Thursday, December 24, 2009

100th Post + 1

My 100th post was a sad one, so this one will be a happy one.  It is Christmas Eve, and though I am sure this Christmas will not compare to any great ones in the past, I am thankful I will at least be spending it with my family and and wonderful boyfriend and will not be alone. 

I forget to check my mail a lot because I get bills online and rarely get mail.  So when I opened my mailbox today I was surprised to see two things: first, a note saying I had a package waiting in the office, and second, a big envelope. 

The one waiting in the office was from my mom and family back in Michigan.  She sent me cookies, candy, and some peanuts (she's funny).  There was even a New Moon chocolate heart candy.  It's weird how when we lived together she couldn't even tell anyone my favorite band but now, 2,000 miles away she knows what I enjoy.  Especially since it's been a month since I've talked to her.  Anyhow, she sent me a Snoopy stuffed animal (her usual theme, Peanuts characters), and a card with spare five's and a check.  It will go towards paying electricity and also, a treat to myself (a new stick of RAM for my laptop).  I'm thankful for the fact she sent me anything, because she is also going through a hard time, because my brother and his wife have three kids and neither has a job, so she is helping them out.  I was unable to send anyone gifts, due to my financial struggles currently (also some news with that!), but I sent cards out filled with my love.

Now, the second thing was a large orange envelope.  My boyfriend says, "Oh, what is this?"  And pulls it out.  At first, I thought it was from another college or my grandma.  Then I turned it over and saw that it was neither, but a stranger I have just met.  I nearly burst into tears.  Chris asked, "Are you going to cry?"  And I laughed and said probably.

This envelope was filled with candy and a card, and some AWESOME smelling lotion (how'd you know that's my favorite??).  I read the card and started crying because of the thoughtfulness that went into.  Even right now I am trying not to cry.  I showed Chris and he was like, "Wow."  He couldn't believe it, either.  What started as a promise to exchange homemade Christmas cards (neither ended up being- I was lacking the supplies because I can't afford my usual assortment :( ), turned into something much, much more.  And to think, it's all because of this blog.

Her name is Dawn, and I met her on here.  She has been nothing but supportive (along with MANY of you), and is quite a sweetheart.  She offered to help me a little bit, which I graciously declined because...well, I have a hard time accepting things from strangers and also because I'm sort of embarrassed.  However, she sent a gift anyway, and it meant the world to me.  Chris was more in shock than I was, it was sort of funny.  He opened up the lotion bottle and said, "That smells good."  It was hilarious.

Anyhow, thank you SOOOOO much, Dawn- you alone made my Christmas bright. 

This shows that the kindness of strangers alone can sometimes be enough to make your outlook change, even if it is just a card and some taffy. 

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

The Holidays and the Economy

I read an article a few months back about how the rate of vandalism, shoplifting, and breaking and entering have gone up drastically because of the economy.  I don't know the exact statistics, but I can say that it was an enormous jump in percentage from early 2008.  I was in shock, and glad to be able to say I hadn't had anything stolen, nor has my apartment been broken into.  I could only imagine being in the situation where my most expensive possessions were stolen. 

This past week I've been talking to my dad a lot (as I told my readers in previous blogs, he and my stepmom filed for bankruptcy and are now broke).  He was in the hospital for a week again for heart complications.  He had open heart surgery in spring and has been recovering from it, and was out of work for a while.  He just started his new job, and both of them have been struggling to keep bills at bay, just as a lot of us have.  I have had one thing after another happen to me lately (my laptop needs a new stick of RAM and hard drive now), and I'm still in a financial funk.  I care about and love my dad dearly, but he hasn't been the most supportive parent in my life.  We aren't all the close, although I do get along with him better than my mom.  I think it comes from the fact that I don't tell him anything about my life.

But yesterday he messaged me on Facebook, to tell me that their house was broken into and most of their valuable things were stolen, including the 64" flatscreen they just bought in October for my step mom's birthday and early Christmas present for themselves.  The stole my step mom's antique china set that was passed down to her from her grandmother, both of their hand guns, all of her jewelry (over $2000 worth) and some of my dad's music equipment.  From what my dad said, his digital video recorder bag was left open on the kitchen table, with his guitars and a laptop.  What saved these items?  Their umbrella cockatoo Kirby, who has a bad habit of being very, very loud.  They think he started screaming, and they bolted out of there when he wouldn't shut up.  The reason they think this is because a bunch of shredded napkins were found in the bottom of his cage.  They suspect the intruders attempted to shut the bird up by giving him something to chew on.  Unfortunately for them, Kirby probably tried to attack them through the cage and continued to squawk very loudly (they've had complaints from past neighbors- worse than yipping dogs).

I just cannot believe this happened.  When I was in high school my mother's van was stolen out of her driveway.  My grandma had her safe stolen a few years ago.  And now this.  Why around Christmas?  Why do people do this?  I understand being desperate, believe me.  But seriously, taking innocent people's possessions because you are selfish and don't know how to work for it?  Ugh.  I'm disgusted. 

This is one more reason the economy needs to be fixed before anything.  I feel for all of those that have had things stolen from them. 

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Deck The Halls

The great debate- colored or white Christmas lights? Or do you prefer the blue ones? I'm torn as well. So I would choose the Charlie Brown Christmas tree. Solves my problem.

And what about your house?  I haven't owned a house I could decorate yet, but I know that my mom doesn't do the outside, just the inside.  I love lights on houses, but personally, I just wouldn't have the time or patience to staple up THAT many lights.  I'd probably just do a few bushes out front.

This isn't the exact copy of what I have.  I don't own the "Little Drummer Boy", nor "Frosty the Snowman", but either way, you can bet my DVD player is decked with these classics from Thanksgiving until New Year's.  And sometimes inbetween, if I'm feeling a little weird.  Which I do a lot of the time.

I was going to insert a picture of a male stripper dressed in Santa attire, but none of the pictures I found seemed appropriate.  So instead, I'm moving onto my Greatest Wish List.

The Samsung Memoir.  Doesn't it look BEAUTIFUL???  I think this is my greatest wish, because it takes care of the digital camera AND phone part of my needs.  Score!

A scrapbooking kit of some sort.  I had to leave most of my supplies in Michigan back in '07, and still haven't built up my collection like I had back there.  All of my tools and papers and neat stickers were left behind.  I don't want to spend money on a whole new set, but at the same time- I MISS SCRAPBOOKING! 

I don't know if this is going to happen anytime soon, but I thought it would be cute to post.  :)  Cooper and Beauty have been asking for a little brother or sister...

Don't laugh.  You may think this is funny, but it isn't.  I'm serious.  I want some NICE silverware.  I have cheap stuff right now and I hate how it feels in my mouth.  Ugh.  I don't know why, it just does.  Some new dishes would be great to go along with it.

There are about a million other things I could put on my Greatest Wish List right now, as well.  I'm sure everyone feels the same way.  But what I really, really want, more than ANYTHING-

Is to have a good holiday season with no fighting, great food, and have it end up being relatively stress-free.  Oh, and of course- a Christmas tree.  :)

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Nanny Diaries

Back in the day (I was 13, I believe), I thought I was so cool because I was able to watch kids and make money.  Kids like me, for some reason I don't understand.  I've never wanted to have kids of my own, and most of the time, I am highly annoyed by crying and whining.  When I was younger though, I found it fabulous that my weekends were spent babysitting.

And then it all changed.  The town I lived in was having a severe economic crisis to the point where bussing had actually been taken out of the picture.  No longer were we riding buses to school.  Families were moving away from town just so the kids would have a ride to school.  This didn't apply to me, because my mom didn't work and was able to drive us.  The rest of the town, however, was in a sticky situation.  Parents were having to take on weekend jobs, but didn't have the money to pay for babysitters.  That is when with a friend and her mother, the Baby-Sitters Club was formed.  (This isn't a joke, so don't laugh.)

The 4-H Committee of our county granted us the opportunity to present them with our idea.  We had to create poster boards and outlines and speeches to portray how we would help the community by being babysitters and nannies- for free.  All we asked is that they help us go to camp every summer we completed more than so many hours of service.  4-H Camp was the coolest thing back then, because we got to go to a college campus four hours away (Michigan State University) and hang out with new people and flirt with all the guys on campus.  Forget that we were 13 and most guys were not interested in girls then.  So, we formed our plan, and it was approved.  We were given enough funds to create several Fun Totes (filled with dolls, blocks, paper, crayons, markers, etc.), and told that at the end of the school year, if we had accumulated so many hours, they would help send us to camp.  And it began.

Every weekend, we met up at the 4-H offices and used their phone to call parents in desperate need of help.  Sometimes we had to even work after school, walking in several feet of snow in below 0 weather to get to the houses (that is not an exaggeration like your parents might tell, this is TRUE).  We watched angels and devils alike.  I remember one kid in particular that was obsessed with Tele Tubbies.  He was crazy, I swear.  His parents claimed he was potty-trained and that he only wore Pull-Ups to bed.  Lies.  We watched him for 6 hours during on a snow day, and that kid did not use the bathroom once.  Instead, he chose to go in his pants, and then hide them somewhere.  I found several pairs of filled underwear in pants that day. 

Another little girl cried if you tried to talk to her.  Her parents said she was a little shy, but it seemed like every time my friend or I tried to ask her a question she'd bust out in tears and cry for mommy and daddy.  We were at a loss for words, and ended up calling the parents several times during a three hour night.  They were having dinner at a friend's house, and I know they were upset.  However, there was nothing we could do.  The poor girl could not stop crying.  It was to the point where she was actually choking.  Mind you, my friend and I are only 13 years old and only have so much experience with kids.  My youngest brother was only three at the time, so I had some experience, but I had no idea what to do in that crisis.

Unlike in the movie The Nanny Diaries, most of the parents were glad just to have someone to watch the kids.  They didn't care what we did, as long as their kids were alive when they got home.  I will admit that during naptimes, I was bound to be on the phone with my friends.  What else was I supposed to do?  This was back in the times when hardly anyone had cable and satellite was a real luxury for most.  I could only watch Toy Story and Pocahontas so many times because I was pulling my hair out.  This was also when Barney was still around, for the most part, so I learned a lot from him (when you hug blue and red it makes purple...go figure). 

I haven't babysat much since those days.  We finished out our first year of duty, went to our first summer at camp, and it was terrible.  It was the year of tornadoes in Michigan, and go figure, three dropped down right in the middle of campus while we were there.  We were forced to spend hours outside in the sun, which isn't all that pleasant in Michigan, believe me.  One girl actually died from heat stroke, which scared us all.  The last three days were spent in different buildings around campus.  To say the least, babysitting was the most fun of the two experiences.

Because of my current situation, though, I've decided to try to take it up again.  I've posted a couple of ads for nanny/housekeeping jobs, and I got my first reply this morning in an email.  I feel terrible that I don't have a phone for people to call, but I don't have a choice right now.  So, a lady emailed me and asked me to call her for details, so I'm forced to gather change to run down the street to use a payphone.  How fun!  She is actually on maternity leave right now, and isn't due until February.  She needs help around the house, though, and with running errands, so it'll actually be a good thing.  At least I'll have time to adjust to her before I actually have to help with a baby.  Some people are weird about strangers handling their newborns and infants.  I'm a little nervous, but, I figure if I could do it when I was 13, I can do it now. 

Let's all cross our fingers that she's not as nuts as the mom in The Nanny Diaries, though.


I just received an email from the lady I had the interview with, and she lives in Surprise, which is way too far for me to travel.  Plus the bus doesn't go out there.  So, back to square one.  See what I get for having my hopes up?  Sigh.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Oh, My Life Is So Tragic!

I have a friend.  (Boy, a lot of my posts start out like that, huh?)  My friend S is 27, and she thinks her life is awful.  I know I'm not very far into this blog, but already I feel like I have to insert something bad that happened today. 

I was watching Gossip Girl (Lord, forgive me), and I heard this consistent drip, drip, drip for about five minutes, and couldn't figure out where it was coming from.  Then it dawned on me: it's raining outside, and we have a leak.  Found the leak- right over top of a couple computer monitors we have acquired (Chris is an electronic hoarder, I swear).  I was so mad.  I couldn't believe it.  We live on the bottom floor of our building, so where a leak is coming from, Lord only knows, but yes, we have a leak.  Go figure maintenance can only fix it once it's dry, and for the first time since before summer, Phoenix has a week of rain ahead of us.  NICE!

So, I have this friend, and she constantly says how crappy her life is.  This all started because her boyfriend of ten years broke up with her earlier this year in April, and they have agreed it is over for good this time.  He is addicted to meth and heroin, and she made the decision that he is not worth the pain and suffering he caused her for five of the years they were together.

This is a terrible thing to happen to someone.  I can't imagine being with someone that long, only to have to leave him because he has a drug problem, and not because I don't love him anymore.  It has to be hard on her.  In fact, I know it is hard on her, because she never fails to let me know that every time we hang out, which has sadly not been often for a while now, because I just don't have the patience to sit through another two hour conversation about how shitty her life is.  I feel like I'm being a bad friend when I discuss these things, but tonight was a revelation of sorts, and I no longer feel bad.

S's best friend is D.  They have been best friends since they were in middle school.  That's a pretty long stretch to be friends for, especially for women.  They have shared a lot of memories, good and bad.  D has hung out with us a few times, this past weekend being the most recent.  Chris and I joined S and D for drinks at our friend Scott's house, and usually we have a lot of fun.  I was just not up for it.  You see, S was in a wedding on Saturday, so she had a lot to say.  I basically kept my mouth shut the entire time, just because I knew there would be no point in trying to speak. 

She constantly interrupts everyone.  For every bad thing that has happened to someone, she has two even more terrible stories that happened to her.  Even though I have no food in the fridge and am basically living like a hermit because I am so poor and refuse to get out of PJs unless I have to, only to save on laundry detergent, her life is way worse.  S lives with her parents.  She doesn't pay rent, and never has.  She pays for her car and that is it.  She spends money like it's growing on trees.  Usually when she comes over she has a bag of leftovers from whatever restaurant she ate at.  She is rarely home.  When Scott and S started dating, her mom became worried because S seemed to be getting overly attached quickly.

S, her mom, and Scott all work together in the same office.  Her mom got a little too involved out of worry and told Scott he better not break her heart.  We all knew that S was becoming attached and falling for him, but he made it clear that he is moving to Seattle in spring, and he is going alone.  He is a really nice guy, but he knows S is in no state to be getting in a relationship.  I guess he finally had had enough with her mom badgering him at work, and he called off their casual dating completely.  S was devastated.  She came over to hang out (after nearly two months of seing her twice), and immediately started crying.  Not over Scott- but over the ex-boyfriend. 

Her other complaint has been about her friend Courtney getting married, and involving a girl that had cheated with her ex, or something, like six years ago.  I guess S hates this girl, and Courtney knows this, yet still invited her to her wedding.  Courtney is still friends with her, but S can't understand why she would want to be friends with someone that hurt her so badly.  She doesn't get it.  I've had this happen to me before, so I understand where she is coming from.  But it was six years ago, and eventually, you have to move on.  It seemed unreasonable for her to try to make her friend's wedding all about herself.  She is constantly repeating herself about how good of a friend she is to everyone, but everyone treats her like shit and takes advantage of her.  ...Notice how I mentioned above she always interrupts people and disappears off the radar for months at a time.

Other than her heartbreak, she seems to have a pretty good life.  She makes good money at work, she drives a nice car, she has a supportive and loving family (I used to spend every Saturday with them all because Chris playing softball on a league with them), and she has really great friends, D being one of them.  Except, D doesn't feel that way anymore, even after 15 years of friendship.  She opened up to me tonight via Facebook.  She asked what I was up to, and I told her, "Nada, just at home alone.  Chris went with S over to Scott's house."  I guess it was the wrong thing to say.  S apparently told D that she didn't feel like doing anything so she was just going home- then picked Chris up from work and then went to Scott's.  D was pissed.  I didn't know I wasn't supposed to say anything, so of course I didn't feel bad.  But then I got to hear D's side of how S has been acting, and I just felt like calling up S and giving her a piece of my mind right then and there.  D is really hurt, and told me how she feels like she is only friends with S when it is convenient for S.  And that is exactly how it is.  S started hanging out with Scott again right after I got back from Colorado, and she has been over once.  She hasn't been in our new apartment at all, and actually used the excuse that she didn't know where it was- it is, honestly, right across from our old apartment, in the same complex, no joke.  So, I know exactly what D means, and I feel terrible for her. 

How can a person rant and rave repeatedly about how shitty their life is, how crappy their friends are, yet, feel no grief about lying to a friend?  S is a nice person.  She is very giving when she wants to be.  She isn't a good listener at all, though.  I know her whole life story.  I could tell it right now.  But I bet she doesn't even remember my last name, no joke.  She was actually complaining about how she didn't want to spend Thanksgiving in Snowflake (which is up north, I guess) because her mom was going there.  I wanted to strangle her, because I would kill to spend Thanksgiving with my mom, even though she is nuts.  Probably moreso than hers.  How can she constantly complain about how awful she has it, yet act so ungrateful for what she does have?  At 27, I figure it's normal nowadays to have a fall back and crash with the parents.  I figure everyone has it hard, once in a while, and needs a little help.  But apparently, this has been an ongoing thing her whole life, and she expects thing to be handed to her, or at least come easily.  It sort of makes me nauseous.

'Tis the season.  I may end all of my posts like that until after New Year's.  I must say, though- I have enjoyed my Christmas classics movies, my Christmas music, and the Christmas lights and decorations on the houses down the street.  The few simple things I love about the holidays are mine, at least.  Now if only I could teach a lesson to the ungrateful people I know.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Give Me The Strength

I get the blues badly around this time of year.  This week has only been the start, but today was especially hard.  I'm still searching for a job- but that is hard to do when you have no phone to be reached on.  Yes, my phone got shut off.  Next is the cable.  After that, I'm not sure- but I know we were short on rent about fifty bucks and have 12 dollars in the bank until next Friday- when we have to pay the electric bill and somehow buy food as well.  I may sound ungrateful for a moment here, but I am merely venting.

I've rarely asked my parents for help.  Literally.  I moved out basically when I was a senior and since then, have struggled on my own.  The things I can say my parents have helped me with I can count on one hand.  My dad bought me my first car, as a graduation gift, but after that, I was on my own.  A couple weeks ago, I broke down and called my mom in Michigan, to tell her everything.  She has consistently helped my brother out of tight spots since he was 16, and has never held it against him.  That has continued after the many things he has put her through- failing out of college, losing a scholarship, putting my mom in thousands of dollars of debt because he just wanted to party, getting into legal trouble- the list is never-ending.  Now that he is 23, married, with three kids, I would think he'd have his shit together.  His newest addition is merely two months old.  But my mom continues to help him out constantly.  I understand, because there are kids involved.  I would never hold that against them.

However- she offered to help me out.  We are struggling badly now, and it's getting worse.  Chris's place of work decided to tell him they can't pay him for vacation until after New Year's- which he has been asking for since October.  Not only that but their sale pay scale has changed dramatically, and he is getting screwed royally.  After all the moving and bus riding and everything I did when we were going through hard times, I have zero money.  Nothing.  That is why my phone got shut off.  My mom said it wouldn't be much but she would send 40 bucks or so.  That is more than enough because, really, we just need food.  We are down to a tub of butter, three eggs, a frozen turkey, one corn dog, and a bunch of condiments.  That isn't a joke.  That is seriously what we have in the fridge.  I have one bag of spaghetti noodles left, no canned foods, nothing.  That is how bad the last month has been.

I think I've mentioned before (and not exactly proudly) that I'm on food assistance.  They cut my amount down to $100 a month, and even with all my food budgeting and planning, I cannot make it last longer than two weeks.  So the last two weeks of the cycle we are always starving.  My sister-in-law messaged me and told me my mom had sent out the package on Monday, so today was the day I figured I'd get it.  And I did.  This is where my slightly ungrateful attitude comes in.

She sent a box to me, full of stuff.  It cost her her a little more than 13 bucks to send it, and the things she sent were pretty helpful- shampoo, toothpaste, deodorant (I joked about how my last stick was about gone and I might smell bad for a while).  That was awesome because we know that stuff can get expensive.  However, we have all of that right now.  What we really needed is a little bit of money to get food.  She instead sent two bags of flavored rice, two Ziploc baggies full of cookies, a packet of guacamole mix, and cake mix and frosting.  I'm not sure what she was thinking.  I appreciate the thought, I REALLY, REALLY do (forgive me Jesus for sounding like a selfish brat), but with the 13 bucks she spent on the shipping, plus the cost of the bathroom items and food she sent...I could have planned a few dishes that would have lasted us longer than one night.  I was also really hurt that she didn't even send a letter with it.  It seemed as if she sent it, thinking, "Here, this is me helping," only to get me to stop complaining. 

So, because we don't have phones, and making a long distance call from a payphone is not an option (12 bucks for the week, remember, but that is all bus money for Chris to get to work), I can't even get a hold of her and see if there is something wrong.  It worries me.

Then my sister-in-law tells me, "Your mom has been helping us a lot lately with diapers and baby stuff because we are still unemployed."  All I can think is, they have cars.  They have phones.  They have cable.  But they can't afford diapers?  Maybe I am thinking too harshly because I don't have kids.  I know they are expensive.  I KNOW.  But they have their ENTIRE FAMILIES THERE TO HELP.  They don't pay for daycare (my mom watches my brothers two kids and her mom watches her first daughter from a previous relationship), they don't pay rent (they only pay utilities), and they still beg my mom for money.  Yet she can't help me out for the first time since I was 17.

I know, I am an adult, and I shouldn't even be talking like this.  It could be worse.  I could be homeless.  I could be living in a shopping cart.  I'm already stealing (internet, that is).  We are eating one meal a day, or just snacking on something small (I had a corn dog earlier), we stay in a lot, wear the same jeans at least three times before washing them (to save on water and detergent), and it's just- HARD! 

Not to mention, I visited my dad for Thanksgiving and they are in a bad situation, too.  They had to file for bankruptcy after he lost his business.  So I don't even have him for moral support because he tells me, "Suck it up, you're an adult and we all have hardships right now."  This is after he brags about the 52" flatscreen he just bought for his living room, and new furniture (when their old furniture wasn't even five years old, and he didn't offer to let us have it).  I'm very, very stressed and pissed off and depressed at the moment.  I didn't even get dressed or shower today.  Ugh.

Anyhow, if you read this, I'm sorry I brought you down.  Just venting, I suppose.  I'm crossing my fingers that this next week is better, and that I at least get some form of Christmas decorations, because I'm out of construction paper and only made a wreath and a few bells.

What a wonderful season.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Holiday Breather

I've been doing a "Worst Blind Date" theme this week, just for kicks.  I should have just made it worst date, because I've had a number of plain terrible dates that weren't so "blind" as well.  Today I'm taking a break, though, because I have developed a cold and my brain is a little fuzzy.  So instead, I'm making out my Christmas list.  Feel free to comment with what you want for Christmas!

Things I Want For Christmas

1.  Rent paid for on time.  :)
2.  My driver's license back!  Wouldn't that be so nice?
3.  In the event I got my driver's license back, a job to go along with it would be great.
4.  A little inside doggy pen for my rabbits, so they wouldn't be in a small cage at night.
5.  Several pairs of new underwear.  I know I'm long overdue on this.
6.  Just a tiny bit of snow in Phoenix?  :D  lol.
7.  Another rabbit.  Just for shits and giggles.
8.  A new weight loss plan that WORKS.  Ugh.
9.  New cell phone- preferably the Samsung Memoir.
10. If I can't have any of the above, I will take a nice big dinner with my family with food that is so delicious I can't stop eating it (and also doesn't add to my weight any). 

Happy Holidays!  I'm going to spend the day watching yet another marathon of Christmas movies, and making my own Christmas decorations since I can't afford any this year. 

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Maybe If I Were A Ditz

What's worse than a blind date you have absolutely nothing in common with and is not exactly what you would  A blind date that you have absolutely nothing in common with but IS hot- but then goes after your cousin while still on a date with you.

Last spring, I met a guy on MySpace.  I know, I know- silly me!  But he messaged me, and said he thought my profile was funny and that I had a cute pic (it was me, jumping on a trampoline in pjs).  I thought it was nice that a guy actually read my profile for once and didn't just message me because he saw my "sexy" profile pictures.  We ended up having an all night message-fest, and at the end of the night, he told me he didn't usually give out his number to strangers online (yeah, right) but if I wanted to give him a call sometime, I wouldn't mind. 

The next few days we just messaged each other, and I told him that I wasn't sure I would call him (I'm sort of shy on the phone), but gave him my number in case he wanted to call.  One day after work, he did call, and we had a GREAT conversation.  We talked about a lot of things we did have in common, and laughed a lot.  I think one of our phones died, and he ended up texting me saying it was probably a good thing it did die because otherwise he would have stayed on the phone all night.  He told me it was the best conversation he'd had with a girl in a long time, and I was sort of flattered.  Let me mention- in his pictures, he was REALLY cute. 

So, after another few days of talking, he finally asked if I would like to have dinner sometime.  I said I'd love to, and we made plans to meet at Applebee's.  I was really nervous but excited, and by the time I got there I was nervous as hell.  I arrived first- I consider it a good thing because I really needed a drink to calm myself.  I ordered a beer and waited patiently.  He called and said he was running a little behind but he was still coming.  Then, he arrived.  I swear when he walked through the restaurant, every woman in the place turned to watch him walk by.  Yes, he was gorgeous.  I couldn't believe my luck- FINALLY, a great looking guy that has a good personality and is interested in me for more than just my looks!  Score!

We had a great time at dinner.  He insisted on paying for everything (always a plus in my book), and after we were finished eating, he asked if I wanted to go see a movie.  I made a quick trip to the bathroom, and texted my cousin Leah in Michigan to tell her.  She said it was a good thing, because he wanted to prolong the date.  Duh.  So we went to the movies.  There was crap playing, but we watched The Bucket List and basically talked the entire time. 

At the end of the night, he gave me a kiss goodnight- it wasn't slobbery or weird- and it was very innocent.  I was very, very happy with how it went, to say the least.  He was a complete gentleman, and said he would call me soon.  I wasn't sure what it meant, but figured, hey, I got one good night, and I was happy with that.  I mean, come on- after several terrible blind dates before that, I had to call it successful, even if it was just one night.

Then, he asked to hang out again.  At his place.  And I wanted to.  So I did.  We watched a Phoenix Suns game and had a few beers, and that is when my second cousin comes into play.  I knew what she was like, and I shouldn't have brought her in at all, but I did.  And it all came crashing down after that.  Turns out, they knew each other.  The guy recognized my cousin from somewhere, and then she realized where she knew him from.  Rehab.  Perfect, right?  Yes, they were both in rehab together.  He used to be addicted to heroin, something I'm sure would have come up eventually, but hadn't yet.  I was completely in shock at that point.

At some point, he decided to look for my cousin's picture on MySpace, and found her in my pictures.  My cousin is really pretty, and skinny, and she's a ditz- something that guys are weak for, I suppose.  They started talking on MySpace and eventually, she got involved with it all.  She told him I was bipolar and had a lot of emotional issues (correct- I am bipolar, but it is UNDER CONTROL AND HAS BEEN), and scared him off.  He then said he just wanted to be my friend.  He invited me out to go putt-putt golfing, and my conniving cousin asked to join us, if it was just a friend thing.  I let her.  It was the worst night I had had in Phoenix.  He flirted with her the entire time, and she acted like such a moron I found myself rolling my eyes and laughing at her most of the time.  He didn't seem to care.  He showed her how to hold a club- we all know that drill- and I was sick most of the night.  I told him to drop me off first, and that was basically the end of it.

I learned that night that guys are mostly idiots and don't really think with their brains.  The worst part was, I wasn't even the one persuing him- he pursued me.  Ugh.  Can you top that crappy date?

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

"...But I Saw His High School Picture!"

Early 2006.  I'm 20 years old, just moved back from Ohio from a brief 3-month fling with a guy that had commitment problems (only to tell me AFTER I moved my life down there).  I was, again, on the rebound.  It was also about the time I decided to take a hiatus from commitment myself, and to just have fun.  Meaning, get drunk a lot and forget that in the last six months I had been engaged, cheated on, moved 700 miles to another state, dumped again, and back to jumping from couch to couch for a while.

My cousin Leah met a guy through some friends of ours.  A bunch of us went to a house party and our friends Jenna and Ashley said, "Hey, you should meet up with Jay, he's really cool."  I thought it was a terrible idea.  They told her he was punk rock just like her (I laugh hysterically when I read that because if anything, my cousin is the complete opposite of punk rock- she just liked to be a poser back then).  In reality, he was exactly like me.  That's another story, though.  We planned out where to meet Jay so we could all hang out.  We should have known better as soon as he said "Meet me at the gas station." 

Once we were all back at the house party, we all chilled and drank a lot of beer and it was a good time.  I found Jay to be a complete narcissist, and an asshole, to be honest.  He had absolutely nothing in common with my cousin.  I hate to say he was anything like me either, at that point, but we had a lot of the same interests, which was sad.  He blew off my cousin, who was directing her undivided attention at him, mainly because he was good-looking.  He was funny at times, but that was it.  I sat on a couch drinking my beer alone for most of the night, and Jay took the opportunity to sit next to me.  He was flirting with me, but because I had no interest, it became a game to him.  I spent the rest of the time trying to avoid him or push him to my cousin. 

I told my cousin the next day I didn't find him to be all that great and said she could do better, but she didn't care.  She decided to try to go for it with him.  And he went with it.  That was when the blind date came in.  Jay had a friend, Corey, who hadn't a relationship (with a girl) in quite a while, and he thought we would hit it off.  In the best interest of my cousin, I should have said "No."  She was so excited that he asked her to go hang out that I couldn't let her down, though.  So I gave in.  Corey called me, and like I guessed- we had nothing in common.  He was into politics.  Liked science.  LISTENED TO COUNTRY!  That should say it all.

Leah told me, "I saw his high school picture, and he looks really cute.  Maybe he's just a geek at heart."  Right.  Her idea of cute and my idea of cute are on completely different spectrums altogether, but I went.  We were supposed to meet them at the Pizza Hut a town over from us.  Pizza Hut?  Are you kidding?  Are we in high school?  I didn't complain.  At least I wasn't paying.  We arrived.  And had to wait for the guys.  And wait.  And wait.  We waited for almost an hour.  They were late.  Finally, they arrived.  And guess what?  Corey.  Was.  Not.  Cute.

We ordered.  I was less than thrilled.  Leah hardly spoke at all, and neither did Corey.  Jay and I were the ones keeping the conversation going.  Corey wanted to talk about some show he watched on TV (The Colbert Report, to be correct- sorry if you're a fan, but I am not).  Jay and I talked about music.  Leah kept her mouth shut.  At some point we all left, and Corey said we could all hang out at his house because his parents were gone.  You live with your parents?  I guess I shouldn't have been surprised.  But yes, he lived with his parents, in their basement, of all places.  Oh boy.

We went back to his house, and after a few beers were in me, I was able to completely forget I was supposed to be on a date with this dud.  I know I intimidated him.  I have a personality that sometimes overwhelms people, especially shy beings.  He had no interest after that to talk much at all.  Jay brought out his guitar and played us some songs, then taught me a song.  "Photograph" by Nickelback.  He was so surprised I could play the guitar he wanted to keep teaching me new songs, totally leaving my cousin in the cold, and Corey, too. 

So the end of the night comes, and we are too drunk to drive, so they tell us we can stay there.  There are two couches in the basement, and then Corey's bed on the other side of a wall.  Leah actually had the NERVE to suggest I go sleep with Corey, and she and Jay could sleep on the pull-out couch.  I didn't do it.  I didn't want to put a damper on her night (even though I'm pretty sure Jay had absolutely no interest at that point), but I wasn't going to sleep next to some dude I didn't know nor even really like just so she could be heartbroken the next day when Jay told her he didn't see her like that, AFTER fooling around.  I promptly fell asleep on the couch across from them.

Corey and I didn't speak again.  He told Jay that he didn't find me that interesting.  Jay said I was a riot.  ...It was the last time we all hung out.  Leah wound up heartbroken when Jay told her a couple weeks later, "You just aren't my type."  And that was the second blind date I went on.  At least that one didn't end with a slobbery kiss.

Monday, November 30, 2009

The "Not Quite Honest" Blind Date

It was my junior year of high school.  I was single and enjoying it, because I'd spent almost three years in a relationship with guys that treated me terribly.  My two best friends at the time agreed I should try to meet new people.  So I did.  I don't remember how, but I know it was through a friend of a friend of a future boyfriend's bandmate's girlfriend.  Is that confusing enough for you?

His name was Kenny.  Kenny and his friend Rod were both 19, lived in the city 30 minutes from me, and asked if I wanted to go out to dinner and watch a movie with them.  I agreed, as long as my best girl friend at the time, Sami, could go.  You know, for safety's sake (or just because if he was ugly, she could block the goodnight kiss scene).  I saw one picture on Kenny, and as far as I could tell, he wasn't bad looking at all, and he seemed pretty sweet.  ...Believe me, it was far from the truth.

Sami and I had him pick us up from her mom's house.  I was afraid of my own mother's reaction and Sami's mom was always like a second mom to me, except cooler.  She wouldn't embarrass me like my own mother would.  I stayed in the upstairs bathroom, getting ready and trying not to throw up, until the doorbell rang.  I made Sami answer it.  She came upstairs to get me, and the look on her face told me everything.

Kenny didn't look anything like the picture I saw.  He was about four feet tall and had a shaved head, something I couldn't stand at the time.  He wore big glasses and was the billboard picture of nerdy.  I couldn't believe it.  How did I get talked into this?!

I didn't want to go, but couldn't be rude, so I went anyway.  We met up with his friend Rod at the mall.  Guess what?  The picture I had been sent was of him.  And he was completely gorgeous.  It was totally unfair.  I didn't want to have to spend one minute sitting next to poor Kenny (who wasn't a bad guy, I was just shallow) by myself, whether in a theater or at his house, so we hung around the mall.  At one point, Sami and I were in the FYE store, and a few of our friends from another school were there, making us laugh so hard I almost wet myself.  I had to run to the bathroom, where she followed me.  The terrible thing was, the reason we were laughing so hard was because they were making fun of my date.  I know, stupid high school girls.

At the end of the night, I made a comment about the picture before we left the mall, and Rod laughed.  It had been him the whole time that I was talking to, and he was just a complete asshole.  He didn't plan for us to actually go through with the date.  My friend Mindy, who lived next door to him and was the one to set us up, apologized later for it. 

It started getting nasty out because of a snow storm, and Sami begged to be dropped off first.  I was so, so mad at her for it, because I didn't want to be alone with him at all, let alone when we had to go half the speed limit because of the storm.  The whole ride back to my house Kenny kept trying to hold my hand.  I couldn't help being weirded out.  Then- the worst happened.

Once we were in my driveway, he offered to walk me to the door, and I turned him down, saying my parents were probably in bed and I didn't want them to wake up.  He insisted, and followed me.  Across the yard.  To the stairs.  Up the stairs.  To my door.  And it was there, that I had the worst kiss of my life.

At this point, I'd kissed a handful of guys.  None had compared to the nastiness of this one.  It was slobbery, and wet, and seriously, the term 'tonsil hockey' was exactly appropriate for what he was doing.  I swear he really wanted to shove his tongue down my throat.  I almost cried when I finally ran inside, slamming the door on him.  ...It doesn't end there.

He was so sure our date went great that he called me all the next day.  About a hundred times.  I told him it was my little brother's birthday (never mind that my brother's birthday is in April and it is now February) and we were going bowling.  He had the nerve to ask to join us.  I said no.  Then promptly told everyone in my house that if "Kenny" called, they were not to tell him I was home.  I forgot to mention Rod, and soon enough, Rod was calling, laughing hysterically.  I just kept hanging up.

I should have learned from my first experience, but I didn't.  I went on several blind dates after that, and let me warn you, none of them were good.  From that point forward, I was jinxed.  Hope you're ready to read more this week!

Thoughts of the Day

I was having flashbacks the other day about my blind date experiences when I first moved here.  I don't know what brought them on, but on in particular came to mind.  I went to a concert and the guy was supposed to meet up with me at the show, but never showed up.  So I wound up watching The Used alone, which didn't bother me too much, because a few other guys bought me drinks.  However afterwards, I almost got stranded because I had no ride home.  The guy showed up though, and I was stupid enough to take a ride home.  He dropped me off and apologized profusely about his meetings running late (slightly believable because he was in a suit), but I just shrugged.  I told him I had to work early so I couldn't stay out any later, but said we could hang out some other time.  He texted me a couple days later, and asked if he could just pick me up and we could go to the park or something to chill.  Then it progressed to hinting at getting it on because it had been so long.  ...Um, no, sorry.  After I said I didn't think so, he decided to be a complete immature moron and say that he didn't like "thick" girls, anyway, and that I was fugly.  OKAY!  LMAO.  ...Anyhow.  Onto better things.

We moved this past weekend into our new, smaller apartment.  It was interesting.  I prefer the smaller one because the kitchen is HUGE- but I don't have the spare bedroom to put all of my crap in, so I have no idea what I'm going to do with all of my books.  Chris told me to go to a resale shop, but I told him, "NO!"  My books are like my babies.  I did give away about half of my paperbacks last fall, and I thought that was enough.  However, Chris was pissed yesterday because when he moved one of the boxes, the bottom completely fell out and most of my paperbacks came flooding out.  ...Oops. 

But- I HAVE MY WIRELESS BACK!!  :)  I'm so excited.  It's so much better using my own computer to write blogs, from the comfort of my couch, or bed, or kitchen counter.  :-P

This was just a quickie update, as I'm going to be starting a new theme this week.  I'm doing a new topic every week, and my topic this week will be- Blind Dating.  Oooh, exciting, right?  I know.  I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving, and Cooper says thanks for all the great comments.  :)  He recommends getting at least two bunnies to keep the blues away.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Cooper Under Cover

Cooper decided to investigate the spare bedroom. Unfortunately, he isn't very sneaky.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Giving Thanks

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, as we all know, and it's that time of year we actually look forward to spending time with our families.  Or not.  Whatever the case may be, most of us are asked what we are thankful for, and this year, I've decided to make my thankful list a day early.  Mainly because I will be moving all of tomorrow night after eating a huge turkey dinner and probably will not be able to move even my fingers to type it out. 

I am thankful I am back in Arizona, even as lonely as it can be without my closest family around.  Colorado would have been a worse place to be, and I'm glad I'm here.

I'm thankful for Chris, and how great he has been to me and our relationship.  I'm grateful he has decided to choose this as his time to grow up and start his real life.

I'm thankful for my good friends, most of them in Michigan, for always being supportive and leaving me pictures of rabbits and hilarious comment on my Facebook, when I desperately need to be cheered up.

I'm thankful for my mom, despite being insane.  She has done her best to help me and I can't ask for more.

I'm thankful my dad finally decided to talk to me again, and I'm happy I will be spending Thanksgiving with him and my stepmom, even if it means being around two of her bratty second cousins. 

I'm thankful for Cooper and Beauty, who make me laugh and smile everyday.  I love my kids.

I'm extremely thankful for all of the readers and friends I've found here.  Without your advice and support, I might have lost my marbles the last few months.  Thankfully most of them are still rolling around in my head and despite being a bit loose at times, I'm able to make the right decisions for myself.

And, last but not least, I'm thankful for the the case of beer I'm purchasing tonight, so Chris and I can start our move across the apartment complex to our new place.  Without you, Bud Light, I don't know how we would be able to accomplish this in a short amount of time, with just the two of us.  Thank you.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!  Have a great day and enjoy the food!  I'm looking forward to the sweet potatoes the most!

Monday, November 23, 2009

The Addiction

Although this is slightly irrelevant from most of the topics I've discussed here, I've decided to talk about it, anyway.  My life has been consumed by it lately, because despite my efforts in job hunting and trying to find a life again, neither has happened quite yet.  Plus I'm completely enthralled in reading The Twilight Saga again (I'm in the middle of Eclipse, currently) and also trying to go see New Moon again this week.  However- onto the subject.

I am on Facebook.  I keep in contact mainly with people I know in person and my family through this networking site.  When I first joined I had no interest, really.  Most of my college friends told me to join, and I did.  Now though, I find myself logging on everyday, several times, and often spending more than an hour at a time on it.  And not just for networking.  I'm addicted to Farmville.

Yes, you read that right.  Farmville.  It is an application on Facebook that allows you to create your own farm, grow crops, and raise animals.  I never thought in a million years I would join such a game, but it has come to this.  I'm obsessed (may be too strong of a word but it seems suitable currently) with getting to a higher level, more neighbors, and the nicest farm of them all!  Not only that, but I've gotten Chris addicted, too, which has us fighting for time on the computer since we still haven't bought another wireless router for my laptop.  It is quite pathetic.

Today I found myself accepting friend requests based solely on the purpose of getting more neighbors.  Shirley and Ron are fellow addicts, and don't care that I live in Arizona, while they reside in New Jersey.  None of us cares that we've never spoken or met, which was my restriction for adding friends on Facebook- I need to know you.  That has gone out the window.

I may have to start my own FAA- Farmville Addicts Anonymous- just so I can get help once it has completely taken over my life.  For now, I must end this blog because I have to go harvest my Ghost Chilies before they wither. 

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Coming Home

...I'm back in Phoenix.  I arrived here Sunday night, after a weekend that was way too long and dramatic for my own taste.  I expect a little confrontation once in a while- that is life.  However, Friday night was ridiculous, and it ended my experience in Colorado swiftly. 

Alisha decided she wanted to go out Friday night, because we had been stuck in her apartment all week.  Her brother offered to be our DD so we could go out and have some fun, and she figured M would probably want to stay home, like he did usually.  Wrong.  He convinced her to pick him up first, from work, then he would go with us.  Right off the bat, he got in the car and started saying how he was too tired and he would take us Saturday night.  Alisha told him that if he was too tired he should just drive home and her brother would use his car.  He said no, and proceeded to come with us, but was a complete jerk the entire time.  He made snide comments to both of us (we had a few drinks before leaving, to save us some money at the bar) and kept repeating how he couldn't believe we were drinking already- it was after ten. 

Once at the bar, he stayed out of our hair for a little while.  Alisha and I had fun talking and laughing, and we took silly pictures and it was good.  Then we left and decided to go to a dance club down the way.  I haven't been dancing in forever and was all in.  That was when all of the drama started.

We were all sitting at the bar, waiting for our drinks (I limited myself to six drinks that night- and it was quite enough), when M turned to me and said, "You should just go kill yourself."  Out of nowhere.  I hadn't said anything to him all night, barely even looked at him, and he said this.  I rolled my eyes at him, got my drink, and dragged Alisha out onto the floor.  She was completely hammered, so there was no point in telling her anything.  She wasn't going to remember. 

After that it was all downhill.  He repeatedly tried to start fights on the dance floor with guys that were dancing around us, even though I made sure they left her alone.  If he would have just danced with her it wouldn't have been a problem, but hello- two cute girls on the floor alone?  Of course guys are going to try to dance with us!  He made it into a big deal, and a bouncer eventually had to drag M off of the floor.  The night was already ruined, though. 

At two, the club shut down and we left, and I stayed next to Alisha's brother B the whole time, behind her and M so I wouldn't have to listen to him.  I tried to stay in a good mood, and just talked to B, but once we started towards the car, it was very apparent that M had it out for me.  He started calling me a slut, and saying that I was just a fat bitch, and a bunch of other things I couldn't believe he had the nerve to say in public, with a bunch of people around.  Alisha started walking really fast to get away from him, and I ran to catch up with her, but M grabbed my arm and flung me backwards onto the sidewalk.

Yep, he had the nerve to do that.  He then grabbed Alisha and dragged her across the road, on her knees, because she had fallen off the sidewalk when he jerked her arm.  He was out of line and out of control.  I ended up calling the police, and because poor B didn't want to be in the middle, he actually drove off with them in the car, instead of waiting for the police.  Therefore, I was left in downtown Denver in the freezing cold for almost two hours, while the police tried to track them down to arrest M for assault, and I had Chris texting and calling me, freaking out.  For some reason, unknown to me, the police couldn't find the car, even though B stayed in Denver, because he wasn't going to leave me.  So they didn't get to talk to any of us while we were there.

Chris was pissed and called the police on his own.  He gave them their address, and when we arrived at the apartment an hour later (4 AM), they were waiting.  I jumped out of the car and met them as they were walking down the stairs from the apartment.  I told them everything that happened, and the other three stayed in the car. 

Alisha denied that he did anything to either of us.  B told them he didn't want to be involved and that M was very drunk and didn't know what he was doing.  I didn't care.  Eventually, because no one other than myself would say anything, the police left, after giving M a warning.  Like that was going to do anything.  Five minutes after they left, I was in my room, door locked, and guess what?  He was banging away on it, threatening to kill me and calling me every name in the book.  I hadn't done a thing to him all night.  I didn't say one word.  I ended up calling the police, again, and it turns out they didn't believe anyone else so they had stayed in the vicinity.  They showed up five minutes later, while M was still yelling at screaming, and the operator heard everything as well, because she told me to stay on the phone with her until they got there.  Because the police couldn't see any marks on me (um, hello, it takes longer than an hour for bruises to appear), they couldn't arrest him, but they told him to leave the premises for the night. 

Chris bought my bus ticket home, and the next day Alisha drove me back to Denver to leave.  She didn't say anything about the night before, and I know she was upset and confused about everything, but she acted so distant from me, like it was my fault for what happened, that I couldn't help but be mad at her.  I didn't have anything to say.  My arm hurt, my tailbone hurt, and I was tired and stressed out, and couldn't wait to leave.  Before we left the apartment, M came back and started the yelling and name calling all over again, for no reason, and this time there wasn't the excuse of "he's just drunk". 

I got home Sunday night at about 8, and Chris has been...wonderful.  Literally.  He has been nothing but sweet and funny, and I know it is still too early to tell, but things seem different.  We are moving into a different apartment in two weeks, and have started packing the small stuff up so we can do so quickly.  He got a promotion at work, and a raise, so he doesn't seem so stressed out.  I don't know- maybe the 11 days I was gone wasn't enough to change him, but I think it was enough to make him realize a few things. 

Alisha's mom called me Sunday night to ask me what the deal with.  I've always liked her- she was a second mom to me when we all lived in Michigan.  She knew there was bullshit in the stories everyone else was telling, and wanted me to tell her everything.  And I did.  I feel bad because Alisha didn't want her mom to know everything, because she doesn't feel like it's her mom's business, but- IT IS.  She is her MOTHER, and she has every right to know what M is doing to her.  I guess her mom knows the problem, though, because something happened on a camping trip last summer and M ended up dragging Alisha out of their camper by her hair, and her mom stepped up and threatened to kill him.  Since then, M and Alisha don't visit her parents, which is sad, because they are nothing but supportive. 

Anyhow, she asked me to take pictures of the bruises (which now cover almost my entire right upper arm and lower back) and she wants me to send them to her.  I could press charges, and it would be enough for M to be sent away for a bit.  I didn't want to do it at first- Alisha is so adamnent about not wanting to get him in trouble.  But if this is the only way for him to get help, I will do it.  I can't even begin to describe how it made me feel that whole time, either.  She is so blind she cannot see what it is doing to her family, and now her friends.  When it starts to have an effect on other people, it becomes a bigger problem than just a little fighting at home.

I don't know what I'm going to do, yet.  Right now I'm trying to catch up on sleep and get over the emotional wear and tear the 10 days there did to me.  I'm just hoping that I'll just know what to do when the right thing hits me. 

Tuesday, November 10, 2009


After an exhausting day of walking, talking, and cheering at a hockey game, I am finally home, and ready to sleep.  Alisha had the day off from work, so we decided to go to her brother's hockey game tonight, and it was quite exciting.  I haven't been to a hockey game in a long time, and forgot how fun they are.  But, onto the second part of my previous post.

As I told you yesterday, there are difficulties within the marriage of my friend Alisha and her husband, M. They have been married almost four years, and the last two years have been a struggle because he as terrible PTSD from being in the war in Iraq.  He has refused therapy, and also started drinking heavily.  It is not only sad, but extremely frightening for her.  Unfortunately, I didn't learn the entire situation until I was already here, and far from a home I could go to. 

After their fight last night, M passed out and Alisha slept on the couch.  We had discussed what she wanted to do, but was afraid she wouldn't have the guts to leave him.  I knew even before we had the talk that I would not be staying any longer than I would have to, because I will not put myself in the middle of a dangerous situation.  However, during our talk, I offered her to come with me.  I'm going to steer away from this topic for a moment to tie in the second part.

Chris and I haven't spoken a whole lot since I left.  We've texted a little, but most of it has been unimportant and nothing to do with us.  A few nights ago, though, he told me that I could believe it or not, but he did miss me, and love me.  Of course, I already knew he loved me.  That was never the problem.  The problem was how immature he was acting and hurting our relationship by neglecting me and my feelings.  It was a struggle for a over a month before he decided to end it because I was too much to deal with when all he wanted to do was have fun and be with so-called friends instead of being respectful to me.  I took it as it was, even if it was hard, and came out here.  It has been rough for me.  I miss him terribly, and it's been hard not to tell him that everyday, and dwell on it myself. 

After he told me that he missed me and loved me, he said the same thing he has been saying: "I just need time to myself to gather my thoughts."  Instead of just telling me he needed a little space, he ended it, and let me move a thousand miles away.  Apparently this isn't what he wanted, but he didn't want to tell me he didn't want me to move, because it was my decision and he didn't know how long it would take him to get his shit together.  We started talking about what we wanted through text, and suddenly, he tells me that he loves me and he just wants to start over with me, and rebuild what we had.  And I asked, "What has suddenly changed?"  He answers, "Not really anything.  As I said it's not you, it's me.  I just need to get over the fact that life needs to move on."  Meaning, from what he is doing right now.  He then tells me that he wants to stay in Phoenix, but he doesn't want to live in an apartment (which has been one of my big arguments with him about why I don't want to live there) forever, and that he wants a life.  He says if once the lease is up on our apartment, and I still want to leave, that we can leave together.  He added something else to the whole speech but it's a little too out there to say here, but it started with, "I know I want to be with you," then something about until certain body parts of mine are no longer where they are supposed to be.  Ha ha. 

...It is a lot for me to take it.  After all, it wasn't long ago he was telling me he just didn't feel the same anymore and all this other crap.  Apparently he didn't know what he wanted and now he misses me and realizes that I wasn't so out of line to ask certain things from him.  I made a comment about how he is still young and needs to get it out of his system but he retaliated with, "I know I'm young but it doesn't mean I don't love you and realize what I want."  Which, is probably half true.  I know what everyone is thinking- DON'T DO IT!  ...I thought it, too.  Don't fall for it.  Don't go back so easily.  Don't let him manipulate you. 

I know, I know, I know.  The thing is- although I am defensive about it and want to disprove anyone who says he just doesn't want to be alone now, I know Chris well enough to know when he is being sincere or just being selfish.  He told me he didn't want me to come home if I didn't want to, or if I didn't think it would work.  He said he wasn't going to ask me to move back, just to think about it.  And he was okay when I told him that maybe after the holidays, we could talk about it. 

Then, came this whole thing with Alisha and M.  Since Chris is really the only person I have had close to me in a long time, I told him about the situation and he immediately said, "Then bring her down here with you.  She can stay here."  He doesn't want me living in this situation, and he thinks that it would be a good idea to get her out of here.  I really couldn't believe he was saying anything of the sort since we both agreed we would not have another roommate again, after his brother.  He was sincere about it, though.

Alisha has decided not to leave.  She told me today she thought about it all night and also most of the day, but she feels she cannot abandon M when he needs her most, even though it puts her in dangerous situations.  It both irritates and frustrates me to no end, but I see her side of it.  This is a man she promised to love forever, through thick and thin, through good and bad times.  I suppose she thinks she owes it to him to take care of him and help him as much as she can.  After the very dramatic night last night, he called her every five minutes today, though, and was very clingy.  I know these signs- he knows he screwed up and wants to make sure she isn't going to leave him.  We were with her mom at the hockey game, and she even said that he can't do anything without her and she has to be home every minute with him or else he flips out.  All in all, it is a very unhealthy relationship in my eyes.  It is not my place to tell her what to do, though, and if she wants to stay, that is her choice.

We both have a lot on our plates right now, and it's been emotionally tiring.  I feel like a million pounds of bricks were dropped on me in the last 24 hours and it is only going to get worse before it gets better.  Should I go back to Chris?  Will she leave M?  Are we going to put number one first? 

All questions that will have to be answered, and better sooner than later.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Being The Savior, Not The Saved

As many of you know, I have recently made the trip to Colorado to get away from Phoenix and start again.  This was a good idea when it first came up, since my situation there was terrible.  My ex Chris decided to leave me with no notice because he decided he wanted to hang out with bad influences and party to his life's content, instead of answering to a worried girlfriend at home.  This broke my heart completely but a friend decided to try to help me out the best she could, because she knows how bad it is to be in a situation such as the one I was in. 

I made the 22 hour journey to Denver, CO, where I was met with cold weather and clouds in the sky, neither of which is very frequent in Phoenix.  She dropped me and my stuff off, I promptly took a long ass nap (it is very hard to sleep on those terrible buses!), and then, set out to look for jobs.  My first night here was good.  I got to hang out with her for the first time in four years, I met her husband, and she showed me around town a bit.  Not much to it, honestly.  Greeley is pretty small, easy to navigate, and the people are pretty friendly.  I was sure it would be a great place for me to be.

Unfortunately, the problem isn't the town.  The problem lies within the walls of the apartment I have moved into.  My friend, Alisha, had mentioned to me several times how she was alone a lot and her husband is kind of whacky and they're having some problems within their marriage.  He told her it would be nice for her to have a friend down here and he didn't mind me staying here.  I took that as, he's a nice guy and cares for his wife.  I've met the guy once.  We'll call him, M.  The first time I met M was when I was working in a convenience store and they happened to be visiting Michigan.  This was back in 2007.  He was very quiet, didn't shake my hand, and just nodded at me, even though I was acting ecstatic to finally meet my best friend's husband.  Even after just one meeting, I knew I didn't like him.  Call me judgemental, but I didn't.  So when I arrived here, I already had my first impression in my head, and you know how hard it is to change that once it's there.  M didn't even say hi to me when we picked him up from his job.  He was completely quiet and said hardly three words to me.  The rest of the weekend was much the same- except I got to experience him while he is, in one word, wasted.

I used to think that when I got drunk I could get out of hand at times, and definitely step out of line.  Compared to him, though, I am a saint.  As soon as Friday night hit, it was nonstop fighting.  About nothing.  Then, I got to see why Alisha is having such a hard time with him.  M is violent.  Not necessarily towards her, but towards the apartment, their dog, his things.  I'm not exaggerating when I tell you this: he is nuts.  I tried to tell myself that he was just drunk, but now, I know better.

M is a retired Marine.  He has PTD (post-traumatic disorder) and has nightmares and rages he cannot control.  He is also a person that refuses to get help.  For the past two years Alisha has dealt with his anger and bouts of depression.  He wakes up in the middle of the night thrashing around, then wakes up sobbing because he can't save one of his friends.  It is quite sad when you think about it.  He risked his life to fight in a war that he doesn't believe in, and now he is suffering for it.  However, instead of trying to get help, he is making his wife suffer as well.

He runs into doors on purpose.  The door to my bedroom has two holes in it.  There is a poster on my wall that covers a giant hole.  The bathroom door doesn't shut properly because he rammed his head into it.  There are giant white plaster marks all over the living room from where he has thrown various objects and himself into the walls.  The closet doors in their room and the pantry are completely ruined because he has decided to run into them.  Their dog, a 130 pound bull mastif, is completely terrified of him because M has thrown him around and also choked him.  Alisha finally admitted the reason she is wearing a foot immobilizer is because he threw her across the living room and bones in her foot with dislocated.  She may need surgery to correct it if this shoe she is wearing now doesn't fix it.

She has lied to her doctor and her family about the situation.  She lied to me, and has brought me into the situation.  I cannot pretend to even like this guy because I know what is going on.  He got in my face tonight and started questioning me.  Thankfully, I am able to look people right in the eye when I talk to them and not show fear.  He asked some questions and I had quick smart ass answers, and he said he liked that, but then later he stated, "You don't like me, I know it."  What was I supposed to say?  I replied with, "I don't even know you well enough yet to know whether I do or not."  And just shrugged.

I guess this is not my business.  But I will not live here, in the midst of all of this and just keep my mouth shut.  When he gets physical, I will not hide in my room until it stops.  I will be calling the police, something she refuses to do because he will get in deep trouble, due to the fact that he is a Marine.  I guess he would actually go to prison for it because, as she put it, he is a "trained and dangerous weapon of the military."  I suppose that would cause a problem.

I do not know how to save this girl.  It is not even my responsibility, but I sat her down tonight and told her, "I won't live here while this happens.  I cannot watch this and not do anything.  It is your choice to stay, but I will be leaving as soon as I can."  I wasn't trying to be ungrateful by any means, and she understood that.  I'm guessing she didn't realize how bad it is because she started crying and confessed she didn't even think this was a bad night for him.  I couldn't believe that.  This was after the dog came into my room, scared, and laid beside me on the bed for a while.  I knew they were fighting, but I didn't realize it was because he had done something to the dog.  M walked by the room and saw the dog in here, and then grabbed the door handle, and repeatedly slammed the door several times very hard, scaring the dog even more.  I couldn't believe it.  He did it in front of me, in the room that I am staying in!  That's when I told her how I felt.

She said she doesn't see it like everyone else because she lives inside the box.  Everyone else can see better because they are outside.  I don't know if that's how I would explain it.  I would probably say, she has her head in the sand and is afraid to pull it out and face the truth.  This guy is abusive and could possibly severely hurt her- or worse, kill her. 

After a very long talk and cry (her, not me), she decided that she wants to leave.  There's a whole other part to the story, but I'll save it for later.  I'm just wondering what other people would do in this situation.  Stick by their friend through it, or pull out and leave it to them?  I can't see myself abandoning her, but I don't want to be in the middle of this, where I could put myself in danger.  I know a lot of people that have kept their nose out of bad situations because they didn't want to be involved, but later learned had they said something, the turn out would have been different.

And I thought life in Phoenix was tough...

Sunday, November 8, 2009


The last few days have been rough on me.  It is sad to sleep alone in a big bed, it brings me down to watch my friend and her husband together, I am sad to have no one to kiss.  This has hit me a lot harder than I thought it would.  I figured that I would be a little bit sad, but so distracted by my new surroundings that I wouldn't have much time to think about how badly my heart hurts.  It turns out I was wrong.

Every time I log onto Facebook, one of my friends is engaged, planning a wedding, or having kids- maybe all three in a week.  This makes it worse, as I feel like I'm the last of the single ones.  I know that a lot of women my age prefer to be single, and at times when I was with Chris I sort of wished I was, but I definitely don't prefer it.  I dislike not having anyone to wind down with at the end of the day, I miss making dinner for someone I love, and I definitely am not fond of sleeping alone.  I realize that although I was not in a good position back in Phoenix with Chris, at least I had a partner. 

On Friday night we texted most of the night. I was drinking with Alisha and her husband and brother, and Chris told me that if I feel like I'm not going to make it here that I should come back because he loves me and doesn't want me to feel like I'm not loved.  He just needs time to himself.  I'm not saying that I am going back, I'm just pointing out that he does love me and doesn't like to see me hurt.  I know this much.  He's never been a fan of fighting and the last month and a half has been the worst in our relationship.  Every time before this that we argued, it ended with us making up and him telling me that just because we fight it doesn't mean he doesn't want to be with me, or that he loves me any less. 

I told him that I'm not going back to a city where I don't have friends.  Where every person we hang out with isn't interested in friendship, but just getting drunk or high.  Mind you, I don't do drugs.  But, he is known to smoke a little bit, and so do all his friends.  That's the only thing most of them have in common.  I told him that I don't think any of his friends are true friends, because if he stopped smoking, none of them would come around anymore.  And if he needed help doing something, they would have some excuse as to why they can't help.  He doesn't believe that, and it is sad.  He thinks these people that come over just to get "messed up" are his real friends and that he can depend on them.  What about the months that they disappeared off the radar because they had better things to do and found new friends to go and hang out with? 

It makes me sick and sad.  I told him last night that I see where his loyalty is, and it is not with me, and that I will not be texting nor calling him anymore.  I will leave it up to him.  I don't wish to speak to him when he is constantly distracted or doing something more exciting than talking to me.  He told me that he wants to talk to me and that he likes talking to me, but I suppose if that were true, he would make more of an effort to make the first contact.  He texted me yesterday morning to say good morning, but that was it.  The rest of the time I had to initiate the conversation or else I didn't hear from him.

I don't know how long this is going to take for me to get over.  The more I think about how much I want to just forget about him the more I realize that I did love him more than I thought.  I never realized how much I cared about him, or how much he meant to me until I no longer had him.  And it isn't even as if I ever abandoned him or didn't give him enough attention.  I guess I just never took time to appreciate him fully when he was there for me.

Tomorrow I am job hunting again.  I am not sure how that will go, as the more I see of Greeley the more I realize there is really nothing here.  It would be a different story if I had a vehicle, but depending on someone to get me to work and pick me up isn't what I wanted to do.  Alisha thought the bus system here ran everywhere, but it doesn't even come close to her apartment, so I'd have to walk about a mile and a half to get to the first stop.  And let's face it- I'm not walking that far once winter really hits.  It is already 40 degrees at night and I can barely handle it.  I'm ashamed to admit it but I have officially been converted to a Phoenician and I dislike the cold more than I ever have, and have a low tolerance for it.  I guess we'll see what happens.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

In The Rockies

Well, not the valley of the Rockies, is more like it.

I will never, ever, EVER again in my life take a Greyhound bus.  I'm telling you what, the 22 hours I spent on two different buses was enough to tell me that even if I don't like flying that much, it is the way better option.  Totally.  It was loud, people were rude, it smelled funny, and at night, it was impossible to sleep.  That could have been just because the second bus was the oldest Greyhound I'd ever seen.  It still doesn't explain why they felt the need to keep a bus that vibrates so badly that when you lay your head back, your teeth chatter.

I arrived this morning at 6 AM, after an exhausting night of hardly any sleep and also, no sleep the night before.  I caught a few hours of sleep from Phoenix to Albuquerque but not much, due to the cramped space.  I am a person who likes to spread out, and it wasn't possible because I had a seat mate, and he was holding a 6 month old for quite a bit of that time.  He was really nice, though, and so was his wife.  She was reading Twilight, which was odd because I was reading New Moon.  :)  I made friends, yay!  But, we never exchanged names.  I know, 7 hours on a bus with two people and we never told our names.  Oh well.

First thing I did when I stepped off the bus in Denver was sneeze my brains out.  I'm not sure why this is, but it was like insta-flu.  Then I remembered that my friend here, Alisha, also has a cat.  Cats and I don't get along.  They practically kill me.  She said that her cat is mostly an outdoor cat, but their dander gets on everything no matter how much they're inside.  Right now I'm not sure if it's because I'm over tired and stressed that I'm sick, or if it's the cat.  I suppose I'll find out tomorrow morning when I wake up.  If I have snot running down my face I'll know it's the cat; if I don't, it was just because my immune system was slacking.

So anywho, I will be job hunting tomorrow and also going through an online orientation for college.  Yep, I'm enrolling in school again.  I'm going into psychology for an Associate's Degree.  I think it will help with my writing career, and plus, I'll be able to get a decent job (not great paying or anything) being a counselor or what not once I finish it.  I've always been interested in the way minds work, anyway, so I think it will be fun no matter what.  It'll be way better than the business management degree I was studying for.  Hardly any math!  WOO HOO!

Now that I have access to my laptop and my computer, though, I'll have oh-so-much more time to read everyone's blogs again!  YAY!  I'm actually excited because I've missed laying in bed at night catching up with everyone.  :)  I'm not starting tonight though, as I'm so completely drained of energy I just drooled on the keyboard. 

I'm officially a resident of Colorado. 

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

A palm tree. Something I won't see once I leave the desert behind. Instead, I'll be up to my neck in snow. Hello, soggy socks!

Monday, November 2, 2009

Dag Nabbit

Okay, okay, I'm STILL NOT IN COLORADO!  >:(  GRRR!  But it seems like things keep holding me back here for  reason, because I got a lot accomplished in the weeks that I've been waiting.  But it is definitely happening Wednesday, because I got my ticket. 

Basically, the last week has flown by.  It hasn't been a hard week or anything, either.  I'm glad for that.  Chris and I have been getting along well still and he even took me to the fair on Halloween.  It was pretty fun.  Our friend came along with us, then we drank some later that night and watched scary movies.  Basically the plan is going completely astray from what was originally decided.  My friend was supposed to be driving down here, stay a weekend, then we were driving back.  Instead, I'm taking a Greyhound there, then coming back Thanksgiving weekend with her to pick up the rest of my crap, staying the weekend, and then driving back to Colorado.  I know, confusing and a lot of driving.  However, I'd rather do it this way than spend another two weeks waiting for her to get time off again.  Plus...Chris actually told me he would like it if I came here for Thanksgiving.  I know, I know.  Bad idea.  I'm just hoping we stay on good terms and can be friends.

I apologize again for not keeping up with everyone.  It's hard to do so due to the lack of internet access.  It makes me feel guilty because I know a lot of you read and comment every time I blog but never get one in return.  Rest assured, I will be back to normal scheduling soon.  Hopefully.  I actually got a promising job offer (nanny position) so I'm crossing my fingers that will work out when I get there.

In other news- I just read Stephanie's blog and SHE FOUND AN AGENT!  How fricken awesome is that?!?!  I'm jealous as hell, but she deserves it so much!  I'm excited for her.  :)  So if you get a chance, swing by her blog and tell her congrats!

Cooper and Beauty will be living with Chris for the next couple weeks, and when I come back they will make the 13 hour journey back with us.  I'm hoping they take it okay.  They will basically be locked in my bedroom though, because my friend has a dog and I'm not sure how that would work out.  I'm going to be investing in a dog pen and tossing their cage as well, so they won't be locked in all the time.  I feel terrible having to take them away from this environment, but there's not much else I can do. 

So, that's my update for now.  I will try to get back to reading all of my subscriptions soon.  Seems like I would have a lot of time on my hands when I'm not working, but I've been busy as hell.  Stay with me and I promise you'll enjoy my coming blogs- I'm sure my adventures in a small Colorado town are going to be worth the wait!

Monday, October 26, 2009

A Beer A Day...

I hate not being able to use my laptop.  I lot.  I'll leave it at that.

So, this weekend wasn't as bad as I thought, but it wasn't the good weekend I wanted.  I didn't get to leave because a few things went astray in the plans, but I'll be in Colorado Halloween night.  I doubt we'll be doing anything after my friends spend 26 hours on the road and I am emotionally and mentally worn out, but we'll see when we get there.

Chris has been unusually nice to me.  This isn't a bad thing, but it does make me wonder how he feels about everything.  You see, a man doesn't like to discuss his feelings.  Most of the time, they can go years without expressing any sort of feeling they have, unless it's anger at not being able to watch a football game on Sunday afternoon.  Chris is good at being mad and he's good at being annoyed.  As far as I can tell, he isn't good at being sad nor disappointed nor anxious.  I'm good at everything, but that's because I'm a woman. 

I hate overdoing the, "I just want to know what is wrong," statement.  I hate asking, period, but I want to know.  How come he was a complete ass for a month and couldn't tell me what was wrong?  Why was it so hard to say, "I just need some space"?  I would have no problem saying that.  I have never had a problem with it.  As a matter of fact, I would have definitely preferred hearing that instead of him telling me to just leave him alone and he won't be home at all for the weekend, making me wonder what I did wrong and what was he doing that he didn't want me to know about.  It's all just ridiculous.

The cure to a man's daily problems is a beer at night.  Drink a beer, watch some TV, and go to bed.  Seems to help them relax and just forget the day.  I wish it were that easy for me.  "A beer a day keeps the problems at bay."  ...

I drank this weekend.  Not a lot.  I know better.  I even had a discussion with someone about it.  If I've had a rough day, but have no qualms with a person, sure, I can drink and be fine.  But if I am upset or sad or annoyed, you can bet the alcohol will bring it out.  So I don't have the choice of just coming home and drinking a beer.  I watched Chris do it and was jealous.  It has a lot to do with the fact that I'm also bipolar, but in general, I've learned many, many people have the same problem with drinking.  It's ridiculous.  And not just women- my dad has been known to burst into tears when he is a little tipsy.

Chris is lucky.  If he can mute his emotions by drinking a beer and playing video games, good for him.  I wish I could, as well.  Hell, I can't even mute my emotions by ignoring them.  Or ignoring everyone else.  I tried.  Man, did I try this weekend.  I wanted to just have fun.  Chris and I were getting along, he was being nice to me, we hung out with old friends and laughed and everything.  But that is definitely not what was happening on the inside.  I'm sure he knows better.  How can he believe I'm okay with this?  Especially after the crying fits and hiding in the bedroom all week and not wanting to shower?  I know, I know, not a good idea, but you know how it is. 

I'm hoping when I move to Colorado, I will be able to take the "A Beer A Day" approach.  I haven't seen the friend I'm staying with in four years.  We used to have so much fun together.  Of course, times change, and we were young then, but still.  I'll have to drink a light beer and hope it doesn't go straight to my gut, but it's nothing a little running can't cure.  I guess we'll see when I get there.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Waiting to Breathe...

You know what?  I love you guys.  I can't answer every single one of the comments I was left, and I'm sorry for that.

But I will tell you- I love my readers.  I love my commenters.  And I think I'm okay with life.

A lot has happened.  I still haven't moved.  I still don't have unlimited access to a computer.  But- I still have my same readers and friends.  GOD I love YOU for that! 

Okay- so onto the update-

This week has been emotional.  I haven't kept dry-eyed for even one day.  But I will tell you, every day has gotten easier. 

Chris and I have officially broken up.  At this point, we are both safe to say, it is the way it will be.  I can't say I completely agree, but I do, for the most part.  Last weekend was hell- literally.

I won't even go into what I went through, but I will tell you the gist: D and J will not leave, and I am now the second (or third) woman in the picture.  But you know what??  I am okay with this now.

I've had a week to digest moving to Colorado, and giving up my life here, in Phoenix, and to the heat in Arizona.  And I don't change my mind.  I am excited.  I've cried every given moment- even tonight- but I am still excited.  My friend says she likes it.  And she is also from northern Michigan.  I think I will follow her footsteps.  I haven't seen her in years, I will tell you, and when we talk it seems like just yesterday.

I've never had to worry about her as a roommate, and for that I am grateful.  However, everyday I have to spend longer with Chris makes me more anxious.  More scared.  lol.  Is that a word?

Okay in the middle of all this, thank you SO MUCH AGAIN to Steph.  I am taking forever to update but she has AGAIN given me an award!  I love you!

I really plan on updating again, believe me.  Probably tomorrow.  This week has just been...emotional and confrontational and ugly.  :-/ Not a good time, believe me.

I love you all, again, and I will be back!