Berry Weiss. My Friday night indulgence while I'm alone. I know, it's never good to drink alone. But, yet again, my boyfriend has ditched me to be with people I don't like. Boy I'm pathetic.

Blissfully Naive

I miss the days of not being aware.  Of anything.  How much rent REALLY is, how much groceries cost, how often sinks/stoves/computers/TVs actually DO go out of service.  Of what my boyfriend is really doing when he comes home late.

I miss the days when I just thought he was around the corner, chilling with some friends.  I miss the days when I actually believed there was nothing going on with that 'other girl'.  I miss the days when I was able to just dump him and move onto my next victim.  It was so much easier then.

I wish that I could block that part of my brain again.  Back in the day, I could convince myself nothing was going on that I didn't know about.  Nothing was going on that could hurt me.  My boyfriend of the moment was just hanging out with his family, working late, or chilling with a pal.  Not anymore.  I can't convince myself of such things.  I'm no longer an ignorant 17 or 18 or 19 year old.  Not even 21.  I'm past all of that, and once I passed it all, I suddenly had a chip implanted in my brain that made me all too aware when something is not right in my life.  My job, for instance.  Before, I could ignore the lack of opportunity because at least I had a job, at least I got a paycheck every week (or two weeks, whichever).  Now, I know when I'm wasting my time.  I was wasting my time.  I wrote an email to the employee relations manager.  Guess what?  He tried to help me out and get me promoted.  I was swiftly denied.  Not only that but they cut my hours.  Instead of wasting anymore time, I quit.  Yep.  I'm officially unemployed.  Retail jobs won't fire people because they know we'll ask for unemployment.  Instead, they'll take you off the schedule for one week, then put you on for four hours the next week, repeating the process over and over again.

I'm not about playing games with an employer that screws with employees' heads.  I'm done with them.  I also know when I'm wasting my time with a relationship.  Now that it has been made clear that Christopher no longer gives a shit what I say or how I feel, I'm wasting my time with him.  Where do I go from here?  I can't even remember what I did the last time this happened to me.

Oh yeah, I moved back in with Mom because I had no place to go.  Same situation, except this time, Mom is across the country and I have no backup plan.  I'm so stupid for putting myself in this situation.  Last night he didn't come home until after ten.  I don't know, really, because I took my medication and fell asleep swiftly because I wasn't up for fighting again.  He claims he got home just after ten- because he was installing software for one of his co-workers.  Um, is he an idiot?  I mean the co-worker, not Chris.  Installing software these days is so easy a caveman can do it (haha).  You insert said software, via USB or CD, and you computer should automatically start it up.  Wah- la!  Follow the instructions.

Not only that, but does it seriously take two hours to install software?  ...Don't answer that, because I know the answer.

Yes, he was with D and J, my despised now-arch enemy.  I stood on the front porch this morning and watched Chris leave, giving them both my best "I'll fuck you up" smile as they pulled out.  She just ignored me.  Yes, ignore me.  You can have him all to yourself pretty soon.  Because I'm going to be thousands of miles away, leaving this stupid city and state far, far behind, NEVER to return.

And, although I will never be blissfully naive again, I will vow to myself to never, EVER let a guy do this to me again.  I'm getting my own house, that way there will be no doubts about who gets what, and that'll be the end of it.  And yes, Cooper and Beauty will be making the long haul with me.  Even if they did chew my computer cords this week and make Mom very, very mad.  I feel bad, because Cooper is really Chris's bunny- they love each other- but I'm not trusting him with my babies.  Not when I couldn't even trust him to keep his other...pets in check. 

I'm off to job hunt.  Thanks guys, for being patient.  I will be getting my router this weekend, so no worries, I'll be leaving comments soon! 

Yet Again

This will have to be short and sweet because I'm using Chris's computer and I hate it.  He uses our flatscreen TV as the monitor and it gives me a mad headache every time I use it. 

So, updates:

First, I lost another follower.  So I'm back to just 40.  I'm sort of disappointed.  I hope people aren't leaving because of my lack of interesting updates.  REALLY, I'm just busy looking for a job and trying to keep my relationship afloat!  I will probably get a new wireless router this weekend to update.  I know today is Group Blog Thursday, but I won't be participating. Sorry, Stephanie!  :( 

Second, Chris and I got into yet another argument last night about his obsession with being friends with people (particularly girls) that I am not fond of.  He isn't respecting me, and it has been made clear that he doesn't care what I say or how he is making me feel.  As he said last night, "You aren't my mom, you aren't my dad, and you're not my boss.  I will talk to and hang out with whomever I want, regardless of what you say." 

That says it all.  He then proceeded to text D (the girl that was acting weird and taking pictures all night of him) until three in the morning.  He conveniently deleted certain messages out of his phone so that the conversations didn't make sense.  No, I wasn't snooping.  When I came out of the bedroom because I couldn't sleep, his phone was flashing on the floor beside him.  I asked, "Who are you texting at 3 AM?"  He then told me, "D.  You wanna read the messages?"  Which just made me mad because...well.  I have friends in Michigan that work third shift so sometimes I'll text them until one or two in the morning.  I don't care that he is texting that late, but why does it have to be her, after all the shit that went down not but two weeks ago?

I didn't want to read them.  I was exremely upset and it was a very bad day yesterday to start with.  I made him dinner (chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy, and corn), baked a cake (even colored it with food coloring so it was his favorite color, blue), cleaning the kitchen, the living room, did laundry, and just comes home, jumps right on his video game after eating, and proceeds to ignore me. 

So after lying in bed for over two hours trying to fall asleep, I got up to see what he was doing.  Only to find he was having a grand ol' time texting her. 

I went back in the bedroom for another hour or so, but last night my medication was having a bad effect on me and I was restless.  I hate that feeling.  I kept having to stretch and if I didn't my muscles would start contracting and jolting even though I was trying to just sleep.  So I got back up again, to get something to drink, and he was still out here.  And his phone was flashing again.  I finally was so upset that I picked up his phone, and went through it.  He didn't say anything.  He knew he was caught. 

Like I said, there were messages deleted from it that made the conversation not make sense, but one of them upset me so much I didn't even care.  She wrote, "I'm sorry you have to sleep on the couch.  She's crazy.  Do you want me to come pick you up?"

That right there says it all.  He was telling her I made him sleep on the couch, WHICH I NEVER SAID.  And she offered to come pick him up.  Also, a sign that he was talking shit about me but cleverly deleted the messages so that IN CASE I were to read his texts, they wouldn't be there.  He's not so smart.  He should have just deleted them all.

I think we are done.  No, we didn't break up.  But I think as soon as I'm able to leave, I'm leaving him.  Yes, this means I'm going to be using him for the time being.  I love him, with all of my heart.  But it is clear he is too immature to accept the responsibility of being in a serious relationship, and that having these girls as friends is more important that saving my feelings.  I'm fed up with it.  I'm hurt and worn out and depressed and I think I've pretty much made it clear I don't agree with him and that if I could, I would be out of here on a plane first chance I got.

I'm too old to deal with his childish antics.  He's not ready to settle down.  I don't know why I ever thought he was.  Maybe it's because he has been on his own since he was 17.  He has always done what he had to do to stay afloat.  He told me he didn't want to play games.  He told me he could see us being together for a long time.  Obviously he was blowing smoke up my ass. 

Anyway, I'm tired and probably need a nap.  My eyes are heavy and so is my heart.  Hopefully I'll get a router soon so I can get back to my regular reading and blogging.

Have a good day, everyone.

They look so cute here. Then they go and chew wireless router cords and hinder my internet connection. I'm very, very, VERY upset with the bunnies.

Major Sadness

I just found out the Wordpress readers cannot "follow" me through Google friends.  I had no idea.  Now I feel like a shit.  Why?  Because!  I thought I was just up to 40 followers when REALLY, I could have many, many more and not know because of the fact that Wordpress doesn't have the option to "follow" blogs. 

So I apologize to any readers that are Wordpress bloggers and cannot follow, that I have not recognized.  I am sorry if I skipped over you if you really were my 40th follower.  I had no idea, because I am new to this whole Blogger-Wordpress blogging business.  I've only had my account since July, and I learn more and more everyday. 

Is there anyone here that knows how to track Wordpress followers? 

Cooper- Back By Popular Demand

He was digging his claws in the carpet for some odd reason, as if to say...

"NOOOOO MOOOOM!  I don't WANNA go to bed yet!!"

"Oh yes Cooper, it is your bed time!"

Like a kid that lifts his arms up in defiance of being picked up, he dug his nails into the carpet.  That ain't gonna help you, Coop.  I'll just pick you up and cuddle you!

Someone Deserving

It occured to me a few minutes ago that maybe, just maybe, I should extend my award to more than just certain numbered followers.  The only reason I really pay attention to that number is because I'm curious as to how many of those followers actually read my blog.  Let's face it- we may "follow" fifty blogs, but does everyone have time to read every blog each of them writes?  Probably not.

I usually read blogs for about two hours a day, right after I wake up, to get my mind going.  I'm one of those people that takes forever to wake up.  If I immediately stand up I am likely to stumble all over the place and possibly fall.  Chris is constantly asking me if I'm drunk because of this.  Sometimes I'll get up in the middle of the night, and he'll still be playing video games, and I run into the walls on my way down the hall.  He always yells out, "Babe, are you okay?"  I can't even speak because my brain just isn't there.  It takes about half an hour for my mouth to start forming words, because for some reason, my brain can't remember how to do it.  So, I solve this by reading first thing in the morning.  Sometimes, though, I already have twenty new posts to read.  If I'm lucky, I'll be able to read most of them.  If I'm not, I'll admit I'll skip through to the ones I read religiously. 

Yes, I have blogs that I read everyday.  I'll bet you do, too.  I follow some blogs because they offer creative arts and crafts ideas when I am bored.  I don't read them everyday.  Or the recipe ones.  If I need a good idea, I'll read those particular blogs.  But, going back to my award.  I am a follower of two blogs that in return follow me.  I read these two blogs first thing when I wake up, and I always comment on them.  They always interest me and always get my brain going.  And, it makes me feel special that they do follow and comment my blogs, as well.  I've decided to give these two blogs my award, because they live with their head in the clouds, too.  Whether they dream about the perfect marriage proposal, or perhaps the ultimate book publishing deal, they are always realistic yet entertaining and are basically the java my brain needs in the morning.  Who are these two fantastic bloggers, you ask?  Well, they just happen to be...*drumroll*

Stephanie @ Steph in the City and Susan @ A Walk in My Shoes!  *Applause*

I've been following Stephanie since we were both on MySpace.  I didn't follow many blogs on there because I could rarely find any that weren't completely dramatic or ridiculous, but I found her on a whim last May and have been following ever since.  She moved over here and I bookmarked her blog, then eventually joined the Blogger community with my own blog.  I haven't regretted it.  She always blogs about topics that interest nearly everyone and is an amazing follower, as well.  Thanks, Steph!

I found Susan soon after I joined blogger, as well.  I started reading blogs that dealt with the hardships of writing the perfect novel and being published, and her blog was one of the first to catch my attention and keep it.  She gives awesome advice about the trials of writing novels and finding the perfect agent to handle finished pieces.  I love how she connects shoes and writing (two of my favorites) to convey important aspects of the writing process.  I always look forward to reading her take on the art of writing and the crises that arise during the journey to being published.  Thanks, Susan!

The Rules of Having Your Head Up Here:
#1. Say thanks.
#2. Post it on your blog only if you want to.
#3. Once you have accepted, you are now my blog slave for eternity, MWAHAHAHA! and you will do as I say (or as my bunnies say).
#4. Really, just suggest a good blog for me to follow and read. I'm down for that.
#5. Keep on bloggin'.
 
I'll probably be back to post something else later in the day.  So I'll see you guys then!

A-HEM! *Attention*

During my morning (or rather...afternoon) escapade through my subscriptions and comments, it was brought to my attention that I lost yet ANOTHER follower somewhere in the midst of giving an award to my 40th follower.  So I now have ANOTHER 40th follower.  I do not believe this should go unnoticed-

This follower may very well have had her heart set on being my 40th follower, so she subscribed, and then realized I had already given my award and prize (whatever it may be) to someone ELSE that was my FIRST 40th follower.  ...How many 40th followers can there be?  At this rate, I may be stuck at 40 until I turn 40 (I really hope that is not the case because I would rather not waste the next 16 years losing and gaining readers on a blog that...well...obviously cannot keep the attention of the leavers...I really just think they suck).  Who wants to be playing this game for that long?  NO ONE!

But, in the best interest of my blog and readers (mainly just my blog, though, because I don't want to lose respect, ya know?), I'm awarding Speaking From The Crib the SECOND 40th blogger award, as well.  Congratulations and thanks so much!  Go ahead and steal the award and post it on your page, if you'd like!  And don't forget to read the rules!  :P

The Rules of Having Your Head Up Here:
#1. Say thanks.
#2. Post it on your blog only if you want to.
#3. Once you have accepted, you are now my blog slave for eternity, MWAHAHAHA! and you will do as I say (or as my bunnies say).
#4. Really, just suggest a good blog for me to follow and read. I'm down for that.
#5. Keep on bloggin'. (Similar to truckin' but, you know...blogging. Duh.)
 
So, everyone should say their congrats to Miss Speaking from the Crib and let's see if I'll ever make it to the 54th follower.  According to the rate of followers I'm going at now, I have PLENTY of time to come up with a special "prize".  I'm sorry if it is only a little mesh sack tied with ribbon filled with bunny poop.  I'm running low on cash.
 
(Of course, I'm just jokin', ya know...)

Sunday Ramblings

I just wrote this huge long blog but I deleted it.  Don't ask me why, because I'm not in the mood for questions.  Just accept the fact that I typed for half an hour to just 'select all' and 'delete'.  I do.

I'd just like to thank Allie over at Hyperbole and a Half for making me laugh my ASS off today (during a relatively non-exciting day).  And also, I'd like to say "You're welcome" in return of her thanks for me making her laugh at my comment.  I just understand you, I guess, Allie, because seriously...somedays I feel like just going on and on about things that really are annoying me (like, I see one of Chris's toe nails on the floor from where I'm sitting and it makes me MAD because I always tell him to clip his stupid toe nails in the bathroom over the toilet but he doesn't, so I get grossed out when suddenly one is stuck to my foot).  And your blog does just that, in a very humorous way.  I wish I could be as humorous as that, sometimes.  The Serious Stick just gets shoved way up my *hey, look, there are cute birdies outside my window!* and I can't find a single humorous thing in my damn life.

I also want to say that I'm at follower #39.  Whoever #40 is gets a special prize.  I was going to wait until 50, but I'm impatient and I will also probably forget by then.  I left a long comment on one of Allie's blogs about how losing followers sucks and how I notice right away because I don't have that many.  Last week I lost two so this week I had to gain two, and also another two to make up for the week.  (I'm not really that anal or obsessed, but yes, I do pay attention to how many followers I have and who leaves comments.)  I was glad to find another blogger that feels the same way.  WHY ARE YOU LEAVING?!?! 

I know, I know- sometimes my blog gets a little boring, or dramatic.  I try to keep sane and serious most of the time, but I am only 24, people.  That's like the new 17 these days (or at least that's what it has seemed like recently).  Everything is a crisis and everyone is ganging up on me.  I will try to keep a little humor and a little seriousness in all of this from now on.  Right now, though, I'm going to attempt to write some on my book because it's been over a week since I've done so, and I feel as if my characters may feel abandoned by me.

I'm also going to be creating my own award.  Look out for that, as well. 

I'd hug you all, but I'm not much for contact or PDA.  So I'll just punch you all on the shoulders.  Night!

**EDIT**
Well it didn't take long to gain my 40th follower (boy, three followers in one day...I'm so lucky I can't stand it!).  I'd like to say congrats OMChelsea (is it just Chelsea or do you really prefer OMChelsea?) for being the lucky follower to win.  I hadn't even had time to think about what the prize was going to be, which means I need to get to work on that.  But I'll guarantee that: one- it'll be creative; and two- no one else will think of it.  Oh yes, and you're also the FIRST to get my new award, which is for having your head in the clouds and still being a dreamer.  And for being a follower of mine.  :)  She's also Australian and has a dork for a husband and I salute her for that- I have a dork for a boyfriend and sometimes it's hard, but most of the time, it just makes life a bit funnier.  So here is my award for her:

So there ya have it.  Now onto number 54...That's the next luck follower...

**EDIT #2**
I've decided to make up rules to accepting the award.  Because I like making rules.  Like, in my apartment, we have rules.
#1.  Clean up your messes.
#2.  If you don't clean up your messes, I'll clean them up for you.  (And you won't know where any of your shit is if I clean it up for you.
#3.  No bunnies on the couch.  Unless you're cuddling with me, then it's okay.
#4.  No smoking inside!  EVER! 
#5.  If the bunnies are laying in the middle of the floor, leave them alone.  If they are laying where you want to sit, TOO BAD.  If the bunnies are grunting at you, stop pissing them off.  If the bunnies want you to pet them, pet them, dammit.  In other words, what the bunnies say goes.

So the rules to accepting my award are as follows:
#1.  Say thanks.
#2.  Post it on your blog only if you want to.
#3.  Once you have accepted, you are now my blog slave for eternity, MWAHAHAHA! and you will do as I say (or as my bunnies say). 
#4.  Really, just suggest a good blog for me to follow and read.  I'm down for that. 
#5.  Keep on bloggin'.  (Similar to truckin' but, you know...blogging.  Duh.)