Saturday, October 3, 2009

The Softball Game: Do or Die

Lately my posts have been focusing more on my personal life than I originally planned for this blog.  I really wanted to discuss things like, where to go for great Mexican food, why living with a guy has its ups and downs, and how much I hate the city.  Tonight I'm getting ready to go to Chris's softball game, and I'm a little on edge about it, so again I'm getting personal.  It's a little different though.

As I mentioned in the last few blogs, Chris has made friends that I'm not particularly okay with, but I haven't told him who he can and can't hang out with, because, that's just not me.  They are going to be showing up at his softball game.  Not only that, but we will be riding with them.  This will be the deciding factor in whether or not I will be okay with his friendship with them. 

So far, J has been okay with me.  She's friendly, she doesn't text Chris or call him a whole lot, and she doesn't overstay her welcome (most of the time).  The thing with being friends with someone (especially a guy) that is in a serious relationship is that you have to be friends with the other half, too, otherwise it's not going to work out and probably cause problems.  Chris has dropped most of his single life friends, because they still insist on getting shitty-face drunk and getting into trouble every weekend.  Chris was like them, at one point, I suppose.  When we first met, it was at work, and I was on a three month streak of being sober for the benefit of my mental health.  He was fine with that, and still wanted to hang out and talk to me.  Which I thought was cool of him.

Anyhow, about two months into seeing each other, his old roommate came home to their apartment, completely drunk, and slobbering and stumbling, and decided to pick a fight with me, of all people.  The thing with me is, if you can't speak coherently or at least make some sense, I will just stare at you.  Chris and I had been happily enjoying our night with our old friend Bill, and Bill loved me.  He thought I was funny and we even hung out sometimes when Chris was still at work.  Bill moved, sadly, a couple months ago, and we haven't been able to replace him.  Anyhow, roommate called me the C word.  Yes, the deadly C word.  Chris didn't hear him, but Bill did, and he was close to punching him.  And I just stood up, went to Chris's room, and let them continue their party.  Chris soon joined me because he realized his roommate was being a jerk.  I told him about it, but Chris wouldn't do anything because his roommate was just like that, and it was the only place Chris had to stay.  I understood.  He wasn't on the lease, so drunken slob roommate got away with everything but murder while I was around.  Finally, though, I stood up for Chris, and it was the end of that.

Everyone thought Chris was whipped, as guys refer to it.  A lot of guys catch shit for being whipped by a girl, and that's kind of sad.  Just because a guy respects and prefers to make his girlfriend happy does not mean he is whipped.  I know the difference between being controled and just being respectful, and I definitely do not and will not ever control Chris.  But, his friends bailed.  And guess what?  Most of them have been in trouble with the law and put in jail in the last year, and guess where Chris is?  Living comfortably (even if a little broke) in a two bedroom with me and has a pretty stable life.  How many 20 year olds can say that?  Even better, he has a girlfriend that loves him and wants the best for him, not just what she wants.  I don't tell Chris what to do, even when I know he is wrong.  He does make mistakes, and sometimes that really hurts me in the process, but we've gotten through it. 

ANYWAY, off track, Chris has chosen this life over being a single party guy and I'm letting him make his own decisions.  But I won't let other girls into the picture that just want to drag him out at all hours of the night and try to make him become something he's not.  If he chooses to ignore my wishes, I guess I know it really is done between us, however, so far he hasn't made that choice, except once this past Thursday (and he has paid the price because I won't let him live it down and I also have really gotten my way the past few days, haha).  These girls are 20 years old, they live together, they party all the time with a bunch of guys and they even look like trouble.  I'm not down with that.  Even when I was 20 I had no desire to wreck my life.  Seems like these girls down care.  Tonight I'm going to be a nice person, though, and talk to them, and try to be their friend.  Like I've said to a couple of friends of Chris's- any friend of his is a friend of mine.  That's usually when the girls bolt.  Like, the girl he was talking to on MySpace that he went to school with- I guess she wrote him and said, "Get at me when you're single, I don't do girlfriends."  ...Yeah, I can see she's a real  friend, Chris.  Good Lord.

I have fun at softball games usually, even when I'm sitting by myself, so I'm kinda hoping these girls are cool so I have more fun, but I'm not getting my hopes up.  Chris got a text earlier while he was playing a video game and asked me to answer it.  It was D (girl he was texting last weekend) and she asked, "Where is the game at hun."  ...I answered her question, but I did it in my own way (hahahaha).  "It's west of Cholla and 19th Ave.  He says if you just pick him up he'll give you directions."  HAHAHAHA!  She then called a few minutes later and was like, "Um, who was that?"  And Chris said, "My girlfriend."  That made me do this: -------> :D  Who do you think it was, seriously?  Gimme a break.  And yes, I'm going to the game. 

So, there are my plans for tonight.  We'll see if it works out.  I'm really hoping they don't turn out to be complete snobs.  Sometimes even I can seem like a snob when I don't know what to say.  The only time that happens, though, is when people make me uncomfortable, then I get quiet.  I think most people can agree with that, though.  It's hard to start a conversation when you don't feel right.  If it doesn't feel right, I'll just tell Chris that I get a bad vibe (even if it is only from D) and that I don't really want her hanging around us.  He should respect that, because I'm not a bad judge of character.  After all, I like all you, right?  :D

Okay, I'm done.  I don't even know if I finished my whole point or not, but I'll figure it out later lol.  Have a good night everyone!

Friday, October 2, 2009


Well, I was going to wait til tomorrow (or morning, at least) to blog about this, but I can't sleep.  And I figured I'd get an early start and have less to do tomorrow before work.

I told you guys all about my paranoia and that I've been freaking out.  All week long Chris and I have been fighting, and I didn't know where this sudden urge to fight with me came from!  We've always been the couple people like to hang out with because we get along so well, and we don't argue in front of people, and we're fun.  Last weekend, not so fun.  This whole week, definitely not fun.  In fact, I'm sure these new people he has been bringing over after work thing I'm a real bitch, with the way that I've been acting.

It really isn't fair, either, because I'm not about to go blurt out to them why I'm acting like this heinous beast.  It's not their business.  I shouldn't care, either, what they think.  I'm sure Chris has told them his version of the story, and they've got their preconceived notions of me.  I can't change that.  Then again, I shouldn't have to.  This should not have been going on at all!

Tonight (last night) was absolutely awful.  I already talked about how Chris never had any interest in MySpace until recently.  Well, I don't get on much, but I got on a couple times today just to see if he was on, and he was.  We didn't have our phones (yay, now we do!), so I had every right to ask him what was going on later.  I wanted to go get some food for dinner, and make him a nice meal so that he'd be in a good mood.  He got bad news today, about his job, and I just wanted to help. 

He kept saying he was busy, or he wasn't supposed to be online.  I knew this was bull crap right away.  He gets online all the time, and so do all of his friends.  So it was a lame excuse not to have to talk to me.  And the thing was, I wasn't even trying to be a bitch or fight with him, I just wanted to know what he wanted for dinner!

Finally, around 7:30, he finally messages me and says he'll be a little bit late because his ride had to do something real quick.  I figured he didn't usually get home til quarter after 8, so I'd go grab something for dinner, and start making it around 8:30.  It'd be done by the time he got home.  I decided to make pancakes and eggs, because that is what we always used to have when we first moved in together.  We both love breakfast food, so I thought I'd try to redo the one year anniversary that was botched on Tuesday.

It failed.  He didn't show up.  Come 9, I was a bit anxious.  Come 10, I was getting nervous.  Come 11, I was pissed.  I finally walked to the nearest payphone to try to find J's phone number (that's who he was with) and track them down.  The one person that knew it wasn't answering her stupid phone.  I was so mad I started crying while I was walking home.  Then I started to think something bad had happened.  Finally, at quarter after midnight, I decided I didn't give a shit if he didn't give a shit.  I wrote him a note that said, "You seem to really care about me and my feelings.  Thanks a lot.  P.S. I made you pancakes."  I left it right where he usually sits so there'd be no way he would miss it.  I planned on going to bed, but every time I'd start to drift off, I'd jerk myself awake.

I decided to try to get the phones on then.  I paid the balace off, and the service was activated again immediately, thank God.  Why he is carrying around a phone he can't use, I don't know, but I'm glad he did.  As soon as he answered he knew he was in trouble.  I started shrieking about how worried I had been, what a selfish asshole he was being, what the hell did he think he was doing, and about a million other things I'd rather not post here.  He apologized, over and over again.  "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I know, we got sidetracked, I had no way to call you."  That's the last time I ever go without a phone.  We will get the cable and Internet shut off before we go without our phones.  Finally, he says he'll be home in a little bit, they're leaving.  I was so mad I just hung the phone up.

Then, I hear outside my window fifteen minutes later, car doors slamming and people talking.  Oh no, there should only be ONE door slamming, and it's his.  Of course, the inconsiderate jerk decides to invite up J and this other dude I've never met, who spent the duration of his visit in the bathroom throwing up.  I was even more livid.  It took everything I had not to cause a scene in front of everyone.  Being the grown up and well-mannered woman I am, I stayed in the bedroom and vented to myself.  Finally, at ONE THIRTY IN THE MORNING, they left, and Chris came in the bedroom, and started to apologize again.

I didn't want to hear it, really.  But it gave me leverage.  I told him, "You know, I don't care if you go out with your friends, but at least do it when I know where you are and how to get a hold of you."  And he said it was his fault, blah blah blah, he should have asked to be dropped off first.  He had been drinking, though.  I finally got the courage to ask him, "Why did you change your password and why have you been on Myspace so much lately?"  And I think his guilt from the night got to him, because he didn't even argue and told me his password, and the reason why he has been online.

He recently got into contact with a girl from school, and they have been messaging back and forth.  It's not the girl that I thought it was, but it is still a girl.  I asked him why he felt he had to change his password, when he knows I am not the type of person to be nosy or snoopy like that.  He didn't have a clear answer for that one.  I can only guess that it is because he felt guilty.

He spent the duration of the night in the bathroom being sick.  I don't feel sorry for him at all.  I've been tearing my hair out all week, trying to patch things up between us, and he has done nothing but make it worse.  So I hope this is karma coming back to him.  He was very nice and sweet to me before going to bed, and told me he loves me and that he wants to work things out.  I'm wondering how long this will last, but at the same time, I'm just glad everything happened the way it did, otherwise I might still be in a rut.

ANYHOW.  Whew.  That was long.  But now you know what happened, and that karma does have its way.  :)

Friday Fill-In/Karma

My Friday Fill-In is as follows:

1. I have a history of cars breaking down when I'm in them.
2. When I will get a better job is something I wish I knew.
3. I'm eating (or recently ate) pancakes for dinner!.
4. Can't wait to get back on the road.
5. So that's it, that's all you have to say?
6. I guess an apology is better than nothing!
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to finally getting some sleep, tomorrow my plans include working and Sunday, I want to get some housework done!
I was going to write a second part to this, but it will have to wait because Benedryl is kicking my butt, and I have to get up early.  Bleh.  I will definitely write about it tomorrow!  You'll like to hear about this.  :)

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Group Blog Thursday: Books I Loved Growing Up

This week Stephanie's topic for group blog Thursday is about what books we loved growing up.  Personally I love this topic, because my favorite books growing up are nothing like what I read now, or even what I want to write!  I never noticed it before, but really, how crazy is it that our taste in books grows as we do?  I think I would enjoy going back and reading some of the books I used to, but not necessarily because I really liked the books, but because they're a part of my past!  They're the reason I want to be a writer, and the reason I want to spread my own love of books to other people.

My favorite authors used to be V.C. Andrews, Christopher Pike, and R.L. Stine.  *LOL!*  I can't help but laugh a little bit because, what girl didn't love these authors as a pre-teen or teen?  My favorite series was The Last Vampire series, by Christopher Pike.  I still have all of these in paperback.  I think I might dig them out just for old time's sake.  I think my obsession with vampires is the only thing that carried on from my childhood.  However, I have no urge to write about them.  I would slaughter my fascination with them in my attempt to create a story about them.  That's no fun!

Stephanie mentioned that her favorite was Flowers in the Attic by V.C. Andrews, pre-ghostwriter.  That series is also one of my favorites.  I actually started reading post-ghostwriter, because my mom bought me a paperback while I was in the hospital.  It was the first in the series called Orphans.  They were separated into four small books, each of them about a different girl in an orphanage, and their experience.  I began reading it and was hooked.  By then, the ghostwriter for V.C. Andrews was pumping out a new novel every couple of months, so I didn't really get to backtrack to Flowers in the Attic until I was 18 or 19, but I loved it.  I still want to read the earlier Andrews' books because she was so dark in her writing.  At one point, I really wanted to write novels like this, but later, I realized I wanted to keep them as my entertainment, not as my work (and source of frustration at times!).  But she still remains to be one of my favorite authors.

And of course, everyone remembers the Goosebumps series, right?  Right.  Well, I was a little too mature for Goosebumps, despite my mom not thinking so.  Ha ha.  I started reading R.L. Stine's other series, directed towards teen girls, about crazy girlfriends, and ghost best friends, and haunted houses on Fear Street.  I loved horror even when I was just 12, but my mom wouldn't let me read her Stephen King books.  Instead, she fed my thirst by handing me the book Sunburn by Stine's.  I loved it, and still have it (I still have most of my paperbacks from middle and high school...sue me).  These are the books that made me want to write, especially for teenagers whose parents don't want them to read more mature works.  If my mom hadn't steered me towards these books to tide over my hunger for reading, I might never have come to writing, and even submitting my first novel to be published! 

I guess this means I should really thank these authors for getting me started on something that I haven't been able to stop.  You've inspired me and filled my mind with the craziest situations, but that were so real I could believe them.  And now, I'm trying to create the same visuals for teenagers (and adults, hopefully) and hope that I can only be compared to you later in my career.  Thank you!

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Inspiration to My Ears/MySpace: All Drama, All The Time

Oh, I just LOVE doing group blogs and doing my part when I'm tagged in something!  This week Miss Susan decided to tag all of her readers to post seven songs that have inspired us in our lives.  She decided to post seven that inspired her while writing her YA novel.  I'm pretty sure all of us use music in our writing to set the mood.  I do it, too, but I usually have artists that play nonstop during my writing process.

So I'm going to go with the flow here and post seven songs that have inspired me in my life.  Because there are so many, I'm going by the play count on my iTunes.  At one point, I know that one song got over 200 plays, but then my computer crashed and I had to start over.  :-/  Boo hoo!!  However, there are a few that have gotten many many plays, so I'll start picking my seven from there!

1.  Tired and Uninspired by My American Heart
2.  The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot by Brand New
3.  The Best I've Ever Had by Vertical Horizon
4.  Jesus by Brand New
5.  Staplegunned by The Spill Canvas
6.  Here We Stand by Amber Pacific
7.  Split Screen Sadness by John Mayer

If I really had to go by my play count all but two would be Brand New, so I limited it to two Brand New Songs.  But I really love all of these songs so it works out, and they do inspire me, in everyday life and in my writing.  Woo hoo!

If you can't tell, I'm in a much better mood today, and I'm pretty thankful because my weekend was so hideously crappy I could have stayed in bed with a bottle of sleeping pills at my bedside and been content to take one every time I woke up.  Yesterday at work I was a bag of Mexican jumping beans because, well...I'm just nervous.  I used to know what to expect when I got home from work.  Now, I'm not sure what will be going on.  And it's all because of a stupid site that I decided to take an extended absence from due to lack of interest and too much drama.  Even when I'm not on it, it causes drama.  It's ridiculous.

Confused?  Me, too!  Well, let me tell you pointe blank.  Chris has a MySpace.  A couple months back, he finally added me as a friend, and he was never on it, so I was always updating it for him.  He didn't give a crap, and sometimes it was a blessing because most of the time, girls will turn to MySpace for information their boyfriend isn't telling them.

Well, Chris changed his password.  Maybe he wanted his privacy, and that is fine.  I didn't ask about it and I left it alone.  It is his space, after all.  The only reason I ever got on was when he was there with me, and we were uploading pics or whatever.  The problem is, his password changed last week, before everything went down, so it just added to my nervousness about the stickiness between us.  The only reason I don't ask him straight out is, well, he won't believe I knew last week.  He'll think I found out this weekend and that I was being snoopy, but I really wasn't, at all.  I sound so desperate in maintaining my innocence in all of this, but I am desperate.  I'm not jealous or snoopy or nuts.  It's a coincidence.  And I keep telling myself it is just a coincidence that he changed his password around the time he decided he wasn't moving to Michigan and he almost broke it off with you.  That is all.

But, I forgot that I had added his new girl friend J as a friend sometime last week.  She seemed cool, and she invited us over to have drinks so I thought maybe it'd be nice of me to add her.  Well, she hasn't accepted my friend request, and her profile is on private, so I have no idea if that means anything.  I don't know if she's friends with D (the other girl), and I don't know if Chris and her talk.  That makes me nervous.  It sounds pathetic to confront him about stupid MySpace, though.

The thing that made me nervous at work though, was the fact that Chris had logged onto MySpace everyday since Friday.  Usually, he is NEVER on there.  Ever.  He has told me on several occasions that he wants to delete it.  Not only that, but he jumped right on changing his status to single.  It took him almost eight months to change it to "In A Relationship," but he remembers right away to change it to "Single"?  Maybe I am just crazy...But I did ask him about that.  And he said he did it Monday, when he was at work and sure that we were done, but I'd have to disagree, because it wasn't changed when I looked at his page about an hour before he got out of work.  UGH!  Stupid, stupid MySpace!

The good news in all of this is that, even though I only work like, twice a week most of the time, the part-time assistant manager Amber is freakin' awesome and we get along really well, and when I told her what was going on, she completely understood.  She told me if her b/f was acting funny she'd be doing the same things.  And all of you have comforted me in the fact that I'm not acting like a total paranoid freak, and it makes things a little easier.  I've said it before, but seriously, I have no friends here, at all, so when I read your comments, I breathe easier.  :)  You guys, and Amber, make me feel sane!  Chris has made me feel like I'm just being nosy and trying to find something on him, but I know I'm not doing anything wrong now.

Anyhow, Cooper is chewing on the cords behind the TV so I have to go whoop his ass (just kidding!).  I'm going to work on the novel for a little while, and see how that comes along.  I wrote quite a bit this weekend, but got sidetracked in all the drama.  I'm shooting for at least ten pages today. 

Happy Hump Day!

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Words Are Louder Through Tears

So, I just wanted to update you in this hellish ordeal I'm going through.  Once I am done with this whole thing I can get back to writing about things that actually interest me and not just the things that have been bothering me hardcore since Saturday.

Chris and I talked Sunday for a little while, but it was crap.  It was a crap talk and nothing was accomplished because he is a typical guy.  Well, really, he is not a typical guy, because instead of looking uncomfortable when I was crying, I could tell he was also hurting.  He kept his mouth shut and listened to me, but for some reason, he just didn't want to admit I was right in anything I was saying.  If he can't admit that there is a problem in this whole scenario, then there would be no point in me pointing out said problems (with a pointer stick).  I really needed a large paper pad on an eisel, so I could draw out a diagram of how one thing lead to another, and slap it every time I was making an important point.

Nothing was accomplished, as I was saying.  So yesterday, he went to work.  I was miserable.  I just feel awful when there is a bad situation surrounding me but I can't resolve it.  I don't like people being upset with me when I have no idea what I have done.  It isn't fair.  Therefore, all day, basically, I did nothing.  Well, I did laundry and organized the bedroom a bit better, but it was just a show.  I tried to act like nothing was wrong, when really, this "break up" was eating at my soul.

Chris then messaged me online.  He said that he had been reading my Facebook and saw that I was talking shit about him.  Correction: WRONG!  Wrong, wrong, wrong.  I will tell you what was said "in the heat of the moment," and then I will tell you why he is wrong.

My long-lost cousin commented on my status, because I said that I hated all men and that I was sick of girls getting the rap for being dramatic, but if men weren't idiots then we wouldn't have to act like this.  My cousin then commented and said, "Whoa!  What did I do?"  I can't remember everything I said in my reply, but basically, the thing Chris was mad about was the fact that I said somewhere in my rant that, "If he had a car I would smash all his windows in.  Not really, but still.  That's how mad I am."

Okay, *slaps pointer* this is not talking "shit".  This is emphasizing how mad and upset I was over the whole situation.  Just because he keeps his mouth shut (which, really, I will never really know because I don't talk to any of his friends and have no interest in talking to them) when he is upset doesn't mean everyone does.  This is my way to vent, to get things out of my system so I can then become a normal human being to converse with him, instead of the angry beast I am in the heat of the moment.  I told Chris this: "I was mad, I don't know what you want me to say.  I'm sorry?  I didn't say anything bad about you, and I also said, 'Not really' right after I made that comment."

He didn't care.  He just kept saying, "I just don't think this is going to work out, this won't work, I can't do this," and every other form of "we are done" that he could come up with.  Which, honestly, isn't anything new.  He already said that, so why does he keep pointing it out?  Ugh.  It was just upsetting me.

Finally, he said, "I'm at work, so we'll talk about this when I get home."  Which I didn't mind.  I finished my stupid chores and went about my merry way (okay, it wasn't so merry, I slammed clothes in drawers and threw dirty ones in the washer).  He shows up a little after 8, and says he has to go get something, and he'll be back in a little while.

I don't want to say what said something is, but it is nothing good.  And I was pissed at this point.  It took everything I had not to start throwing things around my room, but it would accomplish nothing, so I just said, "We need to talk, I've been waiting to talk to you.  Which is more important, this something or me?"

Chris looked at me, like he knew no matter what he was screwed so he said, "You, obviously, but I have a ride and I have to go get it."  I just said "whatever" and he made a remark about how it would only take a few minutes and he'd be right back.  Some  reassurance, and I didn't believe him for a minute.  Mind you, after I had asked him about this girl (D) he had been texting, he said she was in California with her boyfriend and she hadn't been with her friend J Monday morning or night, so I just kept my mouth shut.  I know better than to believe this junk.  She may have a boyfriend in California, but that doesn't mean crap.  He's in California, not here to watch this girl.  Not saying it's all her fault, because it most definitely isn't, but, anyhow.

I waited over an hour.  This errand, that should, really, have only taken twenty minutes, took over an hour.  I was mad.  I was pissed.  I don't know where this new Chris came from.  I have no idea.  This is not the guy I started dating last fall.  I know he has his faults, and I know things change, but not overnight.  When did I miss the transition?  Where was I?  And why had it happened?  I know things get rocky sometimes when a couple is stressed, but this is ridiculous.  He is a totally different person. 

Anyhow, finally, after ten o'clock last night (he originally got home around ten after eight), I got to talk to him.  Everything just poured out.  I don't even remember half of the things I said, but I remember at one point I asked why all of a sudden he didn't want to move to Michigan with me, and why he had been acting so weird.  His answer is always that he doesn't want to leave Phoenix.  I pointed out *slaps pointer* several times that if he moves with me, and decides it isn't for him, he can come right back, and pick up where he left off.  It's not like he has anything here.  That sounds really bitchy, but before I came along, he literally had nothing.  I'm not exaggerating.  The boy has had a hard life, and I just want to help him and make it easier.  I'm not trying to control him, or make him do something he doesn't want to do.  I just want to show him what other options he has. 

Finally I said, "It's like you're saying that I'm not worth the move to Michigan."  And maybe that was a low blow, but you know what his reply was?

"Obviously if I don't want to go to Michigan with you you're not worth it."

...The old Chris would never have said something like this.  I just...I couldn't believe it.  I still can't believe it.  Who is this dickhead (sorry, language) that suddenly took over his body?!  I dropped onto the bed at this point, because I had nothing to say.  What else could I say?  He said it all.  I'm not worth risking a move to Michigan.  The worst part was, all I could think about was how I had basically spent every penny I'd saved moving in with him and saving him from going to jail back in November, and now I am broke, but he can't just move to Michigan for a little while, to see how he likes it.  It's not like he wouldn't be able to come back to the same exact place he would be if I moved.  I'm taking my name off of the lease, and without my name on the lease, he can't be here.  So, he will be homeless.  And if he has any friends that offer him a place to live, well, I'm sure they'll still be here 6 months after the fact.

So, the whole conversation after that kind of centered around the fact that if he was having second thoughts about moving with me across the country, he could have just said that, instead of dumping me and acting like a jerk for an entire weekend.  I told him, "If you don't want to move with me when the time comes, fine.  But why are you breaking up with me now over this?"  And maybe that is selfish, since right now I have nowhere else to go and have been sorta dependant on him.  But I'm not saying it because I'm being selfish- I'm saying it because I love him and I want to at least have the next nine months with him if I won't have him after that.

And he started going on and on about how we want two different things and he doesn't want to waste time doing that and blah fuckin' blah.  Doesn't this sound like the speech of a cheater to you?  I've heard it before.  A few times, unfortunately.  And I've heard my friends repeat it to me after their boyfriends say the same thing.  By the time he was done with his three sentences I had about had it with his excuses.  At that point, I was fed up with acting like his mother.  I'm not his damn mother.  I am (was) his girlfriend, and either he loves me enough to be with me, and figure things out in the next nine months, or he doesn't.  I shouldn't have even given him that choice, because he blatantly told me I'm not worth the move to Michigan, and it crushed me so badly that I felt like I was 16 again and going through my first break up all over again.

But I did, I gave him the choice.  And he said, "I love you, I want to be with you.  But I don't want to move to Michigan right now.  I want you to stay here."

There ya have it.  We made up.  That doesn't mean shit is fine between us, though.  You best bet I'm keeping tabs on him.  I am not going through this again.  I'm going to be the one in control next time.  This morning the girl J came to pick him up and I was right out in the living room, being polite and nice and sweet like I usually am.  She was wearing an outfit that I actually have, so it was easy to say, "I love your outfit," but I'm just waiting for her friend to come back from Cali and visit.  J doesn't seem all that bad, but you know how these girls are...they stick together, so I'm guaranteeing that if something is going on, she knows and supports it, or she knows and isn't stopping it. 

This blog is already way too long, so I'm stopping here.  I'll try to keep you guys in the loop if you care to know, though.  I've gotta get ready for work currently, and my medication has thrown me for a loop so I feel whacked out.  Should be a fun night.

Thanks for your support in all of this, and I hope everyone has a happy Tuesday.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Not Such a Fairytale

I know my last two posts were a bit depressing, so I wanted to write something a little more cheerful.  I really couldn't think of anything in my blank state of mind, then it suddenly occured to me-

I brought up Chris B. in one of my previous posts, whom was my REAL first love, and it ends with a happily ever after (or happily ever to-be-continued, whichever way you want to think of it).  I figured you might want to read something about it.  :)

Well, once upon a time, there was a nerd who lived in a box.  Okay, it wasn't a box, and I wasn't quite a nerd, but it adds to the story.  She had two very good friends she used to spend all of her time with, and it brought her to a basketball game.  This nerd hated basketball, but decided to go, since she had nothing else to do.

At this basketball game, she caught sight of the cutest boy she had ever seen.  He had blonde hair, and brown eyes, just like her, and he was the sweetest thing.  In fact, he was so sweet, he walked right up to her and offered her a Starburst candy.

"Would you like a Strawburst?"  the cute boy asked the nerd. 

The nerd, so in awe that this boy would offer her anything, shook her head, but she smiled because he had said Strawburst instead of Starburst, and also because he had the cutest smile ever.  He then offered her some Skittles, but the nerd told him, "I am getting braces, and I'm not supposed to eat sticky candy with my mouth piece."  The cute boy shrugged, and left her in the bleachers to join the rest of his friends.

The nerd wanted so badly to follow him, and talk to him, but she just couldn't; she was a mere 12 years old, and he seemed older.  There was no way he would ever want to be seen talking to her. 

Later on that night, the nerd asked her friend about the boy.  Her friend then told her, "That is Chris B.  He is really cute, but he's moving to Illinois this week."

The nerd was crushed.  The first boy that had ever paid her any attention was moving!  What were the odds of that?  She then asked her friend if she could get his new address, and her friend said she could, because they were good friends.

It took several months for the nerd to build the courage up to write the cute boy.  She kept writing and re-writing letters, but she never had anything interesting to say to this boy she had only met once.  One day, after a particularly long night of letter-writing, the nerd's mother said to her, "I ran into some old friends at the grocery store today."

The nerd could really care less, but feigned some interest, anyhow.  "Oh yeah?"

"Yes, do you remember Chris B. and his sister K?" 

The nerd perked up at this.  "Chris B.?  You used to babysit Chris B.?"

Her mother laughed at her, and told her, "Yes, of course!  You two used to be inseparable!  He was your first kiss, you know."

Suddenly, the nerd had something to write to the cute boy about.  She could tell him that her mother used to babysit him, and what a coincidence it was that they used to be best friends!  She set out to write the letter that night. 

Just a couple weeks later, she received a surprise in the mail.  Cute boy had written her back, and it was no short letter; it was several pages long.  He told her that he had asked his own mother about her story, and she remembered it as well.  They had, indeed, been each other's first kisses.

They became very good friends, and were pen pals for several years.  Finally, cute boy moved back to Michigan, and they were able to actually meet up for the first time in years.  The nerd already had a boyfriend, but she set her cousin and cute boy up to go to homecoming together.  They had a lot of fun at the dance, and became even better friends.

As time went on, though, the two friends grew apart, as it happens when you graduate from school.  The pair hadn't seen each other in almost six years, yet again, when they happened to run into each other at a party.  The exchanged numbers, and for a while they dated.  It seemed like a perfect match, but it turns out, they made better friends than lovers.

The pair parted ways and ever since, have been close.  Cute boy now is with a very beautiful girl, but writes the nerd often and they miss each other very much.  Every time the nerd visits Michigan, they meet up and talk, just like old times.  He is one of her best friends, and he tells her she is one of his best friends, as well.  They both hope their friendshipship will stretch on for years to come.

And they now live happily ever, er, well, you get the point.

The end.

(Or, the middle.)

Trials and Textulations

Listening To: Chris Botti- When I Fall In Love album

I had a long weekend, to say the least.  I discovered about a thousand new things that I didn't want/need to know.  But, now I do.  It's up to me to choose how to use all this information; however, right now I just don't want to process it.  So I'm choosing not to, for right now.  It's hard enough to even think about the tiny things that went wrong, let alone the big picture.  I need to find a new job, stat, so I'm focusing on that (except right now, while I type this blog- I need a break).

If I had a full-time job, some extra money, and no responsibility, I would take a vacation right now.  Even if it was only to Michigan, I would go for a couple days, just to get away.  I don't, though.  In fact, my cell phone got shut off this morning because I'm three days late on my bill.  Yes, three days.  Some leeway they give for those of us in desperate times.  So I'm stuck here, in Phoenix, the place I hate most in the world, without a penny to my name, and so many thoughts that if I actually had a penny for every one of them, I'd be rich beyond belief.

I started taking all of my medication again yesterday.  I know this is going to be rough on me, and I don't feel like taking a risk and going through it all without help from those pills.  If I lose my creativity for a time, that is fine with me- so long as I'm not pulling my hair out and screaming every five seconds.  I stopped taking Tegretol back in April because it dulled my senses and my personality.  Most creative writers have spectacular senses, and outgoing personalities, even if they attempt to hide them.  This works against me, because my feelings just start bursting out of my mouth and I go nuts.  I'd rather not have that happen right now.  I need to keep my shit together so I can wade through it all with a clear head.  All right, it won't be clear, it'll be somewhat foggy, but at least I won't be crying my eyes out like I did all weekend.

*Insert huge sigh here*  I just don't know what to do (with myself).  Anyone that goes through a breakup with someone they love and live with is bound to experience everything I'm feeling right now.  My problem is, even after I spoke to my mom, and tried to get things together, I'm still in the same place.  That is because Chris is my sole supporter.  He supported me going part-time with my job, so I have no money.  He supported me giving up talking to my dad, who only made me upset every time we talked, so I have no contact with my only family out here.  This makes me suseptible to "helpless ex-girlfriend" syndrome.  Never heard of it?  It's that sickness ex-girlfriends get when they think they have no way out of a situation because they fully depended on their ex, and now without him/her, life is falling apart.

Maybe I'm being a drama queen, but I'm going to allow myself to be so because I seriously am stuck in a rut.  Without money, I'm doomed.  I have nothing/no one here in Phoenix.  My parents back in Michigan are in a bad situation, themselves, so they can't help.  And that about sums it up.  Unless I become a Lady of the Night (not really), I'm pretty much stuck here until I find a fantastic full-time job.

On top of all of this, I found out that there is probably another girl involved in this whole situation.  Perfect.  With me it seems there always is.  The worst part is, I wouldn't even know unless I hadn't given in to my curiosity last night and been a snoop.  Chris and I share a phone service.  How silly of me, right?  Yes, we share a phone service.  I allowed him to be on my account so that he wasn't wasting money on that prepaid nonsense.  Well, our phones are shut off, so I picked up the Blackberry that I had allowed him to use, and went to put it up on the dresser, and suddenly, I had this urge to see who he had been texting all weekend.  Usually he has about ten million texts to scroll through because he doesn't delete them.  He rarely has to because once the inbox is completely full the Blackberry takes it upon itself to delete them.  What are the chances that the Blackberry happened to delete them all last night before he went to bed?  I'd say slim to none.

There was one lone text in the outbox, that was sent about the time I decided to come out of the bedroom and watch TV with him.  It was to a girl.  A girl he supposedly was getting rides with to work for the last week and a half or so.  Except, she doesn't work with him anymore, her friend does.  The only reason this struck me as odd is because on Friday night, before any of the drama went down, this girl and her friend came over for a while after dropping Chris off.  Her friend, J, is perfectly nice.  I like her.  She has come in before dropping him off and has always been really nice to me.  D, though- I've never met, until Friday.  She came in with J, and they all hung out.  I was in the process of scrubbing down the tub and sink, so I wasn't paying much attention, but when I walked into the living room, she glared at me, went out on the patio to say something, then left the apartment, without introducing herself or anything.  I asked Chris that night about who she was, and he just said, "That's D, the one I told you about."  Uh, no you didn't.  But maybe I had temporarily blanked out during a conversation and didn't hear him.  I let it go.

This one text message was sent to this girl, that I had never really heard about, the weekend Chris and I have a falling out, out of NOWHERE, and it says: "did you already pass out for the night?"  What would go through your head if this was you?  Well, the first thing that crossed my mind was, "Why is he asking this girl if she passed out for the night?  Why does he care?  And why, suddenly, is he texting her?" 

Maybe I'm just paranoid.  But I know I'm not.  I am not the jealous type.  I don't just assume people I trust are betraying me without having some gut feeling that they are, and with some sort of proof that something is going on.  Now, mind you, I have been talking to B, but Chris knows this.  I've texted him in front of Chris and if Chris asked who it was, I said, "My friend B, in Michigan."  I don't care.  We don't talk about anything that Chris can't know about.  Mainly it has focused around his fiance leaving him, and I'm just an open ear.  But Chris has never mentioned talking to D.  Ever.  I'm pretty sure of that.  I have a wonderful memory, unlike him.  After I found it, I had to ask him about it.

Chris is a terrible liar.  He starts trying to be confusing by saying, "Remember, back ten months ago, when I said that so-and-so from work was arguing with blah blah blah and..."  Yeah, no I don't remember that, just get to the point and answer my question: "Why are you texting this girl that I don't know and have never heard of?"  "Because, I just wanted to see what she was up to."  "When did you two become friends?"

He had no straight answer.  None.  He kept running in circles.  "We've always been friends!  We used to work together!  She gave me a ride home once!"  None of them made any sense as to why this weekend, the weekend he decides he doesn't want to move to Michigan with me anymore, the weekend we break up, they are suddenly in texting contact with each other.  Then again, maybe I'm just paranoid.

But, like I said, I'm not.  I know something is up.  I've been with him for a year (tomorrow).  I know when something is wrong, or not right, or up.  I know these things.  I've been cheated on by every boyfriend (except B, respectively) I've ever had, so I KNOW the signs of someone lying to cover shit up.

Ugh.  I'm rambling on about this, I apologize.  I'm just trying to make sense of it all.  In times of trials and tribulation, it's not uncommon for a man to stray from his significant other.  I know this.  It's the cliche of relationshiphood.  But, I really thought Chris and I had it together.  We were leaning on each other for support.  We talked openly about things.  He knows more about me than even my best friends do.  So why, if he really isn't being unfaithful, can't he just say, "Yes, we've been texting, and I've been thinking about me and you and I'm confused."  BECAUSE!  He's not a chick!  That is why!  He is a man, and men can't just come right out and say why they are doing the things they are doing!  UGH! 

Anyway, I'm done ranting.  I know I didn't get around to commenting a lot this weekend, so I'll try to catch up today.  Hope everyone else had a better weekend than I!

P.S. On top of everything, my left eye won't stop twitching.  It's been going nonstop for roughly 36 hours.  The cause- stress.  It is a fact.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Series of Unfortunate Ex's Pt. II

So, in my last post I wrote about the "ex" from when I was twelve coming back into my life.  It was quite the experience.  R happened to reappear again recently, and he is now living with someone and happy with that.  I'm glad for him.  That just means that he will not bug me anymore about getting back together and I won't have to deal with the drama of it all.

Now, onto ex #2.  B and I met my first day of freshman year.  Coincidental since on my first day of freshman year R happened to drop back into my life, as well.  Anyhow.  B and I had first hour English class together at first.  He sat on the other side of my cousin in class.  Within minutes of sitting down and preparing for class to begin, B leaned over, and whispered to my cousin.  She giggled loudly and looked over at me.  She had to wait until after class to tell me what he said, but apparently, his words were, "Your cousin is hot, she looks like Alicia Silverstone."  Despite the fact that no, I do not look like Miss Silverstone whatsoever, I was sort of flattered.  I already had a boyfriend at this time, D, so I wasn't interested in finding any admirers, but it was nice to get off to a good start.  B was a sweet kid, but very immature.  Like most freshman boys, he was still in the "booger and farts are hilarious" stage in life.  I was not.  I never really was in that stage, for that matter.

My schedule ended up changing a few days later to fit with the Algebra class I switched into, so I no longer had class with B.  However, it didn't stop his interaction with me.  His little clique sat at the opposite end of the lunch table I sat at with my newfound best friend.  B had a girlfriend.  Her name was A.  She was a junior.  I have no idea what a junior girl was doing with a freshman boy, but they obviously had something going together.  I don't know what it was, and don't care to.  It disturbed me.  B was constantly making comments to me about how hot I was and that he wanted to grab my, uh, chestal area, if you will.  I got pretty mad about it eventually and told D.  After that, B called me several bad names and D threatened to do physical harm to B.  Our interaction stopped then.  Until the beginning of our junior year.

Like most schools, October is the month for football games and homecoming.  We always did float building, but I had never participated because my mom would never drive me.  It was kind of a pain in the ass and hurt my social standing, but there wasn't much I could about it.  D and I were having troubles at this point, and I had told him that I needed a break.  I had been with him over two years by this time, and had spent the summer trying to juggle being his girlfriend and being R's friend (yes, I did hang out with R a lot that summer, but I didn't do anything unfaithful).  D's jealousy ended up being the kicker for the end of our relationship, and I suddenly had tons of free time.  I decided to use it wisely and did the float building thing with my friends.

At this point, I had become friends with S, and she hung out with B a lot.  They were in the same clique, and it was convenient because I had just started showing actual interest in B.  He had grown up.  He wasn't the same nerdy little freshman making fart jokes at the lunch table and yelling crude remarks to girls in the hallway.  He learned to be respectful, and he was really quite sweet.  He had recently ended his relationship with another girl, and was also trying to have fun being single.  We couldn't help but flirt a little bit, though.  Our rocky past was forgotten and we became friends. 

This meant, we hung out a lot together with our friends, in a group, and we flirted but never actually did anything about it.  Float building lasted a week, and one night, my friend D drove us home.  I knew D had taken an interest in me, but really, I hadn't noticed much.  I wasn't interested in him.  We dropped B off first, and I decided to get out and walk him up to the door, so that I would have some privacy.  At the door, B stopped, and looked at me.  "I really like you, you know," he said.  "I know, and I like you, too," I told him.  And we kissed.  And that was how it really started.

Now, D (the ex I was on a break with) didn't like being away from me.  He started showing up at my float building, because he lived right next door, and was pestering me.  Our class advisor had to ask him to leave several times, and finally it came to the point where I screamed at him in front of my entire class to fuck off.  He still didn't get the point.  He kept calling my house every night, and my mom would always tell him I wasn't there.  I should explain beforehand that my mom and I didn't get along at this time, and she thought I was being a bitch to D, even though she didn't understand that he was sort of abusive to me (I won't get into that).  I came home one night and she had packed my backpack with clothes and thrown it out on the porch, telling me to leave.  I walked two miles to the freshman float building, where my other friend and AL lived.  She was D's sister, but she knew how awful he was being to me.  I told her about the fight with my mom, and she told me I could ride home with her.  Her mom was always really awesome to me, because she knew how bad my mom could get sometimes.  When her mom picked us up, I told her what had happened and she was more than happy to let me stay there.  D wasn't supposed to be home until later that night, but as soon as he found out I was staying there he came home.

All of a sudden, a dreadful night for me became worse because D was harassing me and crying about being together again and how hurt he was by what I was doing.  He had graduated the year before, and it was sort of disgusting to watch a "man" act like he was.  It made me uncomfortable, and he wouldn't even listen to his mom tell him to leave me alone.  It finally came to the point where I called B and he came and picked me up.  I ended up staying at his house that night, and we officially became a couple homecoming weekend.

We went to the dance together, took pictures, laughed, and had a ton of fun together.  He really was a great guy.  He was a gentleman, and sweet, and funny, and smart.  He treated me like a princess.  He told his mom (who was not unlike my own mother, unfortunately- they were both drunks) that he loved me and wanted us to be together a long time.  I couldn't believe my good fortune, but at the same time, I was very confused.  I had been through a lot the last few months and now suddenly, another guy was proclaiming his love for me, though we'd only been together a couple months.

I ended up breaking up with him because I needed time to think.  We ended up getting back together, but once again, I broke up with him because we were moving too fast.  I knew I was leading him on, and messing around with his heart and head, but I didn't know what to do.  High school was such a confusing time for me, and add to the fact that my mom was being investigated by CPS, and it was just plain hell.  Things at home were in constant array, and even though I really did care for B, and it maybe went as far as loving him, my life was too complicated and I didn't want to drag him through my emotional hell. 

This went on and off until April of 2002.  We didn't have any classes together, but we always sat together before classes in the cafeteria.  I sat across from him, prepared to tell him that, I knew I had broken up with him again and hurt him, but I just needed to figure out what was happening at home.  I was confused, but not about him.  I just didn't want him to be caught in the middle, and I didn't want him to see me worked up all the time.  I was prepared; I was hoping he would understand, and be patient while the investigation was going on, and then afterwards, maybe we could work things out.  I never even got to tell him, because the new girl, M, came bounding up to the table, sat beside him, wrapped her arms around him, and laid her head on his shoulder.

I remember this so well.  I can still remember what he was wearing, what she looked like, how it felt, and what I wanted to do with her head.  I just stood up, though, and walked away.  And that was the last time B and I had any personal contact.  Of course, we went to the same school still, and in our senior year we finally had classes together, but apparently he and M and fallen madly in love and that was it.  They planned to be together forever.  We all graduated and went on our merry little ways, and I had gotten involved with my ex-fiance, and things were dropped.  I didn't see B at all in four years, despite living in the same town the entire time.  Then one night, I was hanging out with his brother (we had always been friends) and playing some video games, and B just dropped by.  The entire summer I had spent hanging out with his brother I never saw him, then he just showed up.  We were both surprised to see each other, but we didn't talk.  I felt nervous, and my stomach was all bunched up.  I didn't know what to say.

I ened up going home, because I didn't know how to act and it was sort of uncomfortable.  He was still with M, and even though I never really got to know her, she didn't like me.  She worked at the pharmacy I had my prescriptions at and the last things I needed was her to find out I had been hanging out with her boyfriend.  It would just give her more leverage to hate me and be mean.  I know, I'm a sensitive being.

That was 2007.  It is now 2009 (duh).  Back in April, I got a call from a Michigan number, and didn't answer it.  They left a voicemail, and when I listened to it, I realized it was B.  We had become friends on Facebook not long before that, and he'd got my phone number from it.  I remember my heart stopping, then jumping around again.  I didn't want to talk on the phone with him.  I hate talking on the phone.  But I texted him.  And we've been texting him ever since.

About two weeks ago, after seven years of being together, M told B she wasn't in love with him anymore, and hadn't been for a while.  B told M to pack her stuff and get out of his house.  He's been going through a rough time.  I have been trying to do the best I can as a friend, to help him out and make him feel better, but there's only so much to say.  It sucks being dumped, after putting so much into a relationship.  He wanted to marry her.  That's what he had been planning to do this entire time; settle down, buy a house, get married, have kids.  He bought the house she wanted, and he was planning to propose.  Then suddenly, she just didn't want it anymore. 

I can understand what he is going through, and it makes me hurt for him.  I remember when my ex fiance and I broke up, and I had to leave him because of how he was.  It didn't make it any easier that I was the one to finally say we were done.  It hurt so much, made my heart physically ache, my stomach felt like it was being torn out, my throat suddenly felt tight and like I'd never take another breath.  So we've been talking.  But we've been talking about the past, and how great of a time we had together.  He never held a grudge against me, but he told me he still had strong feelings for me for a long time.  He hoped we would run into each other; but we never did.  I guess it's sort of a sick joke. 

I guess I should fill you in about how we're going through the same thing right now.  Chris told me this morning that he doesn't want to move to Michigan, and that it won't work between us.  Yes.  Two days before our one year anniversary he drops this on me, and I'm pretty torn up.  We had made the decision that once our lease is up in May, we were going to move to Michigan to be closer to my family, because he has no family here.  Apparently he changed his mind and told me he's not going to lead me into thinking we're staying together after that.  The bad part about all of this is, I'm broke.  So I have no choice but to stay living with him, in this apartment, until I can move back to Michigan. 

So, B and I are going through similar situations, and suddenly we're connected.  It's just really rough.  Things were already pretty bad, and add to this the fact that I am now stuck in this desert without a soul to lean on, and it makes it that much worse. 

I don't understand the cycle of things in this world, whatsoever.  This blog was supposed to be about closing up the past when it was left open for so long, but now it isn't closing because B and I now share something pretty emotional and we understand each other too well.  How can you close something when right now, it seems like the only thing you have to hang onto?  At least I have another person to share my misery with.  It makes it hurt a little less, to know I'm not alone in going through this.  Someone else understands right now how I feel.

I guess B isn't really an unfortunate ex, in this case.

Am I being punished for keeping in contact with my ex's?  Is that why this suddenly happened to me?  I'm not sure.  But I guess I have time to figure it out, because I'm back to being single.  I just never figured it would hurt so much the second time around.  It really does, though.  It stings like hell.