Series of Unfortunate Ex's Pt. II

So, in my last post I wrote about the "ex" from when I was twelve coming back into my life.  It was quite the experience.  R happened to reappear again recently, and he is now living with someone and happy with that.  I'm glad for him.  That just means that he will not bug me anymore about getting back together and I won't have to deal with the drama of it all.

Now, onto ex #2.  B and I met my first day of freshman year.  Coincidental since on my first day of freshman year R happened to drop back into my life, as well.  Anyhow.  B and I had first hour English class together at first.  He sat on the other side of my cousin in class.  Within minutes of sitting down and preparing for class to begin, B leaned over, and whispered to my cousin.  She giggled loudly and looked over at me.  She had to wait until after class to tell me what he said, but apparently, his words were, "Your cousin is hot, she looks like Alicia Silverstone."  Despite the fact that no, I do not look like Miss Silverstone whatsoever, I was sort of flattered.  I already had a boyfriend at this time, D, so I wasn't interested in finding any admirers, but it was nice to get off to a good start.  B was a sweet kid, but very immature.  Like most freshman boys, he was still in the "booger and farts are hilarious" stage in life.  I was not.  I never really was in that stage, for that matter.

My schedule ended up changing a few days later to fit with the Algebra class I switched into, so I no longer had class with B.  However, it didn't stop his interaction with me.  His little clique sat at the opposite end of the lunch table I sat at with my newfound best friend.  B had a girlfriend.  Her name was A.  She was a junior.  I have no idea what a junior girl was doing with a freshman boy, but they obviously had something going together.  I don't know what it was, and don't care to.  It disturbed me.  B was constantly making comments to me about how hot I was and that he wanted to grab my, uh, chestal area, if you will.  I got pretty mad about it eventually and told D.  After that, B called me several bad names and D threatened to do physical harm to B.  Our interaction stopped then.  Until the beginning of our junior year.

Like most schools, October is the month for football games and homecoming.  We always did float building, but I had never participated because my mom would never drive me.  It was kind of a pain in the ass and hurt my social standing, but there wasn't much I could about it.  D and I were having troubles at this point, and I had told him that I needed a break.  I had been with him over two years by this time, and had spent the summer trying to juggle being his girlfriend and being R's friend (yes, I did hang out with R a lot that summer, but I didn't do anything unfaithful).  D's jealousy ended up being the kicker for the end of our relationship, and I suddenly had tons of free time.  I decided to use it wisely and did the float building thing with my friends.

At this point, I had become friends with S, and she hung out with B a lot.  They were in the same clique, and it was convenient because I had just started showing actual interest in B.  He had grown up.  He wasn't the same nerdy little freshman making fart jokes at the lunch table and yelling crude remarks to girls in the hallway.  He learned to be respectful, and he was really quite sweet.  He had recently ended his relationship with another girl, and was also trying to have fun being single.  We couldn't help but flirt a little bit, though.  Our rocky past was forgotten and we became friends. 

This meant, we hung out a lot together with our friends, in a group, and we flirted but never actually did anything about it.  Float building lasted a week, and one night, my friend D drove us home.  I knew D had taken an interest in me, but really, I hadn't noticed much.  I wasn't interested in him.  We dropped B off first, and I decided to get out and walk him up to the door, so that I would have some privacy.  At the door, B stopped, and looked at me.  "I really like you, you know," he said.  "I know, and I like you, too," I told him.  And we kissed.  And that was how it really started.

Now, D (the ex I was on a break with) didn't like being away from me.  He started showing up at my float building, because he lived right next door, and was pestering me.  Our class advisor had to ask him to leave several times, and finally it came to the point where I screamed at him in front of my entire class to fuck off.  He still didn't get the point.  He kept calling my house every night, and my mom would always tell him I wasn't there.  I should explain beforehand that my mom and I didn't get along at this time, and she thought I was being a bitch to D, even though she didn't understand that he was sort of abusive to me (I won't get into that).  I came home one night and she had packed my backpack with clothes and thrown it out on the porch, telling me to leave.  I walked two miles to the freshman float building, where my other friend and AL lived.  She was D's sister, but she knew how awful he was being to me.  I told her about the fight with my mom, and she told me I could ride home with her.  Her mom was always really awesome to me, because she knew how bad my mom could get sometimes.  When her mom picked us up, I told her what had happened and she was more than happy to let me stay there.  D wasn't supposed to be home until later that night, but as soon as he found out I was staying there he came home.

All of a sudden, a dreadful night for me became worse because D was harassing me and crying about being together again and how hurt he was by what I was doing.  He had graduated the year before, and it was sort of disgusting to watch a "man" act like he was.  It made me uncomfortable, and he wouldn't even listen to his mom tell him to leave me alone.  It finally came to the point where I called B and he came and picked me up.  I ended up staying at his house that night, and we officially became a couple homecoming weekend.

We went to the dance together, took pictures, laughed, and had a ton of fun together.  He really was a great guy.  He was a gentleman, and sweet, and funny, and smart.  He treated me like a princess.  He told his mom (who was not unlike my own mother, unfortunately- they were both drunks) that he loved me and wanted us to be together a long time.  I couldn't believe my good fortune, but at the same time, I was very confused.  I had been through a lot the last few months and now suddenly, another guy was proclaiming his love for me, though we'd only been together a couple months.

I ended up breaking up with him because I needed time to think.  We ended up getting back together, but once again, I broke up with him because we were moving too fast.  I knew I was leading him on, and messing around with his heart and head, but I didn't know what to do.  High school was such a confusing time for me, and add to the fact that my mom was being investigated by CPS, and it was just plain hell.  Things at home were in constant array, and even though I really did care for B, and it maybe went as far as loving him, my life was too complicated and I didn't want to drag him through my emotional hell. 

This went on and off until April of 2002.  We didn't have any classes together, but we always sat together before classes in the cafeteria.  I sat across from him, prepared to tell him that, I knew I had broken up with him again and hurt him, but I just needed to figure out what was happening at home.  I was confused, but not about him.  I just didn't want him to be caught in the middle, and I didn't want him to see me worked up all the time.  I was prepared; I was hoping he would understand, and be patient while the investigation was going on, and then afterwards, maybe we could work things out.  I never even got to tell him, because the new girl, M, came bounding up to the table, sat beside him, wrapped her arms around him, and laid her head on his shoulder.

I remember this so well.  I can still remember what he was wearing, what she looked like, how it felt, and what I wanted to do with her head.  I just stood up, though, and walked away.  And that was the last time B and I had any personal contact.  Of course, we went to the same school still, and in our senior year we finally had classes together, but apparently he and M and fallen madly in love and that was it.  They planned to be together forever.  We all graduated and went on our merry little ways, and I had gotten involved with my ex-fiance, and things were dropped.  I didn't see B at all in four years, despite living in the same town the entire time.  Then one night, I was hanging out with his brother (we had always been friends) and playing some video games, and B just dropped by.  The entire summer I had spent hanging out with his brother I never saw him, then he just showed up.  We were both surprised to see each other, but we didn't talk.  I felt nervous, and my stomach was all bunched up.  I didn't know what to say.

I ened up going home, because I didn't know how to act and it was sort of uncomfortable.  He was still with M, and even though I never really got to know her, she didn't like me.  She worked at the pharmacy I had my prescriptions at and the last things I needed was her to find out I had been hanging out with her boyfriend.  It would just give her more leverage to hate me and be mean.  I know, I'm a sensitive being.

That was 2007.  It is now 2009 (duh).  Back in April, I got a call from a Michigan number, and didn't answer it.  They left a voicemail, and when I listened to it, I realized it was B.  We had become friends on Facebook not long before that, and he'd got my phone number from it.  I remember my heart stopping, then jumping around again.  I didn't want to talk on the phone with him.  I hate talking on the phone.  But I texted him.  And we've been texting him ever since.

About two weeks ago, after seven years of being together, M told B she wasn't in love with him anymore, and hadn't been for a while.  B told M to pack her stuff and get out of his house.  He's been going through a rough time.  I have been trying to do the best I can as a friend, to help him out and make him feel better, but there's only so much to say.  It sucks being dumped, after putting so much into a relationship.  He wanted to marry her.  That's what he had been planning to do this entire time; settle down, buy a house, get married, have kids.  He bought the house she wanted, and he was planning to propose.  Then suddenly, she just didn't want it anymore. 

I can understand what he is going through, and it makes me hurt for him.  I remember when my ex fiance and I broke up, and I had to leave him because of how he was.  It didn't make it any easier that I was the one to finally say we were done.  It hurt so much, made my heart physically ache, my stomach felt like it was being torn out, my throat suddenly felt tight and like I'd never take another breath.  So we've been talking.  But we've been talking about the past, and how great of a time we had together.  He never held a grudge against me, but he told me he still had strong feelings for me for a long time.  He hoped we would run into each other; but we never did.  I guess it's sort of a sick joke. 

I guess I should fill you in about how we're going through the same thing right now.  Chris told me this morning that he doesn't want to move to Michigan, and that it won't work between us.  Yes.  Two days before our one year anniversary he drops this on me, and I'm pretty torn up.  We had made the decision that once our lease is up in May, we were going to move to Michigan to be closer to my family, because he has no family here.  Apparently he changed his mind and told me he's not going to lead me into thinking we're staying together after that.  The bad part about all of this is, I'm broke.  So I have no choice but to stay living with him, in this apartment, until I can move back to Michigan. 

So, B and I are going through similar situations, and suddenly we're connected.  It's just really rough.  Things were already pretty bad, and add to this the fact that I am now stuck in this desert without a soul to lean on, and it makes it that much worse. 

I don't understand the cycle of things in this world, whatsoever.  This blog was supposed to be about closing up the past when it was left open for so long, but now it isn't closing because B and I now share something pretty emotional and we understand each other too well.  How can you close something when right now, it seems like the only thing you have to hang onto?  At least I have another person to share my misery with.  It makes it hurt a little less, to know I'm not alone in going through this.  Someone else understands right now how I feel.

I guess B isn't really an unfortunate ex, in this case.

Am I being punished for keeping in contact with my ex's?  Is that why this suddenly happened to me?  I'm not sure.  But I guess I have time to figure it out, because I'm back to being single.  I just never figured it would hurt so much the second time around.  It really does, though.  It stings like hell.