Thursday, March 25, 2010

Finding It Hard To Feel

I've never been one for affection.  I was never hugged and kissed as a child; I never had parents that praised me or made it known that I was in fact loved.  It may hurt them to know I realize this now, as an adult, because I find it had to show affection to anyone I love.  Of course, I still say 'Love ya,' to my friends, closest family, et cetera; but real affection?  Unheard of.  I do not know what it feels like to want to express that part of myself.

This is all hitting me very hard because there are certain people in my life I wish I could say and do affectionate things towards.  I am feeling lately like they may take it as rejection when I don't return their gestures.  It's not that I don't want to, or that I don't feel it.  It is that, well...I don't know how to and still feel comfortable with myself.

I've always been closed-hearted despite how very big-hearted I am.  I let people in all the time- if I like you, you find a place in my heart.  At the same time, it's rare to find me opening that part of myself up to just anyone. 

Why is this?  I think if I could solve this problem about myself, I could solve my problems in life, period.  Maybe if I could feel and let in a little bit more love...affection...I may be a bit happier with myself and my life.

0 ghetto sass: