My New Life

It's been a while since I posted anything on here. I'm hoping that's about to change. My life has been chaotic the last six months and is finally settling down. I'll tell you more about it when I have access to an actually computer. I hope everyone is doing well, and that eventually I'll catch up with all of my followers. Happy Valentine's Day.

After All

I've spent that last few hours reading and commenting on my blog subscriptions.  All of you guys are so busy, and so productive, I feel like I've accomplished nothing.  Although, that is sort of a lie because after all- I moved across the country and am starting all over again.

It's overwhelming.  It's weird sleeping in my "high school" bedroom, surrounded by walls I painted at the end of a disastrous relationship to cover up memories, hanging out with people the remind me of everything that made me leave Michigan in the first place.  Sometimes I feel like the only thing that has changed is- well, me.

My mom and I have never been best friends, which is sad to me.  All of my high school friends' parents loved me and I always called them Mom.  Maybe it's disrespectful to my own mother, but it is how it is.  My mom has not changed at all, despite how everyone tried convincing me otherwise.  She is still an alcoholic, she still resents me, she still picks on every detail she can't stand about me, or (as I've recently discovered) is jealous of.  She is constantly bringing up the size of my chest in front of people to embarrass me or make me feel bad.  My aunt was one of the people there, and she just whispered in my ear, "Your mom is just jealous because she has no boobs."  And it hit me- it's true.  My own mother is jealous of me because I have curves and she never has.  I still don't get it, though.  She will be 46 years old this year- isn't it time to get over these things?  Apparently not. Old habits die hard- or rather don't die at all.

My oldest younger brother (he turned 24 in July) also has resentment towards me for some reason.  I do not get it.  He was the most popular guy in high school.  No one knew who I was, but he was homecoming prince, and prom king.  He was student body president.  He broke the record for our school for most strikeouts thrown in one season (baseball).  He is tall, and handsome, and everyone likes him.  Yet, he still feels it necessary to make me feel like crap every time we hang out.  We had our yearly family reunion this past weekend, and there is always a big party.  We had a fire, and we invited some of our own friends, and our Canadian family was there, and it was supposed to be fun.  I had fun until suddenly my brother verbally attacked me in front of everyone, yelling at me and saying the most awful things ("you're worthless," "you're a drama queen," "you're fucking crazy," bringing attention to the scars on my arms and legs, etc).  Finally a few of his friends actually had to tell him to shut up, but ten minutes later he had me by the arm and was trying to wrestle me to the ground.

I'm 25 years old.  I don't play these games anymore.  Maybe it was cute when we were little kids to wrestle and beat each other up, but it's not anymore.  I took it that way, too.  We were both pretty inebriated, but I fought him off, and I actually ended up pinning him to the ground and he had to tell me to get off.  I don't know how, since I'm 5'1 and about 20 pounds lighter since moving back here, and he is 6' and 185, but I did.  Everyone was laughing at him and telling him he shouldn't mess with me because that's what he gets.

Later on though, I ended up walking home, sitting on my bedroom floor, and crying my eyes out.  My mom came out and got into it with us, and she stood on his side, telling me I'm a cry baby and drama queen as well.  It's just so much to take on.  I cut myself for the first time since February.  I regret it now, because I thought I was beyond all this, but I suppose the issues are much deeper than I realized.  A few years away and some therapy haven't cure the feelings of insignificance and worthlessness I have when it comes to my mom and my brother.

It's sad that my youngest brother (17) is the person that understands me most and is now the one closest to me, even though there is a big age gap and I missed most of his teenage years.  I just can't figure out how to fix the messes around me.  In Phoenix it was with my ex and my step mom.  Here it's my mom and my brother.  It doesn't help that I really do need emotional support.  I'm beginning to think that I should apply for social security temporarily, because the unstableness makes it hard for me to even get out of bed some days.

I'm happier than I have been, but it's still not happy enough to enjoy everyday things, or just accomplish the smallest tasks.  I suppose I'm going to work on getting into therapy here, and hopefully, I'll be able to at least mend the pieces and stop anymore from breaking off.

For A Good Cause

I'm only posting this link because I know this person well and feel awful I cannot help her out.  We grew up in the same neighborhood when we were younger and we just recently met up again, and she is having some hard luck.  After going through everything I just went through this last year, I told her to set up a donation site.  A lot of good people helped me get home, and I am safe and sound here now, and I'm just really hoping it works for her.  So, go here and read what she had to say, and then spread the word around if you can.  I'm going to try to keep tabs if I can.

I know that blogger is a supportive community for those of us having hard times. Please pass this on for me.

Times Change

It's been a minute since I posted on here.  As soon as I can, I'm going to get that laptop fixed and get some Internet!

Nothing new, nothing exciting going on.  Sometimes things are good, sometimes they are bad.  I'm just kinda hanging in the shadows up here in northern Michigan.  A lot has happened but I'll wait until I can really write about it to say.

Sorry I am not around much to post comments, I promise as soon as I get my computer up and running I will be all over your blogs!

What A Conundrum

I've been in Michigan a little more than a month now.  Things are alright, so far.  I have been spending a lot of time with my nieces and nephew, my brothers, and my sister-in-law.  I am staying with my mom and stepdad, for now, and hopefully I'll land a job soon.  I'm not quite sure what I wanna do yet, but I hope to be on my feet by fall.  Early winter, at latest.  I'm not enjoying depending on other people for rides and the like right now.  However, it is better being here, surrounded by my family and friends than in Phoenix, miserable and alone 99% of the time.

I guess I miss Chris a little more than I expected to.  Although I've kept busy and rarely have a spare moment to myself, at night I find myself thinking about him and it is hard.  The morning I left Phoenix he sounded as if he really was sad, and that he wanted to stay in touch, and he even told me he would try to visit this winter.  Now he is completely mean.  He told me not to text him anymore, and that he will send me my stuff as soon as he can, and that he wants me out of his life.  I have no idea where this harshness came from.  I thought we were ending everything on good terms.  It just wasn't meant to be.  However, I still wanted to remain friends, even if it is only once in a while, via text or whatever.  I don't get why he suddenly had a change of heart.  It makes me sad because he was a part of my life, and I do love him.  I didn't think we would just suddenly never talk or see each other again.  The worst part is that he still has my bunnies, so I have to deal with his attitude until I can have them sent out here. 

On a slightly better note, I have a slight thing for someone.  Thing meaning, I'm not sure what it can be because I don't know how I feel about anything.  However, when I was still in Phoenix, I had been corresponding with an old classmate since December.  He was stationed in Kuwait at the time, but we both flew into the same airport in Michigan on the same day, only three hours apart.  We decided we would get together while he was here for a couple weeks.  At the time we were talking, he was into this girl that lived here, but she apparently blew him off when he arrived, and he was not so happy.  I felt terrible because he did nothing but talk about her on Facebook and he told me they were so much alike, it just seemed right.  She is very, very young, though.  He didn't really go into a lot of detail about the situation, but the night we decided to get together he basically told me she had decided to move in with her ex and failed to mention it to him. 

He doesn't follow my usual trend in taste for guys.  I always vowed to never date a man in the military (my reasons are valid).  I have nothing against the men, personally- I just have never wanted to live the military lifestyle.  This guy, though- I'll call him S- is a bit different.  I'm not even sure sometimes I really like it; I just know that we sort of understand each other, and we both led rough lives as kids.  We have the same beliefs, we like the same things.  He has a very serious demeanor, though, whereas I'm bubbly and goofy and laugh nonstop most of the time.  He has a good sense of humor, just doesn't laugh out loud a lot or smile.  I get it, though.  I brought it up to him once that sometimes I don't know if he thinks I'm hilarious or a dumb ass.  He told me pointe blank, I think you are hilarious, even if it is dumb ass humor you have.  It was actually a compliment!  He calls me "Doll" and "Love" a lot.  Which could just be something he calls all girls/women that he adores, for all I know.  However, I still find it sweet. 

We got together about a week after we both got back to Michigan.  We ended up going to his parents house for the night, to have drinks, watch movies, listen to music, and talk.  It was fun.  We talked about everything.  I was a little nervous, a little ditzy, and drank a little too much.  He did too, though, and nothing terrible happened.  I did not go crazy (well, in a bad way, anyway), although I was loud.  I'm always loud.  I don't know how to train myself to be quiet.  How is it done?  His parents live down the road from my sister-in-law (that is a story for another time, I'll say), so I told him he could just drop me off there.  She invited him to stay a while, and so he did.  My nieces and nephew were there, and he was SO good with them.  My youngest niece adored him.  She usually cries around new people, especially men, being as she's only 8 months old.  But she didn't cry at all.  He held her and played with her and it was so endearing.  I have never had the ambition to have kids someday, but it was still sweet watching him with them, and knowing he would probably be a good dad.  (Isn't that one of the things a woman is supposed to look for in a man?) 

He stuck around for the night, and we had a few drinks and a fire and some music.  My sister-in-law liked him, which is good, because usually she can usually tell if someone is an asshole or not.  He ended up leaving around midnight, and I walked him to his truck.  He gave me a hug, and he kissed my forehead.  That was when I was thrown for a loop.  A kiss on the forehead is usually a sign of affection, correct?  I told Pam, and she thought it was sweet and probably meant he liked me, and thought of me as more than just you know...a piece of ass or whatever.  And that made me feel like a million dollars.  Chris never kissed my forehead.  Not once in almost two years.

He was only here to pack up the rest of his things, because he has duty in Washington for a year.  So we saw each other once more, and then he was busy the rest of the time.  We have talked on the phone, and have texted almost everyday.  I try to give it a rest, since I don't want to seem desperate, needy, or clingy.  I'm not any of those things.  I do enjoy talking to him.  We always have something to talk about.  He never seems annoyed, even if I do drunk text him nonsense (I have a thing for lyrics from 80's butt rock songs).  He always says, "Sweet dreams [doll/love]."  I do not want a relationship currently.  I have too much to do and think about to have to worry about giving someone else enough attention.  Plus, he is in Washington for a year.  In a way, it is sort of good.  There isn't so much pressure on either side. 

One of the best parts- he's a musician.  He plays guitar and writes songs.  I've always had a weakness for musicians.  I've only dated two or three non-musicians.  I just find it so sexy.  So even though he doesn't fit my usual canvas for a guy, he still has traits I totally fall for.  Which makes it that much harder.  Sigh.  Maybe it isn't what I should be thinking about right now, but is it so wrong for me to want it?  I'm 25.  I know to some it doesn't seem so old.  But when I look around and see all of my friends settling down, getting married, having kids, it makes me feel as if I'm still living my high school years.  I know that it isn't rational.  Everyone goes at their own pace.  I'm not ready to settle down and I'm not ready for marriage nor kids.  In fact, I've never wanted kids.  At one time I wanted to be married, but since the first time it failed, I've been slightly wary of the whole thing.  Now I look at myself, and wonder if I'm really going to end up alone for the next 20 years because I've been so anti-marriage and kids.  I do not want to be alone, but I know that I need someone who can deal with my mood swings, my crazy lifestyle, and wants the same things as I do.  And that doesn't come easily.

I suppose I shall end this here.  My niece is getting into cookies and my nephew just woke up.  Time to be an aunt and a good babysitter.

I really need to get mobile internet but I can't afford it right now. I took a picture of heart shaped cheese then realized I couldn't send it. This saddens me.

Sweet Home Michigan, yeah!

I do not have much time to post, as I am actually using a friend's computer.  But I will tell you this-

I finally made it home to Michigan.  YES!  I did.  However, I'm mighty sad it was sans bunnies.  :(  I still have to find a way to get them here soon.  Hopefully I'll land a job, and be able to have them with me by the end of July.  I didn't realize how expensive bunnies are to fly or ship.  Chris has them in his new apartment safe and sound so.

I just wanted to say that.  Hope everyone is doing great!