Saturday, September 19, 2009

My guilty pleasure on Saturday night. :)

Friday, September 18, 2009

The Devil Inside

My readers here don't get to see my dark side much.  I try to keep things on here light, or at least somewhat easy to relate to.  The fact is, I'm bipolar, and with bipolar disorder comes a dark side.  Mine is my anger.

The only way I know how to express my anger (at the world, at my life, at my job) is through music.  I'm not one of those types of people that can spout off and sound mad about it.  I just sound like I'm whining or really sad about it.  I can never sound mad in my writing.  But I get mad with my music. 

I like my profile picture on here because I look sort of innocent and it looks like a picture I'd want on the back of one of my novels.  You can't really see the lip ring.  Which is kinda good, because I wouldn't want to scare anyone away, ya know.  ;)  I'm not innocent, though.  By far.  I eat in bed.  I love screwed up novels and movies.  I say I'm going to do pilates but never get around to it.  Sometimes I forget to put a new roll of toilet paper out (oops, my bad!). 

Last night while I was baking a cake (that can only mean I'm angry) I began spouting off to Chris about how our friend is always talking about herself and what she likes and how she apologizes but always has a "but" to add.  You know, like, "I'm sorry but I just don't think she's that great."  Her favorite thing to say to me is, "I'm sorry I just love rap."  She also knows I HATE rap with a passion.  I always have.  I don't get anything out of it.  If I'm going to listen to music, I'm going to get something out of it.  Like my anger.

So last night, during my angry cake-baking, I kept jabbering on to Chris about how one of these weekends I'm going to make her and her boy-toy listen to my music all night long and see how she likes it.  And I'm going to say, "I'm sorry but I just LOVE angry music."  No, I really won't, because that's not how I express my anger.  My music will say it all.  It's okay for them to listen to rap for six hours on a Friday night because SHE likes it, but if I put on my favorite music, you bet your asses someone will say, "Can we listen to something else?"  If I suggest that, she immediately will say, "After this song or CD," and it never gets changed.  These people don't know me that well.  They may THINK I'm okay with that, and because I just keep my mouth shut I really don't care, but really, I'm boiling on the inside.

I used to be an emo chick.  (Just take a look to your left.)  I wore all black, had black short hair, had my piercings.  But eventually the physical appearance took a backseat and I just became me.  Everyone has hardships thrown their way; it's life.  My bipolar disorder makes these hardships seem like mountains I will never cross.  Or rather, a sea of acid that I won't make it through alive.  I take medication for it.  However, my medication is the one thing that can cause creative blockage and I'm just not down for that sometimes, so I skip it.  For long periods of time.  Because otherwise I'm like this blob without emotion (I'm no longer pretty, witty, or bright).  My friends hate it.  I remember they used to say, "I miss the old Juj."  And I would just shrug, because I didn't know what to tell them.  I LOST THE USE OF WORDS.  To a writer, this is just unacceptable.

Now though, I channel my rage.  Through the lyrics and sounds of the music my mom and dad can't stand and most people don't understand.  It's loud and moody and sad and pissed, all in one.  In other words, it's me on the inside during some of my fits.  So, when someone says they're going to play Bone Thugs this weekend (I'm pretty sure we've listened to the same record by them every weekend since June), I'm going to say, "I'm actually going to listen to the new record by my favorite band."  I really, truly am this time.  and I'm going to push 'repeat all' and see what happens.

This music is angry.  This music is loud.  THEY SCREAM A LOT IN THIS MUSIC.  Every rap-lover's nightmare.  Maybe this friend will see just how angry I am without actually seeing it on my face.  Maybe this friend will feel just as angry after listening to my music.

"The fever, the focus
The reasons that I had to believe
You weren't too hard to sell
(Die young and save yourself)
The tickle, the taste of
It used to be the reason I breathe
But now it's choking me up
(Die young and save yourself)"

"Sic Transit Gloria...Glory Fades"  Brand New


Please don't hate me because of this post.  I know a lot of the readers do not listen to this music and it will probably make them think I am nuts, but really, this is just me.  For the record, I love classic rock just as much as I like my "screamo" music and will settle for that over rap any day.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

My Friday Fill-In

It's up a bit early this week, because I plan on sleeping in hardcore tomorrow. 

1. My car is nonexistent because I DON'T HAVE ONE.

2. Frosting the cake I'm baking is coming up next.

3. Lately, things seem to feel a little more on track, and I'm thankful.

4. Being in my bath tub with a good book is one of my favorite 'hiding' places.

5. What happened Where's Waldo?

6. I keep telling myself being published is not impossible!

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to hanging out with my rabbits, tomorrow my plans include cleaning the kitchen and Sunday, I want to spend with my honey bunny!

Talking Smack

IT'S GROUP BLOG THURSDAY!  YAY!  (Brought to us by Stephanie)

Unfortunately I'm getting a late start because I had to work this morning.  And I don't have the luxury of using a computer during work.  Which, believe me, would be happening if I had the chance. 

This week's Group Blog is about...dun dun dun...blogging about your husband/significant other and whether or not he likes it.  Well, I'll tell you this much- he is always suspicious.  He always tries to peak around my shoulder and see what I'm writing, and I don't like it.

I am one of those sorts that doesn't like her work to be read before she's finished.  I am also that person that sits in bed with her laptop in front of her while her boyfriend watches TV next to her.  He has snooping eyes, because he is always curious about what I'm saying.  I will say this, though: he doesn't care if it's about him, he's more worried about the OTHER guys I'm blogging about.

Yep.  For some reason he thinks I have a whole shroud of other guys in my life, despite the fact that we A) live together and B) I do not know any other guys in this city.  I am not sure where this idea came from but sometimes it really irks me.  He's not really a jealous person, either, which is the weird part.  Maybe it's because I have lots of guy friends back home (they are really JUST friends and ONLY friends, though) that he doesn't know.  He's never met my friends or family since they all live in Michigan and we live in Phoenix.  If he would just wait until I'm done writing whatever I'm writing, I'd let him read it, but usually if I tell him to stop reading over my shoulder he gets huffy-puffy and says, "Whatever, I'm going to bed."  Typical male.

I don't really write about him, though.  I mention an occasional story about something that happens or what we're doing but I tend to keep my current relationships between...well, just us, because I don't like starting drama.  Now, if I had more to say about my relationship with him, he would probably be interested in reading about it, but I'm sure he would take everything I say the wrong way.  He's quick to jump to conclusions.  So it's probably a good thing I don't write much about him.  We've been together a year this month (wow) but he's had some past girlfriends that really did him in.  After a year I'd think he would be able to trust me, since I obviously am not going to do anything to hurt him or ruin our relationship, but he's still young.  Younger than I am.  He's still in his training years.  So I have some time to work on him.  (ha ha)

I guess if I sent him the link to my blog I could see what he says.  He used to read my MySpace blog occasionally but he never seemed that interested.  He doesn't like reading much.  I'm sure he would never say anything unless he got a wrong message from it.

So, yay for Group Blog Thursdays but mine was really dull!  lol.  Hope everyone is having a good afternoon.

Future Planning

Let me start this by saying one thing:

I love my boyfriend with all of my heart.  We work great together, we love each other, we respect each other, and rarely have any REAL problems to speak of.  So whatever I may say in this has been my matter of opinion most of my life but it doesn't mean I can't change that eventually.

Anyway.  So, I subscribed to a new blog today and her latest post is about her dream wedding.  I used to want to get married when I was with my ex.  I actually had it all planned, because he did propose to me.  I wanted to have a very standard wedding.  In a church, pink and yellow roses, white dress, black tux, close friends and family, end of story.  After that didn't work out I turned my back on marriage altogether and decided I will never marry.  It still holds true right now.  Maybe eventually I will change my mind.  However, my belief is why ruin something that is so great by signing a piece of paper that only matters legally but not emotionally?

Now that I've stated all that, I will admit this: I love wedding planning in itself.  One of my favorite shows is on WEtv and it's called Amazing Wedding cakes.  I could watch it all day long.  Some of the cakes are so fabulous.  I've decided on two different themes I would go with if I ever got married and I really don't even desire the marriage itself, just the showcase!  I don't really like looking at dresses, though.  I'm not much of a dress girl.  I don't even wear skirts anymore.  The cake, the colors, the flowers, the setting, and the food though- I'm ready to start planning.

There are two themes I would go with: a beach theme (most likely), or black and red.  I'm pretty outgoing and love crazy ideas so they might be off the wall, but this day is supposed to be all about ME, right?  :)

The red and black theme is really something I would only go with if I could afford all of the trimmings.  It would be elegant and formal, and a winter wedding.  Which just isn't in the books because I hate winter, and I would be getting married in Michigan, which means a lot of snow and too much trouble.  Therefore, it really is just an idea of something that would be nice.  
BEACH theme
This is probably what I would really choose, because I love the beach and it would be simple and classy.  Everyone could wear their nicest beach wear and it would be great.  I can just see guys in some black and white shorts and a black jacket!  I would wear a simple, short white dress. 
The only reason I feel the need to get married now is just to plan and buy all the neat stuff!  :)  Maybe I should become a wedding planner...I would probably be good at it. 
For all you girls out there that aren't married yet, what would your dream wedding be like?

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Lady's Got a Penis?

I was on Facebook earlier, reading all my friend's updates, when one struck me:

"Lady Gaga has a penis?  Is this serious?  I have to know!"
This then brought me into the arguement, because despite my lack of interest in celebrities and Hollywood, I was curious; does she have a penis?  Personally, I don't believe so.  Living in a city that is full of weirdos and men that shop in the ladies department, I can say I'm a good judge of whether or not a person is a he-she or just likes dressing like a dead bird.

These rumors apparently circulated the Internet last month (which means I'm really late in getting to this- I guess I must have a life).  There are pictures all over the place, supposedly showing that, "Yes indeedy, Lady has a wee-wee."  I don't see it.

I watched the VMAs the other night.  She is quite the character, but I see no resemblence to the cross-dressers that stalk the strip malls in this area.  It could be possible that she had her Adam's apple shaved down.  It's possible that she is really good at tucking certain adendum's so that they don't show.  However, I just don't see the "man" in her.  Not one bit.

What do you think?

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Patrick, You'll Always Be My Dirty Dancer

I'm not sure what it is about me, but I don't really fit into my generation that well.  I should have been born five years earlier, that way I could connect with people my age.  Instead I was born in the mid-80's, when all of my favorite movies, music, and fads were big.  I already lost Michael Jackson, and yesterday, I lost Patrick Swayze.

Although my all-time favorite movie is "The Lost Boys", I can say "Dirty Dancing" comes in a very close second.  When I was little my mom was in love with Johnny, and it rubbed off on me.  I memorized the movie from beginning to end.  I still know it.  I own three different editions of it.  Is that pathetic?

The movies "Ghost" and "Thee Outsiders" are in my top twenty, at least.  I loved "Roadhouse", if only because he looks so sexy fighting.  He was very talented: a great actor, amazing dancer, and even had a sexy voice (if you've ever seen "Dirty Dancing" you should know he sings the song She's Like The Wind on the soundtrack).  I can't believe he is gone at such a young age.  He was one of those actors you never heard gossip about, and it's not hard to believe he was a good man.

Today, I am going to listen to my Dirty Dancing Soundtrack and watch the movie, in remembrance of this stud.  Join me in celebrating his great arms and nice butt, won't you?

RIP Patrick.

Bunny In A Bag (Photo)

Bunny in a Bag

Cooper likes Corn Flakes apparently...tried to climb right into the bag when I offered him some.  Cwazy wabbit.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Waking Up Swinging

I love to sleep.  It's one of my favorite hobbies.  I don't get a whole lot of it, but when I do, you better watch out.  If you wake me up, I swear I'll give you a black eye and bloody nose.

When I was younger I learned to sleep through almost anything.  My mom is a serial vacummer.  What does that mean?  That means she was up at the buttcrack of dawn everyday for 17 years, vacuuming.  After that, she'd be doing it every hour, on the hour, or after every time someone walked through the living room, which was often.  Our house was constantly filled with kids.  They were everywhere.  I had two of the noisiest distractions surrounding me, so I learned to sleep through it.

When I moved out after graduation, I found it almost impossible to fall asleep without noise.  My ex was able to fall asleep on command, which was great for him, but awful for me.  I had to turn the TV or a movie on to doze off.  These days, it's the same.  Chris knows this.  Chris lets me sleep.  For the most part.  I've told him, time and time again to leave me alone if I am asleep.  Don't try to cuddle, don't try to kiss me, just leave me alone. 

Or else.

Or else has happened a lot lately.  He has a bad habit of waking up at five in the morning, and trying to kiss me or gets in my face in some other way.  I wake up immediately and yell at him.  I don't know what I yell, because sometimes it's gibberish, but I yell.  One time I started crying because I was so mad at him.  It can take me hours to fall back asleep.  You'd think he'd get the hint.  But he doesn't.  He still sticks his face in mine and tries to talk or kiss me.

He finally got it this morning.

I was having an awful dream.  Last night, Chris and I were watching Dexter (the show on Showtime about the serial killer that catches criminals).  It's a great show.  Keeps you on the edge of your seat.  But right in the middle of a quiet moment, we heard some weird noises outside our apartment, and it freaked us both out.  It scared me because I thought a snake had somehow gotten inside (rattlesnakes do live out here!), and he thought someone was trying to break in.  Our hearts were racing and he jumped out, grabbed a pair of scissors (...scissors?  really?), and opened the sliding glass door.

It was the sprinklers.  THE SPRINKLERS!  We were freaked out by the sound of the sprinklers turning on.  Paranoid?  The reason behind that is a whole other story.

So anyway, we went to bed.  We watched something while in bed, and fell asleep around 4 AM.  I know, that's late.  But to me it was decent.  I was having a dream about someone chasing me though, and when they caught me, they pinned me down, and were leaning over me.  I was fighting to get away from them.

That was when Chris decided to hover right over my face to tell me he was leaving for work.  He scared the shit out of me, and I started swinging my fists in the air.  I was trying to beat him up in my sleep.  I didn't fully realize what had happened until after he was already gone. 

I don't know why the boy insists on doing this.  I thought after the first ten times it happened he would understand that if he wakes me up, it's possible he'll end up with a fat lip, but he STILL wants to do it!  Not to mention, it really irks me, because if I have nothing to do, leave me the hell alone.  Seriously.  I'm sorry that you have to get up early for work and I don't usually work until the afternoon, but that's not my fault.  Let me sleep!

This actually happened the first time with my ex.  He had to get up extremely early sometimes to get to work, and one time, he came to say bye to me, and I punched him in the forehead. 

Maybe I should have a warning label printed on me.

Caution: May knock your lights out if rudely awaken.

You Like Me!

I'm a little late with this (just like the first award), but I have some thanks to give.

Thank you, Karylynnlove!!  She nominated me for the Humane award, which I'm so appreciative for!

Just like with the other award, there are rules.  You do not have to follow them, but since I am new to this blogger world, I'd like to follow them.  I like helping out fellow bloggers and last time it made me feel good.  :)
The Rules:

*Accept and post the award to your blog
*Link to the person from whom you received it
*Pass the award to 5 other blogs that are worthy of this acknowledgement.
*Let them know they have been chosen for this award

Well, I've accepted.  :)  Thank you again, it means a lot to me!
Now, the five blogs I'm going to nominate this time...Well, I am not subscribed to very many, so I can't do five, but I'll do three, and do the other two when I find some more blogs I'm addicted to.
Amy over at My LaLaLand
Jenna at Turn the Page.
Alexis! at Confessions of Someone Almost 18.
I'm kinda excited to finally have some awards to post in an award section on my blog.  Woo hoo!

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Shoplifter Sunday

I'm really slacking on commenting and reading blogs, but I have three days off so I promise to catch up!  Plus I have to write my thanks blog for my newest award.  :)

Okay, so, I've known about teenagers having sticky fingers.  I watched some of my best friends lift stupid things from stores.  When I was younger I never thought much of it, though I never did it myself.  I think shoplifting is immature and stupid.  I've worked in retail for six years now, so I've seen my share of five-finger discounters.  Today, though, was the busiest days for shoplifters in our mall.

Why do they do it?  I will admit, some of the accessories in our store are ridiculously priced for what they are.  However, if they are too expensive for you to buy, then go make your own.  It's not that hard.  And it's way cheaper.  But is it worth getting arrested over an eight-dollar pair of socks?  Probably not.

Our first group of not-so-smart stealers started right when we opened the store.  They were stupid about it.  So, so stupid.  Girl #1 was carrying around a pair of piano print knee-high socks, and they were the only ones in the store.  Just because we look like we're doing tasks doesn't mean we're not paying attention to you, FYI.  We know how to spy shoplifters.  I was watching her closely because she deliberately took out her money in front of me, counted it, then put it back in her wallet.  After that I walked up to my manager and said, "We should watch that girl; she's been carrying around those socks but nothing else."  So we watched her.

Soon enough, her little clique started separating and a couple of them left.  I noticed she wasn't carrying the sock anymore.  I told my manager and we looked around the store for the pair of socks.  They were nowhere to be found.  We then had a right to ask where the girl had put them.

She said, "My friend put them back."  We informed her bluntly, "No she didn't.  There were four on the rack and now there's three."  And she argued, "She might not have put them there."  Her friend had already left the store.

One of the girls with her didn't want to get involved.  She stayed in the background, texting on her phone, probably warning her other friends not to come in the store because we were interrogating them.  Girl #1 then said, "Well, we don't mind paying for them if that's the issue.  We didn't steal them."

AHA!  Why would you offer to pay for something you KNOW you didn't steal them?  GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY!  Unfortunately, we didn't recover those socks because they wouldn't admit it, and the girl that supposedly put them back wouldn't come back into the store.  So that really sucked.

We got lucky later on, though.  There were two boys in the store with several shopping bags.  They were browsing around and checking things out, carrying several items around, but didn't go up to pay for anything.  Finally, Boy #1 bought a pair of sunglasses.  As they were walking out, the alarm went off.  I was ringing up a customer, so again my manager had to go up to see what was going on.  Boy #1 stepped back inside and let my manager go through his bag, but nothing was in there with a sensor.  Boy #2, who didn't buy anything, was asked to step back inside.  He did so.  She dug through all of the things he had in his bag and found one thing of ours at the bottom: a pair of shoelaces.  SHOE LACES!!  SERIOUSLY?!  They weren't even the COOL shoelaces.  They were bright orange!  ICK! 

Everyone in the store watched as she pulled the shoelaces out, told them to leave and not to come back in the store again.  End of story.  HOW EMBARRASSING, and all for a $4 pair of shoelaces.  I wanted to laugh in his face!

I watched a couple girls take these really ugly big, black plastic bows off a tower but never put them back.  Then I found the cardboard in a pile of T-shirts.  That was awesome.  My manager just started going off about how she knew someone took the bow, and that she hoped it turned up somewhere.  She's hilarious.  She doesn't care.  She makes everyone look around at each other, and the shoplifters feel uncomfortable.  Guess what?  The bow turned up!  WOW!  AMAZING!

Over a stupid bow.  Seriously.  We do have some really, really corny accessories for 80's themed parties and for the ravers (ravers...please, stop with the neon tutu's and big sunglasses...UGLY!!!).  I just don't get why someone would steal these things when you can make them yourself.  Seriously.  Do you want to go to jail?  And then admit in court that you stole a pair of checkered sunglasses or orange shoelaces?  Come on!

Anyhow, that was my Sunday.  The good part was that Michael Jackson is on our music player now so it plays his greatest hits.  That makes me happy.  I was even wearing my Michael Jackson shirt today.  The store manager got in later in the day and when he came on she was trying to find me over the tops of our racks so she could point at me and go, "This is for you." 

My tip for the day:
IF you're going to shoplift (I hope none of my readers do, since we are all adults now and that is for silly little kids and stupid teenagers), make it worth it.  Steal some jeans!  That way we can at least find grounds to prosecute you.  :)  That would REALLY make our day!