My readers here don't get to see my dark side much. I try to keep things on here light, or at least somewhat easy to relate to. The fact is, I'm bipolar, and with bipolar disorder comes a dark side. Mine is my anger.
The only way I know how to express my anger (at the world, at my life, at my job) is through music. I'm not one of those types of people that can spout off and sound mad about it. I just sound like I'm whining or really sad about it. I can never sound mad in my writing. But I get mad with my music.
I like my profile picture on here because I look sort of innocent and it looks like a picture I'd want on the back of one of my novels. You can't really see the lip ring. Which is kinda good, because I wouldn't want to scare anyone away, ya know. ;) I'm not innocent, though. By far. I eat in bed. I love screwed up novels and movies. I say I'm going to do pilates but never get around to it. Sometimes I forget to put a new roll of toilet paper out (oops, my bad!).
Last night while I was baking a cake (that can only mean I'm angry) I began spouting off to Chris about how our friend is always talking about herself and what she likes and how she apologizes but always has a "but" to add. You know, like, "I'm sorry but I just don't think she's that great." Her favorite thing to say to me is, "I'm sorry I just love rap." She also knows I HATE rap with a passion. I always have. I don't get anything out of it. If I'm going to listen to music, I'm going to get something out of it. Like my anger.
So last night, during my angry cake-baking, I kept jabbering on to Chris about how one of these weekends I'm going to make her and her boy-toy listen to my music all night long and see how she likes it. And I'm going to say, "I'm sorry but I just LOVE angry music." No, I really won't, because that's not how I express my anger. My music will say it all. It's okay for them to listen to rap for six hours on a Friday night because SHE likes it, but if I put on my favorite music, you bet your asses someone will say, "Can we listen to something else?" If I suggest that, she immediately will say, "After this song or CD," and it never gets changed. These people don't know me that well. They may THINK I'm okay with that, and because I just keep my mouth shut I really don't care, but really, I'm boiling on the inside.
I used to be an emo chick. (Just take a look to your left.) I wore all black, had black short hair, had my piercings. But eventually the physical appearance took a backseat and I just became me. Everyone has hardships thrown their way; it's life. My bipolar disorder makes these hardships seem like mountains I will never cross. Or rather, a sea of acid that I won't make it through alive. I take medication for it. However, my medication is the one thing that can cause creative blockage and I'm just not down for that sometimes, so I skip it. For long periods of time. Because otherwise I'm like this blob without emotion (I'm no longer pretty, witty, or bright). My friends hate it. I remember they used to say, "I miss the old Juj." And I would just shrug, because I didn't know what to tell them. I LOST THE USE OF WORDS. To a writer, this is just unacceptable.
Now though, I channel my rage. Through the lyrics and sounds of the music my mom and dad can't stand and most people don't understand. It's loud and moody and sad and pissed, all in one. In other words, it's me on the inside during some of my fits. So, when someone says they're going to play Bone Thugs this weekend (I'm pretty sure we've listened to the same record by them every weekend since June), I'm going to say, "I'm actually going to listen to the new record by my favorite band." I really, truly am this time. and I'm going to push 'repeat all' and see what happens.
This music is angry. This music is loud. THEY SCREAM A LOT IN THIS MUSIC. Every rap-lover's nightmare. Maybe this friend will see just how angry I am without actually seeing it on my face. Maybe this friend will feel just as angry after listening to my music.
"The fever, the focus
The reasons that I had to believe
You weren't too hard to sell
(Die young and save yourself)
The tickle, the taste of
It used to be the reason I breathe
But now it's choking me up
(Die young and save yourself)"
"
Sic Transit Gloria...Glory Fades" Brand New
Hmmm.
P.S.
Please don't hate me because of this post. I know a lot of the readers do not listen to this music and it will probably make them think I am nuts, but really, this is just me. For the record, I love classic rock just as much as I like my "screamo" music and will settle for that over rap any day.
13 ghetto sass:
Don't be ashamed for who you are and what you like! I love love love music that evokes a sad feeling. Even when I'm happy!
Tell your friend to shove it! ;)
Aww I really liked this. Youre not the only one with BD. UGGH I despise having BD but without it I dont think Id have as much creativity as ppl claim I do. It also shows sides to a person that normal people wouldnt want to show anyone. Theyre too busy trying to mask it, we dont really care.
Really loving your blog. Keep it up!
Have you checked out the fb iLike app? It attaches to your MP3 player on your computer. When you listen to your music, it'll pull up stuff like it. Stuff you can buy from iTunes... or! free MP3s from unsigned bands.
You might like Cloon, their song Burn Rubber Blues is awesome.
I mean you like what you like. Right? I hate when people put people in a box. I like all types of music. I used to really be into Korn when I was younger and my brother's thought that I was nuts. That and Linking Park are probably as far as I took the "screamo" music. I try to embrace lots of different types of music though and I have found so pretty cool stuff that way. I am glad that you can bake a cake angry cause girl, I would be slinging flour all over the place. hahahaha. We all have our dark moments. Music helps me with mine as well.
p.s. the emo girl pic is cute. Stay up! :o)
Why would anyone hate you because of this post?! You can love whatever kind of music you want to girl! I personally like it. I'm typically a rocker kinda gal. But when I'm stressed or pissed off, I listen to Enya, which is a little embarrasing for me. Then I realize that I don't care what people think of me listening to crazy Enya music, because it relaxes me and helps me 'escape' without having to be on drugs. So you listen to whatever you want!! Music is a wonderful thing. I don't know what this world would do without it. :]
By the way, I love the crap/rap button. I agree with it! haha.
I've had two people close to me be diagnosed as clinically depressed. One is on Prozac and the other takes Sam-E, which is a natural supplement that seems to help. The Sam-E person has also been diagnosed as Bipolar by a different therapist, then ADHD by another one...so I guess they don't know what this person is! But not everyone who's bipolar is dangerous...and not everyone who suffers from depression contemplates suicide all the time. There are varying degrees of both and chances are, every single one of us knows someone with a chemical imbalance and we may not even realize it. People we work with, people we deal with at the bank, grocery store, etc. It's VERY common.
I was afraid that when I put the music player in the post that people would be like, "WTF mate," because the music isn't like what you would expect on here.
I really don't care what people think of my music, it just makes me angry when I'm forced to listen to gangsters rapping about shooting people and degrading women, blah blah blah, but as soon as I put on some of my so-called "emo" music they all look at me like, "whoa, what the hell is wrong with you?"
My bipolar disorder is probably what makes me so creative. I mean, with all the thoughts that run through my head non-stop I've gotta have some way to put them out there. I paint, I write, I scrap, and I play guitar. When I'm on medication though, it blocks my creative genius. I just go blank. And this is typical because really, that what the medication is supposed to stop- mania.
That's probably another reason I can type 100 wpm and reply in such looooong comments. haha.
I don't bake cakes that often when I'm angry, but it helps me concentrate on something else besides my annoyance, because I have to pay attention to measuring and pouring and mixing and mine are usually double-layer so I have to make them even and all that junk. Afterwards the smell makes me feel better. :)
I have the iLike app on FB but I don't think I have it connected to my iTunes yet. I'll have to do that.
Korn and Linkin Park aren't exactly screamo, but they are hard alternative (Linkin Park kinda went soft, though). I like Linkin Park, not so much Korn lol. I remember when they were huge, though. Along with Limp Bizkit. I never judge anyone based on their music, and you're right, you like what you like. There's nothing wrong with it. Just don't force me to listen to it if you're not going to be open to my music.
It's not surprising that so many people suffer from chemical imbalances these days. So many factors contribute to it in our unhealthy habits. I don't really believe in a lot of the nonsense that doctors try to put on people, though. I have a friend who was diagnosed with just about everything in the book, but I've known her since she was 13, and she's none of those things- she's just crazy about attention. Plus she's an addict (not to hard drugs, but alcohol and her anxiety meds) so it just makes the denial worse. The only reason I take meds is to control my anxiety and depression. Otherwise, I'm not all about having 12 different disorders and taking a different med for each of them. No thanks, I have my blog. :)
i bake when i'm stressed, and clean when i'm angry. so i getcha there. :)
Quite a creative writing there :) Well, i do go crazy along with the music that i play. Oh yeh, you look innocent on this display picture. nice read!
Ha, I love you! Not in a gay, or stalkerish way; I just find a lot of similarities with myself when I read your blog - and it's quite refreshing when I've had a day like today, where I feel rather alone and twattish. My mum used to insist I had bipolar; she said it would explain the ins and outs of my depression (the outs being me ecstatically happy and the ins being me down in the dumps and 100% unsociable.) We went to see this psychayatrist (which cost £300 we didn't have) and she analysed me, and basically said I didn't have it, I probably had a minor personality disorder, but nothing extreme enough for her to deal with. That was that. But still, during that time when I believed I had it, I did loads of research into the disorder... So when I talk to or read about someone with it, I like to think I get them a little bit. :)
I do definately understand medication though. I was on prozac for your normal case of depression and it was the most awful thing ever. You just feel numb dontcha? I felt like a blank piece of paper personified.
I also get angry music. My favourites 90s grunge, because it's all lyrics that sound pissed off at the world.. and the way they sing it, it just sounds like someone wining or complaining. It's better than the emotionless crap my friends listen to. I would punch each and every one of the Pussycat Dolls in the tits. :)
"Sic Transit Gloria...Glory Fades" is a good song. I was trying to figure out where the music was coming from, and I scrolled down and saw this, remembering you posted a music box with this entry.
It's weird that I liked this before seeing the name, because my first name is Gloria lol.
Hi, I just found your blog and wanted to comment. No one should ever, ever, EVER be defined by what they look like or the music they listen to. Life constantly changes and we sometimes change with [or against it]. I'm not certain, but I suspect I'm older than you and I still sometimes have to wonder who I am. Just be you - whether that's one person one day and another person another day.
Asthma is such a bitch!thanks for the tips ^^
girl if you like something, you should not apologize for that, don't let people judge you!you like angry music, and that's it.
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