The Stepson

I've finally been placed in a situation I'm not comfortable with and can't exactly get out of- my boyfriend has a 7 year old son. He seems to really like me and listens to me and is polite to me. The only problem is, I think he's spoiled and baby'ed. He lives with his mom, whom has let him sleep in her bed up until the last couple months, and he's got more toys than any kid I know. The main situation is, he is so used to being spoiled by his mom and her parents he gets bored when he's with us and wants to leave. My boyfriend has no extra money after child support is paid, so he can't do anything outside the house with his own son. In the end, we're left to entertain him and fail because it's just not enough. We obviously can't control what happens outside our home, so how do we get him to like coming over? Because of this, I almost dread him coming over and feel like a bad person. I finally know what both my step parents felt like with me and my brother.

When Curiosity Kills The Cat

Okay, so I'm not dead. But I definitely got kicked. I moved in with my boyfriend last week. Recently I've been having problems with my phone, and he offered me his old phone to use if I need to. Today was the day for rearranging the bedroom to fit my things in better and I happened to find the box with the phone. Not even thinking about what I could find, I decided to turn the phone on to check it out. Big mistake. I ended up in the text inbox and read a couple texts I didn't need to read. I've never been big on snooping, so I was immediately ashamed but what I read disturbed me. I had to tell him. I'm sure now, that what happened was unintentional, but it made me feel insignificant. He called his last girlfriend the same nicknames he calls me, and also lied about an important piece of information. If I hadn't have been curious about a phone, the ensuing awkward day wouldn't have taken place. Things are fine now- but I'm definitely making sure to ask before I snoop next time.

Day of Love

Every year I become more and more annoyed by Valentine's Day. My friends will talk about what they want or how they wonder what their significant others will get them, or bitch about being single. This was the first year since I was 17 that I actually looked forward to it. My boyfriend and I are pretty tight on cash at the moment, so we decided on a spaghetti dinner together and a movie. I wanted to do something special, but not spend too much money, if any. I ended up creating a table setting from construction paper, including a menu, paper flowers in a beer bottle wrapped vase, and a paper candle. He loved it. We exchanged homemade cards, then sat down to eat while very cheesy love songs, picked by me, played in the background. Finally, a Valentine's Day I actually enjoyed, spent the way it's meant to be: with the one I love.

Life Changes

As I said in my last post, my life has been crazy since I moved back to Michigan. It's so much different from living in Phoenix. It didn't take me long to get in the swing of things, though. The weather is obviously a huge change. It's my first winter with snow since early 2007. I've been freezing my butt off, but I guess I prefer adding layers rather than not having enough to take off in extreme heat. Winter is also a good season for kids- I've got my niece and nephew Makya and Mitchell in the picture above. I've loved spending every moment I can with them, including playing in the snow. I never thought I could love kids so much. I've never been much for children, but I love these two more than I've loved anything. They are probably the best thing about moving back to Michigan, and they love their Aunt Juj, as well. I'll have to write more on them later- I'm now preparing meatballs for Valentine's dinner with the new love of my life. He's another great chapter. Happy Monday everyone.

My New Life

It's been a while since I posted anything on here. I'm hoping that's about to change. My life has been chaotic the last six months and is finally settling down. I'll tell you more about it when I have access to an actually computer. I hope everyone is doing well, and that eventually I'll catch up with all of my followers. Happy Valentine's Day.

After All

I've spent that last few hours reading and commenting on my blog subscriptions.  All of you guys are so busy, and so productive, I feel like I've accomplished nothing.  Although, that is sort of a lie because after all- I moved across the country and am starting all over again.

It's overwhelming.  It's weird sleeping in my "high school" bedroom, surrounded by walls I painted at the end of a disastrous relationship to cover up memories, hanging out with people the remind me of everything that made me leave Michigan in the first place.  Sometimes I feel like the only thing that has changed is- well, me.

My mom and I have never been best friends, which is sad to me.  All of my high school friends' parents loved me and I always called them Mom.  Maybe it's disrespectful to my own mother, but it is how it is.  My mom has not changed at all, despite how everyone tried convincing me otherwise.  She is still an alcoholic, she still resents me, she still picks on every detail she can't stand about me, or (as I've recently discovered) is jealous of.  She is constantly bringing up the size of my chest in front of people to embarrass me or make me feel bad.  My aunt was one of the people there, and she just whispered in my ear, "Your mom is just jealous because she has no boobs."  And it hit me- it's true.  My own mother is jealous of me because I have curves and she never has.  I still don't get it, though.  She will be 46 years old this year- isn't it time to get over these things?  Apparently not. Old habits die hard- or rather don't die at all.

My oldest younger brother (he turned 24 in July) also has resentment towards me for some reason.  I do not get it.  He was the most popular guy in high school.  No one knew who I was, but he was homecoming prince, and prom king.  He was student body president.  He broke the record for our school for most strikeouts thrown in one season (baseball).  He is tall, and handsome, and everyone likes him.  Yet, he still feels it necessary to make me feel like crap every time we hang out.  We had our yearly family reunion this past weekend, and there is always a big party.  We had a fire, and we invited some of our own friends, and our Canadian family was there, and it was supposed to be fun.  I had fun until suddenly my brother verbally attacked me in front of everyone, yelling at me and saying the most awful things ("you're worthless," "you're a drama queen," "you're fucking crazy," bringing attention to the scars on my arms and legs, etc).  Finally a few of his friends actually had to tell him to shut up, but ten minutes later he had me by the arm and was trying to wrestle me to the ground.

I'm 25 years old.  I don't play these games anymore.  Maybe it was cute when we were little kids to wrestle and beat each other up, but it's not anymore.  I took it that way, too.  We were both pretty inebriated, but I fought him off, and I actually ended up pinning him to the ground and he had to tell me to get off.  I don't know how, since I'm 5'1 and about 20 pounds lighter since moving back here, and he is 6' and 185, but I did.  Everyone was laughing at him and telling him he shouldn't mess with me because that's what he gets.

Later on though, I ended up walking home, sitting on my bedroom floor, and crying my eyes out.  My mom came out and got into it with us, and she stood on his side, telling me I'm a cry baby and drama queen as well.  It's just so much to take on.  I cut myself for the first time since February.  I regret it now, because I thought I was beyond all this, but I suppose the issues are much deeper than I realized.  A few years away and some therapy haven't cure the feelings of insignificance and worthlessness I have when it comes to my mom and my brother.

It's sad that my youngest brother (17) is the person that understands me most and is now the one closest to me, even though there is a big age gap and I missed most of his teenage years.  I just can't figure out how to fix the messes around me.  In Phoenix it was with my ex and my step mom.  Here it's my mom and my brother.  It doesn't help that I really do need emotional support.  I'm beginning to think that I should apply for social security temporarily, because the unstableness makes it hard for me to even get out of bed some days.

I'm happier than I have been, but it's still not happy enough to enjoy everyday things, or just accomplish the smallest tasks.  I suppose I'm going to work on getting into therapy here, and hopefully, I'll be able to at least mend the pieces and stop anymore from breaking off.

For A Good Cause

I'm only posting this link because I know this person well and feel awful I cannot help her out.  We grew up in the same neighborhood when we were younger and we just recently met up again, and she is having some hard luck.  After going through everything I just went through this last year, I told her to set up a donation site.  A lot of good people helped me get home, and I am safe and sound here now, and I'm just really hoping it works for her.  So, go here and read what she had to say, and then spread the word around if you can.  I'm going to try to keep tabs if I can.

I know that blogger is a supportive community for those of us having hard times. Please pass this on for me.