Words Are Louder Through Tears

So, I just wanted to update you in this hellish ordeal I'm going through.  Once I am done with this whole thing I can get back to writing about things that actually interest me and not just the things that have been bothering me hardcore since Saturday.

Chris and I talked Sunday for a little while, but it was crap.  It was a crap talk and nothing was accomplished because he is a typical guy.  Well, really, he is not a typical guy, because instead of looking uncomfortable when I was crying, I could tell he was also hurting.  He kept his mouth shut and listened to me, but for some reason, he just didn't want to admit I was right in anything I was saying.  If he can't admit that there is a problem in this whole scenario, then there would be no point in me pointing out said problems (with a pointer stick).  I really needed a large paper pad on an eisel, so I could draw out a diagram of how one thing lead to another, and slap it every time I was making an important point.

Nothing was accomplished, as I was saying.  So yesterday, he went to work.  I was miserable.  I just feel awful when there is a bad situation surrounding me but I can't resolve it.  I don't like people being upset with me when I have no idea what I have done.  It isn't fair.  Therefore, all day, basically, I did nothing.  Well, I did laundry and organized the bedroom a bit better, but it was just a show.  I tried to act like nothing was wrong, when really, this "break up" was eating at my soul.

Chris then messaged me online.  He said that he had been reading my Facebook and saw that I was talking shit about him.  Correction: WRONG!  Wrong, wrong, wrong.  I will tell you what was said "in the heat of the moment," and then I will tell you why he is wrong.

My long-lost cousin commented on my status, because I said that I hated all men and that I was sick of girls getting the rap for being dramatic, but if men weren't idiots then we wouldn't have to act like this.  My cousin then commented and said, "Whoa!  What did I do?"  I can't remember everything I said in my reply, but basically, the thing Chris was mad about was the fact that I said somewhere in my rant that, "If he had a car I would smash all his windows in.  Not really, but still.  That's how mad I am."

Okay, *slaps pointer* this is not talking "shit".  This is emphasizing how mad and upset I was over the whole situation.  Just because he keeps his mouth shut (which, really, I will never really know because I don't talk to any of his friends and have no interest in talking to them) when he is upset doesn't mean everyone does.  This is my way to vent, to get things out of my system so I can then become a normal human being to converse with him, instead of the angry beast I am in the heat of the moment.  I told Chris this: "I was mad, I don't know what you want me to say.  I'm sorry?  I didn't say anything bad about you, and I also said, 'Not really' right after I made that comment."

He didn't care.  He just kept saying, "I just don't think this is going to work out, this won't work, I can't do this," and every other form of "we are done" that he could come up with.  Which, honestly, isn't anything new.  He already said that, so why does he keep pointing it out?  Ugh.  It was just upsetting me.

Finally, he said, "I'm at work, so we'll talk about this when I get home."  Which I didn't mind.  I finished my stupid chores and went about my merry way (okay, it wasn't so merry, I slammed clothes in drawers and threw dirty ones in the washer).  He shows up a little after 8, and says he has to go get something, and he'll be back in a little while.

I don't want to say what said something is, but it is nothing good.  And I was pissed at this point.  It took everything I had not to start throwing things around my room, but it would accomplish nothing, so I just said, "We need to talk, I've been waiting to talk to you.  Which is more important, this something or me?"

Chris looked at me, like he knew no matter what he was screwed so he said, "You, obviously, but I have a ride and I have to go get it."  I just said "whatever" and he made a remark about how it would only take a few minutes and he'd be right back.  Some  reassurance, and I didn't believe him for a minute.  Mind you, after I had asked him about this girl (D) he had been texting, he said she was in California with her boyfriend and she hadn't been with her friend J Monday morning or night, so I just kept my mouth shut.  I know better than to believe this junk.  She may have a boyfriend in California, but that doesn't mean crap.  He's in California, not here to watch this girl.  Not saying it's all her fault, because it most definitely isn't, but, anyhow.

I waited over an hour.  This errand, that should, really, have only taken twenty minutes, took over an hour.  I was mad.  I was pissed.  I don't know where this new Chris came from.  I have no idea.  This is not the guy I started dating last fall.  I know he has his faults, and I know things change, but not overnight.  When did I miss the transition?  Where was I?  And why had it happened?  I know things get rocky sometimes when a couple is stressed, but this is ridiculous.  He is a totally different person. 

Anyhow, finally, after ten o'clock last night (he originally got home around ten after eight), I got to talk to him.  Everything just poured out.  I don't even remember half of the things I said, but I remember at one point I asked why all of a sudden he didn't want to move to Michigan with me, and why he had been acting so weird.  His answer is always that he doesn't want to leave Phoenix.  I pointed out *slaps pointer* several times that if he moves with me, and decides it isn't for him, he can come right back, and pick up where he left off.  It's not like he has anything here.  That sounds really bitchy, but before I came along, he literally had nothing.  I'm not exaggerating.  The boy has had a hard life, and I just want to help him and make it easier.  I'm not trying to control him, or make him do something he doesn't want to do.  I just want to show him what other options he has. 

Finally I said, "It's like you're saying that I'm not worth the move to Michigan."  And maybe that was a low blow, but you know what his reply was?

"Obviously if I don't want to go to Michigan with you you're not worth it."

...The old Chris would never have said something like this.  I just...I couldn't believe it.  I still can't believe it.  Who is this dickhead (sorry, language) that suddenly took over his body?!  I dropped onto the bed at this point, because I had nothing to say.  What else could I say?  He said it all.  I'm not worth risking a move to Michigan.  The worst part was, all I could think about was how I had basically spent every penny I'd saved moving in with him and saving him from going to jail back in November, and now I am broke, but he can't just move to Michigan for a little while, to see how he likes it.  It's not like he wouldn't be able to come back to the same exact place he would be if I moved.  I'm taking my name off of the lease, and without my name on the lease, he can't be here.  So, he will be homeless.  And if he has any friends that offer him a place to live, well, I'm sure they'll still be here 6 months after the fact.

So, the whole conversation after that kind of centered around the fact that if he was having second thoughts about moving with me across the country, he could have just said that, instead of dumping me and acting like a jerk for an entire weekend.  I told him, "If you don't want to move with me when the time comes, fine.  But why are you breaking up with me now over this?"  And maybe that is selfish, since right now I have nowhere else to go and have been sorta dependant on him.  But I'm not saying it because I'm being selfish- I'm saying it because I love him and I want to at least have the next nine months with him if I won't have him after that.

And he started going on and on about how we want two different things and he doesn't want to waste time doing that and blah fuckin' blah.  Doesn't this sound like the speech of a cheater to you?  I've heard it before.  A few times, unfortunately.  And I've heard my friends repeat it to me after their boyfriends say the same thing.  By the time he was done with his three sentences I had about had it with his excuses.  At that point, I was fed up with acting like his mother.  I'm not his damn mother.  I am (was) his girlfriend, and either he loves me enough to be with me, and figure things out in the next nine months, or he doesn't.  I shouldn't have even given him that choice, because he blatantly told me I'm not worth the move to Michigan, and it crushed me so badly that I felt like I was 16 again and going through my first break up all over again.

But I did, I gave him the choice.  And he said, "I love you, I want to be with you.  But I don't want to move to Michigan right now.  I want you to stay here."

There ya have it.  We made up.  That doesn't mean shit is fine between us, though.  You best bet I'm keeping tabs on him.  I am not going through this again.  I'm going to be the one in control next time.  This morning the girl J came to pick him up and I was right out in the living room, being polite and nice and sweet like I usually am.  She was wearing an outfit that I actually have, so it was easy to say, "I love your outfit," but I'm just waiting for her friend to come back from Cali and visit.  J doesn't seem all that bad, but you know how these girls are...they stick together, so I'm guaranteeing that if something is going on, she knows and supports it, or she knows and isn't stopping it. 

This blog is already way too long, so I'm stopping here.  I'll try to keep you guys in the loop if you care to know, though.  I've gotta get ready for work currently, and my medication has thrown me for a loop so I feel whacked out.  Should be a fun night.

Thanks for your support in all of this, and I hope everyone has a happy Tuesday.