Trials and Textulations

Listening To: Chris Botti- When I Fall In Love album

I had a long weekend, to say the least.  I discovered about a thousand new things that I didn't want/need to know.  But, now I do.  It's up to me to choose how to use all this information; however, right now I just don't want to process it.  So I'm choosing not to, for right now.  It's hard enough to even think about the tiny things that went wrong, let alone the big picture.  I need to find a new job, stat, so I'm focusing on that (except right now, while I type this blog- I need a break).

If I had a full-time job, some extra money, and no responsibility, I would take a vacation right now.  Even if it was only to Michigan, I would go for a couple days, just to get away.  I don't, though.  In fact, my cell phone got shut off this morning because I'm three days late on my bill.  Yes, three days.  Some leeway they give for those of us in desperate times.  So I'm stuck here, in Phoenix, the place I hate most in the world, without a penny to my name, and so many thoughts that if I actually had a penny for every one of them, I'd be rich beyond belief.

I started taking all of my medication again yesterday.  I know this is going to be rough on me, and I don't feel like taking a risk and going through it all without help from those pills.  If I lose my creativity for a time, that is fine with me- so long as I'm not pulling my hair out and screaming every five seconds.  I stopped taking Tegretol back in April because it dulled my senses and my personality.  Most creative writers have spectacular senses, and outgoing personalities, even if they attempt to hide them.  This works against me, because my feelings just start bursting out of my mouth and I go nuts.  I'd rather not have that happen right now.  I need to keep my shit together so I can wade through it all with a clear head.  All right, it won't be clear, it'll be somewhat foggy, but at least I won't be crying my eyes out like I did all weekend.

*Insert huge sigh here*  I just don't know what to do (with myself).  Anyone that goes through a breakup with someone they love and live with is bound to experience everything I'm feeling right now.  My problem is, even after I spoke to my mom, and tried to get things together, I'm still in the same place.  That is because Chris is my sole supporter.  He supported me going part-time with my job, so I have no money.  He supported me giving up talking to my dad, who only made me upset every time we talked, so I have no contact with my only family out here.  This makes me suseptible to "helpless ex-girlfriend" syndrome.  Never heard of it?  It's that sickness ex-girlfriends get when they think they have no way out of a situation because they fully depended on their ex, and now without him/her, life is falling apart.

Maybe I'm being a drama queen, but I'm going to allow myself to be so because I seriously am stuck in a rut.  Without money, I'm doomed.  I have nothing/no one here in Phoenix.  My parents back in Michigan are in a bad situation, themselves, so they can't help.  And that about sums it up.  Unless I become a Lady of the Night (not really), I'm pretty much stuck here until I find a fantastic full-time job.

On top of all of this, I found out that there is probably another girl involved in this whole situation.  Perfect.  With me it seems there always is.  The worst part is, I wouldn't even know unless I hadn't given in to my curiosity last night and been a snoop.  Chris and I share a phone service.  How silly of me, right?  Yes, we share a phone service.  I allowed him to be on my account so that he wasn't wasting money on that prepaid nonsense.  Well, our phones are shut off, so I picked up the Blackberry that I had allowed him to use, and went to put it up on the dresser, and suddenly, I had this urge to see who he had been texting all weekend.  Usually he has about ten million texts to scroll through because he doesn't delete them.  He rarely has to because once the inbox is completely full the Blackberry takes it upon itself to delete them.  What are the chances that the Blackberry happened to delete them all last night before he went to bed?  I'd say slim to none.

There was one lone text in the outbox, that was sent about the time I decided to come out of the bedroom and watch TV with him.  It was to a girl.  A girl he supposedly was getting rides with to work for the last week and a half or so.  Except, she doesn't work with him anymore, her friend does.  The only reason this struck me as odd is because on Friday night, before any of the drama went down, this girl and her friend came over for a while after dropping Chris off.  Her friend, J, is perfectly nice.  I like her.  She has come in before dropping him off and has always been really nice to me.  D, though- I've never met, until Friday.  She came in with J, and they all hung out.  I was in the process of scrubbing down the tub and sink, so I wasn't paying much attention, but when I walked into the living room, she glared at me, went out on the patio to say something, then left the apartment, without introducing herself or anything.  I asked Chris that night about who she was, and he just said, "That's D, the one I told you about."  Uh, no you didn't.  But maybe I had temporarily blanked out during a conversation and didn't hear him.  I let it go.

This one text message was sent to this girl, that I had never really heard about, the weekend Chris and I have a falling out, out of NOWHERE, and it says: "did you already pass out for the night?"  What would go through your head if this was you?  Well, the first thing that crossed my mind was, "Why is he asking this girl if she passed out for the night?  Why does he care?  And why, suddenly, is he texting her?" 

Maybe I'm just paranoid.  But I know I'm not.  I am not the jealous type.  I don't just assume people I trust are betraying me without having some gut feeling that they are, and with some sort of proof that something is going on.  Now, mind you, I have been talking to B, but Chris knows this.  I've texted him in front of Chris and if Chris asked who it was, I said, "My friend B, in Michigan."  I don't care.  We don't talk about anything that Chris can't know about.  Mainly it has focused around his fiance leaving him, and I'm just an open ear.  But Chris has never mentioned talking to D.  Ever.  I'm pretty sure of that.  I have a wonderful memory, unlike him.  After I found it, I had to ask him about it.

Chris is a terrible liar.  He starts trying to be confusing by saying, "Remember, back ten months ago, when I said that so-and-so from work was arguing with blah blah blah and..."  Yeah, no I don't remember that, just get to the point and answer my question: "Why are you texting this girl that I don't know and have never heard of?"  "Because, I just wanted to see what she was up to."  "When did you two become friends?"

He had no straight answer.  None.  He kept running in circles.  "We've always been friends!  We used to work together!  She gave me a ride home once!"  None of them made any sense as to why this weekend, the weekend he decides he doesn't want to move to Michigan with me anymore, the weekend we break up, they are suddenly in texting contact with each other.  Then again, maybe I'm just paranoid.

But, like I said, I'm not.  I know something is up.  I've been with him for a year (tomorrow).  I know when something is wrong, or not right, or up.  I know these things.  I've been cheated on by every boyfriend (except B, respectively) I've ever had, so I KNOW the signs of someone lying to cover shit up.

Ugh.  I'm rambling on about this, I apologize.  I'm just trying to make sense of it all.  In times of trials and tribulation, it's not uncommon for a man to stray from his significant other.  I know this.  It's the cliche of relationshiphood.  But, I really thought Chris and I had it together.  We were leaning on each other for support.  We talked openly about things.  He knows more about me than even my best friends do.  So why, if he really isn't being unfaithful, can't he just say, "Yes, we've been texting, and I've been thinking about me and you and I'm confused."  BECAUSE!  He's not a chick!  That is why!  He is a man, and men can't just come right out and say why they are doing the things they are doing!  UGH! 

Anyway, I'm done ranting.  I know I didn't get around to commenting a lot this weekend, so I'll try to catch up today.  Hope everyone else had a better weekend than I!

P.S. On top of everything, my left eye won't stop twitching.  It's been going nonstop for roughly 36 hours.  The cause- stress.  It is a fact.