Thursday, June 24, 2010

What A Conundrum

I've been in Michigan a little more than a month now.  Things are alright, so far.  I have been spending a lot of time with my nieces and nephew, my brothers, and my sister-in-law.  I am staying with my mom and stepdad, for now, and hopefully I'll land a job soon.  I'm not quite sure what I wanna do yet, but I hope to be on my feet by fall.  Early winter, at latest.  I'm not enjoying depending on other people for rides and the like right now.  However, it is better being here, surrounded by my family and friends than in Phoenix, miserable and alone 99% of the time.

I guess I miss Chris a little more than I expected to.  Although I've kept busy and rarely have a spare moment to myself, at night I find myself thinking about him and it is hard.  The morning I left Phoenix he sounded as if he really was sad, and that he wanted to stay in touch, and he even told me he would try to visit this winter.  Now he is completely mean.  He told me not to text him anymore, and that he will send me my stuff as soon as he can, and that he wants me out of his life.  I have no idea where this harshness came from.  I thought we were ending everything on good terms.  It just wasn't meant to be.  However, I still wanted to remain friends, even if it is only once in a while, via text or whatever.  I don't get why he suddenly had a change of heart.  It makes me sad because he was a part of my life, and I do love him.  I didn't think we would just suddenly never talk or see each other again.  The worst part is that he still has my bunnies, so I have to deal with his attitude until I can have them sent out here. 

On a slightly better note, I have a slight thing for someone.  Thing meaning, I'm not sure what it can be because I don't know how I feel about anything.  However, when I was still in Phoenix, I had been corresponding with an old classmate since December.  He was stationed in Kuwait at the time, but we both flew into the same airport in Michigan on the same day, only three hours apart.  We decided we would get together while he was here for a couple weeks.  At the time we were talking, he was into this girl that lived here, but she apparently blew him off when he arrived, and he was not so happy.  I felt terrible because he did nothing but talk about her on Facebook and he told me they were so much alike, it just seemed right.  She is very, very young, though.  He didn't really go into a lot of detail about the situation, but the night we decided to get together he basically told me she had decided to move in with her ex and failed to mention it to him. 

He doesn't follow my usual trend in taste for guys.  I always vowed to never date a man in the military (my reasons are valid).  I have nothing against the men, personally- I just have never wanted to live the military lifestyle.  This guy, though- I'll call him S- is a bit different.  I'm not even sure sometimes I really like it; I just know that we sort of understand each other, and we both led rough lives as kids.  We have the same beliefs, we like the same things.  He has a very serious demeanor, though, whereas I'm bubbly and goofy and laugh nonstop most of the time.  He has a good sense of humor, just doesn't laugh out loud a lot or smile.  I get it, though.  I brought it up to him once that sometimes I don't know if he thinks I'm hilarious or a dumb ass.  He told me pointe blank, I think you are hilarious, even if it is dumb ass humor you have.  It was actually a compliment!  He calls me "Doll" and "Love" a lot.  Which could just be something he calls all girls/women that he adores, for all I know.  However, I still find it sweet. 

We got together about a week after we both got back to Michigan.  We ended up going to his parents house for the night, to have drinks, watch movies, listen to music, and talk.  It was fun.  We talked about everything.  I was a little nervous, a little ditzy, and drank a little too much.  He did too, though, and nothing terrible happened.  I did not go crazy (well, in a bad way, anyway), although I was loud.  I'm always loud.  I don't know how to train myself to be quiet.  How is it done?  His parents live down the road from my sister-in-law (that is a story for another time, I'll say), so I told him he could just drop me off there.  She invited him to stay a while, and so he did.  My nieces and nephew were there, and he was SO good with them.  My youngest niece adored him.  She usually cries around new people, especially men, being as she's only 8 months old.  But she didn't cry at all.  He held her and played with her and it was so endearing.  I have never had the ambition to have kids someday, but it was still sweet watching him with them, and knowing he would probably be a good dad.  (Isn't that one of the things a woman is supposed to look for in a man?) 

He stuck around for the night, and we had a few drinks and a fire and some music.  My sister-in-law liked him, which is good, because usually she can usually tell if someone is an asshole or not.  He ended up leaving around midnight, and I walked him to his truck.  He gave me a hug, and he kissed my forehead.  That was when I was thrown for a loop.  A kiss on the forehead is usually a sign of affection, correct?  I told Pam, and she thought it was sweet and probably meant he liked me, and thought of me as more than just you know...a piece of ass or whatever.  And that made me feel like a million dollars.  Chris never kissed my forehead.  Not once in almost two years.

He was only here to pack up the rest of his things, because he has duty in Washington for a year.  So we saw each other once more, and then he was busy the rest of the time.  We have talked on the phone, and have texted almost everyday.  I try to give it a rest, since I don't want to seem desperate, needy, or clingy.  I'm not any of those things.  I do enjoy talking to him.  We always have something to talk about.  He never seems annoyed, even if I do drunk text him nonsense (I have a thing for lyrics from 80's butt rock songs).  He always says, "Sweet dreams [doll/love]."  I do not want a relationship currently.  I have too much to do and think about to have to worry about giving someone else enough attention.  Plus, he is in Washington for a year.  In a way, it is sort of good.  There isn't so much pressure on either side. 

One of the best parts- he's a musician.  He plays guitar and writes songs.  I've always had a weakness for musicians.  I've only dated two or three non-musicians.  I just find it so sexy.  So even though he doesn't fit my usual canvas for a guy, he still has traits I totally fall for.  Which makes it that much harder.  Sigh.  Maybe it isn't what I should be thinking about right now, but is it so wrong for me to want it?  I'm 25.  I know to some it doesn't seem so old.  But when I look around and see all of my friends settling down, getting married, having kids, it makes me feel as if I'm still living my high school years.  I know that it isn't rational.  Everyone goes at their own pace.  I'm not ready to settle down and I'm not ready for marriage nor kids.  In fact, I've never wanted kids.  At one time I wanted to be married, but since the first time it failed, I've been slightly wary of the whole thing.  Now I look at myself, and wonder if I'm really going to end up alone for the next 20 years because I've been so anti-marriage and kids.  I do not want to be alone, but I know that I need someone who can deal with my mood swings, my crazy lifestyle, and wants the same things as I do.  And that doesn't come easily.

I suppose I shall end this here.  My niece is getting into cookies and my nephew just woke up.  Time to be an aunt and a good babysitter.