It's Gone Stale

As usual, Stephanie has a great blog today: Sex After Marriage.  I can thankfully say I'm not married at this moment.  What I can say is, it can't be much different from a long-term relationship and sex after a while.

I haven't lost interest in sex, no.  What I have lost interest in is trying to create the mood.  It's only been a year.  He's already begun to notice it.  In fact, I'm frequently awaken by his "sleep-fondling" and sometimes it really pisses me off.  Other times, I think to myself, "Yeah, I guess it's about that time."  So many factors have to be considered in the reasoning behind the dry spell.  Stress at work, stress at home, exhaustion, depression, feeling lonely.  I believe a lot of the time I start a dry spell just because he is not interested in having a night alone with me, without video games or the television.  I don't feel we have that special connection like we did at first, when all we did was go at it.

He has said several times he honestly believes his sleeping problems come from the lack of getting laid.  I laughed in his face and said that I wished that was my problem, because I'd be tapping it every night.  Usually, though, my problems are deeper, like most women.

I believe that keeping a healthy sex life is exactly like keeping a healthy relationship.  We have to be open and honest with each other, we have to spend quality time together (WITHOUT distractions, except maybe a good movie), we have to create the mood.  I don't mind doing all of those things, but I don't like being the one to do it all the time.  By creating the mood, I don't mean turning off the TV and lights, and then spooning and rubbing yourself on me.  I mean, MAKE DINNER FOR ONCE.  Light a few candles.  Rub my feet if I ask you to.  I do it for you all the time without being asked, and so should you.

I think a lot of women like to hold sex over a man's head.  I'm not all about doing that.  That situation could probably be the driving reason behind cheating.  However, maybe we're not the only ones who have expectations.  Communication in a relationship goes both ways, and men should tell us how they like to be seduced.  I mean, after all, we have fantasies, so why can't they?

I know my man loves me.  He has taken care of me for the last six months without one complaint.  I know a lot of men do that for their wives and girlfriends, as well.  All I'm asking for is some effort in the home.  Nothing turns me on more than watching him wield a vacuum cleaner and mop!  Seeing a clean house when I know I haven't touched a thing makes me wanna jump right in bed, because I know I have the energy!

If all of us took time to focus on our partners and shared what we would like, I think that sex wouldn't feel like such a chore to some.  Even if it is only admitting how stressed out we are or that we just haven't been up to it because of exhaustion.  However, we have to share that emotional bond along with the physical bond, otherwise one or the other will end up feeling resentful.  All it takes is one conversation to stir up those sexual desires again.

Sex Does Not Mean Love!

I love that phrase soooo much. It used to be my motto. Back in my heyday, even being as young and naive as I was, I would have to explain this to my friends on an almost daily basis.

"John hasn't called you back? Well, did you have sex with him? You did? It was great, huh? Well, that's awesome. But it doesn't mean shit."

How many hearts have been broken over that one guy that was "It," "The One," all because a poor girl thought sleeping together would make him love her?

Or, what about the guys that had their hearts ripped out because of the girl? That's a more interesting twist. How many girls have broken a guy's heart by only wanting the occasional one night stand or "fuck buddy"? I'll raise my hand- I've done it.

This is actually a sad story for me to tell. It may bring a tear or three to my eyes because this guy is still in my life, and it's a very confusing situation. When I was 20 (yes, so very many years ago), I was a very wild and crazy girl, and on the rebound. I had broken off my engagement to my boyfriend of three years and just wanted to go nuts. I'd never been to a crazy drunken party, I'd never made out with a random guy (or girl), and I'd never woken up and tried to escape without waking up the unknown figure beside me. I figured it was now or never.

I went to a mudding party (how hick, right?) with my friend and cousin one afternoon, and figured I'd have a couple beers and finally get real good and drunk. At this point I'd probably been drunk maybe twice in my life and was due for some good craziness. We started the night out right, by opening some beer provided by my friend's brother and jumping in a 4-wheel drive truck and hitting the mud pit. The windows were rolled down and it was awesome. The guys were driving their big, beaten up POS's, and the girls were in the passenger seats, screaming and laughing and getting splattered by the mud flying in through the windows. My friend Amber and I were in the same truck with my brother's best friend, Fred, and had just got done saying how good he was looking. In high school I had flirted and teased him a lot, just because he was my little brother's friend, but now that he was graduated and (mostly) grown up, he was looking pretty good. I had called dibs on him, and that's how it started.

At this point I had no idea what it would turn into.

We got drunk. There were probably fifteen guys and five girls there, and most of the girls were already spoken for, including me. Fred had his arm around me the entire night, and I really didn't mind. It was just for fun, right? At some point, one of my past ex's showed up, and he happened to be good friend with Fred. I tried to avoid him, but he just had to tell me how sorry he was for everything and how he wished he could change things. I wasn't interested. However, he did go to Fred and tell him, "Don't fuck this up with her, she's a good girl to have." I was pissed, because I just wanted to have my first one-night stand, not a romantic hook-up that turns into more! That bastard couldn't keep his trap shut, though, and had to keep going on and on about how he wished he wouldn't have cheated on me and how great I was to him and how he kept all the letters I wrote him and blah blah fuckin' blah.

I wanted to shove his face right in the mud pit.

However, I didn't. I let it go and had some fun. Which led to even more fun in the house, later on.

In the morning, I got dressed quietly, found my keys and left. Fred was still sleeping and I thought I had escaped the situation. I felt great.

Until that night. It was Easter Sunday, I remember, and I had a get together to go to at my grandma's. I showed up and was talking to my brother, who just so happened to be talking to Fred on the phone moments before I showed up.

"Fred wants to know if you and Alison want to hang out with us tonight."

I didn't know what to say. "Um, I don't know. I'll have to see what's going on."

"You better not fuck with him."

Oh, boy. Even my brother knew what would happen before it did.

Fred turned into my one-night stand turned to occasional friend with benefits turned to a guy I'm dating.

WHAT?!

Whoa. I didn't know what was going on. I knew I didn't want anything serious. I was on the rebound! I wanted to have sex with lots of guys! Safe sex, of course, but sex nonetheless! Everyone kept telling me, "He's a great guy and likes you a lot." And I never knew what to say because, yes, I liked Fred. He was fun and cute and hilarious and sweet. But I didn't like him as more than what he already was to me: A fuck buddy.

It turned into a disaster. Somehow, one night turned into three months and everyone was inviting us to places as a couple and if I was going somewhere, he was sure to turn up, and if he was going, I would probably be there, too.

I broke his heart in the worst way possible. My brother threw a party at our parents' house while they were away, and we had people over. Mostly his friends, but I was there, just to hang out for a while. I had plans to leave later on. Fred showed up, and he was immediately all over me, putting his arms around me and kissing me and I needed a breather. My friend followed me outside and asked what was going on, and I just said, "I need to get away." She was seeing my brother, so I left her there and drove (sober) to another friend's a few towns away. I ended up having the craziest night ever, not to mention my first real one-night stand.

And my second one-night stand, as well.

Don't judge me. I know, that's sick. Two guys in one night? What a slut. But really, it was out of character for me and I was so inebriated I couldn't see my own feet to get to a bed. I slept in my car that night in my friend's driveway, and the next morning, I couldn't believe what I had done. My 21st birthday was two weeks away and Fred and my brother were throwing me a party, and I had just gone and fucked things up.

Fred didn't hold a grudge. Apparently he called me a few names while talking to my brother, but he was never mean to me. He still helped throw me the best 21st birthday party EVER and even bought me a birthday present. We still talk to this day, but it still baffles me how it started from me just wanting to get laid to having someone fall hard for me. And believe me, it's not just because he was a clingy guy, because he definitely isn't.

Now I'm just curious. Why does this happen? I do know a lot of it has to do with having low self-esteem. However, I don't know why sex would lead some people to believe that a physical relation with another person means love, whether it was pretty good or fan-fucking-tastic.

Then again, I'm in a relationship now with someone who was supposed to be a one night stand. Maybe I'm the exception to the rule: sex does not mean love, unless you're doing it with Nicolette.

I'm doomed. What about you?

After note:
After that summer of going crazy, Fred and I did get closer, and he turned into more than just a fuck buddy. He has become one of my best friends, and now that we are separated by a million miles, I realize how great he was to me, and I miss him a lot. I think we do love each other in a very weird way, because nothing can be normal between us.

All of that out of a one night stand. If Chris and I don't last, I'm going to make sure I never have another one night stand again.