After All

I've spent that last few hours reading and commenting on my blog subscriptions.  All of you guys are so busy, and so productive, I feel like I've accomplished nothing.  Although, that is sort of a lie because after all- I moved across the country and am starting all over again.

It's overwhelming.  It's weird sleeping in my "high school" bedroom, surrounded by walls I painted at the end of a disastrous relationship to cover up memories, hanging out with people the remind me of everything that made me leave Michigan in the first place.  Sometimes I feel like the only thing that has changed is- well, me.

My mom and I have never been best friends, which is sad to me.  All of my high school friends' parents loved me and I always called them Mom.  Maybe it's disrespectful to my own mother, but it is how it is.  My mom has not changed at all, despite how everyone tried convincing me otherwise.  She is still an alcoholic, she still resents me, she still picks on every detail she can't stand about me, or (as I've recently discovered) is jealous of.  She is constantly bringing up the size of my chest in front of people to embarrass me or make me feel bad.  My aunt was one of the people there, and she just whispered in my ear, "Your mom is just jealous because she has no boobs."  And it hit me- it's true.  My own mother is jealous of me because I have curves and she never has.  I still don't get it, though.  She will be 46 years old this year- isn't it time to get over these things?  Apparently not. Old habits die hard- or rather don't die at all.

My oldest younger brother (he turned 24 in July) also has resentment towards me for some reason.  I do not get it.  He was the most popular guy in high school.  No one knew who I was, but he was homecoming prince, and prom king.  He was student body president.  He broke the record for our school for most strikeouts thrown in one season (baseball).  He is tall, and handsome, and everyone likes him.  Yet, he still feels it necessary to make me feel like crap every time we hang out.  We had our yearly family reunion this past weekend, and there is always a big party.  We had a fire, and we invited some of our own friends, and our Canadian family was there, and it was supposed to be fun.  I had fun until suddenly my brother verbally attacked me in front of everyone, yelling at me and saying the most awful things ("you're worthless," "you're a drama queen," "you're fucking crazy," bringing attention to the scars on my arms and legs, etc).  Finally a few of his friends actually had to tell him to shut up, but ten minutes later he had me by the arm and was trying to wrestle me to the ground.

I'm 25 years old.  I don't play these games anymore.  Maybe it was cute when we were little kids to wrestle and beat each other up, but it's not anymore.  I took it that way, too.  We were both pretty inebriated, but I fought him off, and I actually ended up pinning him to the ground and he had to tell me to get off.  I don't know how, since I'm 5'1 and about 20 pounds lighter since moving back here, and he is 6' and 185, but I did.  Everyone was laughing at him and telling him he shouldn't mess with me because that's what he gets.

Later on though, I ended up walking home, sitting on my bedroom floor, and crying my eyes out.  My mom came out and got into it with us, and she stood on his side, telling me I'm a cry baby and drama queen as well.  It's just so much to take on.  I cut myself for the first time since February.  I regret it now, because I thought I was beyond all this, but I suppose the issues are much deeper than I realized.  A few years away and some therapy haven't cure the feelings of insignificance and worthlessness I have when it comes to my mom and my brother.

It's sad that my youngest brother (17) is the person that understands me most and is now the one closest to me, even though there is a big age gap and I missed most of his teenage years.  I just can't figure out how to fix the messes around me.  In Phoenix it was with my ex and my step mom.  Here it's my mom and my brother.  It doesn't help that I really do need emotional support.  I'm beginning to think that I should apply for social security temporarily, because the unstableness makes it hard for me to even get out of bed some days.

I'm happier than I have been, but it's still not happy enough to enjoy everyday things, or just accomplish the smallest tasks.  I suppose I'm going to work on getting into therapy here, and hopefully, I'll be able to at least mend the pieces and stop anymore from breaking off.