Reasoning

After an exhausting day of walking, talking, and cheering at a hockey game, I am finally home, and ready to sleep.  Alisha had the day off from work, so we decided to go to her brother's hockey game tonight, and it was quite exciting.  I haven't been to a hockey game in a long time, and forgot how fun they are.  But, onto the second part of my previous post.

As I told you yesterday, there are difficulties within the marriage of my friend Alisha and her husband, M. They have been married almost four years, and the last two years have been a struggle because he as terrible PTSD from being in the war in Iraq.  He has refused therapy, and also started drinking heavily.  It is not only sad, but extremely frightening for her.  Unfortunately, I didn't learn the entire situation until I was already here, and far from a home I could go to. 

After their fight last night, M passed out and Alisha slept on the couch.  We had discussed what she wanted to do, but was afraid she wouldn't have the guts to leave him.  I knew even before we had the talk that I would not be staying any longer than I would have to, because I will not put myself in the middle of a dangerous situation.  However, during our talk, I offered her to come with me.  I'm going to steer away from this topic for a moment to tie in the second part.

Chris and I haven't spoken a whole lot since I left.  We've texted a little, but most of it has been unimportant and nothing to do with us.  A few nights ago, though, he told me that I could believe it or not, but he did miss me, and love me.  Of course, I already knew he loved me.  That was never the problem.  The problem was how immature he was acting and hurting our relationship by neglecting me and my feelings.  It was a struggle for a over a month before he decided to end it because I was too much to deal with when all he wanted to do was have fun and be with so-called friends instead of being respectful to me.  I took it as it was, even if it was hard, and came out here.  It has been rough for me.  I miss him terribly, and it's been hard not to tell him that everyday, and dwell on it myself. 

After he told me that he missed me and loved me, he said the same thing he has been saying: "I just need time to myself to gather my thoughts."  Instead of just telling me he needed a little space, he ended it, and let me move a thousand miles away.  Apparently this isn't what he wanted, but he didn't want to tell me he didn't want me to move, because it was my decision and he didn't know how long it would take him to get his shit together.  We started talking about what we wanted through text, and suddenly, he tells me that he loves me and he just wants to start over with me, and rebuild what we had.  And I asked, "What has suddenly changed?"  He answers, "Not really anything.  As I said it's not you, it's me.  I just need to get over the fact that life needs to move on."  Meaning, from what he is doing right now.  He then tells me that he wants to stay in Phoenix, but he doesn't want to live in an apartment (which has been one of my big arguments with him about why I don't want to live there) forever, and that he wants a life.  He says if once the lease is up on our apartment, and I still want to leave, that we can leave together.  He added something else to the whole speech but it's a little too out there to say here, but it started with, "I know I want to be with you," then something about until certain body parts of mine are no longer where they are supposed to be.  Ha ha. 

...It is a lot for me to take it.  After all, it wasn't long ago he was telling me he just didn't feel the same anymore and all this other crap.  Apparently he didn't know what he wanted and now he misses me and realizes that I wasn't so out of line to ask certain things from him.  I made a comment about how he is still young and needs to get it out of his system but he retaliated with, "I know I'm young but it doesn't mean I don't love you and realize what I want."  Which, is probably half true.  I know what everyone is thinking- DON'T DO IT!  ...I thought it, too.  Don't fall for it.  Don't go back so easily.  Don't let him manipulate you. 

I know, I know, I know.  The thing is- although I am defensive about it and want to disprove anyone who says he just doesn't want to be alone now, I know Chris well enough to know when he is being sincere or just being selfish.  He told me he didn't want me to come home if I didn't want to, or if I didn't think it would work.  He said he wasn't going to ask me to move back, just to think about it.  And he was okay when I told him that maybe after the holidays, we could talk about it. 

Then, came this whole thing with Alisha and M.  Since Chris is really the only person I have had close to me in a long time, I told him about the situation and he immediately said, "Then bring her down here with you.  She can stay here."  He doesn't want me living in this situation, and he thinks that it would be a good idea to get her out of here.  I really couldn't believe he was saying anything of the sort since we both agreed we would not have another roommate again, after his brother.  He was sincere about it, though.

Alisha has decided not to leave.  She told me today she thought about it all night and also most of the day, but she feels she cannot abandon M when he needs her most, even though it puts her in dangerous situations.  It both irritates and frustrates me to no end, but I see her side of it.  This is a man she promised to love forever, through thick and thin, through good and bad times.  I suppose she thinks she owes it to him to take care of him and help him as much as she can.  After the very dramatic night last night, he called her every five minutes today, though, and was very clingy.  I know these signs- he knows he screwed up and wants to make sure she isn't going to leave him.  We were with her mom at the hockey game, and she even said that he can't do anything without her and she has to be home every minute with him or else he flips out.  All in all, it is a very unhealthy relationship in my eyes.  It is not my place to tell her what to do, though, and if she wants to stay, that is her choice.

We both have a lot on our plates right now, and it's been emotionally tiring.  I feel like a million pounds of bricks were dropped on me in the last 24 hours and it is only going to get worse before it gets better.  Should I go back to Chris?  Will she leave M?  Are we going to put number one first? 

All questions that will have to be answered, and better sooner than later.