Sometimes I believe that this journey we all go through called Life is nothing more than a sick joke created by Man himself to amuse his days and nights. Other days I realize this couldn't possibly be true, because despite the fact that some scenes here on Earth are hilarious, and sometimes heart warming, others are completely wretched and heart breaking. No sane entity would enjoy watching the suffering of others. Yet there is so much of it today.
Without tragedy, we'd have no way to judge our happiness. It seems like a contradiction in itself. Why couldn't we all live in complete oblivion of what happiness or sadness was? Why is it that we have been bestowed upon with these these flutterings and flappings of feelings? Feelings, feelings...
The very essence of them both drags and lifts me in a hundred different directions while still managing to hold me down in the very spot I wish to be far away from. If I could fly, I would do so in a heartbeat, but I know that at the same time, I'd long for Earth once I was in the sky. Isn't that the way it is, though? You hate the very place you're in only because you are there- if you were somewhere else you would want to be back where you were before. Sort of like how I long for Michigan but dreaded it while I was there.
The only way to fix this knotted rope of crazy feelings is to accept them as they are and move on in life. I cannot keep holding myself down because I don't understand something. I could ponder and wonder and disassemble and reunite every piece of emotion that I feel and it would accomplish nothing. I'd still be a bundle of confusion. I think this goes for everyone. Others are just more accepting of the fact, and instead of trying to figure everything out they go on about life. I always thought one of my greatest talents is being able to say exactly how I feel. Maybe it is one of my greatest faults as well, for if I wasn't so great at doing so, maybe I would spend more time living life instead of dissecting it.
So far, it's done nothing good for me. I love to dwell. I could probably put it as one of my favorite past times. I'm good at it. In parting ways with Arizona, I want to teach myself to forget dissecting and instead enjoy everything as a whole, not as pieces of something larger than myself. Though parts of life have seemed cruel jokes, life altogether is not. It is sad, and crazy, and lame, and sometimes disastrous, but it is great. I think I will toss away my knife for now and forget taking things apart. Maybe it will make more sense to me then.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
The Art of Dissection
Blogged by Nicolette around 2:16 AM
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1 ghetto sass:
I considered myself a pessimist to the power of 10. In my 48 years on this planet I have only a collection of variable pleasant memories. People immediately cling to me until they hear enough. I have many, no longer friends.
I know when someone’s lying, I know when someone deceiving. I can figure a person out in less than 10 minutes. I can dissect a situation in seconds. I have steered friends in the right direction and purposely gave false hope to my enemies.
I have experimented with the emotions of others and kept them at bay as long as I felt their loyalty.
I have learned not to do that any more. I cannot go on being the detective, judge and jury. Even if I know I can help someone I don’t, it’s too painful. People don’t want to know everything. They want empathy and someone to tell them it’s going to be alright. Blind to options and insight they want to take the path of least resistance.
That’s OK; I’ll let them ride the wave to shore as I dig my feet deep in the sand taking each wave as they come. It’s a lonely way to live, don’t be like me. Ride the wave, don’t judge people and take life as it comes. There is a ying and yang to everything. Enjoy the good and learn from the bad. Let others do the same on their own and your life will be filled with people you can call friends.
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