Saturday, October 24, 2009

Waiting to Breathe...

You know what?  I love you guys.  I can't answer every single one of the comments I was left, and I'm sorry for that.

But I will tell you- I love my readers.  I love my commenters.  And I think I'm okay with life.

A lot has happened.  I still haven't moved.  I still don't have unlimited access to a computer.  But- I still have my same readers and friends.  GOD I love YOU for that! 

Okay- so onto the update-

This week has been emotional.  I haven't kept dry-eyed for even one day.  But I will tell you, every day has gotten easier. 

Chris and I have officially broken up.  At this point, we are both safe to say, it is the way it will be.  I can't say I completely agree, but I do, for the most part.  Last weekend was hell- literally.

I won't even go into what I went through, but I will tell you the gist: D and J will not leave, and I am now the second (or third) woman in the picture.  But you know what??  I am okay with this now.

I've had a week to digest moving to Colorado, and giving up my life here, in Phoenix, and to the heat in Arizona.  And I don't change my mind.  I am excited.  I've cried every given moment- even tonight- but I am still excited.  My friend says she likes it.  And she is also from northern Michigan.  I think I will follow her footsteps.  I haven't seen her in years, I will tell you, and when we talk it seems like just yesterday.

I've never had to worry about her as a roommate, and for that I am grateful.  However, everyday I have to spend longer with Chris makes me more anxious.  More scared.  lol.  Is that a word?

Okay in the middle of all this, thank you SO MUCH AGAIN to Steph.  I am taking forever to update but she has AGAIN given me an award!  I love you!

I really plan on updating again, believe me.  Probably tomorrow.  This week has just been...emotional and confrontational and ugly.  :-/ Not a good time, believe me.

I love you all, again, and I will be back!

Monday, October 19, 2009

I'm Doing It

Again, sorry for the lack of updates.  Things are hectic.  Why?  Because.  Chris and I are officially done.  And I'm either moving out this weekend, or next.  Where to?  Colorado.

Yes ma'ams and sirs, I am leaving this pavement paradise of Phoenix and heading to the Rockies.  I got an offer from a friend to go stay with her and find work there and start over, and get away from all the crappy memories I have here in Arizona.

I reconnected with my dad over the weekend, and I don't know how I feel about it all.  He has always made me feel very inferior and worthless.  He's constantly telling me how I need to stop blaming other people for my problems.  Um...I didn't know I blamed anyone for my problems, but okay, Dad.  My heart is broken and that's all you have to say?

Chris left the entire weekend.  I don't know where he went.  He still hasn't come home, except to pick up clean clothes for work last night.  He was here for all of ten minutes then left.  Again.  And I sat in my room, watching my seasons of The O.C. on DVD all night, drinking rum and Cokes because, well, I was wallowing.  ...Wallowing.  What a weird ass word.

Today though, is a new day.  Although my heart hurts and I get sporatic spurts of tears still, I'm hoping that this is a message from God to me, saying, "Here is your chance to get out of Phoenix."  Even if it means leaving behind Chris.

But, let me just say this-

He is a good guy.  He is just confused and he knows he doesn't want to move away from Phoenix, like I do.  He didn't see any point in staying with me when he knows I'm going to be moving away eventually, with or without him.  Who knows if that would have actually happened.  Maybe I would have changed my mind for him a year from now, and decided my home is where he is.  But now we'll never know.  I feel heartsick and devastated by this, and Lord knows my sheets probably need to be washed because of all the snot on them.  I'll always love Chris; I still do.  I can't say that enough.  I love him, probably more than I've loved any of my past ex's, including the fiance.  He opened up my mind to new things and showed me how I should be treated (before this last month), and he stood by my side through most of the trials we went through.  He didn't mind my craziness, and he chose to be with me even when it meant giving up his loser brother and old pothead, party crazy friends.  He chose me for a whole year, even though he was young and had every right to live like a boy before he has to become an adult with responsibilities.  I'll always remember the good times.

Anyhow...I gotta start job hunting and packing and figuring out what I'm taking and what I'm leaving.  The buns are coming with me.  I'm not sure how they'll handle 12 hours in a car.  But...I'm sure we'll be able to let them out along the way.

On to the long, hard road...