Monday, October 26, 2009

A Beer A Day...

I hate not being able to use my laptop.  I lot.  I'll leave it at that.

So, this weekend wasn't as bad as I thought, but it wasn't the good weekend I wanted.  I didn't get to leave because a few things went astray in the plans, but I'll be in Colorado Halloween night.  I doubt we'll be doing anything after my friends spend 26 hours on the road and I am emotionally and mentally worn out, but we'll see when we get there.

Chris has been unusually nice to me.  This isn't a bad thing, but it does make me wonder how he feels about everything.  You see, a man doesn't like to discuss his feelings.  Most of the time, they can go years without expressing any sort of feeling they have, unless it's anger at not being able to watch a football game on Sunday afternoon.  Chris is good at being mad and he's good at being annoyed.  As far as I can tell, he isn't good at being sad nor disappointed nor anxious.  I'm good at everything, but that's because I'm a woman. 

I hate overdoing the, "I just want to know what is wrong," statement.  I hate asking, period, but I want to know.  How come he was a complete ass for a month and couldn't tell me what was wrong?  Why was it so hard to say, "I just need some space"?  I would have no problem saying that.  I have never had a problem with it.  As a matter of fact, I would have definitely preferred hearing that instead of him telling me to just leave him alone and he won't be home at all for the weekend, making me wonder what I did wrong and what was he doing that he didn't want me to know about.  It's all just ridiculous.

The cure to a man's daily problems is a beer at night.  Drink a beer, watch some TV, and go to bed.  Seems to help them relax and just forget the day.  I wish it were that easy for me.  "A beer a day keeps the problems at bay."  ...

I drank this weekend.  Not a lot.  I know better.  I even had a discussion with someone about it.  If I've had a rough day, but have no qualms with a person, sure, I can drink and be fine.  But if I am upset or sad or annoyed, you can bet the alcohol will bring it out.  So I don't have the choice of just coming home and drinking a beer.  I watched Chris do it and was jealous.  It has a lot to do with the fact that I'm also bipolar, but in general, I've learned many, many people have the same problem with drinking.  It's ridiculous.  And not just women- my dad has been known to burst into tears when he is a little tipsy.

Chris is lucky.  If he can mute his emotions by drinking a beer and playing video games, good for him.  I wish I could, as well.  Hell, I can't even mute my emotions by ignoring them.  Or ignoring everyone else.  I tried.  Man, did I try this weekend.  I wanted to just have fun.  Chris and I were getting along, he was being nice to me, we hung out with old friends and laughed and everything.  But that is definitely not what was happening on the inside.  I'm sure he knows better.  How can he believe I'm okay with this?  Especially after the crying fits and hiding in the bedroom all week and not wanting to shower?  I know, I know, not a good idea, but you know how it is. 

I'm hoping when I move to Colorado, I will be able to take the "A Beer A Day" approach.  I haven't seen the friend I'm staying with in four years.  We used to have so much fun together.  Of course, times change, and we were young then, but still.  I'll have to drink a light beer and hope it doesn't go straight to my gut, but it's nothing a little running can't cure.  I guess we'll see when I get there.