Friday, December 4, 2009

Give Me The Strength

I get the blues badly around this time of year.  This week has only been the start, but today was especially hard.  I'm still searching for a job- but that is hard to do when you have no phone to be reached on.  Yes, my phone got shut off.  Next is the cable.  After that, I'm not sure- but I know we were short on rent about fifty bucks and have 12 dollars in the bank until next Friday- when we have to pay the electric bill and somehow buy food as well.  I may sound ungrateful for a moment here, but I am merely venting.

I've rarely asked my parents for help.  Literally.  I moved out basically when I was a senior and since then, have struggled on my own.  The things I can say my parents have helped me with I can count on one hand.  My dad bought me my first car, as a graduation gift, but after that, I was on my own.  A couple weeks ago, I broke down and called my mom in Michigan, to tell her everything.  She has consistently helped my brother out of tight spots since he was 16, and has never held it against him.  That has continued after the many things he has put her through- failing out of college, losing a scholarship, putting my mom in thousands of dollars of debt because he just wanted to party, getting into legal trouble- the list is never-ending.  Now that he is 23, married, with three kids, I would think he'd have his shit together.  His newest addition is merely two months old.  But my mom continues to help him out constantly.  I understand, because there are kids involved.  I would never hold that against them.

However- she offered to help me out.  We are struggling badly now, and it's getting worse.  Chris's place of work decided to tell him they can't pay him for vacation until after New Year's- which he has been asking for since October.  Not only that but their sale pay scale has changed dramatically, and he is getting screwed royally.  After all the moving and bus riding and everything I did when we were going through hard times, I have zero money.  Nothing.  That is why my phone got shut off.  My mom said it wouldn't be much but she would send 40 bucks or so.  That is more than enough because, really, we just need food.  We are down to a tub of butter, three eggs, a frozen turkey, one corn dog, and a bunch of condiments.  That isn't a joke.  That is seriously what we have in the fridge.  I have one bag of spaghetti noodles left, no canned foods, nothing.  That is how bad the last month has been.

I think I've mentioned before (and not exactly proudly) that I'm on food assistance.  They cut my amount down to $100 a month, and even with all my food budgeting and planning, I cannot make it last longer than two weeks.  So the last two weeks of the cycle we are always starving.  My sister-in-law messaged me and told me my mom had sent out the package on Monday, so today was the day I figured I'd get it.  And I did.  This is where my slightly ungrateful attitude comes in.

She sent a box to me, full of stuff.  It cost her her a little more than 13 bucks to send it, and the things she sent were pretty helpful- shampoo, toothpaste, deodorant (I joked about how my last stick was about gone and I might smell bad for a while).  That was awesome because we know that stuff can get expensive.  However, we have all of that right now.  What we really needed is a little bit of money to get food.  She instead sent two bags of flavored rice, two Ziploc baggies full of cookies, a packet of guacamole mix, and cake mix and frosting.  I'm not sure what she was thinking.  I appreciate the thought, I REALLY, REALLY do (forgive me Jesus for sounding like a selfish brat), but with the 13 bucks she spent on the shipping, plus the cost of the bathroom items and food she sent...I could have planned a few dishes that would have lasted us longer than one night.  I was also really hurt that she didn't even send a letter with it.  It seemed as if she sent it, thinking, "Here, this is me helping," only to get me to stop complaining. 

So, because we don't have phones, and making a long distance call from a payphone is not an option (12 bucks for the week, remember, but that is all bus money for Chris to get to work), I can't even get a hold of her and see if there is something wrong.  It worries me.

Then my sister-in-law tells me, "Your mom has been helping us a lot lately with diapers and baby stuff because we are still unemployed."  All I can think is, they have cars.  They have phones.  They have cable.  But they can't afford diapers?  Maybe I am thinking too harshly because I don't have kids.  I know they are expensive.  I KNOW.  But they have their ENTIRE FAMILIES THERE TO HELP.  They don't pay for daycare (my mom watches my brothers two kids and her mom watches her first daughter from a previous relationship), they don't pay rent (they only pay utilities), and they still beg my mom for money.  Yet she can't help me out for the first time since I was 17.

I know, I am an adult, and I shouldn't even be talking like this.  It could be worse.  I could be homeless.  I could be living in a shopping cart.  I'm already stealing (internet, that is).  We are eating one meal a day, or just snacking on something small (I had a corn dog earlier), we stay in a lot, wear the same jeans at least three times before washing them (to save on water and detergent), and it's just- HARD! 

Not to mention, I visited my dad for Thanksgiving and they are in a bad situation, too.  They had to file for bankruptcy after he lost his business.  So I don't even have him for moral support because he tells me, "Suck it up, you're an adult and we all have hardships right now."  This is after he brags about the 52" flatscreen he just bought for his living room, and new furniture (when their old furniture wasn't even five years old, and he didn't offer to let us have it).  I'm very, very stressed and pissed off and depressed at the moment.  I didn't even get dressed or shower today.  Ugh.

Anyhow, if you read this, I'm sorry I brought you down.  Just venting, I suppose.  I'm crossing my fingers that this next week is better, and that I at least get some form of Christmas decorations, because I'm out of construction paper and only made a wreath and a few bells.

What a wonderful season.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Holiday Breather

I've been doing a "Worst Blind Date" theme this week, just for kicks.  I should have just made it worst date, because I've had a number of plain terrible dates that weren't so "blind" as well.  Today I'm taking a break, though, because I have developed a cold and my brain is a little fuzzy.  So instead, I'm making out my Christmas list.  Feel free to comment with what you want for Christmas!

Things I Want For Christmas

1.  Rent paid for on time.  :)
2.  My driver's license back!  Wouldn't that be so nice?
3.  In the event I got my driver's license back, a job to go along with it would be great.
4.  A little inside doggy pen for my rabbits, so they wouldn't be in a small cage at night.
5.  Several pairs of new underwear.  I know I'm long overdue on this.
6.  Just a tiny bit of snow in Phoenix?  :D  lol.
7.  Another rabbit.  Just for shits and giggles.
8.  A new weight loss plan that WORKS.  Ugh.
9.  New cell phone- preferably the Samsung Memoir.
10. If I can't have any of the above, I will take a nice big dinner with my family with food that is so delicious I can't stop eating it (and also doesn't add to my weight any). 

Happy Holidays!  I'm going to spend the day watching yet another marathon of Christmas movies, and making my own Christmas decorations since I can't afford any this year. 

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Maybe If I Were A Ditz

What's worse than a blind date you have absolutely nothing in common with and is not exactly what you would  A blind date that you have absolutely nothing in common with but IS hot- but then goes after your cousin while still on a date with you.

Last spring, I met a guy on MySpace.  I know, I know- silly me!  But he messaged me, and said he thought my profile was funny and that I had a cute pic (it was me, jumping on a trampoline in pjs).  I thought it was nice that a guy actually read my profile for once and didn't just message me because he saw my "sexy" profile pictures.  We ended up having an all night message-fest, and at the end of the night, he told me he didn't usually give out his number to strangers online (yeah, right) but if I wanted to give him a call sometime, I wouldn't mind. 

The next few days we just messaged each other, and I told him that I wasn't sure I would call him (I'm sort of shy on the phone), but gave him my number in case he wanted to call.  One day after work, he did call, and we had a GREAT conversation.  We talked about a lot of things we did have in common, and laughed a lot.  I think one of our phones died, and he ended up texting me saying it was probably a good thing it did die because otherwise he would have stayed on the phone all night.  He told me it was the best conversation he'd had with a girl in a long time, and I was sort of flattered.  Let me mention- in his pictures, he was REALLY cute. 

So, after another few days of talking, he finally asked if I would like to have dinner sometime.  I said I'd love to, and we made plans to meet at Applebee's.  I was really nervous but excited, and by the time I got there I was nervous as hell.  I arrived first- I consider it a good thing because I really needed a drink to calm myself.  I ordered a beer and waited patiently.  He called and said he was running a little behind but he was still coming.  Then, he arrived.  I swear when he walked through the restaurant, every woman in the place turned to watch him walk by.  Yes, he was gorgeous.  I couldn't believe my luck- FINALLY, a great looking guy that has a good personality and is interested in me for more than just my looks!  Score!

We had a great time at dinner.  He insisted on paying for everything (always a plus in my book), and after we were finished eating, he asked if I wanted to go see a movie.  I made a quick trip to the bathroom, and texted my cousin Leah in Michigan to tell her.  She said it was a good thing, because he wanted to prolong the date.  Duh.  So we went to the movies.  There was crap playing, but we watched The Bucket List and basically talked the entire time. 

At the end of the night, he gave me a kiss goodnight- it wasn't slobbery or weird- and it was very innocent.  I was very, very happy with how it went, to say the least.  He was a complete gentleman, and said he would call me soon.  I wasn't sure what it meant, but figured, hey, I got one good night, and I was happy with that.  I mean, come on- after several terrible blind dates before that, I had to call it successful, even if it was just one night.

Then, he asked to hang out again.  At his place.  And I wanted to.  So I did.  We watched a Phoenix Suns game and had a few beers, and that is when my second cousin comes into play.  I knew what she was like, and I shouldn't have brought her in at all, but I did.  And it all came crashing down after that.  Turns out, they knew each other.  The guy recognized my cousin from somewhere, and then she realized where she knew him from.  Rehab.  Perfect, right?  Yes, they were both in rehab together.  He used to be addicted to heroin, something I'm sure would have come up eventually, but hadn't yet.  I was completely in shock at that point.

At some point, he decided to look for my cousin's picture on MySpace, and found her in my pictures.  My cousin is really pretty, and skinny, and she's a ditz- something that guys are weak for, I suppose.  They started talking on MySpace and eventually, she got involved with it all.  She told him I was bipolar and had a lot of emotional issues (correct- I am bipolar, but it is UNDER CONTROL AND HAS BEEN), and scared him off.  He then said he just wanted to be my friend.  He invited me out to go putt-putt golfing, and my conniving cousin asked to join us, if it was just a friend thing.  I let her.  It was the worst night I had had in Phoenix.  He flirted with her the entire time, and she acted like such a moron I found myself rolling my eyes and laughing at her most of the time.  He didn't seem to care.  He showed her how to hold a club- we all know that drill- and I was sick most of the night.  I told him to drop me off first, and that was basically the end of it.

I learned that night that guys are mostly idiots and don't really think with their brains.  The worst part was, I wasn't even the one persuing him- he pursued me.  Ugh.  Can you top that crappy date?

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

"...But I Saw His High School Picture!"

Early 2006.  I'm 20 years old, just moved back from Ohio from a brief 3-month fling with a guy that had commitment problems (only to tell me AFTER I moved my life down there).  I was, again, on the rebound.  It was also about the time I decided to take a hiatus from commitment myself, and to just have fun.  Meaning, get drunk a lot and forget that in the last six months I had been engaged, cheated on, moved 700 miles to another state, dumped again, and back to jumping from couch to couch for a while.

My cousin Leah met a guy through some friends of ours.  A bunch of us went to a house party and our friends Jenna and Ashley said, "Hey, you should meet up with Jay, he's really cool."  I thought it was a terrible idea.  They told her he was punk rock just like her (I laugh hysterically when I read that because if anything, my cousin is the complete opposite of punk rock- she just liked to be a poser back then).  In reality, he was exactly like me.  That's another story, though.  We planned out where to meet Jay so we could all hang out.  We should have known better as soon as he said "Meet me at the gas station." 

Once we were all back at the house party, we all chilled and drank a lot of beer and it was a good time.  I found Jay to be a complete narcissist, and an asshole, to be honest.  He had absolutely nothing in common with my cousin.  I hate to say he was anything like me either, at that point, but we had a lot of the same interests, which was sad.  He blew off my cousin, who was directing her undivided attention at him, mainly because he was good-looking.  He was funny at times, but that was it.  I sat on a couch drinking my beer alone for most of the night, and Jay took the opportunity to sit next to me.  He was flirting with me, but because I had no interest, it became a game to him.  I spent the rest of the time trying to avoid him or push him to my cousin. 

I told my cousin the next day I didn't find him to be all that great and said she could do better, but she didn't care.  She decided to try to go for it with him.  And he went with it.  That was when the blind date came in.  Jay had a friend, Corey, who hadn't a relationship (with a girl) in quite a while, and he thought we would hit it off.  In the best interest of my cousin, I should have said "No."  She was so excited that he asked her to go hang out that I couldn't let her down, though.  So I gave in.  Corey called me, and like I guessed- we had nothing in common.  He was into politics.  Liked science.  LISTENED TO COUNTRY!  That should say it all.

Leah told me, "I saw his high school picture, and he looks really cute.  Maybe he's just a geek at heart."  Right.  Her idea of cute and my idea of cute are on completely different spectrums altogether, but I went.  We were supposed to meet them at the Pizza Hut a town over from us.  Pizza Hut?  Are you kidding?  Are we in high school?  I didn't complain.  At least I wasn't paying.  We arrived.  And had to wait for the guys.  And wait.  And wait.  We waited for almost an hour.  They were late.  Finally, they arrived.  And guess what?  Corey.  Was.  Not.  Cute.

We ordered.  I was less than thrilled.  Leah hardly spoke at all, and neither did Corey.  Jay and I were the ones keeping the conversation going.  Corey wanted to talk about some show he watched on TV (The Colbert Report, to be correct- sorry if you're a fan, but I am not).  Jay and I talked about music.  Leah kept her mouth shut.  At some point we all left, and Corey said we could all hang out at his house because his parents were gone.  You live with your parents?  I guess I shouldn't have been surprised.  But yes, he lived with his parents, in their basement, of all places.  Oh boy.

We went back to his house, and after a few beers were in me, I was able to completely forget I was supposed to be on a date with this dud.  I know I intimidated him.  I have a personality that sometimes overwhelms people, especially shy beings.  He had no interest after that to talk much at all.  Jay brought out his guitar and played us some songs, then taught me a song.  "Photograph" by Nickelback.  He was so surprised I could play the guitar he wanted to keep teaching me new songs, totally leaving my cousin in the cold, and Corey, too. 

So the end of the night comes, and we are too drunk to drive, so they tell us we can stay there.  There are two couches in the basement, and then Corey's bed on the other side of a wall.  Leah actually had the NERVE to suggest I go sleep with Corey, and she and Jay could sleep on the pull-out couch.  I didn't do it.  I didn't want to put a damper on her night (even though I'm pretty sure Jay had absolutely no interest at that point), but I wasn't going to sleep next to some dude I didn't know nor even really like just so she could be heartbroken the next day when Jay told her he didn't see her like that, AFTER fooling around.  I promptly fell asleep on the couch across from them.

Corey and I didn't speak again.  He told Jay that he didn't find me that interesting.  Jay said I was a riot.  ...It was the last time we all hung out.  Leah wound up heartbroken when Jay told her a couple weeks later, "You just aren't my type."  And that was the second blind date I went on.  At least that one didn't end with a slobbery kiss.

Monday, November 30, 2009

The "Not Quite Honest" Blind Date

It was my junior year of high school.  I was single and enjoying it, because I'd spent almost three years in a relationship with guys that treated me terribly.  My two best friends at the time agreed I should try to meet new people.  So I did.  I don't remember how, but I know it was through a friend of a friend of a future boyfriend's bandmate's girlfriend.  Is that confusing enough for you?

His name was Kenny.  Kenny and his friend Rod were both 19, lived in the city 30 minutes from me, and asked if I wanted to go out to dinner and watch a movie with them.  I agreed, as long as my best girl friend at the time, Sami, could go.  You know, for safety's sake (or just because if he was ugly, she could block the goodnight kiss scene).  I saw one picture on Kenny, and as far as I could tell, he wasn't bad looking at all, and he seemed pretty sweet.  ...Believe me, it was far from the truth.

Sami and I had him pick us up from her mom's house.  I was afraid of my own mother's reaction and Sami's mom was always like a second mom to me, except cooler.  She wouldn't embarrass me like my own mother would.  I stayed in the upstairs bathroom, getting ready and trying not to throw up, until the doorbell rang.  I made Sami answer it.  She came upstairs to get me, and the look on her face told me everything.

Kenny didn't look anything like the picture I saw.  He was about four feet tall and had a shaved head, something I couldn't stand at the time.  He wore big glasses and was the billboard picture of nerdy.  I couldn't believe it.  How did I get talked into this?!

I didn't want to go, but couldn't be rude, so I went anyway.  We met up with his friend Rod at the mall.  Guess what?  The picture I had been sent was of him.  And he was completely gorgeous.  It was totally unfair.  I didn't want to have to spend one minute sitting next to poor Kenny (who wasn't a bad guy, I was just shallow) by myself, whether in a theater or at his house, so we hung around the mall.  At one point, Sami and I were in the FYE store, and a few of our friends from another school were there, making us laugh so hard I almost wet myself.  I had to run to the bathroom, where she followed me.  The terrible thing was, the reason we were laughing so hard was because they were making fun of my date.  I know, stupid high school girls.

At the end of the night, I made a comment about the picture before we left the mall, and Rod laughed.  It had been him the whole time that I was talking to, and he was just a complete asshole.  He didn't plan for us to actually go through with the date.  My friend Mindy, who lived next door to him and was the one to set us up, apologized later for it. 

It started getting nasty out because of a snow storm, and Sami begged to be dropped off first.  I was so, so mad at her for it, because I didn't want to be alone with him at all, let alone when we had to go half the speed limit because of the storm.  The whole ride back to my house Kenny kept trying to hold my hand.  I couldn't help being weirded out.  Then- the worst happened.

Once we were in my driveway, he offered to walk me to the door, and I turned him down, saying my parents were probably in bed and I didn't want them to wake up.  He insisted, and followed me.  Across the yard.  To the stairs.  Up the stairs.  To my door.  And it was there, that I had the worst kiss of my life.

At this point, I'd kissed a handful of guys.  None had compared to the nastiness of this one.  It was slobbery, and wet, and seriously, the term 'tonsil hockey' was exactly appropriate for what he was doing.  I swear he really wanted to shove his tongue down my throat.  I almost cried when I finally ran inside, slamming the door on him.  ...It doesn't end there.

He was so sure our date went great that he called me all the next day.  About a hundred times.  I told him it was my little brother's birthday (never mind that my brother's birthday is in April and it is now February) and we were going bowling.  He had the nerve to ask to join us.  I said no.  Then promptly told everyone in my house that if "Kenny" called, they were not to tell him I was home.  I forgot to mention Rod, and soon enough, Rod was calling, laughing hysterically.  I just kept hanging up.

I should have learned from my first experience, but I didn't.  I went on several blind dates after that, and let me warn you, none of them were good.  From that point forward, I was jinxed.  Hope you're ready to read more this week!

Thoughts of the Day

I was having flashbacks the other day about my blind date experiences when I first moved here.  I don't know what brought them on, but on in particular came to mind.  I went to a concert and the guy was supposed to meet up with me at the show, but never showed up.  So I wound up watching The Used alone, which didn't bother me too much, because a few other guys bought me drinks.  However afterwards, I almost got stranded because I had no ride home.  The guy showed up though, and I was stupid enough to take a ride home.  He dropped me off and apologized profusely about his meetings running late (slightly believable because he was in a suit), but I just shrugged.  I told him I had to work early so I couldn't stay out any later, but said we could hang out some other time.  He texted me a couple days later, and asked if he could just pick me up and we could go to the park or something to chill.  Then it progressed to hinting at getting it on because it had been so long.  ...Um, no, sorry.  After I said I didn't think so, he decided to be a complete immature moron and say that he didn't like "thick" girls, anyway, and that I was fugly.  OKAY!  LMAO.  ...Anyhow.  Onto better things.

We moved this past weekend into our new, smaller apartment.  It was interesting.  I prefer the smaller one because the kitchen is HUGE- but I don't have the spare bedroom to put all of my crap in, so I have no idea what I'm going to do with all of my books.  Chris told me to go to a resale shop, but I told him, "NO!"  My books are like my babies.  I did give away about half of my paperbacks last fall, and I thought that was enough.  However, Chris was pissed yesterday because when he moved one of the boxes, the bottom completely fell out and most of my paperbacks came flooding out.  ...Oops. 

But- I HAVE MY WIRELESS BACK!!  :)  I'm so excited.  It's so much better using my own computer to write blogs, from the comfort of my couch, or bed, or kitchen counter.  :-P

This was just a quickie update, as I'm going to be starting a new theme this week.  I'm doing a new topic every week, and my topic this week will be- Blind Dating.  Oooh, exciting, right?  I know.  I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving, and Cooper says thanks for all the great comments.  :)  He recommends getting at least two bunnies to keep the blues away.