Give Me The Strength

I get the blues badly around this time of year.  This week has only been the start, but today was especially hard.  I'm still searching for a job- but that is hard to do when you have no phone to be reached on.  Yes, my phone got shut off.  Next is the cable.  After that, I'm not sure- but I know we were short on rent about fifty bucks and have 12 dollars in the bank until next Friday- when we have to pay the electric bill and somehow buy food as well.  I may sound ungrateful for a moment here, but I am merely venting.

I've rarely asked my parents for help.  Literally.  I moved out basically when I was a senior and since then, have struggled on my own.  The things I can say my parents have helped me with I can count on one hand.  My dad bought me my first car, as a graduation gift, but after that, I was on my own.  A couple weeks ago, I broke down and called my mom in Michigan, to tell her everything.  She has consistently helped my brother out of tight spots since he was 16, and has never held it against him.  That has continued after the many things he has put her through- failing out of college, losing a scholarship, putting my mom in thousands of dollars of debt because he just wanted to party, getting into legal trouble- the list is never-ending.  Now that he is 23, married, with three kids, I would think he'd have his shit together.  His newest addition is merely two months old.  But my mom continues to help him out constantly.  I understand, because there are kids involved.  I would never hold that against them.

However- she offered to help me out.  We are struggling badly now, and it's getting worse.  Chris's place of work decided to tell him they can't pay him for vacation until after New Year's- which he has been asking for since October.  Not only that but their sale pay scale has changed dramatically, and he is getting screwed royally.  After all the moving and bus riding and everything I did when we were going through hard times, I have zero money.  Nothing.  That is why my phone got shut off.  My mom said it wouldn't be much but she would send 40 bucks or so.  That is more than enough because, really, we just need food.  We are down to a tub of butter, three eggs, a frozen turkey, one corn dog, and a bunch of condiments.  That isn't a joke.  That is seriously what we have in the fridge.  I have one bag of spaghetti noodles left, no canned foods, nothing.  That is how bad the last month has been.

I think I've mentioned before (and not exactly proudly) that I'm on food assistance.  They cut my amount down to $100 a month, and even with all my food budgeting and planning, I cannot make it last longer than two weeks.  So the last two weeks of the cycle we are always starving.  My sister-in-law messaged me and told me my mom had sent out the package on Monday, so today was the day I figured I'd get it.  And I did.  This is where my slightly ungrateful attitude comes in.

She sent a box to me, full of stuff.  It cost her her a little more than 13 bucks to send it, and the things she sent were pretty helpful- shampoo, toothpaste, deodorant (I joked about how my last stick was about gone and I might smell bad for a while).  That was awesome because we know that stuff can get expensive.  However, we have all of that right now.  What we really needed is a little bit of money to get food.  She instead sent two bags of flavored rice, two Ziploc baggies full of cookies, a packet of guacamole mix, and cake mix and frosting.  I'm not sure what she was thinking.  I appreciate the thought, I REALLY, REALLY do (forgive me Jesus for sounding like a selfish brat), but with the 13 bucks she spent on the shipping, plus the cost of the bathroom items and food she sent...I could have planned a few dishes that would have lasted us longer than one night.  I was also really hurt that she didn't even send a letter with it.  It seemed as if she sent it, thinking, "Here, this is me helping," only to get me to stop complaining. 

So, because we don't have phones, and making a long distance call from a payphone is not an option (12 bucks for the week, remember, but that is all bus money for Chris to get to work), I can't even get a hold of her and see if there is something wrong.  It worries me.

Then my sister-in-law tells me, "Your mom has been helping us a lot lately with diapers and baby stuff because we are still unemployed."  All I can think is, they have cars.  They have phones.  They have cable.  But they can't afford diapers?  Maybe I am thinking too harshly because I don't have kids.  I know they are expensive.  I KNOW.  But they have their ENTIRE FAMILIES THERE TO HELP.  They don't pay for daycare (my mom watches my brothers two kids and her mom watches her first daughter from a previous relationship), they don't pay rent (they only pay utilities), and they still beg my mom for money.  Yet she can't help me out for the first time since I was 17.

I know, I am an adult, and I shouldn't even be talking like this.  It could be worse.  I could be homeless.  I could be living in a shopping cart.  I'm already stealing (internet, that is).  We are eating one meal a day, or just snacking on something small (I had a corn dog earlier), we stay in a lot, wear the same jeans at least three times before washing them (to save on water and detergent), and it's just- HARD! 

Not to mention, I visited my dad for Thanksgiving and they are in a bad situation, too.  They had to file for bankruptcy after he lost his business.  So I don't even have him for moral support because he tells me, "Suck it up, you're an adult and we all have hardships right now."  This is after he brags about the 52" flatscreen he just bought for his living room, and new furniture (when their old furniture wasn't even five years old, and he didn't offer to let us have it).  I'm very, very stressed and pissed off and depressed at the moment.  I didn't even get dressed or shower today.  Ugh.

Anyhow, if you read this, I'm sorry I brought you down.  Just venting, I suppose.  I'm crossing my fingers that this next week is better, and that I at least get some form of Christmas decorations, because I'm out of construction paper and only made a wreath and a few bells.

What a wonderful season.