waiting. But it is definitely happening Wednesday, because I got my ticket.

Basically, the last week has flown by. It hasn't been a hard week or anything, either. I'm glad for that. Chris and I have been getting along well still and he even took me to the fair on Halloween. It was pretty fun. Our friend came along with us, then we drank some later that night and watched scary movies. Basically the plan is going completely astray from what was originally decided. My friend was supposed to be driving down here, stay a weekend, then we were driving back. Instead, I'm taking a Greyhound there, then coming back Thanksgiving weekend with her to pick up the rest of my crap, staying the weekend, and then driving back to Colorado. I know, confusing and a lot of driving. However, I'd rather do it this way than spend another two weeks waiting for her to get time off again. Plus...Chris actually told me he would like it if I came here for Thanksgiving. I know, I know. Bad idea. I'm just hoping we stay on good terms and can be friends.

I apologize again for not keeping up with everyone. It's hard to do so due to the lack of internet access. It makes me feel guilty because I know a lot of you read and comment every time I blog but never get one in return. Rest assured, I will be back to normal scheduling soon. Hopefully. I actually got a promising job offer (nanny position) so I'm crossing my fingers that will work out when I get there.

In other news- I just read Stephanie's blog and SHE FOUND AN AGENT! How fricken awesome is that?!?! I'm jealous as hell, but she deserves it so much! I'm excited for her. :) So if you get a chance, swing by her blog and tell her congrats!

Cooper and Beauty will be living with Chris for the next couple weeks, and when I come back they will make the 13 hour journey back with us. I'm hoping they take it okay. They will basically be locked in my bedroom though, because my friend has a dog and I'm not sure how that would work out. I'm going to be investing in a dog pen and tossing their cage as well, so they won't be locked in all the time. I feel terrible having to take them away from this environment, but there's not much else I can do.

So, that's my update for now. I will try to get back to reading all of my subscriptions soon. Seems like I would have a lot of time on my hands when I'm not working, but I've been busy as hell. Stay with me and I promise you'll enjoy my coming blogs- I'm sure my adventures in a small Colorado town are going to be worth the wait!

A Beer A Day...

2009-10-26T17:25:00.000-07:00

I hate not being able to use my laptop. I lot. I'll leave it at that.

So, this weekend wasn't as bad as I thought, but it wasn't the good weekend I wanted. I didn't get to leave because a few things went astray in the plans, but I'll be in Colorado Halloween night. I doubt we'll be doing anything after my friends spend 26 hours on the road and I am emotionally and mentally worn out, but we'll see when we get there.

Chris has been unusually nice to me. This isn't a bad thing, but it does make me wonder how he feels about everything. You see, a man doesn't like to discuss his feelings. Most of the time, they can go years without expressing any sort of feeling they have, unless it's anger at not being able to watch a football game on Sunday afternoon. Chris is good at being mad and he's good at being annoyed. As far as I can tell, he isn't good at being sad nor disappointed nor anxious. I'm good at everything, but that's because I'm a woman.

I hate overdoing the, "I just want to know what is wrong," statement. I hate asking, period, but I want to know. How come he was a complete ass for a month and couldn't tell me what was wrong? Why was it so hard to say, "I just need some space"? I would have no problem saying that. I have never had a problem with it. As a matter of fact, I would have definitely preferred hearing that instead of him telling me to just leave him alone and he won't be home at all for the weekend, making me wonder what I did wrong and what was he doing that he didn't want me to know about. It's all just ridiculous.

The cure to a man's daily problems is a beer at night. Drink a beer, watch some TV, and go to bed. Seems to help them relax and just forget the day. I wish it were that easy for me. "A beer a day keeps the problems at bay." ...

I drank this weekend. Not a lot. I know better. I even had a discussion with someone about it. If I've had a rough day, but have no qualms with a person, sure, I can drink and be fine. But if I am upset or sad or annoyed, you can bet the alcohol will bring it out. So I don't have the choice of just coming home and drinking a beer. I watched Chris do it and was jealous. It has a lot to do with the fact that I'm also bipolar, but in general, I've learned many, many people have the same problem with drinking. It's ridiculous. And not just women- my dad has been known to burst into tears when he is a little tipsy.

Chris is lucky. If he can mute his emotions by drinking a beer and playing video games, good for him. I wish I could, as well. Hell, I can't even mute my emotions by ignoring them. Or ignoring everyone else. I tried. Man, did I try this weekend. I wanted to just have fun. Chris and I were getting along, he was being nice to me, we hung out with old friends and laughed and everything. But that is definitely not what was happening on the inside. I'm sure he knows better. How can he believe I'm okay with this? Especially after the crying fits and hiding in the bedroom all week and not wanting to shower? I know, I know, not a good idea, but you know how it is.

I'm hoping when I move to Colorado, I will be able to take the "A Beer A Day" approach. I haven't seen the friend I'm staying with in four years. We used to have so much fun together. Of course, times change, and we were young then, but still. I'll have to drink a light beer and hope it doesn't go straight to my gut, but it's nothing a little running can't cure. I guess we'll see when I get there.

Waiting to Breathe...

2009-10-24T01:15:00.000-07:00

You know what? I love you guys. I can't answer every single one of the comments I was left, and I'm sorry for that.

But I will tell you- I love my readers. I love my commenters. And I think I'm okay with life.

A lot has happened. I still haven't moved. I still don't have unlimited access to a computer. But- I still have my same readers and friends. GOD I love YOU for that!

Okay- so onto the update-

This week has been emotional. I haven't kept dry-eyed for even one day. But I will tell you, every day has gotten easier.

Chris and I have officially broken up. At this point, we are both safe to say, it is the way it will be. I can't say I completely agree, but I do, for the most part. Last weekend was hell- literally.

I won't even go into what I went through, but I will tell you the gist: D and J will not leave, and I am now the second (or third) woman in the picture. But you know what?? I am okay with this now.

I've had a week to digest moving to Colorado, and giving up my life here, in Phoenix, and to the heat in Arizona. And I don't change my mind. I am excited. I've cried every given moment- even tonight- but I am still excited. My friend says she likes it. And she is also from northern Michigan. I think I will follow her footsteps. I haven't seen her in years, I will tell you, and when we talk it seems like just yesterday.

I've never had to worry about her as a roommate, and for that I am grateful. However, everyday I have to spend longer with Chris makes me more anxious. More scared. lol. Is that a word?

Okay in the middle of all this, thank you SO MUCH AGAIN to Steph. I am taking forever to update but she has AGAIN given me an award! I love you!

I really plan on updating again, believe me. Probably tomorrow. This week has just been...emotional and confrontational and ugly. :-/ Not a good time, believe me.

I love you all, again, and I will be back!

I'm Doing It

2009-10-19T13:50:00.000-07:00

Again, sorry for the lack of updates. Things are hectic. Why? Because. Chris and I are officially done. And I'm either moving out this weekend, or next. Where to? Colorado.

Yes ma'ams and sirs, I am leaving this pavement paradise of Phoenix and heading to the Rockies. I got an offer from a friend to go stay with her and find work there and start over, and get away from all the crappy memories I have here in Arizona.

I reconnected with my dad over the weekend, and I don't know how I feel about it all. He has always made me feel very inferior and worthless. He's constantly telling me how I need to stop blaming other people for my problems. Um...I didn't know I blamed anyone for my problems, but okay, Dad. My heart is broken and that's all you have to say?

Chris left the entire weekend. I don't know where he went. He still hasn't come home, except to pick up clean clothes for work last night. He was here for all of ten minutes then left. Again. And I sat in my room, watching my seasons of The O.C. on DVD all night, drinking rum and Cokes because, well, I was wallowing. ...Wallowing. What a weird ass word.

Today though, is a new day. Although my heart hurts and I get sporatic spurts of tears still, I'm hoping that this is a message from God to me, saying, "Here is your chance to get out of Phoenix." Even if it means leaving behind Chris.

But, let me just say this-

He is a good guy. He is just confused and he knows he doesn't want to move away from Phoenix, like I do. He didn't see any point in staying with me when he knows I'm going to be moving away eventually, with or without him. Who knows if that would have actually happened. Maybe I would have changed my mind for him a year from now, and decided my home is where he is. But now we'll never know. I feel heartsick and devastated by this, and Lord knows my sheets probably need to be washed because of all the snot on them. I'll always love Chris; I still do. I can't say that enough. I love him, probably more than I've loved any of my past ex's, including the fiance. He opened up my mind to new things and showed me how I should be treated (before this last month), and he stood by my side through most of the trials we went through. He didn't mind my craziness, and he chose to be with me even when it meant giving up his loser brother and old pothead, party crazy friends. He chose me for a whole year, even though he was young and had every right to live like a boy before he has to become an adult with responsibilities. I'll always remember the good times.

Anyhow...I gotta start job hunting and packing and figuring out what I'm taking and what I'm leaving. The buns are coming with me. I'm not sure how they'll handle 12 hours in a car. But...I'm sure we'll be able to let them out along the way.

On to the long, hard road...

2009-10-16T21:20:00.001-07:00

Berry Weiss. My Friday night indulgence while I'm alone. I know, it's never good to drink alone. But, yet again, my boyfriend has ditched me to be with people I don't like. Boy I'm pathetic.

Blissfully Naive

2009-10-16T14:48:00.000-07:00

I miss the days of not being aware. Of anything. How much rent REALLY is, how much groceries cost, how often sinks/stoves/computers/TVs actually DO go out of service. Of what my boyfriend is really doing when he comes home late.

I miss the days when I just thought he was around the corner, chilling with some friends. I miss the days when I actually believed there was nothing going on with that 'other girl'. I miss the days when I was able to just dump him and move onto my next victim. It was so much easier then.

I wish that I could block that part of my brain again. Back in the day, I could convince myself nothing was going on that I didn't know about. Nothing was going on that could hurt me. My boyfriend of the moment was just hanging out with his family, working late, or chilling with a pal. Not anymore. I can't convince myself of such things. I'm no longer an ignorant 17 or 18 or 19 year old. Not even 21. I'm past all of that, and once I passed it all, I suddenly had a chip implanted in my brain that made me all too aware when something is not right in my life. My job, for instance. Before, I could ignore the lack of opportunity because at least I had a job, at least I got a paycheck every week (or two weeks, whichever). Now, I know when I'm wasting my time. I was wasting my time. I wrote an email to the employee relations manager. Guess what? He tried to help me out and get me promoted. I was swiftly denied. Not only that but they cut my hours. Instead of wasting anymore time, I quit. Yep. I'm officially unemployed. Retail jobs won't fire people because they know we'll ask for unemployment. Instead, they'll take you off the schedule for one week, then put you on for four hours the next week, repeating the process over and over again.

I'm not about playing games with an employer that screws with employees' heads. I'm done with them. I also know when I'm wasting my time with a relationship. Now that it has been made clear that Christopher no longer gives a shit what I say or how I feel, I'm wasting my time with him. Where do I go from here? I can't even remember what I did the last time this happened to me.

Oh yeah, I moved back in with Mom because I had no place to go. Same situation, except this time, Mom is across the country and I have no backup plan. I'm so stupid for putting myself in this situation. Last night he didn't come home until after ten. I don't know, really, because I took my medication and fell asleep swiftly because I wasn't up for fighting again. He claims he got home just after ten- because he was installing software for one of his co-workers. Um, is he an idiot? I mean the co-worker, not Chris. Installing software these days is so easy a caveman can do it (haha). You insert said software, via USB or CD, and you computer should automatically start it up. Wah- la! Follow the instructions.

Not only that, but does it seriously take two hours to install software? ...Don't answer that, because I know the answer.

Yes, he was with D and J, my despised now-arch enemy. I stood on the front porch this morning and watched Chris leave, giving them both my best "I'll fuck you up" smile as they pulled out. She just ignored me. Yes, ignore me. You can have him all to yourself pretty soon. Because I'm going to be thousands of miles away, leaving this stupid city and state far, far behind, NEVER to return.

And, although I will never be blissfully naive again, I will vow to myself to never, EVER let a guy do this to me again. I'm getting my own house, that way there will be no doubts about who gets what, and that'll be the end of it. And yes, Cooper and Beauty will be making the long haul with me. Even if they did chew my computer cords this week and make Mom very, very mad. I feel bad, because Cooper is really Chris's bunny- they love each other- but I'm not trusting him with my babies. Not when I couldn't even trust him to keep his other...pets in check.

I'm off to job hunt. Thanks guys, for being patient. I will be getting my router this weekend, so no worries, I'll be leaving comments soon!

Yet Again

2009-10-15T15:48:00.000-07:00

This will have to be short and sweet because I'm using Chris's computer and I hate it. He uses our flatscreen TV as the monitor and it gives me a mad headache every time I use it.

So, updates:

First, I lost another follower. So I'm back to just 40. I'm sort of disappointed. I hope people aren't leaving because of my lack of interesting updates. REALLY, I'm just busy looking for a job and trying to keep my relationship afloat! I will probably get a new wireless router this weekend to update. I know today is Group Blog Thursday, but I won't be participating. Sorry, Stephanie! :(

Second, Chris and I got into yet another argument last night about his obsession with being friends with people (particularly girls) that I am not fond of. He isn't respecting me, and it has been made clear that he doesn't care what I say or how he is making me feel. As he said last night, "You aren't my mom, you aren't my dad, and you're not my boss. I will talk to and hang out with whomever I want, regardless of what you say."

That says it all. He then proceeded to text D (the girl that was acting weird and taking pictures all night of him) until three in the morning. He conveniently deleted certain messages out of his phone so that the conversations didn't make sense. No, I wasn't snooping. When I came out of the bedroom because I couldn't sleep, his phone was flashing on the floor beside him. I asked, "Who are you texting at 3 AM?" He then told me, "D. You wanna read the messages?" Which just made me mad because...well. I have friends in Michigan that work third shift so sometimes I'll text them until one or two in the morning. I don't care that he is texting that late, but why does it have to be her, after all the shit that went down not but two weeks ago?

I didn't want to read them. I was exremely upset and it was a very bad day yesterday to start with. I made him dinner (chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy, and corn), baked a cake (even colored it with food coloring so it was his favorite color, blue), cleaning the kitchen, the living room, did laundry, and just comes home, jumps right on his video game after eating, and proceeds to ignore me.

So after lying in bed for over two hours trying to fall asleep, I got up to see what he was doing. Only to find he was having a grand ol' time texting her.

I went back in the bedroom for another hour or so, but last night my medication was having a bad effect on me and I was restless. I hate that feeling. I kept having to stretch and if I didn't my muscles would start contracting and jolting even though I was trying to just sleep. So I got back up again, to get something to drink, and he was still out here. And his phone was flashing again. I finally was so upset that I picked up his phone, and went through it. He didn't say anything. He knew he was caught.

Like I said, there were messages deleted from it that made the conversation not make sense, but one of them upset me so much I didn't even care. She wrote, "I'm sorry you have to sleep on the couch. She's crazy. Do you want me to come pick you up?"

That right there says it all. He was telling her I made him sleep on the couch, WHICH I NEVER SAID. And she offered to come pick him up. Also, a sign that he was talking shit about me but cleverly deleted the messages so that IN CASE I were to read his texts, they wouldn't be there. He's not so smart. He should have just deleted them all.

I think we are done. No, we didn't break up. But I think as soon as I'm able to leave, I'm leaving him. Yes, this means I'm going to be using him for the time being. I love him, with all of my heart. But it is clear he is too immature to accept the responsibility of being in a serious relationship, and that having these girls as friends is more important that saving my feelings. I'm fed up with it. I'm hurt and worn out and depressed and I think I've pretty much made it clear I don't agree with him and that if I could, I would be out of here on a plane first chance I got.

I'm too old to deal with his childish antics. He's not ready to settle down. I don't know why I ever thought he was. Maybe it's because he has been on his own since he was 17. He has always done what he had to do to stay afloat. He told me he didn't want to play games. He told me he could see us being together for a long time. Obviously he was blowing smoke up my ass.

Anyway, I'm tired and probably need a nap. My eyes are heavy and so is my heart. Hopefully I'll get a router soon so I can get back to my regular reading and blogging.

Have a good day, everyone.

2009-10-14T22:15:00.001-07:00

They look so cute here. Then they go and chew wireless router cords and hinder my internet connection. I'm very, very, VERY upset with the bunnies.

Major Sadness

2009-10-13T23:35:00.000-07:00

I just found out the Wordpress readers cannot "follow" me through Google friends. I had no idea. Now I feel like a shit. Why? Because! I thought I was just up to 40 followers when REALLY, I could have many, many more and not know because of the fact that Wordpress doesn't have the option to "follow" blogs.

So I apologize to any readers that are Wordpress bloggers and cannot follow, that I have not recognized. I am sorry if I skipped over you if you really were my 40th follower. I had no idea, because I am new to this whole Blogger-Wordpress blogging business. I've only had my account since July, and I learn more and more everyday.

Is there anyone here that knows how to track Wordpress followers?

Cooper- Back By Popular Demand

2009-10-13T16:01:00.001-07:00

He was digging his claws in the carpet for some odd reason, as if to say...

"NOOOOO MOOOOM! I don't WANNA go to bed yet!!"

"Oh yes Cooper, it is your bed time!"

Like a kid that lifts his arms up in defiance of being picked up, he dug his nails into the carpet. That ain't gonna help you, Coop. I'll just pick you up and cuddle you!

Someone Deserving

2009-10-13T14:55:00.000-07:00

It occured to me a few minutes ago that maybe, just maybe, I should extend my award to more than just certain numbered followers. The only reason I really pay attention to that number is because I'm curious as to how many of those followers actually read my blog. Let's face it- we may "follow" fifty blogs, but does everyone have time to read every blog each of them writes? Probably not.

I usually read blogs for about two hours a day, right after I wake up, to get my mind going. I'm one of those people that takes forever to wake up. If I immediately stand up I am likely to stumble all over the place and possibly fall. Chris is constantly asking me if I'm drunk because of this. Sometimes I'll get up in the middle of the night, and he'll still be playing video games, and I run into the walls on my way down the hall. He always yells out, "Babe, are you okay?" I can't even speak because my brain just isn't there. It takes about half an hour for my mouth to start forming words, because for some reason, my brain can't remember how to do it. So, I solve this by reading first thing in the morning. Sometimes, though, I already have twenty new posts to read. If I'm lucky, I'll be able to read most of them. If I'm not, I'll admit I'll skip through to the ones I read religiously.

Yes, I have blogs that I read everyday. I'll bet you do, too. I follow some blogs because they offer creative arts and crafts ideas when I am bored. I don't read them everyday. Or the recipe ones. If I need a good idea, I'll read those particular blogs. But, going back to my award. I am a follower of two blogs that in return follow me. I read these two blogs first thing when I wake up, and I always comment on them. They always interest me and always get my brain going. And, it makes me feel special that they do follow and comment my blogs, as well. I've decided to give these two blogs my award, because they live with their head in the clouds, too. Whether they dream about the perfect marriage proposal, or perhaps the ultimate book publishing deal, they are always realistic yet entertaining and are basically the java my brain needs in the morning. Who are these two fantastic bloggers, you ask? Well, they just happen to be...*drumroll*

Stephanie @ Steph in the City and Susan @ A Walk in My Shoes! *Applause*

I've been following Stephanie since we were both on MySpace. I didn't follow many blogs on there because I could rarely find any that weren't completely dramatic or ridiculous, but I found her on a whim last May and have been following ever since. She moved over here and I bookmarked her blog, then eventually joined the Blogger community with my own blog. I haven't regretted it. She always blogs about topics that interest nearly everyone and is an amazing follower, as well. Thanks, Steph!

I found Susan soon after I joined blogger, as well. I started reading blogs that dealt with the hardships of writing the perfect novel and being published, and her blog was one of the first to catch my attention and keep it. She gives awesome advice about the trials of writing novels and finding the perfect agent to handle finished pieces. I love how she connects shoes and writing (two of my favorites) to convey important aspects of the writing process. I always look forward to reading her take on the art of writing and the crises that arise during the journey to being published. Thanks, Susan!

The Rules of Having Your Head Up Here:
#1. Say thanks.
#2. Post it on your blog only if you want to.
#3. Once you have accepted, you are now my blog slave for eternity, MWAHAHAHA! and you will do as I say (or as my bunnies say).
#4. Really, just suggest a good blog for me to follow and read. I'm down for that.
#5. Keep on bloggin'.

I'll probably be back to post something else later in the day. So I'll see you guys then!

A-HEM! Attention

2009-10-12T15:09:00.000-07:00

During my morning (or rather...afternoon) escapade through my subscriptions and comments, it was brought to my attention that I lost yet ANOTHER follower somewhere in the midst of giving an award to my 40th follower. So I now have ANOTHER 40th follower. I do not believe this should go unnoticed-

This follower may very well have had her heart set on being my 40th follower, so she subscribed, and then realized I had already given my award and prize (whatever it may be) to someone ELSE that was my FIRST 40th follower. ...How many 40th followers can there be? At this rate, I may be stuck at 40 until I turn 40 (I really hope that is not the case because I would rather not waste the next 16 years losing and gaining readers on a blog that...well...obviously cannot keep the attention of the leavers...I really just think they suck). Who wants to be playing this game for that long? NO ONE!

But, in the best interest of my blog and readers (mainly just my blog, though, because I don't want to lose respect, ya know?), I'm awarding Speaking From The Crib the SECOND 40th blogger award, as well. Congratulations and thanks so much! Go ahead and steal the award and post it on your page, if you'd like! And don't forget to read the rules! :P

The Rules of Having Your Head Up Here:
#1. Say thanks.
#2. Post it on your blog only if you want to.
#3. Once you have accepted, you are now my blog slave for eternity, MWAHAHAHA! and you will do as I say (or as my bunnies say).
#4. Really, just suggest a good blog for me to follow and read. I'm down for that.
#5. Keep on bloggin'. (Similar to truckin' but, you know...blogging. Duh.)

So, everyone should say their congrats to Miss Speaking from the Crib and let's see if I'll ever make it to the 54th follower. According to the rate of followers I'm going at now, I have PLENTY of time to come up with a special "prize". I'm sorry if it is only a little mesh sack tied with ribbon filled with bunny poop. I'm running low on cash.

(Of course, I'm just jokin', ya know...)

Sunday Ramblings

2009-10-11T23:10:00.000-07:00

I just wrote this huge long blog but I deleted it. Don't ask me why, because I'm not in the mood for questions. Just accept the fact that I typed for half an hour to just 'select all' and 'delete'. I do.

I'd just like to thank Allie over at Hyperbole and a Half for making me laugh my ASS off today (during a relatively non-exciting day). And also, I'd like to say "You're welcome" in return of her thanks for me making her laugh at my comment. I just understand you, I guess, Allie, because seriously...somedays I feel like just going on and on about things that really are annoying me (like, I see one of Chris's toe nails on the floor from where I'm sitting and it makes me MAD because I always tell him to clip his stupid toe nails in the bathroom over the toilet but he doesn't, so I get grossed out when suddenly one is stuck to my foot). And your blog does just that, in a very humorous way. I wish I could be as humorous as that, sometimes. The Serious Stick just gets shoved way up my *hey, look, there are cute birdies outside my window!* and I can't find a single humorous thing in my damn life.

I also want to say that I'm at follower #39. Whoever #40 is gets a special prize. I was going to wait until 50, but I'm impatient and I will also probably forget by then. I left a long comment on one of Allie's blogs about how losing followers sucks and how I notice right away because I don't have that many. Last week I lost two so this week I had to gain two, and also another two to make up for the week. (I'm not really that anal or obsessed, but yes, I do pay attention to how many followers I have and who leaves comments.) I was glad to find another blogger that feels the same way. WHY ARE YOU LEAVING?!?!

I know, I know- sometimes my blog gets a little boring, or dramatic. I try to keep sane and serious most of the time, but I am only 24, people. That's like the new 17 these days (or at least that's what it has seemed like recently). Everything is a crisis and everyone is ganging up on me. I will try to keep a little humor and a little seriousness in all of this from now on. Right now, though, I'm going to attempt to write some on my book because it's been over a week since I've done so, and I feel as if my characters may feel abandoned by me.

I'm also going to be creating my own award. Look out for that, as well.

I'd hug you all, but I'm not much for contact or PDA. So I'll just punch you all on the shoulders. Night!

**EDIT**
Well it didn't take long to gain my 40th follower (boy, three followers in one day...I'm so lucky I can't stand it!). I'd like to say congrats OMChelsea (is it just Chelsea or do you really prefer OMChelsea?) for being the lucky follower to win. I hadn't even had time to think about what the prize was going to be, which means I need to get to work on that. But I'll guarantee that: one- it'll be creative; and two- no one else will think of it. Oh yes, and you're also the FIRST to get my new award, which is for having your head in the clouds and still being a dreamer. And for being a follower of mine. :) She's also Australian and has a dork for a husband and I salute her for that- I have a dork for a boyfriend and sometimes it's hard, but most of the time, it just makes life a bit funnier. So here is my award for her:

So there ya have it. Now onto number 54...That's the next luck follower...

**EDIT #2**
I've decided to make up rules to accepting the award. Because I like making rules. Like, in my apartment, we have rules.
#1. Clean up your messes.
#2. If you don't clean up your messes, I'll clean them up for you. (And you won't know where any of your shit is if I clean it up for you.
#3. No bunnies on the couch. Unless you're cuddling with me, then it's okay.
#4. No smoking inside! EVER!
#5. If the bunnies are laying in the middle of the floor, leave them alone. If they are laying where you want to sit, TOO BAD. If the bunnies are grunting at you, stop pissing them off. If the bunnies want you to pet them, pet them, dammit. In other words, what the bunnies say goes.

So the rules to accepting my award are as follows:
#1. Say thanks.
#2. Post it on your blog only if you want to.
#3. Once you have accepted, you are now my blog slave for eternity, MWAHAHAHA! and you will do as I say (or as my bunnies say).
#4. Really, just suggest a good blog for me to follow and read. I'm down for that.
#5. Keep on bloggin'. (Similar to truckin' but, you know...blogging. Duh.)

2009-10-10T17:32:00.001-07:00

Great evening for a ball game. The desert heat has finally gone for the most part and we'll have great weather until December, when it will get a little chilly.

Just A Night In

2009-10-10T00:23:00.000-07:00

I want to start out by saying a loud THANK YOU to Lisa at The Blonde Blogette for nominating ME for an award! Woo hoo!!! It represents the friendships we start in networking through blogs, and I just want to say that I'm glad to have received this because-

I've made more girl friends on here in the last couple months than I have in life in 24 years. Seriously. I love ALL of you!! I cherish the friendships we build through comments and reading each other's blogs. It's almost like I really know you guys sometimes, and for that, I'm thankful. Otherwise, I might go insane at some points in time. Again, thanks Lisa!

I'm usually the type to pick and choose who I nominate; however this time, I'm nominating all of my followers because otherwise I wouldn't be here. Thanks, guys. You mean the WORLD to me!

OKAY, onto other things...

I had a pretty boring day. Per usual. HOWEVER! I did get a response from an employer that I submitted my resume to requesting more information after I sent it in. So I'm sort of excited. It's just a receptionist for a dental office, but that's WAY better than where I'm at right now. I have to work tomorrow, and I'm sort of dreading it because...I just don't like working there anymore. :( I never thought I would say that. But after finding out they totally overlooked me, hired someone without even talking to me about the position, and now expect me to work all of the crappy hours (i.e. closing!), I'm just fed up. Chris said he wouldn't even bother going in for my four hour shift tomorrow. I really don't want to, but I need to leave on good terms if I'm going to. It's the one job I have credentials with here in Phoenix that reach beyond just a temporary position. I can already tell tomorrow is going to suck, though. Ugh.

I've been on a bunny binge lately. I'm a rabbit-aholic, you could say. I don't know why, but looking at pictures of cute rabbits just makes me grin from ear to ear and it always cheers me up. I had a pretty rotten day yesterday and cried almost the entire morning (just stress) but then after Chris got home I got online finally and there was a new post from lolbunnies and I just started going through all the pictures. THEY'RE JUST RIDICULOUSLY CUTE.

Tell me, you don't want one. Really. Even if it is just to squeeze and love and kiss and cuddle for a day. You want one. I adopted my two bunnies Cooper and Beauty. I picked Beauty, because she was the oldest rabbit at the Humane Society. She then chose Cooper. So, I didn't raise them from babies. I don't really believe in buying baby bunnies...Same for dogs and cats. Why pay for animals when there are so many that need to be rescued? Those ASPCA commercials make me cry every damn time. I can't help it. I want to go and adopt all of them. In fact, my ex and I once talked about opening up a shelter where we used to live in Michigan just for small pets and birds because there wasn't one in our area. Of course it didn't happen, but I would LOVE to do that. I'm really only allergic to cats, horses, and hamsters, so I think I could do it. I'd just need a place to start. Anywho, Chris got home tonight and I showed him this place I found online: Bunspace.com. Yes, you read that right. It is a networking site for none other than: THE MOST ADORABLE FURBALLS TO EVER HOP THE EARTH. And I joined it for my own buns. It's kinda ridiculous but cute. I scrolled through pictures and laughed and then saw the Rainbow Bridge page, which is for bunnies who have passed on- and it made me sad. I then looked at the adoptables page and got to thinking about how I wanted to adopt another rabbit when I can afford it and give it a good home.

At first, when I kept saying, "Oh you want one of these! I know it!" he just shook his head and said, "No." Several times, in fact. Then, I showed him this rabbit that is in the shelter twenty miles from us, and read the description, he didn't say no.

His name is Mr. O'Reilley. He is 9 years old, and his owner passed away and he lost his home. So now he is in this shelter, and needs a good home. This breaks my heart. The whole reason I chose Beauty is because she is almost 6 and I couldn't stand it if she just sat there, waiting for someone to adopt her. Let's face it- most people don't want a 6 year old rabbit. People want cute baby bunnies. And that is sad. So it really broke my heart to know this 9 year old rabbit may die in a shelter and without real love and attention.

CHRIS AGREED that we could adopt him. I couldn't believe it. We have space for another rabbit. We have an empty spare room to put them in. They'd even have their own bathroom (haha). The older rabbit would just need his own cage. He is a special needs rabbit (because of his age and an ear that apparently has acute infections), and I'm up for taking care of him. Earlier in the summer Cooper developed an eye cold and it was oozing and watering a lot so we took him to the vet, where they gave us medicine for it. But I was the one that had to put it in his eye everyday. He is developing eye cataracts, which means he will probably go blind. :( But, I love him. I love my bunnies. Even though they are old and had previous owners and had bad habits before they came here (well, Beauty is a saint- but Cooper...bad boy), they are my babies. And adding an addition would only make me feel better.

I emailed the shelter for more information and to see if Mr. O'Reilley is still there, and we are waiting to hear back. I'm kinda crossing my fingers because I know that with as chill as my rabbits are, they'd welcome a new bunny. They had never seen each other before I got them, but they bonded instantly. So, we'll see what happens. I'm off to bed for now. :) Happy weekend!!

I Hit A Home Run

2009-10-08T22:55:00.000-07:00

I was reading some humorous blogs tonight...Just to kill some time and possibly make me tired, inbetween watching The Nanny Diaries and listening to my boyfriend yell at the video game is is playing. One of them I found particularly hilarious just because it was an awkward first-time-having-sex story. I love those. Let me repeat: I love those. From this point forward, if you do not want to hear the details of someone's sex life, I recommend turning around because I have some pretty good sex stories.

I lost my virginity at a relatively young age. I'm not exactly proud of it, but, I was in love with the guy and we were together for over two years, so I don't fret over it. Anyhow. After said first boyfriend, I dated a few different guys. No, I didn't sleep with all of them. Just...a couple. And I was confused and lost and kind of in a bad place at that time, so again, I'm not proud, but I don't regret. So, the first guy I dated after the first guy I slept with (wow, that wasn't confusing- we'll call him ex A) happened to have two younger brothers. And we all love younger brothers. I know I love mine! At this time, they were just...pains in the ass though.

All of the brothers had their own rooms. Ex A had the largest- he was the oldest, of course, so it made some sense. He had a huge waterbed, and I had a couple bad experiences on that thing- from getting motion sickness my first night in it to water spraying out unexpectedly. The one that comes to my mind more clearly, though, is the night of the attack. We were, eh hem...you know, doing the horizontal polka, very discreetly, and suddenly- the door flies open. I have no idea what to do, so I quickly wrap the blanket completely around me and pray nothing shows. Ex A does the same thing with a sheet, and starts yelling at his brothers to get the hell out, obviously. However, they had a different agenda.

Suddenly, I have two little kids jumping on top of me, trying to rip the blanket off me. Unless Ex A wants all of his glory to be hanging around, he can't exactly stop it- so I'm on my own, with Ex A yelling at the top of his lungs. The hellions succeeded- they managed to get part of the blanket off of me while I screamed at them to get the fuck off of me. They laughed and giggled like crazy little boys and ran out of the room. I couldn't believe it. Ex A then sat down and said, "I need a new lock." Yep. You sure do. Later, he added a deadbolt, no joke. That experience lead to our demise, I'm sure, because how was I supposed to face his family, knowing that all of the boys had seen my Fantasyland?

Ex B came a few months later. About six months into our relationship, we were bored. This is the same ex I talked about in a previous blog on my bad luck with vehicles. He is the one that rolled his truck straight into a tree trying to sneak me out of his house at 7 AM. After that incident, we became pretty creative with places to get our freak on. Including using my high school's baseball field. And football field, not long after that.

One night, we crept around behind the school in his truck and looked around to see if the night person was to be seen. He wasn't. There were no vehicles around, so we ran across the football field, to the baseball dugout, and we climbed on top, with our blanket. We laughed hysterically for a while, then eventually we got our heads back and decided to get the heck out of dodge. At this time, my brother was playing summer league baseball, and they had a game either the next day or the day after. I brought my friend along with me and my mom to watch the game. We set up our fold out chairs and started to watch the game. Until there was a yell from a mom just down the way from us. We started eavesdropping, and I suddenly realized...the mom was yelling about her kid picking up a disgusting specimen from behind the dugout. OH, CRAP. I tried to keep a straight face, and my friend was laughing hysterically because it was the funniest thing ever to know someone had actually had sex out there.

Later on, I told my friend it was me and Ex B, and she didn't believe me until Ex B blurted out the story during a party one night. She was proud of me. So was everyone else. We became a legend. Right before school started that same summer, we had an experience on the football field and the night person. The sprinklers not only turned on while we were on the field, but the night person had apparently hidden his truck and saw us running to Ex B's truck. After that the school grounds were off-limits because they had two night people and it was impossible to get around them in such a small space. I have the memories, though. *Evil laugh*

My Google Game

2009-10-08T15:04:00.000-07:00

1. Your Favorite beverage:

I really don't have a favorite beverage...I drink a lot of Powerade and Sobe water, but other than that, I don't have anything on a regular basis that I drink. BUT- I do love Vernors ginger ale. YUM! But, we don't have it out here. :(

2. Your hometown

Traverse City, MI
This isn't my first hometown. That place was the size of a peanut. Traverse is the place I call home because it's where I've spent most of my adult life and where I'd move back to if I could afford it. :)

3. Your favorite TV show

One word: obsessed. I finished the first three season in about two weeks and I'm not going to miss a single episode of season four. You can count on that. I find him, as a character, completely sexy. I don't even know why.

4. Your Occupation/You are in school for

I Googled several different things for this one, but nothing hit my fancy.
Nothing came up for: bored sales associate, disgruntled retail employee,
unhappy girl at work, or girl not getting the position she deserves.
5. Your first car

The car behind these people is EXACTLY like my first car. :) It was a little box and looked nerdy, but it went FAST (thanks to a rebuilt and modified engine). I never had any problems with it- until someone backed over top of the hood in 2004. :(

6. Your favorite dish

I almost started crying when I looked this up. STUFFED GREEN PEPPERS! They look SOOOO delicious right now, I want one. My mommy used to make these for my birthday every year, and since I moved to Phoenix I've made them once. They weren't as good as my mom's. But they are tasty!

7. Celebrity you've been told to resemble

Ew. I know, right? This is a complete joke, but back when I had short black hair and wore pink eye shadow, my cousin told my mom that this guy, Gerard Way, looked exactly like me but a guy. ?!?! I was grossed out. He's in the band My Chemical Romance and I despise them, for the most part.

And obviously I don't look like her, but an ex once told me that I did look like Alicia Silverstone. Of course, I used to have long blonde hair and weighed about 30 pounds less than I do now, but hey, I was flattered.

8. Celebrity on your "to do" list

Sans facial hair. Leonardo DiCaprio...mmm mmmmm. He has only gotten sexier with age, thank God. But I'm pretty sure I was having X-rated thoughts about him when I was only in 6th grade. They have just intensifed since.

9. Favorite Childhood toy

I never really had a favorite toy because I was too busy drawing and painting and coloring, but I had a collection of Trolls anyone would be jealous of. I also have an entire collection of Care Bears, still, but I couldn't find a picture of them. I hear if you rub Trolls' tummies it brings good luck. :)

10. Any Random picture

LMAO! When I saw this it cheered me up immensely because today is kinda...icky. But it goes along with Stephanie's bunny picture. I tried to find a picture of my bunnies with something on their heads but apparently I never uploaded them. So here. Laugh. Look at his chubby cheeks! I wanna rub them!

In A State of...Blah

2009-10-07T14:27:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was probably the most boring day ever for me. I didn't get online, I didn't read any blogs, I didn't write any blogs, and I didn't get on Facebook. I spent four hours trying to call Arizona's DES (Department of Economic Services) because my caseworker never returned any of my (five) messages. I'll have to agree with Stephanie on this one- maybe we shouldn't allow the government take care of our health insurance.

I get my coverage through the state, because I make almost minimum wage and work less than 15 hours a week. I rarely have anything bad to say about DES because I don't have to deal with them but once every three months. However, this time I am very, very disappointed in their work. My caseworker called me a week and a half ago, left a message, and I called back, literally, one minute later because my phone never rang. I left two messages that day. She didn't call back. I called the next day, and she didn't call back. Yesterday, I had to call the FAA Communications Center to report this because otherwise, I'll lose my benefits, which means I won't have any medication (for asthma, kidneys, or bipolar disorder) and we also won't be eating.

The first thing I did when I woke up was try to contact DES. The phone just kept ringing, and ringing, and ringing. I called the FAA number after about fifty tries to DES, and told them my situation. The lady then said I was calling the wrong number and gave me a new number, told me she was going to email my caseworker and let her know the situation, and that I should keep trying to get a hold of her. She gave me the wrong offices number. I technically live in Phoenix- that's the area code I'm in. However, if I cross the street, I'm in Glendale, and the nearest office is just a couple miles up the road, so they directed my case there. Instead of looking to see which office I've been appointed to, she gave me the number for the office that is for my area code, usually, which is pretty far away. I was really mad at this point, because if she said she was emailing the office that handles my case, and it is directed to my caseworker, chances are, this email is going to never get to my caseworker because she ISN'T AT THAT OFFICE.

All day long I tried both numbers. I used 300 minutes of my plan, leaving me 400 for the rest of the month. I'm not really happy. I set my alarm to wake me up early, and I called first thing this morning. The office number was still just ringing, and ringing, and ringing...it doesn't even give me to option to leave a message for any extensions! I was so mad. I finally got through at around noon today, left a message, and it's been two hours. I know these people are busy, but there is no reason not to answer the office phone. All the illegals in the office can wait to be helped while you help a citizen that actually pays taxes, thank you.

(Okay, while writing this I called again. It rang ten times, someone answered the phone, and they put me on hold. NICE!)

I'm just really frustrated because they ask you to give all of this information before the 12th of the month, and if you don't, you basically lose everything and have to start over. I can't afford for this to happen. The only thing I have to mail in are paycheck stubs, but when I transfered stores, they never completed all of the paperwork (how responsible) so my paycheck stubs are lost somewhere. At work I've kept on my manager's case about finding them because I need them, and she finally located them, but they won't be here til Friday. Which means, by the time I mail them, and DES receives them, my case will probably be closed, and I'll have to apply all over again, and the process can take up to 45 days. I just can't wait that long.

What really bugs me about this is that most of the people that work in these offices, do not have educations after high school. I mean, the caseworkers usually go to school to do so, but the people answering phones and running the counter? No. They don't. So why can't they hire a few more people to man the phones while a few others run the counter and take ticket numbers from the illegals? This baffles me. I would gladly sit there and answer phones as a job. I need a full time job. That's the whole reason I'm even getting help from them in the first place.

I've only been to the offices twice. The first office I was at was awful. I had to be there at 7 for an appointment, and the office doesn't open until, 7. My stepmom dropped me off that time, and when we pulled up to this office, there was already a line wrapped around the building (all of them, Mexican), and there were thirty kids running around screaming. Once inside it was worse. I couldn't believe it. I tried to be patient, read my book, and understand that this is what DES does, but I sat there for two hours, while all of these people that spoke NO English were helped first because, well, THEY DON'T SPEAK ENGLISH.

The office I deal with now isn't much difference, except they have an area to wait in if you have kids. So, the adults without kids can wait in peace and quiet, while the parents with kids get to wait in a loud smelly room. I enjoyed that part. They moved quickly, too. If you were just dropping off information, you stood in line, gave them your paperwork, and that is it. The only problem is, NO ONE IS EVER AT THE COUNTER TO ANSWER THE PHONE. Are the people that call not as important because they aren't up there waiting? No, we are people that have lives and actually do have work and things to do, they just have a quick question but it will NEVER get answered because no one knows how to use a phone around there. Sheesh.

Anyhow, it's just a wreck. The government is a wreck. Over 25 MILLION dollars was given to illegals in food stamps and cash assistance last year in Arizona, and we are now in a serious deficit. They decreased the amount of services for EVERYONE because of this, so those of us who pay taxes to get this help when we need it no longer get as much. I'm not a political person, but when it deal with this sort of thing, I will easily argue and bitch and moan about it.

I'm spending the rest of my day doing the same thing as yesterday. I'm not excited. On top of that, the Blackberry I gave Chris in December is acting up, and not letting him use the menu or answer text messages. I called to see how much it would be to replace it, since we have insurance, and it's 90 bucks. I won't complain about the cost because it's better than paying full price, but we just don't have that kind of money right now. Which means if his phones dies, he won't have a phone. And I'm not comfortable with that right now. I don't keep constant tabs on him, but it is nice to text him a question and have him answer, or he'll let me know if he's going to be late.

My blogs are getting increasingly longer and I apologize for that. So much going on in my head though! AHHHH! Anyway, I'll attempt to read and comment as much as I can today, but don't hold it against me if I don't get to you. I don't expect you to read all this either, lol.

Have a good day, readers!

The Letter of Doom

2009-10-05T15:51:00.000-07:00

I am supposed to be working on a letter to my manager and district manager about being given the consideration for a promotion. I finally got the nerve last week to talk to my store manager about it, and she didn't say much when I told her my thoughts on it. I don't think she wants to promote me, and it makes me really mad. She hasn't even taken the time to get to know me since I've transferred to her store. She doesn't want to work with me on anything, and she doesn't give me any responsibilities. She is the one that told me most sales associates show no interest in wanting to be promoted; I think she just ignores them.

All in all, I've had no problems working in my new environment. It's more fast-paced than the other store I worked at, so there is more to do and less time to fill with unnecessary projects, and I like it that way. Only, for sales associates, if it is slow, there is literally nothing for us to do. Our manager just doesn't want to give us any work, so the hours can drag by and it makes work dull. I want more to do. I'm interested in being a manager. I watched the part-time assistant yesterday and she was nonstop busy. She had things to do. Reports to send in. Damages to send out. People to call. Emails to write. What did I do? I stood around. About three hours after being there I had cleaned the entire store and refolded 1200 shirts and that's about all there is to do for an associate. They don't challenge us, yet they say the associates are the ones that show no interest? Right.

So, this letter I'm going to write is going to represent the reasons why I think I should be given a chance. I want to point out all the things I already know, the very small list of things they really have to teach me (since I was already a keyholder), and the things they have to lose. NOTHING. They have nothing to lose. No one has applied for the part-time assistant because no one in this area has manager experience. I DO! AND I ALREADY WORK FOR THE COMPANY! Ugh! Just give me a chance. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. But I know I'll do great.

I can't get started on the letter. I'm at a blank. I don't want it to sound corny, and I don't want to praise myself too much. I just want to make it understood that I am willing to accept the responsibility and the opportunity and I'm serious about it. But when I've already told them that, in person, and they didn't give two shits, how am I supposed to do that in my proposal letter?

I'll probably start writing, and see what comes out, then go from there. At least I'll have something to work with and edit. Maybe ideas will start popping up once I'm on a roll.

The Parking Lot Throwdown

2009-10-05T00:42:00.000-07:00

Saturday was Chris's softball game, and as I said before, he decided to invite D and J, the girls I've been suspicious of. Chris is a little naive. I don't know why, either, because he's a smart guy. But that's the problem- he's a guy. He doesn't get why I act "jealous." It's not jealousy. It's that I know these girls are up to know good.

Anyway, I played nice. And I really tried to be nice. I tried to talk to them, and engage in their conversation; they just didn't want to include me. Why? They were trying to manipulate me into starting a fight with Chris. Yes, yes. These are 19 year old girls here. They will try anything to get more attention for themselves by making another person look bad. They didn't succeed. At the softball game, J left about ten minutes into the game and D stayed alone to watch. I tried to talk to her. But she was glued to her phone. I left her alone after that, and enjoyed myself. I like all the people on the team, so I just talked to them and cheered and clapped, blah blah blah. I had fun. I told D she could sit on my blanket, and she did. And I saw that she had a camera, and the flash was going off every couple minutes. She wanted to take pictures, whatever. I didn't think anything of it.

Then I walked over to take a drink of my water, and saw what she was taking pictures of and recording. It was the softball game. It was just Chris. She was recording him, walking around behind the fence, not doing anything. I was a little bit weirded out, so I stood behind her the rest of the game, and I think she got the hint that I knew what she was doing. After the game they came back to our place, and Chris and I had planned to drink a couple beers, but suddenly it became, "Let's get trashed!" Except for D, who is "expecting" apparently. I don't wanna get into that ordeal. So she didn't drink. But she helped in the drinking games. Chris and I give each other a lot of shit and pick on each other and call each other names and stuff, and it's just fun for us. It's a couple thing. But then D got involved in it, and she started making up her own rules to the drinking game, and made Chris say things that were just...really dumb and Chris was annoyed. I didn't stop it, though, because I was just trying to get along with these girls who he apparently gets along with. Whatever.

Chris left the room for a minute and I tried to start a conversation, and they just stared at me, or looked bored, or gave me weird looks. I gave up. I was feeling uncomfortable in my own home. I finally called Sheri and asked if they wanted to kick it, just so I'd have some friends around, for support or whatever, and she and Scott were down, so we headed over there to play some beer pong and just chill. J claimed she was the beer pong champ, but Sheri chose me to be on her team and we suck. LOL. Seriously. We lost by a lot, but that was fine with me. Sheri and I ignored the rest of the game when the girls played against Chris and Scott, and just chilled outside. Since I told Sheri how I felt about her focusing so much on her life and not enough on caring about her family and friends' lives, she's been really cool to be around. I think she saw how self-centered she was getting and turned it around. I told her I just wasn't comfortable around J and D and she understood, so it was good to have her there.

She passed out right away, though. The rest of the night I had to deal with J and her very full figure in a tube top bouncing around and her chest about popping out of her shirt the whole time. It was gross, no offense. If you are confident in what you are, that is fine, and more power to you. But that doesn't mean my boyfriend and Sheri's boyfriend want to see it; they confirmed that with me today. They weren't happy about that at all. But Sheri and I laughed at dinner about it because, well, it's kind of sad. Anyway, at the end of the night, J and D were talking about going to another party, and it was after two. I wasn't down. Chris kind of wanted to go, but he knew I wasn't okay with that. D drove us back to the apartment once more. On the way, Chris's phone went off in my purse, and I was like, "Who the hell is texting you at almost 3 AM?"

IT WAS D. From the FRONT SEAT, texting Chris, saying, "After we drop your girlfriend off you should come with us to JT's party." You know what I said?

"No, he's not going to JT's party, and why are you texting him in the same car?" And I couldn't help it. Word vomit came out. Everything I had been thinking and feeling just came out. I told her to stop trying to flirt with my boyfriend and get him away from me. I told her she was acting like a skank and being disrespectful to me, and to Chris, by trying to start fights between us. I finally brought up how she was video taping him all night and taking his picture, and shit hit the fan. By the time we pulled into the parking lot, Chris and I were fighting, because he thought I was being controling, D was acting innocent and saying she didn't do anything wrong, and J was sticking up for D, of course, and trying to fight with me.

Yep. I got out of the car, I started yelling like an imbecile, and I'm sort of embarrassed by my behavior. I was drinking. And I was sick of them. They are dumb little girls, and they couldn't get that in their heads. I am 24 years old, I don't play little games, and I don't like drama. I really, really don't. My life was relatively calm up until they came into the picture, and I was okay with that. I wrote blogs about my rabbits and not-so-serious subjects. The last week and a half has been nothing but drama, and it's because of them.

So I was mad. I yelled at Chris, and told him he wasn't going to JT's party. Then J, in all her busting out of her tube top glory, stepped in and got in my face, and started doing that pointing thing that little scrappers do. You know, holding the hand in the air, pointing down with their hand in the shape of an 'L', yelling. "Chris don't have to listen to you, bitch! You're not his mother!"

Oh boy. OH BOY OH BOY. "Get your HAND out of my FACE and move." Are you serious? Chris at this time stepped in the way and told me to go upstairs. D was watching from the car. I didn't even have a problem with J. Not really anyway. I was having a problem with D and her sneaky little antics to be alone with my boyfriend without me in the vicinity. NO. I don't think so. But J is a big girl, and of course, D let her do the fighting. Except, J didn't realize when you stick your finger in my face and try to disrespect me, in MY home, I am NOT AFRAID of you, no matter HOW BIG YOUR CHEST IS and HOW BAD YOUR MOUTH IS. She pushed me. And I snapped.

I don't know if it is appropriate to write it all out, because I don't want to seem like I'm immature or like I'm some street fighter. I'm really not. But I let her have it. I've been doing my kickboxing work out, and I used my jab, cross, hook, elbow thing. ...And it did the job. She kept going, of course, but Chris stepped in and dragged me away from going at her again, and I told them to get away from my apartment, but in a way less polite way. Once I was upstairs, I told Chris my purse was in the parking lot still, and he had to go down, and I was mad because he was seriously going to leave with them. I flipped out on him, and I told him if he left with them, we really were finished and I was going to get on a plane as soon as I had the money and fly back to Michigan. I just don't have it in me anymore.

So he stayed. And he was mad at me. But I told him what D was doing the whole night, and she was still texting him, and he asked her point blank if she did the shit I told him, and she admitted it and explained, "I was just having fun with my new phone and camera." Right. He finally got the hint. She said, "I wanted to be your friend." Right. He said, "I thought I wanted to be friends, but I love my girlfriend and I believe her."

FINALLY! FINALLY!!! No more drama after this!! I'm done! Today I had to work, but I got home and he had cleaned up (for the first time in forever) and he was down to go have a BBQ with Scott and Sheri and we had fun and he laughed when I told Sheri what happened. He was mad last night (I ripped a good shirt trying to get back to fight J I guess...) but today he was fine. I said my apologies and we are OKAY. It felt so good to be eating dinner and feel comfortable and relaxed for the first time in a while. And we didn't argue at all. And even though J and D both texted him today, he ignored them. And I told him honestly that if he really wants to be friends with them, be friends with them, but I don't want them around me and I don't want him to be alone with D. End. Of. Story.

So that was my weekend. I have a very badly bruised elbow and a gash in my foot (uhhh don't know how), and my knuckles are bruised, but other than that, I came out unscathed. I am just glad this is over. :) Okay, onto better things this week!

The Softball Game: Do or Die

2009-10-03T17:56:00.000-07:00

Lately my posts have been focusing more on my personal life than I originally planned for this blog. I really wanted to discuss things like, where to go for great Mexican food, why living with a guy has its ups and downs, and how much I hate the city. Tonight I'm getting ready to go to Chris's softball game, and I'm a little on edge about it, so again I'm getting personal. It's a little different though.

As I mentioned in the last few blogs, Chris has made friends that I'm not particularly okay with, but I haven't told him who he can and can't hang out with, because, that's just not me. They are going to be showing up at his softball game. Not only that, but we will be riding with them. This will be the deciding factor in whether or not I will be okay with his friendship with them.

So far, J has been okay with me. She's friendly, she doesn't text Chris or call him a whole lot, and she doesn't overstay her welcome (most of the time). The thing with being friends with someone (especially a guy) that is in a serious relationship is that you have to be friends with the other half, too, otherwise it's not going to work out and probably cause problems. Chris has dropped most of his single life friends, because they still insist on getting shitty-face drunk and getting into trouble every weekend. Chris was like them, at one point, I suppose. When we first met, it was at work, and I was on a three month streak of being sober for the benefit of my mental health. He was fine with that, and still wanted to hang out and talk to me. Which I thought was cool of him.

Anyhow, about two months into seeing each other, his old roommate came home to their apartment, completely drunk, and slobbering and stumbling, and decided to pick a fight with me, of all people. The thing with me is, if you can't speak coherently or at least make some sense, I will just stare at you. Chris and I had been happily enjoying our night with our old friend Bill, and Bill loved me. He thought I was funny and we even hung out sometimes when Chris was still at work. Bill moved, sadly, a couple months ago, and we haven't been able to replace him. Anyhow, roommate called me the C word. Yes, the deadly C word. Chris didn't hear him, but Bill did, and he was close to punching him. And I just stood up, went to Chris's room, and let them continue their party. Chris soon joined me because he realized his roommate was being a jerk. I told him about it, but Chris wouldn't do anything because his roommate was just like that, and it was the only place Chris had to stay. I understood. He wasn't on the lease, so drunken slob roommate got away with everything but murder while I was around. Finally, though, I stood up for Chris, and it was the end of that.

Everyone thought Chris was whipped, as guys refer to it. A lot of guys catch shit for being whipped by a girl, and that's kind of sad. Just because a guy respects and prefers to make his girlfriend happy does not mean he is whipped. I know the difference between being controled and just being respectful, and I definitely do not and will not ever control Chris. But, his friends bailed. And guess what? Most of them have been in trouble with the law and put in jail in the last year, and guess where Chris is? Living comfortably (even if a little broke) in a two bedroom with me and has a pretty stable life. How many 20 year olds can say that? Even better, he has a girlfriend that loves him and wants the best for him, not just what she wants. I don't tell Chris what to do, even when I know he is wrong. He does make mistakes, and sometimes that really hurts me in the process, but we've gotten through it.

ANYWAY, off track, Chris has chosen this life over being a single party guy and I'm letting him make his own decisions. But I won't let other girls into the picture that just want to drag him out at all hours of the night and try to make him become something he's not. If he chooses to ignore my wishes, I guess I know it really is done between us, however, so far he hasn't made that choice, except once this past Thursday (and he has paid the price because I won't let him live it down and I also have really gotten my way the past few days, haha). These girls are 20 years old, they live together, they party all the time with a bunch of guys and they even look like trouble. I'm not down with that. Even when I was 20 I had no desire to wreck my life. Seems like these girls down care. Tonight I'm going to be a nice person, though, and talk to them, and try to be their friend. Like I've said to a couple of friends of Chris's- any friend of his is a friend of mine. That's usually when the girls bolt. Like, the girl he was talking to on MySpace that he went to school with- I guess she wrote him and said, "Get at me when you're single, I don't do girlfriends." ...Yeah, I can see she's a real friend, Chris. Good Lord.

I have fun at softball games usually, even when I'm sitting by myself, so I'm kinda hoping these girls are cool so I have more fun, but I'm not getting my hopes up. Chris got a text earlier while he was playing a video game and asked me to answer it. It was D (girl he was texting last weekend) and she asked, "Where is the game at hun." ...I answered her question, but I did it in my own way (hahahaha). "It's west of Cholla and 19th Ave. He says if you just pick him up he'll give you directions." HAHAHAHA! She then called a few minutes later and was like, "Um, who was that?" And Chris said, "My girlfriend." That made me do this: -------> :D Who do you think it was, seriously? Gimme a break. And yes, I'm going to the game.

So, there are my plans for tonight. We'll see if it works out. I'm really hoping they don't turn out to be complete snobs. Sometimes even I can seem like a snob when I don't know what to say. The only time that happens, though, is when people make me uncomfortable, then I get quiet. I think most people can agree with that, though. It's hard to start a conversation when you don't feel right. If it doesn't feel right, I'll just tell Chris that I get a bad vibe (even if it is only from D) and that I don't really want her hanging around us. He should respect that, because I'm not a bad judge of character. After all, I like all you, right? :D

Okay, I'm done. I don't even know if I finished my whole point or not, but I'll figure it out later lol. Have a good night everyone!

Karma

2009-10-02T02:53:00.000-07:00

Well, I was going to wait til tomorrow (or morning, at least) to blog about this, but I can't sleep. And I figured I'd get an early start and have less to do tomorrow before work.

I told you guys all about my paranoia and that I've been freaking out. All week long Chris and I have been fighting, and I didn't know where this sudden urge to fight with me came from! We've always been the couple people like to hang out with because we get along so well, and we don't argue in front of people, and we're fun. Last weekend, not so fun. This whole week, definitely not fun. In fact, I'm sure these new people he has been bringing over after work thing I'm a real bitch, with the way that I've been acting.

It really isn't fair, either, because I'm not about to go blurt out to them why I'm acting like this heinous beast. It's not their business. I shouldn't care, either, what they think. I'm sure Chris has told them his version of the story, and they've got their preconceived notions of me. I can't change that. Then again, I shouldn't have to. This should not have been going on at all!

Tonight (last night) was absolutely awful. I already talked about how Chris never had any interest in MySpace until recently. Well, I don't get on much, but I got on a couple times today just to see if he was on, and he was. We didn't have our phones (yay, now we do!), so I had every right to ask him what was going on later. I wanted to go get some food for dinner, and make him a nice meal so that he'd be in a good mood. He got bad news today, about his job, and I just wanted to help.

He kept saying he was busy, or he wasn't supposed to be online. I knew this was bull crap right away. He gets online all the time, and so do all of his friends. So it was a lame excuse not to have to talk to me. And the thing was, I wasn't even trying to be a bitch or fight with him, I just wanted to know what he wanted for dinner!

Finally, around 7:30, he finally messages me and says he'll be a little bit late because his ride had to do something real quick. I figured he didn't usually get home til quarter after 8, so I'd go grab something for dinner, and start making it around 8:30. It'd be done by the time he got home. I decided to make pancakes and eggs, because that is what we always used to have when we first moved in together. We both love breakfast food, so I thought I'd try to redo the one year anniversary that was botched on Tuesday.

It failed. He didn't show up. Come 9, I was a bit anxious. Come 10, I was getting nervous. Come 11, I was pissed. I finally walked to the nearest payphone to try to find J's phone number (that's who he was with) and track them down. The one person that knew it wasn't answering her stupid phone. I was so mad I started crying while I was walking home. Then I started to think something bad had happened. Finally, at quarter after midnight, I decided I didn't give a shit if he didn't give a shit. I wrote him a note that said, "You seem to really care about me and my feelings. Thanks a lot. P.S. I made you pancakes." I left it right where he usually sits so there'd be no way he would miss it. I planned on going to bed, but every time I'd start to drift off, I'd jerk myself awake.

I decided to try to get the phones on then. I paid the balace off, and the service was activated again immediately, thank God. Why he is carrying around a phone he can't use, I don't know, but I'm glad he did. As soon as he answered he knew he was in trouble. I started shrieking about how worried I had been, what a selfish asshole he was being, what the hell did he think he was doing, and about a million other things I'd rather not post here. He apologized, over and over again. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I know, we got sidetracked, I had no way to call you." That's the last time I ever go without a phone. We will get the cable and Internet shut off before we go without our phones. Finally, he says he'll be home in a little bit, they're leaving. I was so mad I just hung the phone up.

Then, I hear outside my window fifteen minutes later, car doors slamming and people talking. Oh no, there should only be ONE door slamming, and it's his. Of course, the inconsiderate jerk decides to invite up J and this other dude I've never met, who spent the duration of his visit in the bathroom throwing up. I was even more livid. It took everything I had not to cause a scene in front of everyone. Being the grown up and well-mannered woman I am, I stayed in the bedroom and vented to myself. Finally, at ONE THIRTY IN THE MORNING, they left, and Chris came in the bedroom, and started to apologize again.

I didn't want to hear it, really. But it gave me leverage. I told him, "You know, I don't care if you go out with your friends, but at least do it when I know where you are and how to get a hold of you." And he said it was his fault, blah blah blah, he should have asked to be dropped off first. He had been drinking, though. I finally got the courage to ask him, "Why did you change your password and why have you been on Myspace so much lately?" And I think his guilt from the night got to him, because he didn't even argue and told me his password, and the reason why he has been online.

He recently got into contact with a girl from school, and they have been messaging back and forth. It's not the girl that I thought it was, but it is still a girl. I asked him why he felt he had to change his password, when he knows I am not the type of person to be nosy or snoopy like that. He didn't have a clear answer for that one. I can only guess that it is because he felt guilty.

He spent the duration of the night in the bathroom being sick. I don't feel sorry for him at all. I've been tearing my hair out all week, trying to patch things up between us, and he has done nothing but make it worse. So I hope this is karma coming back to him. He was very nice and sweet to me before going to bed, and told me he loves me and that he wants to work things out. I'm wondering how long this will last, but at the same time, I'm just glad everything happened the way it did, otherwise I might still be in a rut.

ANYHOW. Whew. That was long. But now you know what happened, and that karma does have its way. :)

Friday Fill-In/Karma

2009-10-02T02:17:00.000-07:00

My Friday Fill-In is as follows:

1. I have a history of cars breaking down when I'm in them.
2. When I will get a better job is something I wish I knew.
3. I'm eating (or recently ate) pancakes for dinner!.
4. Can't wait to get back on the road.
5. So that's it, that's all you have to say?
6. I guess an apology is better than nothing!
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to finally getting some sleep, tomorrow my plans include working and Sunday, I want to get some housework done!

I was going to write a second part to this, but it will have to wait because Benedryl is kicking my butt, and I have to get up early. Bleh. I will definitely write about it tomorrow! You'll like to hear about this. :)

Group Blog Thursday: Books I Loved Growing Up

2009-10-01T14:21:00.000-07:00

This week Stephanie's topic for group blog Thursday is about what books we loved growing up. Personally I love this topic, because my favorite books growing up are nothing like what I read now, or even what I want to write! I never noticed it before, but really, how crazy is it that our taste in books grows as we do? I think I would enjoy going back and reading some of the books I used to, but not necessarily because I really liked the books, but because they're a part of my past! They're the reason I want to be a writer, and the reason I want to spread my own love of books to other people.

My favorite authors used to be V.C. Andrews, Christopher Pike, and R.L. Stine. *LOL!* I can't help but laugh a little bit because, what girl didn't love these authors as a pre-teen or teen? My favorite series was The Last Vampire series, by Christopher Pike. I still have all of these in paperback. I think I might dig them out just for old time's sake. I think my obsession with vampires is the only thing that carried on from my childhood. However, I have no urge to write about them. I would slaughter my fascination with them in my attempt to create a story about them. That's no fun!

Stephanie mentioned that her favorite was Flowers in the Attic by V.C. Andrews, pre-ghostwriter. That series is also one of my favorites. I actually started reading post-ghostwriter, because my mom bought me a paperback while I was in the hospital. It was the first in the series called Orphans. They were separated into four small books, each of them about a different girl in an orphanage, and their experience. I began reading it and was hooked. By then, the ghostwriter for V.C. Andrews was pumping out a new novel every couple of months, so I didn't really get to backtrack to Flowers in the Attic until I was 18 or 19, but I loved it. I still want to read the earlier Andrews' books because she was so dark in her writing. At one point, I really wanted to write novels like this, but later, I realized I wanted to keep them as my entertainment, not as my work (and source of frustration at times!). But she still remains to be one of my favorite authors.

And of course, everyone remembers the Goosebumps series, right? Right. Well, I was a little too mature for Goosebumps, despite my mom not thinking so. Ha ha. I started reading R.L. Stine's other series, directed towards teen girls, about crazy girlfriends, and ghost best friends, and haunted houses on Fear Street. I loved horror even when I was just 12, but my mom wouldn't let me read her Stephen King books. Instead, she fed my thirst by handing me the book Sunburn by Stine's. I loved it, and still have it (I still have most of my paperbacks from middle and high school...sue me). These are the books that made me want to write, especially for teenagers whose parents don't want them to read more mature works. If my mom hadn't steered me towards these books to tide over my hunger for reading, I might never have come to writing, and even submitting my first novel to be published!

I guess this means I should really thank these authors for getting me started on something that I haven't been able to stop. You've inspired me and filled my mind with the craziest situations, but that were so real I could believe them. And now, I'm trying to create the same visuals for teenagers (and adults, hopefully) and hope that I can only be compared to you later in my career. Thank you!

Inspiration to My Ears/MySpace: All Drama, All The Time

2009-09-30T14:51:00.000-07:00

Oh, I just LOVE doing group blogs and doing my part when I'm tagged in something! This week Miss Susan decided to tag all of her readers to post seven songs that have inspired us in our lives. She decided to post seven that inspired her while writing her YA novel. I'm pretty sure all of us use music in our writing to set the mood. I do it, too, but I usually have artists that play nonstop during my writing process.

So I'm going to go with the flow here and post seven songs that have inspired me in my life. Because there are so many, I'm going by the play count on my iTunes. At one point, I know that one song got over 200 plays, but then my computer crashed and I had to start over. :-/ Boo hoo!! However, there are a few that have gotten many many plays, so I'll start picking my seven from there!

1. Tired and Uninspired by My American Heart
2. The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot by Brand New
3. The Best I've Ever Had by Vertical Horizon
4. Jesus by Brand New
5. Staplegunned by The Spill Canvas
6. Here We Stand by Amber Pacific
7. Split Screen Sadness by John Mayer

If I really had to go by my play count all but two would be Brand New, so I limited it to two Brand New Songs. But I really love all of these songs so it works out, and they do inspire me, in everyday life and in my writing. Woo hoo!

If you can't tell, I'm in a much better mood today, and I'm pretty thankful because my weekend was so hideously crappy I could have stayed in bed with a bottle of sleeping pills at my bedside and been content to take one every time I woke up. Yesterday at work I was a bag of Mexican jumping beans because, well...I'm just nervous. I used to know what to expect when I got home from work. Now, I'm not sure what will be going on. And it's all because of a stupid site that I decided to take an extended absence from due to lack of interest and too much drama. Even when I'm not on it, it causes drama. It's ridiculous.

Confused? Me, too! Well, let me tell you pointe blank. Chris has a MySpace. A couple months back, he finally added me as a friend, and he was never on it, so I was always updating it for him. He didn't give a crap, and sometimes it was a blessing because most of the time, girls will turn to MySpace for information their boyfriend isn't telling them.

Well, Chris changed his password. Maybe he wanted his privacy, and that is fine. I didn't ask about it and I left it alone. It is his space, after all. The only reason I ever got on was when he was there with me, and we were uploading pics or whatever. The problem is, his password changed last week, before everything went down, so it just added to my nervousness about the stickiness between us. The only reason I don't ask him straight out is, well, he won't believe I knew last week. He'll think I found out this weekend and that I was being snoopy, but I really wasn't, at all. I sound so desperate in maintaining my innocence in all of this, but I am desperate. I'm not jealous or snoopy or nuts. It's a coincidence. And I keep telling myself it is just a coincidence that he changed his password around the time he decided he wasn't moving to Michigan and he almost broke it off with you. That is all.

But, I forgot that I had added his new girl friend J as a friend sometime last week. She seemed cool, and she invited us over to have drinks so I thought maybe it'd be nice of me to add her. Well, she hasn't accepted my friend request, and her profile is on private, so I have no idea if that means anything. I don't know if she's friends with D (the other girl), and I don't know if Chris and her talk. That makes me nervous. It sounds pathetic to confront him about stupid MySpace, though.

The thing that made me nervous at work though, was the fact that Chris had logged onto MySpace everyday since Friday. Usually, he is NEVER on there. Ever. He has told me on several occasions that he wants to delete it. Not only that, but he jumped right on changing his status to single. It took him almost eight months to change it to "In A Relationship," but he remembers right away to change it to "Single"? Maybe I am just crazy...But I did ask him about that. And he said he did it Monday, when he was at work and sure that we were done, but I'd have to disagree, because it wasn't changed when I looked at his page about an hour before he got out of work. UGH! Stupid, stupid MySpace!

The good news in all of this is that, even though I only work like, twice a week most of the time, the part-time assistant manager Amber is freakin' awesome and we get along really well, and when I told her what was going on, she completely understood. She told me if her b/f was acting funny she'd be doing the same things. And all of you have comforted me in the fact that I'm not acting like a total paranoid freak, and it makes things a little easier. I've said it before, but seriously, I have no friends here, at all, so when I read your comments, I breathe easier. :) You guys, and Amber, make me feel sane! Chris has made me feel like I'm just being nosy and trying to find something on him, but I know I'm not doing anything wrong now.

Anyhow, Cooper is chewing on the cords behind the TV so I have to go whoop his ass (just kidding!). I'm going to work on the novel for a little while, and see how that comes along. I wrote quite a bit this weekend, but got sidetracked in all the drama. I'm shooting for at least ten pages today.

Happy Hump Day!

Words Are Louder Through Tears

2009-09-29T14:33:00.000-07:00

So, I just wanted to update you in this hellish ordeal I'm going through. Once I am done with this whole thing I can get back to writing about things that actually interest me and not just the things that have been bothering me hardcore since Saturday.

Chris and I talked Sunday for a little while, but it was crap. It was a crap talk and nothing was accomplished because he is a typical guy. Well, really, he is not a typical guy, because instead of looking uncomfortable when I was crying, I could tell he was also hurting. He kept his mouth shut and listened to me, but for some reason, he just didn't want to admit I was right in anything I was saying. If he can't admit that there is a problem in this whole scenario, then there would be no point in me pointing out said problems (with a pointer stick). I really needed a large paper pad on an eisel, so I could draw out a diagram of how one thing lead to another, and slap it every time I was making an important point.

Nothing was accomplished, as I was saying. So yesterday, he went to work. I was miserable. I just feel awful when there is a bad situation surrounding me but I can't resolve it. I don't like people being upset with me when I have no idea what I have done. It isn't fair. Therefore, all day, basically, I did nothing. Well, I did laundry and organized the bedroom a bit better, but it was just a show. I tried to act like nothing was wrong, when really, this "break up" was eating at my soul.

Chris then messaged me online. He said that he had been reading my Facebook and saw that I was talking shit about him. Correction: WRONG! Wrong, wrong, wrong. I will tell you what was said "in the heat of the moment," and then I will tell you why he is wrong.

My long-lost cousin commented on my status, because I said that I hated all men and that I was sick of girls getting the rap for being dramatic, but if men weren't idiots then we wouldn't have to act like this. My cousin then commented and said, "Whoa! What did I do?" I can't remember everything I said in my reply, but basically, the thing Chris was mad about was the fact that I said somewhere in my rant that, "If he had a car I would smash all his windows in. Not really, but still. That's how mad I am."

Okay, *slaps pointer* this is not talking "shit". This is emphasizing how mad and upset I was over the whole situation. Just because he keeps his mouth shut (which, really, I will never really know because I don't talk to any of his friends and have no interest in talking to them) when he is upset doesn't mean everyone does. This is my way to vent, to get things out of my system so I can then become a normal human being to converse with him, instead of the angry beast I am in the heat of the moment. I told Chris this: "I was mad, I don't know what you want me to say. I'm sorry? I didn't say anything bad about you, and I also said, 'Not really' right after I made that comment."

He didn't care. He just kept saying, "I just don't think this is going to work out, this won't work, I can't do this," and every other form of "we are done" that he could come up with. Which, honestly, isn't anything new. He already said that, so why does he keep pointing it out? Ugh. It was just upsetting me.

Finally, he said, "I'm at work, so we'll talk about this when I get home." Which I didn't mind. I finished my stupid chores and went about my merry way (okay, it wasn't so merry, I slammed clothes in drawers and threw dirty ones in the washer). He shows up a little after 8, and says he has to go get something, and he'll be back in a little while.

I don't want to say what said something is, but it is nothing good. And I was pissed at this point. It took everything I had not to start throwing things around my room, but it would accomplish nothing, so I just said, "We need to talk, I've been waiting to talk to you. Which is more important, this something or me?"

Chris looked at me, like he knew no matter what he was screwed so he said, "You, obviously, but I have a ride and I have to go get it." I just said "whatever" and he made a remark about how it would only take a few minutes and he'd be right back. Some reassurance, and I didn't believe him for a minute. Mind you, after I had asked him about this girl (D) he had been texting, he said she was in California with her boyfriend and she hadn't been with her friend J Monday morning or night, so I just kept my mouth shut. I know better than to believe this junk. She may have a boyfriend in California, but that doesn't mean crap. He's in California, not here to watch this girl. Not saying it's all her fault, because it most definitely isn't, but, anyhow.

I waited over an hour. This errand, that should, really, have only taken twenty minutes, took over an hour. I was mad. I was pissed. I don't know where this new Chris came from. I have no idea. This is not the guy I started dating last fall. I know he has his faults, and I know things change, but not overnight. When did I miss the transition? Where was I? And why had it happened? I know things get rocky sometimes when a couple is stressed, but this is ridiculous. He is a totally different person.

Anyhow, finally, after ten o'clock last night (he originally got home around ten after eight), I got to talk to him. Everything just poured out. I don't even remember half of the things I said, but I remember at one point I asked why all of a sudden he didn't want to move to Michigan with me, and why he had been acting so weird. His answer is always that he doesn't want to leave Phoenix. I pointed out *slaps pointer* several times that if he moves with me, and decides it isn't for him, he can come right back, and pick up where he left off. It's not like he has anything here. That sounds really bitchy, but before I came along, he literally had nothing. I'm not exaggerating. The boy has had a hard life, and I just want to help him and make it easier. I'm not trying to control him, or make him do something he doesn't want to do. I just want to show him what other options he has.

Finally I said, "It's like you're saying that I'm not worth the move to Michigan." And maybe that was a low blow, but you know what his reply was?

"Obviously if I don't want to go to Michigan with you you're not worth it."

...The old Chris would never have said something like this. I just...I couldn't believe it. I still can't believe it. Who is this dickhead (sorry, language) that suddenly took over his body?! I dropped onto the bed at this point, because I had nothing to say. What else could I say? He said it all. I'm not worth risking a move to Michigan. The worst part was, all I could think about was how I had basically spent every penny I'd saved moving in with him and saving him from going to jail back in November, and now I am broke, but he can't just move to Michigan for a little while, to see how he likes it. It's not like he wouldn't be able to come back to the same exact place he would be if I moved. I'm taking my name off of the lease, and without my name on the lease, he can't be here. So, he will be homeless. And if he has any friends that offer him a place to live, well, I'm sure they'll still be here 6 months after the fact.

So, the whole conversation after that kind of centered around the fact that if he was having second thoughts about moving with me across the country, he could have just said that, instead of dumping me and acting like a jerk for an entire weekend. I told him, "If you don't want to move with me when the time comes, fine. But why are you breaking up with me now over this?" And maybe that is selfish, since right now I have nowhere else to go and have been sorta dependant on him. But I'm not saying it because I'm being selfish- I'm saying it because I love him and I want to at least have the next nine months with him if I won't have him after that.

And he started going on and on about how we want two different things and he doesn't want to waste time doing that and blah fuckin' blah. Doesn't this sound like the speech of a cheater to you? I've heard it before. A few times, unfortunately. And I've heard my friends repeat it to me after their boyfriends say the same thing. By the time he was done with his three sentences I had about had it with his excuses. At that point, I was fed up with acting like his mother. I'm not his damn mother. I am (was) his girlfriend, and either he loves me enough to be with me, and figure things out in the next nine months, or he doesn't. I shouldn't have even given him that choice, because he blatantly told me I'm not worth the move to Michigan, and it crushed me so badly that I felt like I was 16 again and going through my first break up all over again.

But I did, I gave him the choice. And he said, "I love you, I want to be with you. But I don't want to move to Michigan right now. I want you to stay here."

There ya have it. We made up. That doesn't mean shit is fine between us, though. You best bet I'm keeping tabs on him. I am not going through this again. I'm going to be the one in control next time. This morning the girl J came to pick him up and I was right out in the living room, being polite and nice and sweet like I usually am. She was wearing an outfit that I actually have, so it was easy to say, "I love your outfit," but I'm just waiting for her friend to come back from Cali and visit. J doesn't seem all that bad, but you know how these girls are...they stick together, so I'm guaranteeing that if something is going on, she knows and supports it, or she knows and isn't stopping it.

This blog is already way too long, so I'm stopping here. I'll try to keep you guys in the loop if you care to know, though. I've gotta get ready for work currently, and my medication has thrown me for a loop so I feel whacked out. Should be a fun night.

Thanks for your support in all of this, and I hope everyone has a happy Tuesday.

Not Such a Fairytale

2009-09-28T18:42:00.000-07:00

I know my last two posts were a bit depressing, so I wanted to write something a little more cheerful. I really couldn't think of anything in my blank state of mind, then it suddenly occured to me-

I brought up Chris B. in one of my previous posts, whom was my REAL first love, and it ends with a happily ever after (or happily ever to-be-continued, whichever way you want to think of it). I figured you might want to read something about it. :)

Well, once upon a time, there was a nerd who lived in a box. Okay, it wasn't a box, and I wasn't quite a nerd, but it adds to the story. She had two very good friends she used to spend all of her time with, and it brought her to a basketball game. This nerd hated basketball, but decided to go, since she had nothing else to do.

At this basketball game, she caught sight of the cutest boy she had ever seen. He had blonde hair, and brown eyes, just like her, and he was the sweetest thing. In fact, he was so sweet, he walked right up to her and offered her a Starburst candy.

"Would you like a Strawburst?" the cute boy asked the nerd.

The nerd, so in awe that this boy would offer her anything, shook her head, but she smiled because he had said Strawburst instead of Starburst, and also because he had the cutest smile ever. He then offered her some Skittles, but the nerd told him, "I am getting braces, and I'm not supposed to eat sticky candy with my mouth piece." The cute boy shrugged, and left her in the bleachers to join the rest of his friends.

The nerd wanted so badly to follow him, and talk to him, but she just couldn't; she was a mere 12 years old, and he seemed older. There was no way he would ever want to be seen talking to her.

Later on that night, the nerd asked her friend about the boy. Her friend then told her, "That is Chris B. He is really cute, but he's moving to Illinois this week."

The nerd was crushed. The first boy that had ever paid her any attention was moving! What were the odds of that? She then asked her friend if she could get his new address, and her friend said she could, because they were good friends.

It took several months for the nerd to build the courage up to write the cute boy. She kept writing and re-writing letters, but she never had anything interesting to say to this boy she had only met once. One day, after a particularly long night of letter-writing, the nerd's mother said to her, "I ran into some old friends at the grocery store today."

The nerd could really care less, but feigned some interest, anyhow. "Oh yeah?"

"Yes, do you remember Chris B. and his sister K?"

The nerd perked up at this. "Chris B.? You used to babysit Chris B.?"

Her mother laughed at her, and told her, "Yes, of course! You two used to be inseparable! He was your first kiss, you know."

Suddenly, the nerd had something to write to the cute boy about. She could tell him that her mother used to babysit him, and what a coincidence it was that they used to be best friends! She set out to write the letter that night.

Just a couple weeks later, she received a surprise in the mail. Cute boy had written her back, and it was no short letter; it was several pages long. He told her that he had asked his own mother about her story, and she remembered it as well. They had, indeed, been each other's first kisses.

They became very good friends, and were pen pals for several years. Finally, cute boy moved back to Michigan, and they were able to actually meet up for the first time in years. The nerd already had a boyfriend, but she set her cousin and cute boy up to go to homecoming together. They had a lot of fun at the dance, and became even better friends.

As time went on, though, the two friends grew apart, as it happens when you graduate from school. The pair hadn't seen each other in almost six years, yet again, when they happened to run into each other at a party. The exchanged numbers, and for a while they dated. It seemed like a perfect match, but it turns out, they made better friends than lovers.

The pair parted ways and ever since, have been close. Cute boy now is with a very beautiful girl, but writes the nerd often and they miss each other very much. Every time the nerd visits Michigan, they meet up and talk, just like old times. He is one of her best friends, and he tells her she is one of his best friends, as well. They both hope their friendshipship will stretch on for years to come.

And they now live happily ever, er, well, you get the point.

The end.

(Or, the middle.)

Trials and Textulations

2009-09-28T14:41:00.000-07:00

Listening To: Chris Botti- When I Fall In Love album

I had a long weekend, to say the least. I discovered about a thousand new things that I didn't want/need to know. But, now I do. It's up to me to choose how to use all this information; however, right now I just don't want to process it. So I'm choosing not to, for right now. It's hard enough to even think about the tiny things that went wrong, let alone the big picture. I need to find a new job, stat, so I'm focusing on that (except right now, while I type this blog- I need a break).

If I had a full-time job, some extra money, and no responsibility, I would take a vacation right now. Even if it was only to Michigan, I would go for a couple days, just to get away. I don't, though. In fact, my cell phone got shut off this morning because I'm three days late on my bill. Yes, three days. Some leeway they give for those of us in desperate times. So I'm stuck here, in Phoenix, the place I hate most in the world, without a penny to my name, and so many thoughts that if I actually had a penny for every one of them, I'd be rich beyond belief.

I started taking all of my medication again yesterday. I know this is going to be rough on me, and I don't feel like taking a risk and going through it all without help from those pills. If I lose my creativity for a time, that is fine with me- so long as I'm not pulling my hair out and screaming every five seconds. I stopped taking Tegretol back in April because it dulled my senses and my personality. Most creative writers have spectacular senses, and outgoing personalities, even if they attempt to hide them. This works against me, because my feelings just start bursting out of my mouth and I go nuts. I'd rather not have that happen right now. I need to keep my shit together so I can wade through it all with a clear head. All right, it won't be clear, it'll be somewhat foggy, but at least I won't be crying my eyes out like I did all weekend.

*Insert huge sigh here* I just don't know what to do (with myself). Anyone that goes through a breakup with someone they love and live with is bound to experience everything I'm feeling right now. My problem is, even after I spoke to my mom, and tried to get things together, I'm still in the same place. That is because Chris is my sole supporter. He supported me going part-time with my job, so I have no money. He supported me giving up talking to my dad, who only made me upset every time we talked, so I have no contact with my only family out here. This makes me suseptible to "helpless ex-girlfriend" syndrome. Never heard of it? It's that sickness ex-girlfriends get when they think they have no way out of a situation because they fully depended on their ex, and now without him/her, life is falling apart.

Maybe I'm being a drama queen, but I'm going to allow myself to be so because I seriously am stuck in a rut. Without money, I'm doomed. I have nothing/no one here in Phoenix. My parents back in Michigan are in a bad situation, themselves, so they can't help. And that about sums it up. Unless I become a Lady of the Night (not really), I'm pretty much stuck here until I find a fantastic full-time job.

On top of all of this, I found out that there is probably another girl involved in this whole situation. Perfect. With me it seems there always is. The worst part is, I wouldn't even know unless I hadn't given in to my curiosity last night and been a snoop. Chris and I share a phone service. How silly of me, right? Yes, we share a phone service. I allowed him to be on my account so that he wasn't wasting money on that prepaid nonsense. Well, our phones are shut off, so I picked up the Blackberry that I had allowed him to use, and went to put it up on the dresser, and suddenly, I had this urge to see who he had been texting all weekend. Usually he has about ten million texts to scroll through because he doesn't delete them. He rarely has to because once the inbox is completely full the Blackberry takes it upon itself to delete them. What are the chances that the Blackberry happened to delete them all last night before he went to bed? I'd say slim to none.

There was one lone text in the outbox, that was sent about the time I decided to come out of the bedroom and watch TV with him. It was to a girl. A girl he supposedly was getting rides with to work for the last week and a half or so. Except, she doesn't work with him anymore, her friend does. The only reason this struck me as odd is because on Friday night, before any of the drama went down, this girl and her friend came over for a while after dropping Chris off. Her friend, J, is perfectly nice. I like her. She has come in before dropping him off and has always been really nice to me. D, though- I've never met, until Friday. She came in with J, and they all hung out. I was in the process of scrubbing down the tub and sink, so I wasn't paying much attention, but when I walked into the living room, she glared at me, went out on the patio to say something, then left the apartment, without introducing herself or anything. I asked Chris that night about who she was, and he just said, "That's D, the one I told you about." Uh, no you didn't. But maybe I had temporarily blanked out during a conversation and didn't hear him. I let it go.

This one text message was sent to this girl, that I had never really heard about, the weekend Chris and I have a falling out, out of NOWHERE, and it says: "did you already pass out for the night?" What would go through your head if this was you? Well, the first thing that crossed my mind was, "Why is he asking this girl if she passed out for the night? Why does he care? And why, suddenly, is he texting her?"

Maybe I'm just paranoid. But I know I'm not. I am not the jealous type. I don't just assume people I trust are betraying me without having some gut feeling that they are, and with some sort of proof that something is going on. Now, mind you, I have been talking to B, but Chris knows this. I've texted him in front of Chris and if Chris asked who it was, I said, "My friend B, in Michigan." I don't care. We don't talk about anything that Chris can't know about. Mainly it has focused around his fiance leaving him, and I'm just an open ear. But Chris has never mentioned talking to D. Ever. I'm pretty sure of that. I have a wonderful memory, unlike him. After I found it, I had to ask him about it.

Chris is a terrible liar. He starts trying to be confusing by saying, "Remember, back ten months ago, when I said that so-and-so from work was arguing with blah blah blah and..." Yeah, no I don't remember that, just get to the point and answer my question: "Why are you texting this girl that I don't know and have never heard of?" "Because, I just wanted to see what she was up to." "When did you two become friends?"

He had no straight answer. None. He kept running in circles. "We've always been friends! We used to work together! She gave me a ride home once!" None of them made any sense as to why this weekend, the weekend he decides he doesn't want to move to Michigan with me anymore, the weekend we break up, they are suddenly in texting contact with each other. Then again, maybe I'm just paranoid.

But, like I said, I'm not. I know something is up. I've been with him for a year (tomorrow). I know when something is wrong, or not right, or up. I know these things. I've been cheated on by every boyfriend (except B, respectively) I've ever had, so I KNOW the signs of someone lying to cover shit up.

Ugh. I'm rambling on about this, I apologize. I'm just trying to make sense of it all. In times of trials and tribulation, it's not uncommon for a man to stray from his significant other. I know this. It's the cliche of relationshiphood. But, I really thought Chris and I had it together. We were leaning on each other for support. We talked openly about things. He knows more about me than even my best friends do. So why, if he really isn't being unfaithful, can't he just say, "Yes, we've been texting, and I've been thinking about me and you and I'm confused." BECAUSE! He's not a chick! That is why! He is a man, and men can't just come right out and say why they are doing the things they are doing! UGH!

Anyway, I'm done ranting. I know I didn't get around to commenting a lot this weekend, so I'll try to catch up today. Hope everyone else had a better weekend than I!

P.S. On top of everything, my left eye won't stop twitching. It's been going nonstop for roughly 36 hours. The cause- stress. It is a fact.

Series of Unfortunate Ex's Pt. II

2009-09-27T00:31:00.000-07:00

So, in my last post I wrote about the "ex" from when I was twelve coming back into my life. It was quite the experience. R happened to reappear again recently, and he is now living with someone and happy with that. I'm glad for him. That just means that he will not bug me anymore about getting back together and I won't have to deal with the drama of it all.

Now, onto ex #2. B and I met my first day of freshman year. Coincidental since on my first day of freshman year R happened to drop back into my life, as well. Anyhow. B and I had first hour English class together at first. He sat on the other side of my cousin in class. Within minutes of sitting down and preparing for class to begin, B leaned over, and whispered to my cousin. She giggled loudly and looked over at me. She had to wait until after class to tell me what he said, but apparently, his words were, "Your cousin is hot, she looks like Alicia Silverstone." Despite the fact that no, I do not look like Miss Silverstone whatsoever, I was sort of flattered. I already had a boyfriend at this time, D, so I wasn't interested in finding any admirers, but it was nice to get off to a good start. B was a sweet kid, but very immature. Like most freshman boys, he was still in the "booger and farts are hilarious" stage in life. I was not. I never really was in that stage, for that matter.

My schedule ended up changing a few days later to fit with the Algebra class I switched into, so I no longer had class with B. However, it didn't stop his interaction with me. His little clique sat at the opposite end of the lunch table I sat at with my newfound best friend. B had a girlfriend. Her name was A. She was a junior. I have no idea what a junior girl was doing with a freshman boy, but they obviously had something going together. I don't know what it was, and don't care to. It disturbed me. B was constantly making comments to me about how hot I was and that he wanted to grab my, uh, chestal area, if you will. I got pretty mad about it eventually and told D. After that, B called me several bad names and D threatened to do physical harm to B. Our interaction stopped then. Until the beginning of our junior year.

Like most schools, October is the month for football games and homecoming. We always did float building, but I had never participated because my mom would never drive me. It was kind of a pain in the ass and hurt my social standing, but there wasn't much I could about it. D and I were having troubles at this point, and I had told him that I needed a break. I had been with him over two years by this time, and had spent the summer trying to juggle being his girlfriend and being R's friend (yes, I did hang out with R a lot that summer, but I didn't do anything unfaithful). D's jealousy ended up being the kicker for the end of our relationship, and I suddenly had tons of free time. I decided to use it wisely and did the float building thing with my friends.

At this point, I had become friends with S, and she hung out with B a lot. They were in the same clique, and it was convenient because I had just started showing actual interest in B. He had grown up. He wasn't the same nerdy little freshman making fart jokes at the lunch table and yelling crude remarks to girls in the hallway. He learned to be respectful, and he was really quite sweet. He had recently ended his relationship with another girl, and was also trying to have fun being single. We couldn't help but flirt a little bit, though. Our rocky past was forgotten and we became friends.

This meant, we hung out a lot together with our friends, in a group, and we flirted but never actually did anything about it. Float building lasted a week, and one night, my friend D drove us home. I knew D had taken an interest in me, but really, I hadn't noticed much. I wasn't interested in him. We dropped B off first, and I decided to get out and walk him up to the door, so that I would have some privacy. At the door, B stopped, and looked at me. "I really like you, you know," he said. "I know, and I like you, too," I told him. And we kissed. And that was how it really started.

Now, D (the ex I was on a break with) didn't like being away from me. He started showing up at my float building, because he lived right next door, and was pestering me. Our class advisor had to ask him to leave several times, and finally it came to the point where I screamed at him in front of my entire class to fuck off. He still didn't get the point. He kept calling my house every night, and my mom would always tell him I wasn't there. I should explain beforehand that my mom and I didn't get along at this time, and she thought I was being a bitch to D, even though she didn't understand that he was sort of abusive to me (I won't get into that). I came home one night and she had packed my backpack with clothes and thrown it out on the porch, telling me to leave. I walked two miles to the freshman float building, where my other friend and AL lived. She was D's sister, but she knew how awful he was being to me. I told her about the fight with my mom, and she told me I could ride home with her. Her mom was always really awesome to me, because she knew how bad my mom could get sometimes. When her mom picked us up, I told her what had happened and she was more than happy to let me stay there. D wasn't supposed to be home until later that night, but as soon as he found out I was staying there he came home.

All of a sudden, a dreadful night for me became worse because D was harassing me and crying about being together again and how hurt he was by what I was doing. He had graduated the year before, and it was sort of disgusting to watch a "man" act like he was. It made me uncomfortable, and he wouldn't even listen to his mom tell him to leave me alone. It finally came to the point where I called B and he came and picked me up. I ended up staying at his house that night, and we officially became a couple homecoming weekend.

We went to the dance together, took pictures, laughed, and had a ton of fun together. He really was a great guy. He was a gentleman, and sweet, and funny, and smart. He treated me like a princess. He told his mom (who was not unlike my own mother, unfortunately- they were both drunks) that he loved me and wanted us to be together a long time. I couldn't believe my good fortune, but at the same time, I was very confused. I had been through a lot the last few months and now suddenly, another guy was proclaiming his love for me, though we'd only been together a couple months.

I ended up breaking up with him because I needed time to think. We ended up getting back together, but once again, I broke up with him because we were moving too fast. I knew I was leading him on, and messing around with his heart and head, but I didn't know what to do. High school was such a confusing time for me, and add to the fact that my mom was being investigated by CPS, and it was just plain hell. Things at home were in constant array, and even though I really did care for B, and it maybe went as far as loving him, my life was too complicated and I didn't want to drag him through my emotional hell.

This went on and off until April of 2002. We didn't have any classes together, but we always sat together before classes in the cafeteria. I sat across from him, prepared to tell him that, I knew I had broken up with him again and hurt him, but I just needed to figure out what was happening at home. I was confused, but not about him. I just didn't want him to be caught in the middle, and I didn't want him to see me worked up all the time. I was prepared; I was hoping he would understand, and be patient while the investigation was going on, and then afterwards, maybe we could work things out. I never even got to tell him, because the new girl, M, came bounding up to the table, sat beside him, wrapped her arms around him, and laid her head on his shoulder.

I remember this so well. I can still remember what he was wearing, what she looked like, how it felt, and what I wanted to do with her head. I just stood up, though, and walked away. And that was the last time B and I had any personal contact. Of course, we went to the same school still, and in our senior year we finally had classes together, but apparently he and M and fallen madly in love and that was it. They planned to be together forever. We all graduated and went on our merry little ways, and I had gotten involved with my ex-fiance, and things were dropped. I didn't see B at all in four years, despite living in the same town the entire time. Then one night, I was hanging out with his brother (we had always been friends) and playing some video games, and B just dropped by. The entire summer I had spent hanging out with his brother I never saw him, then he just showed up. We were both surprised to see each other, but we didn't talk. I felt nervous, and my stomach was all bunched up. I didn't know what to say.

I ened up going home, because I didn't know how to act and it was sort of uncomfortable. He was still with M, and even though I never really got to know her, she didn't like me. She worked at the pharmacy I had my prescriptions at and the last things I needed was her to find out I had been hanging out with her boyfriend. It would just give her more leverage to hate me and be mean. I know, I'm a sensitive being.

That was 2007. It is now 2009 (duh). Back in April, I got a call from a Michigan number, and didn't answer it. They left a voicemail, and when I listened to it, I realized it was B. We had become friends on Facebook not long before that, and he'd got my phone number from it. I remember my heart stopping, then jumping around again. I didn't want to talk on the phone with him. I hate talking on the phone. But I texted him. And we've been texting him ever since.

About two weeks ago, after seven years of being together, M told B she wasn't in love with him anymore, and hadn't been for a while. B told M to pack her stuff and get out of his house. He's been going through a rough time. I have been trying to do the best I can as a friend, to help him out and make him feel better, but there's only so much to say. It sucks being dumped, after putting so much into a relationship. He wanted to marry her. That's what he had been planning to do this entire time; settle down, buy a house, get married, have kids. He bought the house she wanted, and he was planning to propose. Then suddenly, she just didn't want it anymore.

I can understand what he is going through, and it makes me hurt for him. I remember when my ex fiance and I broke up, and I had to leave him because of how he was. It didn't make it any easier that I was the one to finally say we were done. It hurt so much, made my heart physically ache, my stomach felt like it was being torn out, my throat suddenly felt tight and like I'd never take another breath. So we've been talking. But we've been talking about the past, and how great of a time we had together. He never held a grudge against me, but he told me he still had strong feelings for me for a long time. He hoped we would run into each other; but we never did. I guess it's sort of a sick joke.

I guess I should fill you in about how we're going through the same thing right now. Chris told me this morning that he doesn't want to move to Michigan, and that it won't work between us. Yes. Two days before our one year anniversary he drops this on me, and I'm pretty torn up. We had made the decision that once our lease is up in May, we were going to move to Michigan to be closer to my family, because he has no family here. Apparently he changed his mind and told me he's not going to lead me into thinking we're staying together after that. The bad part about all of this is, I'm broke. So I have no choice but to stay living with him, in this apartment, until I can move back to Michigan.

So, B and I are going through similar situations, and suddenly we're connected. It's just really rough. Things were already pretty bad, and add to this the fact that I am now stuck in this desert without a soul to lean on, and it makes it that much worse.

I don't understand the cycle of things in this world, whatsoever. This blog was supposed to be about closing up the past when it was left open for so long, but now it isn't closing because B and I now share something pretty emotional and we understand each other too well. How can you close something when right now, it seems like the only thing you have to hang onto? At least I have another person to share my misery with. It makes it hurt a little less, to know I'm not alone in going through this. Someone else understands right now how I feel.

I guess B isn't really an unfortunate ex, in this case.

Am I being punished for keeping in contact with my ex's? Is that why this suddenly happened to me? I'm not sure. But I guess I have time to figure it out, because I'm back to being single. I just never figured it would hurt so much the second time around. It really does, though. It stings like hell.

Series of Unfortunate Ex's Pt. I

2009-09-26T05:06:00.000-07:00

Right now, I am having a serious problem. Why is this?

I have conflicts coming from all sides, and it's becoming a disaster.

In April, I had an ex-boyfriend contact me. Wait, let me edit that- TWO ex-boyfriends. :-/ It was a pretty stressful month, to say the least. I don't have feelings for either of them, anymore, I will admit honestly. However, it still made me think way too hard for my own good.

This blog is about R.

I dated R for a whole six months or so when I was in like, SIXTH or SEVENTH grade. The only reason this even affected me at all was because 1) he contacted me out of nowhere and 2) in my 9th grade year he made changing schools a living hell.

I started 'going out' with him in 6th grade. It was completely harmless. Well, sort of. He lived across the street from my cousin at the time, and I spent a lot of time at my cousin's. Even though I had known him for most of my life, he suddenly became that "object of obsession" and I had a crush on him. My cousin and I started talking on the phone constantly and we couldn't get enough of him.

I began "dating" him in February, 1998 (if you could even call it dating). He gave me a necklace with a heart, lock, and key on it, as a token of his affection. I lost said necklace in the lake that same summer (this makes me laugh currently because, really, this jewelry lasted as long as we did). We broke up before my eighth grade year. I didn't lose sleep over it.

When my mom decided to move the summer before my ninth grade year, I was heartbroken. NOT. I was the nerd of my class and had no friends. I was excited at the opportunity to meet new people and maybe be popular. That never happened, by the way. The summer before I moved I met D through R, and we became friends. I spent all summer talking to him on the phone. At one point, during the middle of our move, our phone got turned off, and I rode two miles to the nearest party store (aka gas and fishing store) to give him a call. It was sweet. D and I fell in love. I think. These things are always so complicated when you're fourteen.

Anyhow, I moved to a different school. On my first day of freshman year, I walked through the doors, looking as fresh and skilled (otherwise seen as vulnerable and weak) as any other freshman. There was R. He looked at me, stared at me in amazement, and started laughing in disbelief. Literally. He laughed and it was a nervous laugh. Here was the girl he had passed off to one of his best friends, because he didn't want her, but I was maturing, and he couldn't believe I wasn't his. (I am LOL-ing to myself, because I remember this SO well.)

R and I didn't talk much our high school years, except to exchange the occasional, "I want you," look. Yes, R was good-looking. Even better than my boyfriend at the time, who had suddenly stopped being friends with him. I don't blame him; his girlfriend had a past relationship with him and I would, too, if I were with him.

But, at the end of my tenth grade year, I had troubles with D. It's kind of personal and a long story, but it wasn't working out, and I started to hang out with R and my brother in my spare time, instead of going to D's house. It ended in disaster. I was meeting up with R, just to talk, rather than hanging out with D. I've never cheated, mind you. I was still deceiving D, though. It caught up to me, eventually. D knew I was hanging out with R, and things were rough for a minute. Eventually, several months down the way, I came to the conclusion I had to end things with both, and that is what happened.

Until this past April.

I got a text. "How are you?"

I wasn't sure what to say to this unknown number. "Not much. Who is this?"

At the time, I figured it was my first love and kiss, Chris B., whom I am still good friends with. And when I asked this and they replied, "You're first crush," Chris B. was the only one that came to mind! So I said, "Chris, did you change your number again?" It was automatic.

Except, the response I expected wasn't. I received a reply back.

"Who is Chris? I am jealous! This is R."

I suddenly felt my heart drop and wanted to die. What was R doing contacting me, after eight years of no contact? I ran into him ONCE in those eight years, at a gas station, and when he saw me, he said, "Oh shit," and got in his truck and drove away. So, why was he contacting me now, after so many years?

That was in April. It was really weird, at first, but I let it go. He seemed to be apologetic for everything he had done, and just wanted to be my friend. I forgave him, but as soon as he did, it seemed the past came up to bite me in the ass, and he was asking me if I would give him another chance and move back to Michigan to be with him!

WE WERE TOGETHER WHEN I WAS 13! Gimme a break...Some of you are laughing. I know I was laughing (until I took a shot of Jack). This is a 27 year old man we are talking about, though. He really wanted me to move back. He offered to buy me a car, pay for me to move back, AND support me when I moved there! WTH was he thinking?!

This is just the first thing to confuse me. Chris and I have lived happily so far. These minor infractions have caused little to no damage, but I'm afraid they will, eventually. R was only the first in the series of ex's to contact me. Part II is coming up.

Bunny Post

2009-09-25T20:21:00.000-07:00

Cooper: "Ahhh, this is the life."

Beauty: "Speak for yourself, my arthritis kicks in when I lay like this."

Cooper: "That's because you're old."

Beauty: "At least I'm not a camera whore."

Cooper: "Who's callin' me a camera whore?"

Road Block of Cheese to Nowhere

2009-09-25T19:55:00.000-07:00

Currently Listening To: William Shakespeare's Romeo & Juliet Motion Picture Soundtrack

I need to express my gratitude to my new and old followers- thanks so much! You guys have all left such awesome comments and it makes me want to write an outstanding blog everyday! I wish I had commenters on every part of my life (Great job with that laundry! Keep it up! These glasses look SO sparkly, how do you DO it?). Maybe it would make it a tad easier. Then again, if I had commenters on every part of my life, it could lead to some uncomfortable situations (Uh, hmmm, what is that stain? The bunny poop stuck to your foot is a, um, GREAT fashion statement).

SO, I started my workout this week, right? I did it on Monday. It did it's job and kicked my ass. The next day I could barely walk. Wednesday wasn't much better, and having to work didn't make the pain go away. The muscles in the backs of my legs were so tight I was almost crying when I stretched. But, no pain, no gain, right? So I had Chris help me stretch my legs, and we did it for like fifteen minutes. Finally I was able to walk without looking like I'd just been riding a horse for twelve hours. It still hurt yesterday, but not as badly, so I took to doing the workout again.

My original goal was four times a week. I don't think that's going to happen until I can get used to some of the pain. I mean, I'm not a whiner (haha, who am I kidding?), but seriously, every time I stood up from the floor or the couch I was limping. It was no good. So, three times a week will have to work. I popped in the video yesterday and started, made it through 30 minutes, then suddenly felt like I was going to be sick. Chris asked if I was drinking cold water (I had a bottle of water that had been out for an hour or so, but it wasn't that cold) and if I had eaten anything. I'd eaten a few hours before that and I was taking breaks after after cycle to take a drink. I was sweating up a storm and my mouth was dry.

I didn't get sick, but I had to stop because I felt dizzy. I don't know what it was from. However, even doing only half an hour made the burning start. This time it was my lower abs and calves. Tomorrow I plan on doing my pilates video instead, because it works on stretching more than Jillian Michaels does, and maybe it will help the tightness in my body.

Currently, I'm busy tapping away on the novel. As I've admitted before, I've had a slight writer's block because of stress. It's like, every time I go to sit down and think about an idea, all my worries come to the front of my mind and I can't get rid of them, so my creativity goes WHOOSH! out the window. However, Chris texted me today from work and said, "I think we'll be fine." That always makes me feel better, because he's the blatantly honest one, not dramatic, unlike me. After all, I have breakdowns over the dishes piling up in the sink and having no laundry detergent. So it's no wonder he avoids me sometimes. I really don't blame him.

I spoke to my mom yesterday. I don't mind speaking to her. We have a better relationship now than we ever have, and I almost enjoy talking to her sometimes. Lately, though, all she wants to talk about is my oldest younger brother. His wife is about ready to pop their second (her third) kid out, and she keeps blabbing on about it. I just get annoyed. It's not because I'm jealous of the attention he gets over everything he does (it has always been like that- he's a mama's boy), I'm upset because I am not there. I didn't get to see my nephew until he was six months old. He is now a year and a half and I won't see him until December. Now my niece is going to be born and I'll miss that, too. It makes me very, very sad and she doesn't get that. I'm not a fan of expressing emotion with my mother because when I was a teenager she always called me a cry baby and told me to stop. Now I feel like I need to avoid showing any emotion with her because I feel weak.

Actually, both of my parents were like this, and I just try to avoid being emotional in general because it reminds me of the things they used to say to me. I'm off point. So, while talking on the phone with my mom, I got a little bit upset and she was like, "What's wrong?" I wasn't going to tell her, "Well, Mom, honestly I don't want to talk about Brian and the kids because it makes me feel like I'm missing out on everything there while I live here in Hell where I don't want to be but can't afford to move back yet." That would just make me cry. So I said, "Nothing, just finding a movie to watch."

The good news about this call is that I didn't cry, and my mom is sending Chris and I a box of food. Yes, you read that correctly. A box of food. She knew we were having financial trouble, but didn't realize it was cutting into our healthy eating habits. I don't like sharing this publicly, but I am currently enrolled in Arizona's Nutritional Aid program (aka food stamps). Not something I'm proud of, but when I transferred stores they cut my wages and my hours. I'm now barely making more than minimum wage and only getting ten hours a week. I really don't have a choice. The bad part is that they based the amount I get on what I was making at the other store, so they reduced it by a LOT. No good. So it's going to take until October 12th before they raise it. My mom said if we needed food I should have said something because she has a ton of non-perishables that she can send.

I know how funny that sounds. My mom is sending me food from across the country (Michigan to Arizona). Why not save the money sending it and just send me money? Well, food is cheaper in Michigan, to be blunt. So she is sendng me a box of food and money. That made me feel better. Our cell phone service is getting suspended, once again, because we have to pay rent on the first and electric a few days later. Sigh. But, I'd rather have no phones than no electricity. It's only for a few days, anyway. I only work one of those days, so I don't need it, really. It's just nice to have it, because we don't have a home phone. We are forced to either borrow friends' phones or use the payphone downstairs. Anyhow. Despite all of this piling up on me, I'm still holding my head up because there's not much I can do about it.

Chris and I are celebrating our one year on Tuesday, and because we will be broke, I made a joke out of it on Facebook and posted a status message saying, "Oh yeah, and some one year anniversary this will be since we're broke. I would make you steak and taters, babe, but you'll have to make do with mac 'n' welfare cheese." LOL! Sorry, I thought it was funny. Seriously though, I've heard welfare cheese is the best, but I've never had it. My dad once told me that (apparently, he used to have a friend when he was younger whose family was on welfare, and he loved going there because they had welfare cheese...my dad is a strange man). With that said, I'm off to finish up this chapter, then hopping in the shower. I guess we're hanging out with some friends tonight, playing beer pong and swimming. Such college kid antics, I tell you.

Happy End of the Week to everyone!

My Friday Fill-In

2009-09-25T16:10:00.000-07:00

1. One week ago I was stressing about bills, and I still am.

2. Things were so much easier when I was young.

3. Mama told me to hang in there and things would get better yesterday.

4. I think we make a good pair, you and me.

5. Take your time making big decisions- you don't want to make the wrong one!

6. I'm really hoping these hard times will pass!

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to relaxing with Chris, tomorrow my plans include going to Chris's softball game and Sunday, I want to rent some movies and lounge!

2009-09-24T17:57:00.001-07:00

I tried to get a shot of Beauty for once, but Cooper is always stealing the spotlight.