Reasoning

After an exhausting day of walking, talking, and cheering at a hockey game, I am finally home, and ready to sleep.  Alisha had the day off from work, so we decided to go to her brother's hockey game tonight, and it was quite exciting.  I haven't been to a hockey game in a long time, and forgot how fun they are.  But, onto the second part of my previous post.

As I told you yesterday, there are difficulties within the marriage of my friend Alisha and her husband, M. They have been married almost four years, and the last two years have been a struggle because he as terrible PTSD from being in the war in Iraq.  He has refused therapy, and also started drinking heavily.  It is not only sad, but extremely frightening for her.  Unfortunately, I didn't learn the entire situation until I was already here, and far from a home I could go to. 

After their fight last night, M passed out and Alisha slept on the couch.  We had discussed what she wanted to do, but was afraid she wouldn't have the guts to leave him.  I knew even before we had the talk that I would not be staying any longer than I would have to, because I will not put myself in the middle of a dangerous situation.  However, during our talk, I offered her to come with me.  I'm going to steer away from this topic for a moment to tie in the second part.

Chris and I haven't spoken a whole lot since I left.  We've texted a little, but most of it has been unimportant and nothing to do with us.  A few nights ago, though, he told me that I could believe it or not, but he did miss me, and love me.  Of course, I already knew he loved me.  That was never the problem.  The problem was how immature he was acting and hurting our relationship by neglecting me and my feelings.  It was a struggle for a over a month before he decided to end it because I was too much to deal with when all he wanted to do was have fun and be with so-called friends instead of being respectful to me.  I took it as it was, even if it was hard, and came out here.  It has been rough for me.  I miss him terribly, and it's been hard not to tell him that everyday, and dwell on it myself. 

After he told me that he missed me and loved me, he said the same thing he has been saying: "I just need time to myself to gather my thoughts."  Instead of just telling me he needed a little space, he ended it, and let me move a thousand miles away.  Apparently this isn't what he wanted, but he didn't want to tell me he didn't want me to move, because it was my decision and he didn't know how long it would take him to get his shit together.  We started talking about what we wanted through text, and suddenly, he tells me that he loves me and he just wants to start over with me, and rebuild what we had.  And I asked, "What has suddenly changed?"  He answers, "Not really anything.  As I said it's not you, it's me.  I just need to get over the fact that life needs to move on."  Meaning, from what he is doing right now.  He then tells me that he wants to stay in Phoenix, but he doesn't want to live in an apartment (which has been one of my big arguments with him about why I don't want to live there) forever, and that he wants a life.  He says if once the lease is up on our apartment, and I still want to leave, that we can leave together.  He added something else to the whole speech but it's a little too out there to say here, but it started with, "I know I want to be with you," then something about until certain body parts of mine are no longer where they are supposed to be.  Ha ha. 

...It is a lot for me to take it.  After all, it wasn't long ago he was telling me he just didn't feel the same anymore and all this other crap.  Apparently he didn't know what he wanted and now he misses me and realizes that I wasn't so out of line to ask certain things from him.  I made a comment about how he is still young and needs to get it out of his system but he retaliated with, "I know I'm young but it doesn't mean I don't love you and realize what I want."  Which, is probably half true.  I know what everyone is thinking- DON'T DO IT!  ...I thought it, too.  Don't fall for it.  Don't go back so easily.  Don't let him manipulate you. 

I know, I know, I know.  The thing is- although I am defensive about it and want to disprove anyone who says he just doesn't want to be alone now, I know Chris well enough to know when he is being sincere or just being selfish.  He told me he didn't want me to come home if I didn't want to, or if I didn't think it would work.  He said he wasn't going to ask me to move back, just to think about it.  And he was okay when I told him that maybe after the holidays, we could talk about it. 

Then, came this whole thing with Alisha and M.  Since Chris is really the only person I have had close to me in a long time, I told him about the situation and he immediately said, "Then bring her down here with you.  She can stay here."  He doesn't want me living in this situation, and he thinks that it would be a good idea to get her out of here.  I really couldn't believe he was saying anything of the sort since we both agreed we would not have another roommate again, after his brother.  He was sincere about it, though.

Alisha has decided not to leave.  She told me today she thought about it all night and also most of the day, but she feels she cannot abandon M when he needs her most, even though it puts her in dangerous situations.  It both irritates and frustrates me to no end, but I see her side of it.  This is a man she promised to love forever, through thick and thin, through good and bad times.  I suppose she thinks she owes it to him to take care of him and help him as much as she can.  After the very dramatic night last night, he called her every five minutes today, though, and was very clingy.  I know these signs- he knows he screwed up and wants to make sure she isn't going to leave him.  We were with her mom at the hockey game, and she even said that he can't do anything without her and she has to be home every minute with him or else he flips out.  All in all, it is a very unhealthy relationship in my eyes.  It is not my place to tell her what to do, though, and if she wants to stay, that is her choice.

We both have a lot on our plates right now, and it's been emotionally tiring.  I feel like a million pounds of bricks were dropped on me in the last 24 hours and it is only going to get worse before it gets better.  Should I go back to Chris?  Will she leave M?  Are we going to put number one first? 

All questions that will have to be answered, and better sooner than later.

Being The Savior, Not The Saved

As many of you know, I have recently made the trip to Colorado to get away from Phoenix and start again.  This was a good idea when it first came up, since my situation there was terrible.  My ex Chris decided to leave me with no notice because he decided he wanted to hang out with bad influences and party to his life's content, instead of answering to a worried girlfriend at home.  This broke my heart completely but a friend decided to try to help me out the best she could, because she knows how bad it is to be in a situation such as the one I was in. 

I made the 22 hour journey to Denver, CO, where I was met with cold weather and clouds in the sky, neither of which is very frequent in Phoenix.  She dropped me and my stuff off, I promptly took a long ass nap (it is very hard to sleep on those terrible buses!), and then, set out to look for jobs.  My first night here was good.  I got to hang out with her for the first time in four years, I met her husband, and she showed me around town a bit.  Not much to it, honestly.  Greeley is pretty small, easy to navigate, and the people are pretty friendly.  I was sure it would be a great place for me to be.

Unfortunately, the problem isn't the town.  The problem lies within the walls of the apartment I have moved into.  My friend, Alisha, had mentioned to me several times how she was alone a lot and her husband is kind of whacky and they're having some problems within their marriage.  He told her it would be nice for her to have a friend down here and he didn't mind me staying here.  I took that as, he's a nice guy and cares for his wife.  I've met the guy once.  We'll call him, M.  The first time I met M was when I was working in a convenience store and they happened to be visiting Michigan.  This was back in 2007.  He was very quiet, didn't shake my hand, and just nodded at me, even though I was acting ecstatic to finally meet my best friend's husband.  Even after just one meeting, I knew I didn't like him.  Call me judgemental, but I didn't.  So when I arrived here, I already had my first impression in my head, and you know how hard it is to change that once it's there.  M didn't even say hi to me when we picked him up from his job.  He was completely quiet and said hardly three words to me.  The rest of the weekend was much the same- except I got to experience him while he is, in one word, wasted.

I used to think that when I got drunk I could get out of hand at times, and definitely step out of line.  Compared to him, though, I am a saint.  As soon as Friday night hit, it was nonstop fighting.  About nothing.  Then, I got to see why Alisha is having such a hard time with him.  M is violent.  Not necessarily towards her, but towards the apartment, their dog, his things.  I'm not exaggerating when I tell you this: he is nuts.  I tried to tell myself that he was just drunk, but now, I know better.

M is a retired Marine.  He has PTD (post-traumatic disorder) and has nightmares and rages he cannot control.  He is also a person that refuses to get help.  For the past two years Alisha has dealt with his anger and bouts of depression.  He wakes up in the middle of the night thrashing around, then wakes up sobbing because he can't save one of his friends.  It is quite sad when you think about it.  He risked his life to fight in a war that he doesn't believe in, and now he is suffering for it.  However, instead of trying to get help, he is making his wife suffer as well.

He runs into doors on purpose.  The door to my bedroom has two holes in it.  There is a poster on my wall that covers a giant hole.  The bathroom door doesn't shut properly because he rammed his head into it.  There are giant white plaster marks all over the living room from where he has thrown various objects and himself into the walls.  The closet doors in their room and the pantry are completely ruined because he has decided to run into them.  Their dog, a 130 pound bull mastif, is completely terrified of him because M has thrown him around and also choked him.  Alisha finally admitted the reason she is wearing a foot immobilizer is because he threw her across the living room and bones in her foot with dislocated.  She may need surgery to correct it if this shoe she is wearing now doesn't fix it.

She has lied to her doctor and her family about the situation.  She lied to me, and has brought me into the situation.  I cannot pretend to even like this guy because I know what is going on.  He got in my face tonight and started questioning me.  Thankfully, I am able to look people right in the eye when I talk to them and not show fear.  He asked some questions and I had quick smart ass answers, and he said he liked that, but then later he stated, "You don't like me, I know it."  What was I supposed to say?  I replied with, "I don't even know you well enough yet to know whether I do or not."  And just shrugged.

I guess this is not my business.  But I will not live here, in the midst of all of this and just keep my mouth shut.  When he gets physical, I will not hide in my room until it stops.  I will be calling the police, something she refuses to do because he will get in deep trouble, due to the fact that he is a Marine.  I guess he would actually go to prison for it because, as she put it, he is a "trained and dangerous weapon of the military."  I suppose that would cause a problem.

I do not know how to save this girl.  It is not even my responsibility, but I sat her down tonight and told her, "I won't live here while this happens.  I cannot watch this and not do anything.  It is your choice to stay, but I will be leaving as soon as I can."  I wasn't trying to be ungrateful by any means, and she understood that.  I'm guessing she didn't realize how bad it is because she started crying and confessed she didn't even think this was a bad night for him.  I couldn't believe that.  This was after the dog came into my room, scared, and laid beside me on the bed for a while.  I knew they were fighting, but I didn't realize it was because he had done something to the dog.  M walked by the room and saw the dog in here, and then grabbed the door handle, and repeatedly slammed the door several times very hard, scaring the dog even more.  I couldn't believe it.  He did it in front of me, in the room that I am staying in!  That's when I told her how I felt.

She said she doesn't see it like everyone else because she lives inside the box.  Everyone else can see better because they are outside.  I don't know if that's how I would explain it.  I would probably say, she has her head in the sand and is afraid to pull it out and face the truth.  This guy is abusive and could possibly severely hurt her- or worse, kill her. 

After a very long talk and cry (her, not me), she decided that she wants to leave.  There's a whole other part to the story, but I'll save it for later.  I'm just wondering what other people would do in this situation.  Stick by their friend through it, or pull out and leave it to them?  I can't see myself abandoning her, but I don't want to be in the middle of this, where I could put myself in danger.  I know a lot of people that have kept their nose out of bad situations because they didn't want to be involved, but later learned had they said something, the turn out would have been different.

And I thought life in Phoenix was tough...

Conversion

The last few days have been rough on me.  It is sad to sleep alone in a big bed, it brings me down to watch my friend and her husband together, I am sad to have no one to kiss.  This has hit me a lot harder than I thought it would.  I figured that I would be a little bit sad, but so distracted by my new surroundings that I wouldn't have much time to think about how badly my heart hurts.  It turns out I was wrong.

Every time I log onto Facebook, one of my friends is engaged, planning a wedding, or having kids- maybe all three in a week.  This makes it worse, as I feel like I'm the last of the single ones.  I know that a lot of women my age prefer to be single, and at times when I was with Chris I sort of wished I was, but I definitely don't prefer it.  I dislike not having anyone to wind down with at the end of the day, I miss making dinner for someone I love, and I definitely am not fond of sleeping alone.  I realize that although I was not in a good position back in Phoenix with Chris, at least I had a partner. 

On Friday night we texted most of the night. I was drinking with Alisha and her husband and brother, and Chris told me that if I feel like I'm not going to make it here that I should come back because he loves me and doesn't want me to feel like I'm not loved.  He just needs time to himself.  I'm not saying that I am going back, I'm just pointing out that he does love me and doesn't like to see me hurt.  I know this much.  He's never been a fan of fighting and the last month and a half has been the worst in our relationship.  Every time before this that we argued, it ended with us making up and him telling me that just because we fight it doesn't mean he doesn't want to be with me, or that he loves me any less. 

I told him that I'm not going back to a city where I don't have friends.  Where every person we hang out with isn't interested in friendship, but just getting drunk or high.  Mind you, I don't do drugs.  But, he is known to smoke a little bit, and so do all his friends.  That's the only thing most of them have in common.  I told him that I don't think any of his friends are true friends, because if he stopped smoking, none of them would come around anymore.  And if he needed help doing something, they would have some excuse as to why they can't help.  He doesn't believe that, and it is sad.  He thinks these people that come over just to get "messed up" are his real friends and that he can depend on them.  What about the months that they disappeared off the radar because they had better things to do and found new friends to go and hang out with? 

It makes me sick and sad.  I told him last night that I see where his loyalty is, and it is not with me, and that I will not be texting nor calling him anymore.  I will leave it up to him.  I don't wish to speak to him when he is constantly distracted or doing something more exciting than talking to me.  He told me that he wants to talk to me and that he likes talking to me, but I suppose if that were true, he would make more of an effort to make the first contact.  He texted me yesterday morning to say good morning, but that was it.  The rest of the time I had to initiate the conversation or else I didn't hear from him.

I don't know how long this is going to take for me to get over.  The more I think about how much I want to just forget about him the more I realize that I did love him more than I thought.  I never realized how much I cared about him, or how much he meant to me until I no longer had him.  And it isn't even as if I ever abandoned him or didn't give him enough attention.  I guess I just never took time to appreciate him fully when he was there for me.

Tomorrow I am job hunting again.  I am not sure how that will go, as the more I see of Greeley the more I realize there is really nothing here.  It would be a different story if I had a vehicle, but depending on someone to get me to work and pick me up isn't what I wanted to do.  Alisha thought the bus system here ran everywhere, but it doesn't even come close to her apartment, so I'd have to walk about a mile and a half to get to the first stop.  And let's face it- I'm not walking that far once winter really hits.  It is already 40 degrees at night and I can barely handle it.  I'm ashamed to admit it but I have officially been converted to a Phoenician and I dislike the cold more than I ever have, and have a low tolerance for it.  I guess we'll see what happens.