In The Rockies

Well, not technically...in the valley of the Rockies, is more like it.

I will never, ever, EVER again in my life take a Greyhound bus.  I'm telling you what, the 22 hours I spent on two different buses was enough to tell me that even if I don't like flying that much, it is the way better option.  Totally.  It was loud, people were rude, it smelled funny, and at night, it was impossible to sleep.  That could have been just because the second bus was the oldest Greyhound I'd ever seen.  It still doesn't explain why they felt the need to keep a bus that vibrates so badly that when you lay your head back, your teeth chatter.

I arrived this morning at 6 AM, after an exhausting night of hardly any sleep and also, no sleep the night before.  I caught a few hours of sleep from Phoenix to Albuquerque but not much, due to the cramped space.  I am a person who likes to spread out, and it wasn't possible because I had a seat mate, and he was holding a 6 month old for quite a bit of that time.  He was really nice, though, and so was his wife.  She was reading Twilight, which was odd because I was reading New Moon.  :)  I made friends, yay!  But, we never exchanged names.  I know, 7 hours on a bus with two people and we never told our names.  Oh well.

First thing I did when I stepped off the bus in Denver was sneeze my brains out.  I'm not sure why this is, but it was like insta-flu.  Then I remembered that my friend here, Alisha, also has a cat.  Cats and I don't get along.  They practically kill me.  She said that her cat is mostly an outdoor cat, but their dander gets on everything no matter how much they're inside.  Right now I'm not sure if it's because I'm over tired and stressed that I'm sick, or if it's the cat.  I suppose I'll find out tomorrow morning when I wake up.  If I have snot running down my face I'll know it's the cat; if I don't, it was just because my immune system was slacking.

So anywho, I will be job hunting tomorrow and also going through an online orientation for college.  Yep, I'm enrolling in school again.  I'm going into psychology for an Associate's Degree.  I think it will help with my writing career, and plus, I'll be able to get a decent job (not great paying or anything) being a counselor or what not once I finish it.  I've always been interested in the way minds work, anyway, so I think it will be fun no matter what.  It'll be way better than the business management degree I was studying for.  Hardly any math!  WOO HOO!

Now that I have access to my laptop and my computer, though, I'll have oh-so-much more time to read everyone's blogs again!  YAY!  I'm actually excited because I've missed laying in bed at night catching up with everyone.  :)  I'm not starting tonight though, as I'm so completely drained of energy I just drooled on the keyboard. 

I'm officially a resident of Colorado. 

A palm tree. Something I won't see once I leave the desert behind. Instead, I'll be up to my neck in snow. Hello, soggy socks!

Dag Nabbit

Okay, okay, I'm STILL NOT IN COLORADO!  >:(  GRRR!  But it seems like things keep holding me back here for  reason, because I got a lot accomplished in the weeks that I've been waiting.  But it is definitely happening Wednesday, because I got my ticket. 

Basically, the last week has flown by.  It hasn't been a hard week or anything, either.  I'm glad for that.  Chris and I have been getting along well still and he even took me to the fair on Halloween.  It was pretty fun.  Our friend came along with us, then we drank some later that night and watched scary movies.  Basically the plan is going completely astray from what was originally decided.  My friend was supposed to be driving down here, stay a weekend, then we were driving back.  Instead, I'm taking a Greyhound there, then coming back Thanksgiving weekend with her to pick up the rest of my crap, staying the weekend, and then driving back to Colorado.  I know, confusing and a lot of driving.  However, I'd rather do it this way than spend another two weeks waiting for her to get time off again.  Plus...Chris actually told me he would like it if I came here for Thanksgiving.  I know, I know.  Bad idea.  I'm just hoping we stay on good terms and can be friends.

I apologize again for not keeping up with everyone.  It's hard to do so due to the lack of internet access.  It makes me feel guilty because I know a lot of you read and comment every time I blog but never get one in return.  Rest assured, I will be back to normal scheduling soon.  Hopefully.  I actually got a promising job offer (nanny position) so I'm crossing my fingers that will work out when I get there.

In other news- I just read Stephanie's blog and SHE FOUND AN AGENT!  How fricken awesome is that?!?!  I'm jealous as hell, but she deserves it so much!  I'm excited for her.  :)  So if you get a chance, swing by her blog and tell her congrats!

Cooper and Beauty will be living with Chris for the next couple weeks, and when I come back they will make the 13 hour journey back with us.  I'm hoping they take it okay.  They will basically be locked in my bedroom though, because my friend has a dog and I'm not sure how that would work out.  I'm going to be investing in a dog pen and tossing their cage as well, so they won't be locked in all the time.  I feel terrible having to take them away from this environment, but there's not much else I can do. 

So, that's my update for now.  I will try to get back to reading all of my subscriptions soon.  Seems like I would have a lot of time on my hands when I'm not working, but I've been busy as hell.  Stay with me and I promise you'll enjoy my coming blogs- I'm sure my adventures in a small Colorado town are going to be worth the wait!

A Beer A Day...

I hate not being able to use my laptop.  I lot.  I'll leave it at that.

So, this weekend wasn't as bad as I thought, but it wasn't the good weekend I wanted.  I didn't get to leave because a few things went astray in the plans, but I'll be in Colorado Halloween night.  I doubt we'll be doing anything after my friends spend 26 hours on the road and I am emotionally and mentally worn out, but we'll see when we get there.

Chris has been unusually nice to me.  This isn't a bad thing, but it does make me wonder how he feels about everything.  You see, a man doesn't like to discuss his feelings.  Most of the time, they can go years without expressing any sort of feeling they have, unless it's anger at not being able to watch a football game on Sunday afternoon.  Chris is good at being mad and he's good at being annoyed.  As far as I can tell, he isn't good at being sad nor disappointed nor anxious.  I'm good at everything, but that's because I'm a woman. 

I hate overdoing the, "I just want to know what is wrong," statement.  I hate asking, period, but I want to know.  How come he was a complete ass for a month and couldn't tell me what was wrong?  Why was it so hard to say, "I just need some space"?  I would have no problem saying that.  I have never had a problem with it.  As a matter of fact, I would have definitely preferred hearing that instead of him telling me to just leave him alone and he won't be home at all for the weekend, making me wonder what I did wrong and what was he doing that he didn't want me to know about.  It's all just ridiculous.

The cure to a man's daily problems is a beer at night.  Drink a beer, watch some TV, and go to bed.  Seems to help them relax and just forget the day.  I wish it were that easy for me.  "A beer a day keeps the problems at bay."  ...

I drank this weekend.  Not a lot.  I know better.  I even had a discussion with someone about it.  If I've had a rough day, but have no qualms with a person, sure, I can drink and be fine.  But if I am upset or sad or annoyed, you can bet the alcohol will bring it out.  So I don't have the choice of just coming home and drinking a beer.  I watched Chris do it and was jealous.  It has a lot to do with the fact that I'm also bipolar, but in general, I've learned many, many people have the same problem with drinking.  It's ridiculous.  And not just women- my dad has been known to burst into tears when he is a little tipsy.

Chris is lucky.  If he can mute his emotions by drinking a beer and playing video games, good for him.  I wish I could, as well.  Hell, I can't even mute my emotions by ignoring them.  Or ignoring everyone else.  I tried.  Man, did I try this weekend.  I wanted to just have fun.  Chris and I were getting along, he was being nice to me, we hung out with old friends and laughed and everything.  But that is definitely not what was happening on the inside.  I'm sure he knows better.  How can he believe I'm okay with this?  Especially after the crying fits and hiding in the bedroom all week and not wanting to shower?  I know, I know, not a good idea, but you know how it is. 

I'm hoping when I move to Colorado, I will be able to take the "A Beer A Day" approach.  I haven't seen the friend I'm staying with in four years.  We used to have so much fun together.  Of course, times change, and we were young then, but still.  I'll have to drink a light beer and hope it doesn't go straight to my gut, but it's nothing a little running can't cure.  I guess we'll see when I get there.

Waiting to Breathe...

You know what?  I love you guys.  I can't answer every single one of the comments I was left, and I'm sorry for that.

But I will tell you- I love my readers.  I love my commenters.  And I think I'm okay with life.

A lot has happened.  I still haven't moved.  I still don't have unlimited access to a computer.  But- I still have my same readers and friends.  GOD I love YOU for that! 

Okay- so onto the update-

This week has been emotional.  I haven't kept dry-eyed for even one day.  But I will tell you, every day has gotten easier. 

Chris and I have officially broken up.  At this point, we are both safe to say, it is the way it will be.  I can't say I completely agree, but I do, for the most part.  Last weekend was hell- literally.

I won't even go into what I went through, but I will tell you the gist: D and J will not leave, and I am now the second (or third) woman in the picture.  But you know what??  I am okay with this now.

I've had a week to digest moving to Colorado, and giving up my life here, in Phoenix, and to the heat in Arizona.  And I don't change my mind.  I am excited.  I've cried every given moment- even tonight- but I am still excited.  My friend says she likes it.  And she is also from northern Michigan.  I think I will follow her footsteps.  I haven't seen her in years, I will tell you, and when we talk it seems like just yesterday.

I've never had to worry about her as a roommate, and for that I am grateful.  However, everyday I have to spend longer with Chris makes me more anxious.  More scared.  lol.  Is that a word?

Okay in the middle of all this, thank you SO MUCH AGAIN to Steph.  I am taking forever to update but she has AGAIN given me an award!  I love you!

I really plan on updating again, believe me.  Probably tomorrow.  This week has just been...emotional and confrontational and ugly.  :-/ Not a good time, believe me.

I love you all, again, and I will be back!

I'm Doing It

Again, sorry for the lack of updates.  Things are hectic.  Why?  Because.  Chris and I are officially done.  And I'm either moving out this weekend, or next.  Where to?  Colorado.

Yes ma'ams and sirs, I am leaving this pavement paradise of Phoenix and heading to the Rockies.  I got an offer from a friend to go stay with her and find work there and start over, and get away from all the crappy memories I have here in Arizona.

I reconnected with my dad over the weekend, and I don't know how I feel about it all.  He has always made me feel very inferior and worthless.  He's constantly telling me how I need to stop blaming other people for my problems.  Um...I didn't know I blamed anyone for my problems, but okay, Dad.  My heart is broken and that's all you have to say?

Chris left the entire weekend.  I don't know where he went.  He still hasn't come home, except to pick up clean clothes for work last night.  He was here for all of ten minutes then left.  Again.  And I sat in my room, watching my seasons of The O.C. on DVD all night, drinking rum and Cokes because, well, I was wallowing.  ...Wallowing.  What a weird ass word.

Today though, is a new day.  Although my heart hurts and I get sporatic spurts of tears still, I'm hoping that this is a message from God to me, saying, "Here is your chance to get out of Phoenix."  Even if it means leaving behind Chris.

But, let me just say this-

He is a good guy.  He is just confused and he knows he doesn't want to move away from Phoenix, like I do.  He didn't see any point in staying with me when he knows I'm going to be moving away eventually, with or without him.  Who knows if that would have actually happened.  Maybe I would have changed my mind for him a year from now, and decided my home is where he is.  But now we'll never know.  I feel heartsick and devastated by this, and Lord knows my sheets probably need to be washed because of all the snot on them.  I'll always love Chris; I still do.  I can't say that enough.  I love him, probably more than I've loved any of my past ex's, including the fiance.  He opened up my mind to new things and showed me how I should be treated (before this last month), and he stood by my side through most of the trials we went through.  He didn't mind my craziness, and he chose to be with me even when it meant giving up his loser brother and old pothead, party crazy friends.  He chose me for a whole year, even though he was young and had every right to live like a boy before he has to become an adult with responsibilities.  I'll always remember the good times.

Anyhow...I gotta start job hunting and packing and figuring out what I'm taking and what I'm leaving.  The buns are coming with me.  I'm not sure how they'll handle 12 hours in a car.  But...I'm sure we'll be able to let them out along the way.

On to the long, hard road...

Berry Weiss. My Friday night indulgence while I'm alone. I know, it's never good to drink alone. But, yet again, my boyfriend has ditched me to be with people I don't like. Boy I'm pathetic.