Friday, March 5, 2010

Places You Have Come To Fear The Most

My title comes from a song by Dashboard Confessional, of the same name.  You should check it out sometime.

I haven't been back here in a while.  Why? you ask.  Because- I feared reading what I had written about the 'incident' and what other people had to say about it.  I suppose I shouldn't fear such things- there are far worse obstacles to get through.

I really have nothing in particular that I would like to blog about today, but I would like to bring up several topics that have been on my mind.  Rather, questions really, not topics, although they could make entire blogs themselves.  First up to bat- dating and age.

When is it okay for an older woman to actually hit on a younger man?  I'm not talking 40 year old cougar hitting on 25 year old law student.  Think younger than that, on both counts.  I know someone who is my age, talking to an 18 year old.  That is a 6 year difference, in age and probably moreso in maturity.  Does an 18 year old guy even know what he's doing in life, let alone with an older woman?  I'm not so sure.  I have mixed feelings.  The guy can be incredibly insightful, yet at times I feel there is something lacking- like, several years.  I suppose it's in the eye of the beholder.

I don't want to delve too far into that because I would rather not dissect it.  It will make me critical of the people involved and that's something I'm not willing to do at this point.

The second issue would be- what to do when you've fallen out of love, but can't bring yourself to admit it.

The time has come.  After months and months of being frustrated and devastated and torn, I've finally hit my brick wall- I am no longer in love.  Whether it is because of the numerous break ups, the things he has done to me, or the names he has called me, I no longer care.  I don't want to be with him anymore.  It is quite obvious he is only with me out of convenience, so what is so hard about this?

How can you explain to someone you just need time to figure out where you're going to go and what you're going to do before you move out?  I have no idea.  That's the truth.  I have nowhere to go.  Last time this happened I moved to Colorado, and that didn't turn out so well.  I was back here a month later.  But now it is me doing the breaking up.  What do I say?  "I don't love you anymore, but I need to stay here until I figure out my life?"  I'm sure that'll go over real well.

How confusing and difficult.  I thought the worst was behind me in high school.  These are definitely more substantial and crazy times for me.  I'll be 25 in 3 months, yet I feel years older.  I look it, too.  The stress and sadness has definitely taken it's toll on me.

While I'm here, I'd like to thank the people who haven given me awards that I haven't mentioned.  I do recognize them, though, and will try to get around to posting them.  I appreciate your support and attention, though.

With that, I sign off.  Happy March, everyone.  The first day of spring is just around the corner.