Losing My Religion

I had a friend text me last night that I haven't spoken to in a few months.  He said that he had been thinking and praying for me, and told me he had found Jesus, and a burden had been lifted off his shoulders.  He told me I need to put more faith into God and Jesus Christ, and that I would be taken care of.

I should explain that I get weirded out by religious talk.  I grew up Catholic, I was sent to CCD/catechism, I went to church most Sundays.  For some reason, I just don't like talking about it with people.  My mom and dad rarely preached to me.  Once I was in middle school my mom let my brother and me decide if we wanted to go, but we didn't.  My dad tried to get me to attend church with my cousins when we lived with him, but it was Lutheran and my mom said "no way", and that was the end of it.  I should mention both of them were alcoholics.  My dad has been in recovery since 1994, but he still has a lot of anger issues and also, he has chosen to separate himself from me and my brother.  My mom still drinks nearly everyday.  Maybe this is why they let us choose to begin with- they knew they couldn't preach.

Now, though, I'm wondering what effect this has had on me.  I pray occasionally.  I've never been big on it, as my parents neither enforced it or did it themselves.  As far as I knew, none of my friends did, either.  My best friend for ten years was atheist, and so was her mom.  I don't believe in atheism- everyone believes in something.  However, I guess because I didn't grow up in an environment where it was stressed, I've never been comfortable talking about God.

Last night my friend asked how I was.  I am not close to him anymore, so I didn't get personal.  I basically just said that I'm surviving.  I didn't feel like getting into everything that is going on, especially by text message.  He knows I have depression, and he brought up how he knew I was down and that I need to stop dwelling, that's the only reason I'm sad. 

I wasn't sure what to say, because I don't dwell.  I'm stressed out.  If worrying about my current financial and living situation is dwelling, then okay, maybe I'm dwelling.  What else should I do, when I have so many stressors on my back right now, and no means of relieving them?  I'm doing everything I can to fix the situation, but I'm not getting any answers.  I've had zero replies on my applications, even when I call on them.  My employer now can only afford to give me ten hours a week.  If I wasn't struggling with money, I wouldn't be struggling at all.  Well, besides my health, but that's a different story.

When my friend started telling me that I need to have faith, I didn't want to reply.  I'm even having trouble writing this blog because beliefs are a touchy subject with me.  I'm not even sure why, really.  All I know is, I wasn't interested in getting into a conversation about Jesus and faith and praying and asking the Lord for his blessing.  I apparently have all of my friends praying for me, but so far, the last three months have been full of struggling.  Struggling to pay bills, to eat, find money for bus fare to go to work, to even just be content at home.  So really, if I'm doing what I can- cutting back on any recreational outings, eating two meals or less a day, looking for jobs day and night- what else is there to do?  Pray?

Should I pray?  Pray to whom?  How do I pray?  I always bless my family for helping me when they can, and thank my friends for their support and understanding.  However, right now, I'm down.  My depression is the worst it's been since April, and that's not exactly good.  My health has started to deteriorate from lack of sleep, stress, and terrible nutrition.  I'm almost embarrassed to admit I get nutritional assistance (formerly food stamps).  But between the two of us, $125 a month doesn't go far and it only pays for the cheap unhealthy food, which is why I still gained five pounds, despite eating once, occasionally twice a day the last two months. 

I don't know.  I guess I'm just not ready to lean on a Higher Power that I've never seen proof of in my life.  If all it took was doing our best and praying once in a while, life would be a whole lot better.  Let's face it, though- there are many people that revolve their lives around religion that have way worse problems than I do, and they're not being helped.  So why would I be the lucky person to have her prayers answered?

If I did pray, I wouldn't be asking for a miracle.  I would be asking for a chance at a good job so I can continue to support myself without getting state aid and state health insurance.  I would like to buy a bag or two of lettuce for my rabbits.  Eat a decent meal a couple nights a week.  I can live without the rest.  I guess that's my prayer.

As for talking about religion openly, maybe I need to find a church to attend.  I'm not really good with that sort of environment.  It is so awkward for me to talk to my closest friends and family about religion, let alone sit in a church with a hundred strangers and then talk to them afterwards about it.  I don't know...I know it's not everyone's cup of tea, so I shouldn't worry about it.  But what if that is my problem?  What if I've been given these obstacles to see just how strong my faith is?  Then what?  Am I failing the test?  Religion is a just a tricky and personal subject for me.  Give me sex, give me politics, give me relationships- I can discuss them openly.  Throw me religion, and I clam up. 

I wonder why this is.  I might have to start searching for the answer if I ever want to dig my way out of this hole I've been put in.