What A Conundrum

I've been in Michigan a little more than a month now.  Things are alright, so far.  I have been spending a lot of time with my nieces and nephew, my brothers, and my sister-in-law.  I am staying with my mom and stepdad, for now, and hopefully I'll land a job soon.  I'm not quite sure what I wanna do yet, but I hope to be on my feet by fall.  Early winter, at latest.  I'm not enjoying depending on other people for rides and the like right now.  However, it is better being here, surrounded by my family and friends than in Phoenix, miserable and alone 99% of the time.

I guess I miss Chris a little more than I expected to.  Although I've kept busy and rarely have a spare moment to myself, at night I find myself thinking about him and it is hard.  The morning I left Phoenix he sounded as if he really was sad, and that he wanted to stay in touch, and he even told me he would try to visit this winter.  Now he is completely mean.  He told me not to text him anymore, and that he will send me my stuff as soon as he can, and that he wants me out of his life.  I have no idea where this harshness came from.  I thought we were ending everything on good terms.  It just wasn't meant to be.  However, I still wanted to remain friends, even if it is only once in a while, via text or whatever.  I don't get why he suddenly had a change of heart.  It makes me sad because he was a part of my life, and I do love him.  I didn't think we would just suddenly never talk or see each other again.  The worst part is that he still has my bunnies, so I have to deal with his attitude until I can have them sent out here. 

On a slightly better note, I have a slight thing for someone.  Thing meaning, I'm not sure what it can be because I don't know how I feel about anything.  However, when I was still in Phoenix, I had been corresponding with an old classmate since December.  He was stationed in Kuwait at the time, but we both flew into the same airport in Michigan on the same day, only three hours apart.  We decided we would get together while he was here for a couple weeks.  At the time we were talking, he was into this girl that lived here, but she apparently blew him off when he arrived, and he was not so happy.  I felt terrible because he did nothing but talk about her on Facebook and he told me they were so much alike, it just seemed right.  She is very, very young, though.  He didn't really go into a lot of detail about the situation, but the night we decided to get together he basically told me she had decided to move in with her ex and failed to mention it to him. 

He doesn't follow my usual trend in taste for guys.  I always vowed to never date a man in the military (my reasons are valid).  I have nothing against the men, personally- I just have never wanted to live the military lifestyle.  This guy, though- I'll call him S- is a bit different.  I'm not even sure sometimes I really like it; I just know that we sort of understand each other, and we both led rough lives as kids.  We have the same beliefs, we like the same things.  He has a very serious demeanor, though, whereas I'm bubbly and goofy and laugh nonstop most of the time.  He has a good sense of humor, just doesn't laugh out loud a lot or smile.  I get it, though.  I brought it up to him once that sometimes I don't know if he thinks I'm hilarious or a dumb ass.  He told me pointe blank, I think you are hilarious, even if it is dumb ass humor you have.  It was actually a compliment!  He calls me "Doll" and "Love" a lot.  Which could just be something he calls all girls/women that he adores, for all I know.  However, I still find it sweet. 

We got together about a week after we both got back to Michigan.  We ended up going to his parents house for the night, to have drinks, watch movies, listen to music, and talk.  It was fun.  We talked about everything.  I was a little nervous, a little ditzy, and drank a little too much.  He did too, though, and nothing terrible happened.  I did not go crazy (well, in a bad way, anyway), although I was loud.  I'm always loud.  I don't know how to train myself to be quiet.  How is it done?  His parents live down the road from my sister-in-law (that is a story for another time, I'll say), so I told him he could just drop me off there.  She invited him to stay a while, and so he did.  My nieces and nephew were there, and he was SO good with them.  My youngest niece adored him.  She usually cries around new people, especially men, being as she's only 8 months old.  But she didn't cry at all.  He held her and played with her and it was so endearing.  I have never had the ambition to have kids someday, but it was still sweet watching him with them, and knowing he would probably be a good dad.  (Isn't that one of the things a woman is supposed to look for in a man?) 

He stuck around for the night, and we had a few drinks and a fire and some music.  My sister-in-law liked him, which is good, because usually she can usually tell if someone is an asshole or not.  He ended up leaving around midnight, and I walked him to his truck.  He gave me a hug, and he kissed my forehead.  That was when I was thrown for a loop.  A kiss on the forehead is usually a sign of affection, correct?  I told Pam, and she thought it was sweet and probably meant he liked me, and thought of me as more than just you know...a piece of ass or whatever.  And that made me feel like a million dollars.  Chris never kissed my forehead.  Not once in almost two years.

He was only here to pack up the rest of his things, because he has duty in Washington for a year.  So we saw each other once more, and then he was busy the rest of the time.  We have talked on the phone, and have texted almost everyday.  I try to give it a rest, since I don't want to seem desperate, needy, or clingy.  I'm not any of those things.  I do enjoy talking to him.  We always have something to talk about.  He never seems annoyed, even if I do drunk text him nonsense (I have a thing for lyrics from 80's butt rock songs).  He always says, "Sweet dreams [doll/love]."  I do not want a relationship currently.  I have too much to do and think about to have to worry about giving someone else enough attention.  Plus, he is in Washington for a year.  In a way, it is sort of good.  There isn't so much pressure on either side. 

One of the best parts- he's a musician.  He plays guitar and writes songs.  I've always had a weakness for musicians.  I've only dated two or three non-musicians.  I just find it so sexy.  So even though he doesn't fit my usual canvas for a guy, he still has traits I totally fall for.  Which makes it that much harder.  Sigh.  Maybe it isn't what I should be thinking about right now, but is it so wrong for me to want it?  I'm 25.  I know to some it doesn't seem so old.  But when I look around and see all of my friends settling down, getting married, having kids, it makes me feel as if I'm still living my high school years.  I know that it isn't rational.  Everyone goes at their own pace.  I'm not ready to settle down and I'm not ready for marriage nor kids.  In fact, I've never wanted kids.  At one time I wanted to be married, but since the first time it failed, I've been slightly wary of the whole thing.  Now I look at myself, and wonder if I'm really going to end up alone for the next 20 years because I've been so anti-marriage and kids.  I do not want to be alone, but I know that I need someone who can deal with my mood swings, my crazy lifestyle, and wants the same things as I do.  And that doesn't come easily.

I suppose I shall end this here.  My niece is getting into cookies and my nephew just woke up.  Time to be an aunt and a good babysitter.

I really need to get mobile internet but I can't afford it right now. I took a picture of heart shaped cheese then realized I couldn't send it. This saddens me.

Sweet Home Michigan, yeah!

I do not have much time to post, as I am actually using a friend's computer.  But I will tell you this-

I finally made it home to Michigan.  YES!  I did.  However, I'm mighty sad it was sans bunnies.  :(  I still have to find a way to get them here soon.  Hopefully I'll land a job, and be able to have them with me by the end of July.  I didn't realize how expensive bunnies are to fly or ship.  Chris has them in his new apartment safe and sound so.

I just wanted to say that.  Hope everyone is doing great!

Still In Desperate Times

I just wanted to post my most desperate blog yet.  Don't judge me.

My cable got shut off.  So this means-

1) I have no TV
2) I have no Internet
3) I have no phone

Once again I am like a hermit.  Therefore, I won't be able to keep posting links for people to help me out.  Seriously, it's getting bad.  The ex I live with is refusing to help pay for any of my living expenses, and I can't even call my mom to let her know what is going on without spending five dollars at a pay phone- I don't even HAVE five dollars.  Not to mention, my one good bra broke the other day, and seriously, this one incident sent me into a downward spiral to depression.  Why?  Well, how would you feel if you only own one bra that was two sizes too small and cut off circulation, therefore leaving you panting all day and sore when you finally take it off?

I hate being a beggar, but at this point in time, I don't even care.  I am at a friend's house using her computer, so hopefully people will see this, and help me out.  Even donating five bucks will help.  Donate Here to help me out.  Please, I'm on my knees, begging you, as pitiful as it sounds.

Desperately Panicked-
Nicolette

Juj-Style Stuffed French Toast

A friend wanted the recipe for the French toast I made the other day, and because I sort of guessed at everything, I don't have exact measurements or instructions.  But- if you know even a hair about baking you should be fine with the following recipe.  As always with baking, you don't need exact measurements because it isn't an exact science.  So you your best judgements. 

So, depending how many people you are going to be feeding, you have to adjust all of my guestimates. I made four pieces and one piece is two pieces of bread, plus the filling. One is enough for one person.

You will need:
Thick or heavy bread (Italian or raisin bread works)
Eggs (3+, depending on faces you are serving)
Milk
Cream cheese
Powdered sugar
Vanilla/nutmeg/cinnamon/almond extract (pick one or two, vanilla is needed for filling)
Any fruit or jam you might want for the top or filling

Pre heat oven to 350.

Start with three eggs, and probably little less than a cup of milk. Beat the eggs and milk like you would for regular French toast, add some vanilla extract (a tablespoon, more or less for taste).

The bread needs to be thick, or sort of stiff. I used homemade raisin bread because it's really heavy and won't fall apart in the egg mixture. Soak four pieces in the eggs mixture, and put them in a nonstick pan (be sure to use baking grease on your pan- I learned the hard way nonstick does not really mean nonstick). They need to be REALLY soaked.

So, while those are sitting in the pan, go over to your bar of cream cheese. You need to beat the shit out of this if you don't have a mixer, and you may have enormous muscles when you're done. Add half a cup of milk to it. Depending on how thick you want the stuffing to be, you can add more. Once it's semi-beat to death, add a quarter cup of powdered sugar, and two tbs of vanilla extra, or you can use whatever you'd like- nutmeg, cinnamon, almond extract. Make sure this is good and mixed. If you want, you can also add some jam to flavor it, or even a mashed banana or two.

Once you have this done, spread out the filling on top of the bread in the pan. You can put as much as you want or as little. I put a few scoops per slice. Next, soak your next pieces of bread for the top. Slap them on them on there. You may or may not have a lot of egg mixture left, but pour the remaining over top of the bread. Doesn't matter if there is some in the bottom because the bread will soak it up, or the eggs will just bake.

Stick it in the oven. Depending if you LIKE butter on it or not, you can pull it out at 20 mins to dollop some butter on it, and some cinnamon or powdered sugar. Stick in the oven for another 10-15 minutes. You will know it is done when the top is browned. I stick a knife in the center to see how mushy the bottom pieces of bread are, as well. It's hard to tell when they are done, but you will know.

And, it's ready to serve! Make sure you separate them and take them out of the pan ASAP because otherwise they will dry to the pan. Of course you can put fruit, syrup, etc on top. They are VERY filling though, so don't make any heavy sides. Maybe some turkey bacon or something. Plus, if you're on a diet- unless you use lowfat everything, it's going to be a bit on the high cal side.

That is my recipe! Tell me if you end up making it. :)

Finding It Hard To Feel

I've never been one for affection.  I was never hugged and kissed as a child; I never had parents that praised me or made it known that I was in fact loved.  It may hurt them to know I realize this now, as an adult, because I find it had to show affection to anyone I love.  Of course, I still say 'Love ya,' to my friends, closest family, et cetera; but real affection?  Unheard of.  I do not know what it feels like to want to express that part of myself.

This is all hitting me very hard because there are certain people in my life I wish I could say and do affectionate things towards.  I am feeling lately like they may take it as rejection when I don't return their gestures.  It's not that I don't want to, or that I don't feel it.  It is that, well...I don't know how to and still feel comfortable with myself.

I've always been closed-hearted despite how very big-hearted I am.  I let people in all the time- if I like you, you find a place in my heart.  At the same time, it's rare to find me opening that part of myself up to just anyone. 

Why is this?  I think if I could solve this problem about myself, I could solve my problems in life, period.  Maybe if I could feel and let in a little bit more love...affection...I may be a bit happier with myself and my life.

The Art of Dissection

Sometimes I believe that this journey we all go through called Life is nothing more than a sick joke created by Man himself to amuse his days and nights.  Other days I realize this couldn't possibly be true, because despite the fact that some scenes here on Earth are hilarious, and sometimes heart warming, others are completely wretched and heart breaking.  No sane entity would enjoy watching the suffering of others.  Yet there is so much of it today.

Without tragedy, we'd have no way to judge our happiness.  It seems like a contradiction in itself.  Why couldn't we all live in complete oblivion of what happiness or sadness was?  Why is it that we have been bestowed upon with these these flutterings and flappings of feelings?  Feelings, feelings...

The very essence of them both drags and lifts me in a hundred different directions while still managing to hold me down in the very spot I wish to be far away from.  If I could fly, I would do so in a heartbeat, but I know that at the same time, I'd long for Earth once I was in the sky.  Isn't that the way it is, though?  You hate the very place you're in only because you are there- if you were somewhere else you would want to be back where you were before.  Sort of like how I long for Michigan but dreaded it while I was there.

The only way to fix this knotted rope of crazy feelings is to accept them as they are and move on in life.  I cannot keep holding myself down because I don't understand something.  I could ponder and wonder and disassemble and reunite every piece of emotion that I feel and it would accomplish nothing.  I'd still be a bundle of confusion.  I think this goes for everyone.  Others are just more accepting of the fact, and instead of trying to figure everything out they go on about life.  I always thought one of my greatest talents is being able to say exactly how I feel.  Maybe it is one of my greatest faults as well, for if I wasn't so great at doing so, maybe I would spend more time living life instead of dissecting it.

So far, it's done nothing good for me.  I love to dwell.  I could probably put it as one of my favorite past times.  I'm good at it.  In parting ways with Arizona, I want to teach myself to forget dissecting and instead enjoy everything as a whole, not as pieces of something larger than myself.  Though parts of life have seemed cruel jokes, life altogether is not.  It is sad, and crazy, and lame, and sometimes disastrous, but it is great.  I think I will toss away my knife for now and forget taking things apart.  Maybe it will make more sense to me then.