Waking Up Swinging

I love to sleep.  It's one of my favorite hobbies.  I don't get a whole lot of it, but when I do, you better watch out.  If you wake me up, I swear I'll give you a black eye and bloody nose.

When I was younger I learned to sleep through almost anything.  My mom is a serial vacummer.  What does that mean?  That means she was up at the buttcrack of dawn everyday for 17 years, vacuuming.  After that, she'd be doing it every hour, on the hour, or after every time someone walked through the living room, which was often.  Our house was constantly filled with kids.  They were everywhere.  I had two of the noisiest distractions surrounding me, so I learned to sleep through it.

When I moved out after graduation, I found it almost impossible to fall asleep without noise.  My ex was able to fall asleep on command, which was great for him, but awful for me.  I had to turn the TV or a movie on to doze off.  These days, it's the same.  Chris knows this.  Chris lets me sleep.  For the most part.  I've told him, time and time again to leave me alone if I am asleep.  Don't try to cuddle, don't try to kiss me, just leave me alone. 

Or else.

Or else has happened a lot lately.  He has a bad habit of waking up at five in the morning, and trying to kiss me or gets in my face in some other way.  I wake up immediately and yell at him.  I don't know what I yell, because sometimes it's gibberish, but I yell.  One time I started crying because I was so mad at him.  It can take me hours to fall back asleep.  You'd think he'd get the hint.  But he doesn't.  He still sticks his face in mine and tries to talk or kiss me.

He finally got it this morning.

I was having an awful dream.  Last night, Chris and I were watching Dexter (the show on Showtime about the serial killer that catches criminals).  It's a great show.  Keeps you on the edge of your seat.  But right in the middle of a quiet moment, we heard some weird noises outside our apartment, and it freaked us both out.  It scared me because I thought a snake had somehow gotten inside (rattlesnakes do live out here!), and he thought someone was trying to break in.  Our hearts were racing and he jumped out, grabbed a pair of scissors (...scissors?  really?), and opened the sliding glass door.

It was the sprinklers.  THE SPRINKLERS!  We were freaked out by the sound of the sprinklers turning on.  Paranoid?  The reason behind that is a whole other story.

So anyway, we went to bed.  We watched something while in bed, and fell asleep around 4 AM.  I know, that's late.  But to me it was decent.  I was having a dream about someone chasing me though, and when they caught me, they pinned me down, and were leaning over me.  I was fighting to get away from them.

That was when Chris decided to hover right over my face to tell me he was leaving for work.  He scared the shit out of me, and I started swinging my fists in the air.  I was trying to beat him up in my sleep.  I didn't fully realize what had happened until after he was already gone. 

I don't know why the boy insists on doing this.  I thought after the first ten times it happened he would understand that if he wakes me up, it's possible he'll end up with a fat lip, but he STILL wants to do it!  Not to mention, it really irks me, because if I have nothing to do, leave me the hell alone.  Seriously.  I'm sorry that you have to get up early for work and I don't usually work until the afternoon, but that's not my fault.  Let me sleep!

This actually happened the first time with my ex.  He had to get up extremely early sometimes to get to work, and one time, he came to say bye to me, and I punched him in the forehead. 

Maybe I should have a warning label printed on me.

Caution: May knock your lights out if rudely awaken.