A Night Not Worth It

I lay in bed reading tonight (this morning) because I've found it hard to sleep until I'm totally exhausted.  Not exactly the best thing for anyone, but not new to me.  After putting down my book for the night, turning off my light, and rolling over, the thoughts and memories of my past came back to me, and I felt ashamed and embarrassed once again.  I do not reveal this to many people I am not close with, but for some reason, I just have to get it off of my chest.

In summer of 2006, one of my oldest friends was pulled over and arrested for drinking and driving.  I remember we were both at another friends, watching movies and drinking that night, and I had planned to stay the night.  She, on the other hand, did not.  My friend has had a lot of serious issues in the past, and her drinking is one of them.  She didn't have that many while we were together.  She was also not a lightweight and it took quite a few to get her drunk, but I told her not to leave.  She got a text from a guy though, and decided to meet up with him.  It wasn't then she was pulled over, but on her way home from a bonfire.  I remember waiting up for her text that she got home, but I never got it.  I tried calling several times but she never answered.  Finally, at four AM, I fell alseep, and not but an hour later I got a call from her.  She was in jail, and she was laughing about it.

I admit I laughed.  I couldn't believe she had done it, for one, and two, she had always been a good kid growing up.  Both of us were sort of the goody-goodies in our school, and didn't start drinking until several years after high school.  However, this was also the summer several accidents happened that involved people from our own school.  She was lucky she wasn't one of them.  One girl I was on the cheerleading squad was killed.  Another guy was left paralyzed after the driver of his vehicle flipped it, going 80 miles an hour down a curved road.  It was a sad summer for everyone. 

This was also the same summer my ex and I officially cut off contact between each other.  We were both seeing new people, but it was still hard on both of us.  I moved back in with my mother, whom I had never had a good relationship with (until the recent year).  I was depressed and confused by everything going on.  My friends were constantly fighting amongst each other, and it seemed I was always in the middle of it.  Not to mention, but my best friend moved to Germany a few months before, so I felt completely lost.  Come late 2006, I was pretty much a wreck.  I fell for someone that had liked me a lot at one point, but after being shut down by me, decided I was just a good friend.  It broke my heart.  My mom and step dad were at my throat for everything.  To say the least, 2006 was the worst year of my life.

I met up again with a guy I had hung out with for a short period in 2004.  Our relationships seemed to be falling apart, and we connected on a level I knew was strictly situational, but I couldn't help but like him.  We split ways, and it was by chance I ran into him in fall of 2006, at a bar I rarely went to on a night I did.  Even though it was a bit awkward, seeing each other as we did, we exchanged phone numbers.  It was something I will forever regret, and wonder if I hadn't done it, if things would be different.

We hung out several times in December before I left to visit my dad in Phoenix.  I hadn't moved out here yet, and wanted to test the waters.  Michigan obviously wasn't working out for me, and a change of scenery seemed to be what I needed.  It was a great trip, but I still wasn't sure I wanted to stay.  The friend I had fallen for picked me up from the airport in Grand Rapids on my return, and drive me home, three hours away.  There is a back story to him as well, but I'll save it.  To say the least, he was the least likely person I would ever fall for but the best person to choose at the time, for a few reasons.  I learned he was seeing someone I pretty much despised and of course, like a typical sensitive girl, I fell apart again.

I began drinking a lot.  I was able to cut myself off, and I never drove drunk, but I could still see I was on a downward spiral.  I decided to get help from the mental health department in my town, and scheduled an evaluation to be done in January.  I had an hour long appointment with a man I didn't feel quite comfortable with, and we decided I needed to start weekly therapy because my emotional and mental health were very obviously spiraling.

During all of this I began dating the guy I had run into at the bar.  He was basically no good.  He had basically turned into the Bad Boy From Hell.  He drank, he smoked, he got into fights, he got arrested.  He paid me a lot of attention, though, albeit it wasn't the sort I needed.  Several times I drove to pick him up from the bar after refusing to go with him.  I was trying to get help, and even though I saw that he wasn't helping the situation, I didn't want to be alone.  I picked him up from a bar one night, and ended up also driving his best friend and girlfriend.  We decided to take back roads, because he wasn't supposed to be drinking- he was on probation.  In the state of Michigan, if you are on probation, you are not allowed to consume alcohol.  That is a fact.  I know a lot of states have hard punishments, but I believe Michigan's is one of the hardest.  I didn't even bother trying to enforce it with him.  Even though I was still considered a good girl at the time, I wanted to be a bad girl. 

I learned how nasty his temper was the same night.  He punched my windshield, and it was hard enough to spider-web the entire passenger side.  I was in shock.  The worst part was, it was over something that had happened several years before, and it still had that effect on him.  I yelled at him, and told him he was going to pay for it, but he said he would just have his brother replace it since he worked for a car repair shop.  I should have known, right then and there, but I didn't.

I remember to this moment the very date things changed for me.  January 18th, 2007.  Nothing significant to be back then.  It was Dollar Pint Night at most of the bars in downtown Traverse City.  All of my friends were going, except for me.  I had chosen to not go, and was fine with it.  I hung out with my best friend and her boyfriend, and looked at wedding dresses with her.  I was content to stay in and stay sober.  At a little bit before midnight, I got a call from the crazy guy, asking me to come down to his favorite bar.  So I did.  He proceeded to act like an ass to me, and I wasn't having it.  After half an hour of enduring his cockiness and smart ass remarks, I told him I was leaving.  He followed me out to my car, where he demanded I wait to drive him home.

I said no.  I told him to go to hell, and went to open my door, but despite his drunkeness, he was too fast.  He hit me in the face, and called me a cunt.  I didn't slow down though; I got in my car and drove back to my friend's apartment, where I didn't tell her or her boyfriend anything.  I merely said, "I need a really strong drink." 

After that, the night is a blur.  I ended up going downtown with my friends after all, where everyone bought me drinks and was so happy to see me.  I tried my best to forget what had happened, but I know I was feeling it.  Deep down, I wasn't happy; I wasn't laughing or smiling with my friends.  I was reliving that moment, over and over again.  Someone ended up dropping me back off at my car, and with every intent to not drive that night, I still did.  I got in my car, and I drove.  I was going to drive straight to that jerk-off's house and give him a piece of my mind.

I didn't get very far.  About five miles down the road I went to make a left hand turn, and I slid into the snow bank on the opposite side.  Michigan winter's aren't something you mess with, especially when you've been drinking.  The funny part about this is, my cousin actually saw my car, stopped, and said when we talked I seemed fine; sober as could be.  She offered to wait with me, and I said nah, I'm just gonna ask someone to help push me out.  The guy that offered to help though, wound up calling the police on me, and I was arrested for drunk driving.

This has been on my mind for three years.  Three long years I have thought about what could have happened.  And not to me, mind you- but to someone else.  What if I had killed someone?  What if I had died- what would my family and friends do?  How could my decision have affected thousands of others?  I haven't had a car nor a license in three years.  Despite pleading guilty, and showing proof to the judge I had already personally begun seeking help before this, he gave me the max penalty in the state of Michigan for DUI.  Nine months probation, 30 days of twice daily PBTs (breathalyzers), 60 days of once daily PBTs, then 90 days of randoms; 60 hours of community service; and then 30 days suspended license, 60 days of restricted license, then $1000 a year for two years to reinstate my license.  I had to pay the courts over $2000 in fees, $3 per PBT.  I was placed in classes for addicts, which cost me $7 dollars per meeting, twice a week for 9 weeks.  I had to pay the county I lived in for damage to a fire hydrant (which I don't think was right, because my car was nowhere near a fire hydrant, nor was I going fast enough to plow through a snowbank in a tiny Cavalier), which was $600.  Then, I also had to pay an incarceration fee for the six hours I stayed in jail.  I'm not doing the math, but add all those fees up, and you have a lot of money.  Subtract $1000 because I haven't been able to pay the last fee to get my license reinstated for the second year.

I know this has already gotten long enough, but I am almost finished.  The attorney they gave me did NOTHING to help my case.  I had to pay him, as well, even though it was made mandatory by the judge because of the crime.  I plead guilty, straight up, and when the judge asked me what happened, I told him.  I told him the truth.  I didn't cry or beg or plead with him, I just told him- I had a bad night, and even before it, I had saught out help.  I was a volunteer cheer coach at my old high school, which I thought should have proven I am not a typical offender.  I was enrolled to join school a week later- which I ended up dropping, because I no longer had a license and had a schedule to follow.  I know he was trying to do a service to the community, but giving a 21 year old female with no priors that volunteers to help her community is extreme.  He explained that he would make an example of me and what could happen, no matter how great of a person you are, if you made this mistake.

I lost my spot as coach, because I couldn't get rides.  A job I was supposed to start was no longer there for me, because of my schedule.  My PBTs had to be done before 10 AM every morning and between 5 and 7 PM every night.  My meetings were twice a week.  There was no way a job was going to work around my schedule.  Yet, they expected me to pay for everything, within 9 months time.  If I had been depressed before, I was ten feet under by that point.  I know I brought it on myself, but for some reason, I couldn't get a break, no matter how hard I tried at the time.  I made a mistake, and I paid.  And I'm still paying.

This is one of the reasons I am unable to sleep sometimes.  If I hadn't made that decision, I would still have a license, I would still have a car.  I wouldn't be stuck using the bus system.  Maybe I wouldn't have even moved out here, and become more miserable.  This is proof that one night can change your whole life; one mistake can cost you everything.  And the judge did what he wanted- he made an example out of me.  So far, it's costed me three years of my life.  Yet, it could have costed so much more.