Blissfully Naive

I miss the days of not being aware.  Of anything.  How much rent REALLY is, how much groceries cost, how often sinks/stoves/computers/TVs actually DO go out of service.  Of what my boyfriend is really doing when he comes home late.

I miss the days when I just thought he was around the corner, chilling with some friends.  I miss the days when I actually believed there was nothing going on with that 'other girl'.  I miss the days when I was able to just dump him and move onto my next victim.  It was so much easier then.

I wish that I could block that part of my brain again.  Back in the day, I could convince myself nothing was going on that I didn't know about.  Nothing was going on that could hurt me.  My boyfriend of the moment was just hanging out with his family, working late, or chilling with a pal.  Not anymore.  I can't convince myself of such things.  I'm no longer an ignorant 17 or 18 or 19 year old.  Not even 21.  I'm past all of that, and once I passed it all, I suddenly had a chip implanted in my brain that made me all too aware when something is not right in my life.  My job, for instance.  Before, I could ignore the lack of opportunity because at least I had a job, at least I got a paycheck every week (or two weeks, whichever).  Now, I know when I'm wasting my time.  I was wasting my time.  I wrote an email to the employee relations manager.  Guess what?  He tried to help me out and get me promoted.  I was swiftly denied.  Not only that but they cut my hours.  Instead of wasting anymore time, I quit.  Yep.  I'm officially unemployed.  Retail jobs won't fire people because they know we'll ask for unemployment.  Instead, they'll take you off the schedule for one week, then put you on for four hours the next week, repeating the process over and over again.

I'm not about playing games with an employer that screws with employees' heads.  I'm done with them.  I also know when I'm wasting my time with a relationship.  Now that it has been made clear that Christopher no longer gives a shit what I say or how I feel, I'm wasting my time with him.  Where do I go from here?  I can't even remember what I did the last time this happened to me.

Oh yeah, I moved back in with Mom because I had no place to go.  Same situation, except this time, Mom is across the country and I have no backup plan.  I'm so stupid for putting myself in this situation.  Last night he didn't come home until after ten.  I don't know, really, because I took my medication and fell asleep swiftly because I wasn't up for fighting again.  He claims he got home just after ten- because he was installing software for one of his co-workers.  Um, is he an idiot?  I mean the co-worker, not Chris.  Installing software these days is so easy a caveman can do it (haha).  You insert said software, via USB or CD, and you computer should automatically start it up.  Wah- la!  Follow the instructions.

Not only that, but does it seriously take two hours to install software?  ...Don't answer that, because I know the answer.

Yes, he was with D and J, my despised now-arch enemy.  I stood on the front porch this morning and watched Chris leave, giving them both my best "I'll fuck you up" smile as they pulled out.  She just ignored me.  Yes, ignore me.  You can have him all to yourself pretty soon.  Because I'm going to be thousands of miles away, leaving this stupid city and state far, far behind, NEVER to return.

And, although I will never be blissfully naive again, I will vow to myself to never, EVER let a guy do this to me again.  I'm getting my own house, that way there will be no doubts about who gets what, and that'll be the end of it.  And yes, Cooper and Beauty will be making the long haul with me.  Even if they did chew my computer cords this week and make Mom very, very mad.  I feel bad, because Cooper is really Chris's bunny- they love each other- but I'm not trusting him with my babies.  Not when I couldn't even trust him to keep his other...pets in check. 

I'm off to job hunt.  Thanks guys, for being patient.  I will be getting my router this weekend, so no worries, I'll be leaving comments soon!