Conversion

The last few days have been rough on me.  It is sad to sleep alone in a big bed, it brings me down to watch my friend and her husband together, I am sad to have no one to kiss.  This has hit me a lot harder than I thought it would.  I figured that I would be a little bit sad, but so distracted by my new surroundings that I wouldn't have much time to think about how badly my heart hurts.  It turns out I was wrong.

Every time I log onto Facebook, one of my friends is engaged, planning a wedding, or having kids- maybe all three in a week.  This makes it worse, as I feel like I'm the last of the single ones.  I know that a lot of women my age prefer to be single, and at times when I was with Chris I sort of wished I was, but I definitely don't prefer it.  I dislike not having anyone to wind down with at the end of the day, I miss making dinner for someone I love, and I definitely am not fond of sleeping alone.  I realize that although I was not in a good position back in Phoenix with Chris, at least I had a partner. 

On Friday night we texted most of the night. I was drinking with Alisha and her husband and brother, and Chris told me that if I feel like I'm not going to make it here that I should come back because he loves me and doesn't want me to feel like I'm not loved.  He just needs time to himself.  I'm not saying that I am going back, I'm just pointing out that he does love me and doesn't like to see me hurt.  I know this much.  He's never been a fan of fighting and the last month and a half has been the worst in our relationship.  Every time before this that we argued, it ended with us making up and him telling me that just because we fight it doesn't mean he doesn't want to be with me, or that he loves me any less. 

I told him that I'm not going back to a city where I don't have friends.  Where every person we hang out with isn't interested in friendship, but just getting drunk or high.  Mind you, I don't do drugs.  But, he is known to smoke a little bit, and so do all his friends.  That's the only thing most of them have in common.  I told him that I don't think any of his friends are true friends, because if he stopped smoking, none of them would come around anymore.  And if he needed help doing something, they would have some excuse as to why they can't help.  He doesn't believe that, and it is sad.  He thinks these people that come over just to get "messed up" are his real friends and that he can depend on them.  What about the months that they disappeared off the radar because they had better things to do and found new friends to go and hang out with? 

It makes me sick and sad.  I told him last night that I see where his loyalty is, and it is not with me, and that I will not be texting nor calling him anymore.  I will leave it up to him.  I don't wish to speak to him when he is constantly distracted or doing something more exciting than talking to me.  He told me that he wants to talk to me and that he likes talking to me, but I suppose if that were true, he would make more of an effort to make the first contact.  He texted me yesterday morning to say good morning, but that was it.  The rest of the time I had to initiate the conversation or else I didn't hear from him.

I don't know how long this is going to take for me to get over.  The more I think about how much I want to just forget about him the more I realize that I did love him more than I thought.  I never realized how much I cared about him, or how much he meant to me until I no longer had him.  And it isn't even as if I ever abandoned him or didn't give him enough attention.  I guess I just never took time to appreciate him fully when he was there for me.

Tomorrow I am job hunting again.  I am not sure how that will go, as the more I see of Greeley the more I realize there is really nothing here.  It would be a different story if I had a vehicle, but depending on someone to get me to work and pick me up isn't what I wanted to do.  Alisha thought the bus system here ran everywhere, but it doesn't even come close to her apartment, so I'd have to walk about a mile and a half to get to the first stop.  And let's face it- I'm not walking that far once winter really hits.  It is already 40 degrees at night and I can barely handle it.  I'm ashamed to admit it but I have officially been converted to a Phoenician and I dislike the cold more than I ever have, and have a low tolerance for it.  I guess we'll see what happens.